Don’t forget our Caption Contest for this week, featuring Travis Barker and his brood.

And now, to our winner of this week:

redsquid Says:
June 26th, 2010 at 7:21 pm

The new Scrabble Body Board Paris Hilton edition is the perfect size for children! Coming soon: the Heidi Montag Bangin’ Bosoms Board for expert wordsmiths who need more real estate.

Congratulations and imaginary swag to redsquid! And I’ll have you know the results of this contest was not at ALL swayed by my notorious fondness for the tentacular. To redsquid we hypothetically present the fabulous and virtual Galleria Paris Umbrella, with the bonus, brain-curdlingly-titled book “On Paris,” by Ernest Hemingway.

Just in case you’ve ever wondered what our ancestors saw in high-waisted pants, here’s Tom Jones to clarify, in eye-ripping orange.

and now, your gossip link roundup:

Why do they love Michael Jackson so much? (TrueSlant)

Celine and Cher stare into the past and the future (Lolebrity)

Secret Love (TheManolo)

Love animals? (ManoloHome)

Who loves School Food? (ManoloFood)

Love to hate this type (ManoloBrides)

Leg-loving men (ManoloMen)

Which celebrity dad do you love best? (TeenyManolo)

Love the model, hate the artist? (ManoloBig)

Pigs in love (raincoaster)

Shirley loves Kristen (AgentBedhead)

Whitney Port’s new look: Love it or Leave it? (AmyGrindhouse)

Love floats? (BusyBeeBlogger)

Worst Guy in the World finds Love (CeleBitchy)

Everybody loves Susan Boyle (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

We all love to watch Paris go down (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Give your heavy metal patriotism some love (CelebritySmack)

Granny will love this (CojoStyle)

Gerard Butler speaks out about his secret love (DailyStab)

Don’t you love a good Lilo fight? (DListed)

Amy Winehouse, slave to love (EvilBeet)

Karl Lagerfeld’s advice on love’s little side-effects (FakeKarl)

Betty White loves LeBron and Cleveland (GabbyBabble)

Britney LOVES her coffee (GoFugYourself)

Rihanna shows the Look of Love (HaveUHeard)

Somebody’s in love with Matt Damon (INeedMyFix)

Mel Gibson loves four letter words (IBBB)

Men love Marisa Miller (JustJared)

Sending our love to Back to the Future: Happy 25th! (Movieline)

Love among the Vampires (UKPopSugar)

Everybody loves Liza! (PopBytes)

Nobody loves Stephen Fry’s new look (SeriouslyOMG)

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• Tom Jones: Chicken Thief (manolith.com)

This one is up Glinda‘s alley, but we’re stealing it for the caption contest. Caption proud papa Travis Barker and his offspring and win fabulous, completely imaginary prizes!

In case you were wondering where I was yesterday, I was celebrating the greatest holiday in the entire year in which one does not traditionally receive presents: CANADA DAY! How did you and your family celebrate the birth of the greatest country in the world?

Tchéky Karyo is the hottest actor of whom you've never heard

Now, don’t pretend you’ve ever heard of Tchéky Karyo. But don’t even ATTEMPT to pretend you could ever forget him after watching him as the detective The Good Thief, or the tres sexeh international drug kingpin in Saving Grace. In the absence of our traditional Hump Day Gossip Links, which we have suspended because we are having the Day From Hell, not because of the demented ravings of delusional fandom, but because our computer currently says it will be finished its defragging in “7 days 5 hours 34 minutes” and because our first meeting today started three hours late and the person who called it and was three hours late invited five people we didn’t know, who were all ON TIME. And it got worse from there.

SEE? You SEE how bad it was? We are using the “royal we!” We need to go watch Prince of Persia, back to back with 300, the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy in the extended edition, and Saving Grace. That should be sufficient testosterone to put us back on an even keel, no matter how rocky the seas.