Archive - January, 2010

Post-Friday Caption Contest: John Galliano at Dior Edition

Here’s everyone’s favorite Fashion Troll, all dolled up and on the runway at his Dior show. Go on and use the comments section to abuse him. Do your worst: look in his eyes, you can tell he likes it like that.

John Galliano at Dior

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The Burden of Bounty

2010 MusiCares Person Of The Year Tribute To Neil Young - Arrivals

As the silver-tongued charmer Robin Williams so memorably put it, pregnant women get a visit from the Titty Fairy; as he did not mention, this can cause some difficulty in the Supportive Undergarmenture Department. Here, new mother Camilla Alves shows a creative solution to the problem of propagating pulchritude: supportive webbing criss-crossing the Ladies like an underwire made of veterinary-strength lead rope. Lifts, Separates, and, in a pinch, can be used as emergency bungee lines.

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Friday Caption Contest Results: Candace Bergen Edition

It seems hardly anybody wants to make fun of beloved Hollywood icon Candace Bergen, despite the fact that her biggest role was as a self-described Bitch On Wheels. Or maybe everyone’s just still afraid of her! In any case, we have chosen our winner:

Candace Bergen sees what you did there

Paige Says:
January 24th, 2010 at 12:30 pm

I’m looking. Lay off it. That bitch from Narnia is in here somewhere, I know it. I’ll find her. Wait – what? My face won’t freeze this way. That’s a crock of shit.

That is such a note-perfect rendition of Murphy Brown, the woman after whom I’ve modeled my own character (such as it is) that there was no question about this decision. Well, maybe only one: what happens when Paige and Gemdiva go head to head? It’ll be comment section Thunderdome!

And now, to the imaginary swag. When we have a real budget, we’ll give away real swag, but in the meantime blackmailing celebrities doesn’t pay nearly as well as I was led to believe, so here we are. And here is our hypothetical award: a real (fierce) Yves Saint Laurent pantsuit. If Murphy had worn these more often and wash-‘n-wear suits less often, Hilary Clinton would never have dared go out in public so frumpy; it’s true. It’s a FACT.

ysl the pantsuit

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Some things go without saying

Like the fact one is at Sundance.

2010 Sundance Film Festival - Patron Circle Reception- Celebration of Filma

So duuuuuuude, we’re at Sundance. And my buddy here? His name is Bird Runningwater, which was totally gonna be my name at Burning Man until he showed up, but, like, what- where was I? No, no, this is WATER. W-A-T-T-U-R!

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Hump Day Links: The Ultimate Boyfriend Outfit

High Fashion - Romain Kremer

This? This is genius. And no doubt about to be a best-seller with single girls, who are up to their ears in articles on how to date hot men who bore them senseless (anything rather than be single!): just get him one of these super-turtlenecks and voila! Problem solved, and so much less stressful than just telling him to shut up.

M is for Muffle It, Heidi (AgentBedhead)

Shut Your Mouth! Elijah Wood is 29 (AmyGrindhouse)

Mad Man murdered by silence (BusyBeeBlogger)

Ben wants Jen to STFU (CeleBitchy)

Siskel shushes Ebert (Movieline)

Cows take Kiefer for a ride (PopEater)

Tina Turner is HOW old? Shut up! (CelebritySmack)

Say What? (DailyStab)

Monjack seeks to gag WarnerBrothers (DListed)

Amy Winehouse erases Blake (HolyMoly)

Things Jennifer Aniston DIDN’T say (PopBytes)

Denise Van Outen speaks in code (UKPopSugar)

Mariah’s dress covers her hidden charms (CityRag)

Hugh Jackman speaks! (LitelySalted)

Diddy did? I’m speechless (LaughingStork)

Clare Danes speaks for the autistic (INeedMyFix)

Pete Doherty continues to be unspeakable (CrazyDays&Nights)

Jay Leno hasn’t spoken to Conan (EvilBeet)

Ugly Betty silenced (GabbyBabble)

Alicia Keys has no comment (INO)

NBC slides Conan some hush money? (JustJared)

Zelda Rubenstein has gone dark (Movieline)

Jon Voight wants you to STFU HATERZ (PerezHilton)

Mariah shouldn’t talk! (ASL)

Lance Bass is quietly emo (TenGossip)

Chris Matthews puts his foot in his mouth (Gawker)

Shut up, Kanye (Lolebrity)

They’re HEEEEEEREEEEE

Paris Fashion Week Haute Couture S/S 2010 - Giorgio Armani Prive - Runway

Is this what it looks like when aliens try to grab a dress from the Armani show? Hopefully when they take it they just leave a naked model, not a trunkless one.

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Polymorphous Fabulosity

Now is the time at Ayyyy when we dance!

Specifically, we dance to spunky Aussie sensation Tina Arena‘s “Now I Can Dance” video, which features a dazzling parade of quirky fabulosity culminating in a special guest appearance by someone who is the very embodiment of quirky fabulosity, and who I bet you didn’t know could play guitar like that, didja?

Now I Can Dance

Tina Arena

So I hope this finds you well
Sun is shining down eastern valley ways
There’s some news I need to tell you
Give my Mother a kiss
Tell her I’m ok
I recall her words
“If it’s too easy
It never lasts
I have compromised
But I’m finally free of the past
Now I can dance
Clouds have all disappeared
Freedom
I hold so dear
Cause nobody knows me here
Though I can only imagine the sadness
In your eyes
Please understand
Now I can dance
All alone the other night
I came to realise we’d be friends for life
It was always meant to be
For some people the heavens can get it so right
Like an angel you see
You have graciously offered a hand
You’d be so proud of me
Now I’m finally taking a stand
Now I can dance
Clouds have all disappeared
Freedom
I hope so dear
Cause nobody knows me here
Though I can only imagine the sadness
In your eyes
Please understand
Now I can dance
Now I can dance
Now I can dance
Clouds have all disappeared
Freedom
I hope so dear
Cause nobody knows me here
Though I can only imagine the sadness
you eyes
Please understand
Now I can dance
Though I can only imagine the sadness
In your eyes
Please understand
Now I can dance
So I hope this finds you well
Sun is shining down eastern valley ways
So good
Be free
Can dance and laugh and just be me
So good
Be free
The clouds above have disappeared

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Caption Contest Results: Mariah Edition

Don’t forget to enter this week’s Friday Caption Contest featuring Candace Bergen as you’ve never seen her before. Unless you’re her plastic surgeon.

Yes, it’s congratulations and imaginary swag to the winner of week-before-last’s-or-was-it-the-week-before-that’s Friday Caption Contest, featuring the amply pulchritudinous Mariah Carey at … some awards thing. The one where she was drunk. No, not that one, the other one. Well, one of the other ones. Whatever, YOU know what I mean!

Yes, here is Miss 150lbs of Glam in a 110lb Dress:

People's Choice Awards 2010 - Show

Paige Says:
January 9th, 2010 at 8:47 pm

When we start to wish you were on the “where are they now?” listings, you’ve likely overstayed your welcome. Exit gracefully, or we’ll haul your ass away. Gently, but away.

Congratulations to first-time winner Paige. For her imaginary prize we hypothetically present this amazing rocket-powered wheelchair, handmade with love by the apparently certifiably-insane Bob Gill. Imagine the Palm Beach geriatrics you could pick up with this baby! If this doesn’t say “I’m the fastest old lady in the Retirement Community” nothing does.

RocketChair by Bob Gill

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