Ayyyy!

Ply Bruce Willis with enough drinks and he’ll soon let slip some deep and dark family secrets:

Bruce Willis screamed: “I have abandoned my son” in a trendy New York bar during a night out, it was claimed today. Onlookers said the Die Hard star - partying with an “exotic” girlfriend - turned heads with the outburst, a line from the Daniel Day-Lewis starring and Oscar-winning movie There Will Be Blood. An onlooker told a US newspaper: “Bruce was very merry and all of a sudden shouted at the top of his lungs, ‘I’ve abandoned my son!’ four times in a row.“It definitely made the room stop and stare.”

Bruce, 52, who has three daughters with ex-wife Demi Moore, then chatted up a couple by the bar and did shots with the bartender before leaving Manhattan hotspot Freeman’s on Monday night, it was reported.

Ah old age, the things it makes you forget - that strong-jawed Rumer is actually of the female persuasion and that salty grey convicts are generally not big fans of the law enforcement authorities.

One invites you to stand under her umbrella, the other welcomes you to sit and bask in the shade of her wide bumbershoot.

Before I answer your question, I must commend you for taking the initiative to seek out clothes despite the stripperish nature of those shoes.  In order to avoid sending out mixed messages whatever’s up top needs to mirror the bottom, so in this case it needs to be sexy, strappy and va-va-voom red.  Lace is great for that feminine and flirty effect but make sure you wear a bra underneath - you don’t want to appear too available!

The most obvious explanation for Paul Bettany’s choice of handwear is:
(a) so the wife has to deal with carrying all the keys
(b) in case Mike Tyson changes his mind about having Jamie Foxx play him and holds an impromptu casting call
(c) they don’t look nearly as awkward as oven mitts
(d) to fend off rabid female fans who are after this witty piece of eye candy

As promised, here are the answers to Tuesday’s Puzzle corner:

1. Justin Timberlake (cross)
2. Megan Fox (quote from Shakespeare’s King Lear)
3. Christina Ricci (Aslan the lion)
4. Rose McGowan (Varga girl)
5. Pink (Oriental dragon)
6. David Beckham (VII and Roman phrase “Perfectio in Spiritu”)
7. Amy Winehouse (”Hello sailor”)
8. Nicole Richie (angel wings)
9. Robert Downey Jr (Suzie Q)
10. Ewan McGregor (heart and dagger with names of wife and daughters)

Well done to Jessica for a stupendously perfect score! Your intimate knowledge of famous people’s bare skin is simply awe-inspiring.  Thanks to everyone for playing and if you’re still hankering for more celebrity body ink have a go at People mag’s pop quiz. 

The glower in her eyes says it all, really. Vive la designer aerobics apparel!

Janet Jackson’s latest offering “Discipline” hit the store shelves yesterday and reviews so far have been lukewarm to disappointing. “Janet Jackson’s hot and heavy act grows old” screams one critic’s headline while another says “…more proof that for Ms. Jackson, sex really doesn’t sell.”

Looks like the whole sexy sexed-up sexual schtick is all played out for Janet. She needs to find fresh material that people want to listen and nod appreciatively to.  I for one would be open to a snappy up-tempo explanation about the pants & boots combo which do nothing for her legs, the many layers of topwear which do nothing for her neck, the hair which does nothing for her face and that girdle which is doing everything it can to stop all the other clothes from fleeing the scene.

Christina Aguilera on the dangers of bouncy castles:

“We were jumping on one at a party, but someone landed on my neck and really hurt me.”

Unfortunately for that person, they had also hoped to land on something soft and bouncy.

Gary Busey attacks children, including Britney (ImBringingBloggingBack)

Jay-Z is accursed, in bed with slave traders (Gawker)

The Real Housewives of New York is unreal! (Jezebel)

It’s called the casting crouch nowadays (Defamer)

Could YOU be Jamie-Lynn Spears’s babydaddy? (Celebitchy)

Christina Aguilera’s boobs are one veiny, lopsided mess (ImNotObsessed)

Ali Lohan wants to be just like her big sister. Only without the mug shots and dry spells (JustJared)

Amy Winehouse has Estee Lauder running scared, yew betcha (Dlisted)

The blogosphere takes a scalp (DeusExMalcontent)

Secrets of Celebrity Swag (Forbes)

The twins have landed (CelebrityBabyScoop)

Owen Wilson to spend another Night at the Museum, six months at my place (MTVMoviesBlog)

Owen Wilson apparently looking up his old dealer (AllHeadlineNews)

Britney went cold turkey for four hours today (Mollygood)

If Jessica McClintock passed out on a Monet… (GoFugYourself)

Tom Cruise is the most popular freak in the circus (CircusHour)

A man who dresses like Perez Hilton should NOT be hating on the Anna Piaggi (PerezHilton)

Keira Knightly is soulless, miserable about it. So are we, actually (AgentBedhead)

Mischa Barton charged on four counts (EvilBeet)

Valerie Bertinelli has a damn good excuse: she was wasted! (CelebritySmack)

Sometimes it’s tough being a Texan. I mean, aside from the whole Most Famous Texan on the Planet thing (who is from CONNECTICUT, people. He’s a Yankee!)  who tends to give us a bad rap in general, we also tend to get stereotyped as sort of lacking in refinement.

So when I came across this picture and wiki-ed Tanya Tucker –whom I vaguely knew to be a country singer– my one prayer was “please do not let her be from Texas, please do not let her be from Texas.”

Well, she’s from Texas. Seminole, Texas to be exact, and before you ask: no I don’t like what she’s wearing, no I don’t know how she gets them to stay up like that and no, I don’t think that brothel window looks quite as nice with just the miniblinds.

Dear Double D,

I love you. I know you dress like an anthropomorphized clown car, and your wife has committed the worst crimes against Lacroix I’ve ever seen (including a highly questionable pair of gingham shoes that I suspect started their lives as my meemaw’s formal potholders) but you are hot. DIRTY hot. And yeah you’re talented and possibly the only person alive who could have made James Fenimore Cooper interesting and that thing with Emma Thompson was really good too although I don’t remember much because I was in like, sixth grade when I saw it, but still, the important thing is that you –crazy-making brown boots and all– have been mama-smackingly gorgeous for pretty much as long as I’ve been alive and that’s gotta count for something.

Now quick, I have a bag full of shiny beads. Let me throw them at your demented (thought doubtlessly lovely) seagull of a wife and let’s have a quickie.

But first you have to take off your shoes.

Fret not little ones, Puzzle corner is back again to test your resolve and character. This week, it’s all about the body art of the rich and famous.

So whip out your magnifying glass and see how many celebrities you can identify from their tattoos.  Answers to be posted on Thursday morning.