As Keifer Sutherland careened drunkenly into our servers with a resounding crash, our last thoughts before blacking out were “Paris Hilton, Rwanda what the….?” But like a determined grand dame we pulled through and now we’re kind of back and ready for Husband No. 9. Just in the time for Friday, just in time for the news that Michael Jackson may be once again, enjoying the fruits of marriage. Now there’s a mental image that’ll keep you awake tonight, and maybe over the next few weeks.

I am really really stumped on this one. You could say, more stumped than Miss Teen South Carolina (during question time) and Jessica Simpson (generally) put together. 

I looked up this young lady’s name Dominika Wolski on IMDB and Wikipedia and a bunch of other websites, and NOWHERE does it say that she is (a) into competitive cycling; (b) a bit of a dance-aholic; or (c) prone to hypothermia.  What? What am I missing here?

One tries very hard to be a hip woman, while the other is naturally disposed to having womanly hips.

OK, so maybe displaying a monstrous flesh-eating flower on your chest isn’t such a bad idea after all:

PETE Doherty decided to reveal his feelings to his ex Kate Moss with a touching and heartfelt gift – a dead mouse.
Brooches featuring a very real dead rodent are currently all the rage in New York.
Pete, 28, got the idea from grungey gob on legs Courtney Love. But there’s been no sign of Mossy, 33, donning the contents of a mousetrap.

Kudos to Mossy for not being a slave to New York convention. If she had worn the damn thing, you just know that Sienna “Single White Female” Miller would have gone one step further….over the edge:

Poor Kristin Davis, she had no idea there were laws against murdering Dalmatian puppies and turning them into an exact replica of the outfit I wore to Penelope Throckmorton’s 6th grade boy-girl birthday party.

P.S. watch out for that Richard Kreisermann…I heard he went firsties during that George Michael slow jam.

What do you do when you’ve planned a romantic evening of Dianetics by candlenight and your human wife has a headache (yet again)?

Meet the KT1000 – most listless robot everrrr.

Tom, if that tight suit will allow you, I suggest you open the compartment in her back and replace the batteries. While you’re at it, you might as well install a wardrobe expansion pack. For both of you. Those clothes are so pre-AI.

Ever since Kyra found out that The Rock is back on the market, she’s been dressing differently around him. You know, on the off chance that her strapping Adonis of a co-star feels the urge to elope and get hitched in Vegas.

Tina Yothers (Jen from Family Ties) has a boy (People)

Salma Hayek has a girl (Yeeah)

Samantha Harris has a girl (DailyStab)

Charlotte Church has a girl, names her Ruby (PerezHilton)

Is Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus pregnant? (CeleBitchy)

Nicole Richie is visibly pregnant, not popping just yet (Celebrity Smack)

Brangelina shopping around for another orphan? (HollywoodOffender)

Posh, stripper; the only time you’ll see those two words together (Agent Bedhead)

Miss USA throws Katie Couric some tude (I’mNotObsessed)

Lohan still playing to type in rehab (HolyCandy)

How Celebrities escape conviction (CityRag)

Barry Manilow’s plastic surgery, deconstructed (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

George Clooney, road warrior (WOWreport)

Viggo Mortensen’s nekkid moneymaker (NSFW, Mollygood)

Chris Crocker, from Myspace Hero to Myspace layout (MyMyspace Layouts)