Archive - July, 2011

and THIS is why they call it “fierce”

Marta Marzotto

Marta Marzotto

Italian designer Marta Marzotto is indeed the epitome of fierce, and if you doubt it, she will most likely shiv a bitch, this ex-Countess having been sentenced to hard prison time for blithely making off with her almost-stepson’s patrimony. As if that weren’t enough, she’s related to my beloved Lapo! Why, she’s like a lost Gabor sister! Who’s to say those booties don’t conceal a tracking anklet of some kind? Just as soon as I reconfigure the DEW Line to trace Julian Assange’s movements, I’ll take a quick peek around Milan for Marta M. and let you know. We should probably keep an eye on this one.

She looks like she’d take her vodka neat, so let’s toast this crazy old cougar with some Cougar Juice Vodka and some gossip links.

The Importance of Being Guido: in which transcripts from the Jersey Shore are read in the style of Oscar Wilde(raincoaster)

Rihanna’s Waking Nightmare looks strangely like most of mine, actually (Ayyyy)

Bagel BBQ FTW! (ManoloFood)

That Kardashian Style! On display at closing time in bars everywhere (Lolebrity)

Worst TV Show Openings; why do I just know there will be a lot of 80′s in there? (Crasstalk)

Ben Affleck, ironic hairpiece wearer (BusyBeeBlogger)

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake stays Brooooooooooooooooooooke! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Mariah Carey is sefectly pober! (CelebritySmack)

Smoker Katy Perry, on addiction (CelebVIPLounge)

Those British coroners can make a mystery out of ANYTHING, can’t they? (DailyStab)

Lindsay Lohan, too, is serfectl – LISTEN PEOPLE IT’S SPELLED “Ketel One” AND IF I SEE ANOTHER “Kettle” I AM GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND GIVE YOU ONE OR TWO LUMPS WHERE IT’LL DO THE MOST GOOD OKAY????(EarSucker)

Harrison Ford is a GILF (FitFabCeleb)

6 celebrity pizzafaces (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Mister President, I am here to serve. That’s why I brought these kneepads (HaveUHeard)

RIP Amy Winehouse: no, Blaaaaake is not invited to the funeral (HollywoodHiccups)

Prince Hot Ginge at the races; Ladies, start your engines! (INeedMyFix)

Linnocent can’t afford therapy, because Saint Tropez is expensive, dammit! (PopBytes)

Bloggers take note: Alan Rickman appreciation=automatic inclusion in the links. Got it? (SwoonWorthy)

Annalynne McCord could use a good seamstress (TheSkinny)

Jay-Z and Kanye want you to watch them on the throne? (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

Rihanna’s Waking Nightmare!

Yeah, I had a dream like that once too

Yeah, I had a dream like that once too

I’m sure we’ve all had those dreams where we’re walking down the sidewalk, minding our own business, and suddenly we realize we are: a) late for the calculus final and b) wearing nothing but a nightshirt.

And shoes that clash.

Accompanied by an apparently insensate, somnambulistic Hawaiian princess zombie.

Yeah, that dream: Shaun of the Dead meets Gilligan’s Island.

Actually, that would be an awesome movie.

In this scenario it’s hard to see a bright side, but if Rihanna here is simply doing research for her part in the as-yet-unannounced Shaun of the Dead/Gilligan’s Island musical, I would say we ALL win.

The Bloom is off the Rosie

Rosie what are they doing down there

Rosie what are they doing down there

It’s nice to see the old girl isn’t confined, constrained, or controlled by old-fashioned and impossible ideals of youthful beauty, but you’d think she would have at least lifted them off her hips for the red carpet.

Segueing effortlessly from Rosie Huntindon-Whatever, here are your celebrity links and a radically perfect musical interlude featuring Justin Bond looking, really, much the same as Rosie.

Dance, little Eastern European Hipster, Dance! (raincoaster)

Bullfighting, Canadian-Style! (Ayyyy)

For that warm, fuzzy feeling that comes only from a Dutch Oven of 80′s nostalgia (icecoaster)

Watch Gwyneth Paltrow Die!!! For free and everything! (Crasstalk)

At long last, something tasteful in the Trump Empire! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Betty White, cocktease, heartbreaker (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Rebecca Black is good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, nobody still likes her (CelebVIPLounge)

Charlie Sheen sure knows how to enrage people (EarSucker)

Can’t we eliminate her for that Vegas Showgirl Prom Dress? (FitFabCeleb)

It’s Mermaid vs Mermaid in the Celebrity Smackdown of the Cthulhusphere! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Selina Gomez/Justin Bieber wedding video! (HaveUHeard)

This new kid is coming up fast. I see a movie plot: All About Biebs? (HollywoodHiccups)

Olivia Wilde must be awful low-maintenance (INeedMyFix)

Becks and a babe (Swoonworthy)

Smells like…Christina Aguilera? (TheSkinny)

Ke$ha makes Tara Reid look like Audrey Hepburn (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

Bullfighting, Canadian Style!

As you’ve probably heard, the Royal Couple was recently up here in Canuckistan, and as is traditional, we demonstrated for them all the colourful local customs like street hockey, kayaking, the use of the Oxford Comma, and the preparation and consumption of Kraft Dinner.

And, of course, the Canadian Bullfights.

Bullfights Canadian Style

Bullfights Canadian Style

Let nobody say we’re unfriendly! That silly paparazzo didn’t have a clue how to play this game. Fortunately, the Royals had indeed read their cheat sheet and knew just how to divert the bull’s attention.

Yoohoo, Moose! How about them Canucks, eh?

Yoohoo, Moose! How about them Canucks, eh?

Also: Unreported fact about their visit to Yellowknife: Prince William took three shots at the net in street hockey. The goalie was pretty good, and snagged the first two balls, but the third ball ricocheted off the frame of the net and hit a photographer in the … sports equipment.

Your intrepid reporter was there.

A Whole in Won

Dude that is a HOLE lotta pant

Dude that is a HOLE lotta pant

Professonal golfer John Daly here exhibits all the classical restraint and good taste for which he and his cohort are celebrated at country clubs around the world.

Which must be why Donald Trump wants to get into the biz.

In related news, I used to work with an aspiring pro golfer at Starbucks, and I made him raise his right hand and swear never to wear dorky clothes. He promised to be the first hip-hop golfer in the world.

Also: these are pajamas. I own them, that’s how I know. Also, give thanks you’re seeing them now, and not once they’ve shrunk a bit. Austin Powers Moose Knuckle is not a good look on anyone!

And now, in an effortless segue, your celebrity link roundup for today:

If you got into Hogwarts… (raincoaster)

Swag: I has it! (Ayyyy)

Naughty Potters! (ManoloFood)

James Potter LIVES! (Lolebrity)

Return of the Living Dead (tv shows) (Crasstalk)

Mel Gibson has been a bad, bad boy! (AgentBedhead)

Jewel has a chip (BusyBeeBlogger)

Daisy Lowe is 22 going on 45 (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Zooey “Snobby Cow” Deschanel vs Journo (CelebritySmack)

Beyonce-daddy attempts reputation management (CelebVIPLounge)

Harry Potter, dirty tagger! (CityRag)

Oh everybody! Look, Renee Zellwegger has a new “Aniston Boyfriend” (DailyStab)

Kennedy castoff gets part-time job (EarSucker)

Baby Spice Impersonator earns five quick bucks (FitFabCeleb)

Haven’t seen much of you lately…until you wore THIS! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Shia is full of Shiat (HaveUHeard)

That’s what you get for slumming, Nicki Minaj (HollywoodHiccups)

If finding dwarves hot is wrong, I don’t want to be right (INeedMyFix)

Britney beats back the Bad Boys of Fleet Street (PoorBritney)

Oh come ON, celebrity press. There’s no room in those Wranglers for a royal Babeh! (PopBytes)

Sergio Ramos, you almost make me want to watch soccer. But they wear more clothes than this (SwoonWorthy)

Lindsay Lohan shot! (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

Swag

Forget Cool, Barbarino; in the 21st Century, we’re all about the Swag.

What is Swag? This:

Emma Watson swag

Emma Watson swag

And This: or rather, And This, Bitches:

Helena Bonham Carter Swag

Helena Bonham Carter Swag

Happy Harry Potter Premiere Day, homies!

Harry Potter brings the swag to first year

Harry Potter brings the swag to first year

and now, an apocalyptic musical interlude

from my favorite French chanteuse, Mylene Farmer. Do you ever feel, particularly whilst perusing celebrity blogs, that you were drowning in froth? Then you will get this video, even if you can’t understand the words, which are translated over the jump.

(more…)

Tieing one on

Julian Ties one on

Julian Ties one on

Yes, I know it’s an annoying Julian Assange gif. I just didn’t want you to completely forget me while Glinda‘s in da howse. Once my world stops spinning, I’ll be back (and probably with photos of Wills and Kate, who’ve delayed their trip to Yellowknife so they can be sure to meet me. I guess I should answer their Facebook Friend requests, eh?).

Happy Canada Day! Enjoy a couple of Caesars and don’t forget some poutine and butter tarts!