Archive - April, 2011

The Royal Wedding: Hats All, Folks!

Princess Beatrice Royal Wedding Atrocity I mean Hat

Princess Beatrice's Royal Wedding Atrocity I mean Hat

Salutations and greetings to the internet’s newest phenomenon: the royal wedding hat of Princess Beatrice. The world of amateur photoshoppers have hailed it as “the new cat” and, indeed, must be just about as irritating to try to see through (I pity the poor guests who had to sit behind this and look through the fallopian loops.

From the Toronto Star:

Beatrice is wearing what appears to be a mushroom-coloured silk doorknocker surrounded by an octopus in strangely Fallopian death throes. It might just as easily be an ancient birth control device known as a Dutch cap — they were still making them that beige colour in the mid-1970s — or a still-rolled condom combined with a snake metaphor, stuck for reasons best known to Beatrice on the top half of her face rather than her actual head.

But judge for yourself.

Princess Beatrice wearing her Royal Wedding Hat

Princess Beatrice wearing her Royal Wedding Hat

Friday Caption Contest: Daniel Radcliffe doesn’t know

Do what you do best in the comments section.

Sup dude?

Sup dude?

Kape Kong

Kape Kong

Kape Kong

I hate to be the one to say it, but looks like not everybody loves the big monkey.

Robert Pattinson in Brownout Link Shocker

Robert Pattinson attempts to bring back the Reagan Brown Suit

Robert Pattinson attempts to bring back the Reagan Brown Suit

Oh dear god. Sweet jeebus. Normally, I kind of love RPattz: he looks like he would have an unfortunate tang if it were a warm day, something like the bottom of a pub ashtray, but normally he’s just crazy enough to keep it interesting, unlike his co-stars (Tai the elephant excepted: if she’s good enough for Banksy, she’s good enough for me). But while he may have been talked into wearing this diarrhea-coloured monstrosity on the general principle that “a suit is dressy” a significant part of me hopes that halfway through a beer-laden schnitzelfest he ripped it in pieces and ran down the cobblestones naked and cackling. If he didn’t, please don’t inform me.

Now I am going to drown my sorrows with a Boilermaker or ten and some gossip links.

Tiling tigers: trippy! (raincoaster)

Bling it on! Talk about an accessory to crime! (Ayyyy)

Sunday food porn: Canadian Content chez Timmy’s (ManoloFood)

Renee Zellweger’s smile secret (Lolebrity)

Beach Reads: everyone’s dirty secret (Crasstalk)

Ozzy Osbourne loses it. Who knew he’d ever found it in the first place? (AgentBedhead)

Lady Gaga’s Truth or Dare! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Robert Pattinson blah blah OH MY GOD NOT A BROWN SUIT!!!! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Pink and a half! (CelebritySmack)

A grizzly (mama) look at Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin (CelebrityVIPLounge)

My Big, Cheap Royal Wedding pictures (FreakingNews)

Sadly, neither were hurt in the attack (DailyStab)

But she IS addicted to Kabbalah water! (EarSucker)

Survivor recap included because that guy is HOT! (FitFabCeleb)

Justin Timberlake will not beFriendWithBenefit you (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Blake Lively sees red (HaveUHeard)

The trailer is out for the Final Harry Potter movie (HollywoodHiccups)

Beyonce Scrooged 70 people this Christmas (INeedMyFix)

Jillian Michaels’ ass-ironing secrets (MathewGuiver)

A thousand bucks does not include Britney (PoorBritney)

The Jersey Shore is replicating!!! (PopBytes)

Jon Hamm admires the view (Swoonworthy)

Now, if only we could get the REST of her to vanish as well (TheSkinnyChic)


Bling it on!

Vera Balyura Puppy Knuckle Duster

Vera Balyura Puppy Knuckle Duster

I think I need this thing. When the fashion police come for me, they’ll have to book me for Assault with Intent to Squee!

Friday Caption Contest: the Megalithic Edition!

Don’t forget to enter this week’s chillen-themed Caption Contest with Sunny Suri Cruise and her handler.

Here are some back-issue winners and their fabulous, completely imaginary prizes:

DVF is a birdbrain

DVF is a birdbrain

April 7, 2011 at 12:02 am

Diane von Furstenberg models a Thanksgiving hat from her Autumn/Winter 2011 collection

Congrats and imaginary swag to lali, a first-time winner. To celebrate her mighty triumph, we virtually present the Oscar de la Renta Feather Cashmere/Silk Knit Top. Hopefully it’s her size.

Next up, we have everybody’s favorite Dorothy Parker channeler/Galactic and Hollywood princess, Carrie Fisher, looking like Ozzie Osbourne losing big at an online casino.


Carrie, Fisher of souls

Carrie, Fisher of souls

dr nic

April 9, 2011 at 8:37 am

Dang, no Force Lightning this time either.

Kudos and imaginary swag to dr nic! To commemorate his her momentous triumph, we hypothetically present the entirely virtual and presumably protective against imaginary forces chainmail bandana and a whack of lightsaber lessons with New York Jedi.

Finally, we have our Zeta female, Catherine Zeta-Jones, looking like she’s starring in the softcore version of Zardoz (I’d watch that, provided they didn’t pair her with the 70-something Sean Connery).


Catherine Zeta-Jones starred

Catherine Zeta-Jones starred

Frontier Former Editor
April 16, 2011 at 6:35 am

“To access your T-Mobile account information, press star star . . . .”

We’ll just give him a moment to collect himself. Sometimes men come unglued in the presence of true star power.

Better? Okay, to FFE, a returning champ, we hypothetically present the very Zeta-Jonesworthy weapon of mass destruction, the Flos Table Gun Table Lamp.

Saturday Suri Caption Contest

Do what you do best in the comments to Tom Cruise and his little bundle of sunshine and thetans.

Who's Suri Now

Who's Suri Now

Panty Moistening Prince Harry and Puppy Post-Hump Day Hunk

Sorry we’re late with this. Down with a spell of food poisoning: I should never have switched from vodka to lemonade. It was obviously too much for my system (also, lemon juice goes bad? WHO KNEW?).

This will make it all better.

Prince Harry and a puppy. You're welcome.

Prince Harry and a puppy. You're welcome.

Awwww. Now that you’ve recovered sufficiently, let’s move on to some adorable gossip links.

Deflowering virgins on television? Eh, it’s a living for Sandra Rinomato. Does she know Harvey? (Crasstalk)

Spirit Animals: how do they work? Help me choose between Courage Wolf and Sexually Oblivious Rhino as my mascot (raincoaster)

Pitcher? or catcher? The all-important “what to put the booze in” question just in time for picnic season (ManoloFood)

Nigella Lawson undercover. Girlfriend, jihadi chic is NOT how you do a topless beach. (Ayyyy)

This is why cutoffs were invented. There … wait … hmmm? … what was I saying? (Lolebrity)

Win a pair of Whooga boots! Like the FB page and enter to win one of three pairs each month (Whooga)

ScarPenn/SeanJo trouble in paradise? Uh, well duh. And somewhere, Ryan Reynolds chuckles softly. (AgentBedhead)

Why do they put the coke THERE? Playboy Bunnies are dumb, yo. (BusyBeeBlogger)

No, seriously, I thought this was Carrot Top for a second. Someone needs to give Rihanna some conditioner STAT (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Kate Middleton does a discreet Michael Jackson crotch grab, paparazzi fails to notice? (CelebritySmack)

Time’s 100 Most Influential People once again leaves me off the list. I had to beg them. Discretion is everything to me (CelebVIPLounge)

We may get our wish: Snooki is slowly vanishing! Just hang in there till 2020 and she’ll disappear entirely! (DailyStab)

Anything to get laid, eh RPattz? Dreamy McSparklepants reveals his sordid social secrets (EarSucker)

Oh look, it’s old Mae West– oh wait, it’s Xtina. That lingerie must have more technology than a typical NASA launch to keep from self-destructing. That is one whole lotta surface tension (FitFabCeleb)

Honestly, Gaga, that was so ret- … uh, developmentally challenged! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Kanye Kant (run his charity anymore, that is). Kanye West doesn’t care about other people? (HaveUHeard)

So how much DOES it cost to marry a crown prince? It’s important to do the math, people. (HollywoodHiccups)

Gwen Stefani invites science to knock her up. I know any number of labcoated genii who’d be happy to oblige (INeedMyFix)

Everyone loves a man in uniform. Or a hot lesbian. Just as long as they’re doing a Britney lipdub. (MathewGuiver)

The Britney performance the network didn’t want you to see! No, seriously, they went to commercial. (PoorBritney)

James Marsden with cuddly bunnies, chicks, etc. No, seriously, why haven’t you clicked this already? (Swoonworthy)

An Olsen Twin debuts the World’s Ugliest Pants. No seriously, the other one keeps cracking up. Guess who lost the bet in the dressing room? (TheSkinny)

Dances with Scientologists. This guy has been milking that one role for nearly 40 years now (TheSkinnyChic)


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