Archive - October, 2013

Well, you can’t blame him

Guy Fieri attacked his hairdresser today.

Guy Fieri's actual hair. Not an aerial photo of Hurricane Sandy.

Guy Fieri’s actual hair. Not an aerial photo of Hurricane Sandy.

Well, wouldn’t you?

In related news, there are actual Guy Fieri wig/brostache sets for sale, should you be desperate to add the finishing touch to your Douchebag costume this year.

Fieri falls down

There, that’s an improvement!

Show me your fangs!

The Return of Gaga!

The Return of Gaga!

Even the bodyguards had to admit that Gaga’s audition for Tinkerbell’s Knocked Up: The Omen VII was a little over the top.

Mister Lawrence for Miss Dior

Jennifer Lawrence is just thrilled to be here

Jennifer Lawrence is just thrilled to be here

And here we have the lovely and talented Jennifer Lawrence, appearing for Miss Dior the fragrance, which is delicate, classic, young, and probably the scent your grandmother wore the night she lost her virginity (if she wasn’t the “Charlie” class). The House of Dior is one of the greatest design houses and is currently having a wonderful year both in terms of design and in terms of PR, having hung on to the beautiful and fragrant Natalie Portman and now snagged the hottest young woman in Hollywood to represent their most youth-appropriate fragrance.

So it is a mystery to me why they’ve done her up like a very expensive and sweaty butch barfly at last call, but they have. What is more heinous still is having the brass to release this photo in the US with a crappy crop job just to cut out the cigarette. If you’re going to go to such lengths to make something acceptable to the American market, do not simultaneously lower the quality by an order of magnitude, because we can, like, tell. It’s condescending, and it’s not as if it can’t be done well: the French version of Emma Watson’s Tresor Midnight Rose commercial had a cigarette in it; the American did not, but you don’t miss it and there is no visible hole where it was. If we’re going to have censorship in the name of bodily purity, let it at least be done well. At seventy bucks a bottle, it’s not like they can’t afford to pay someone competent.

Miss Dior

Friday Caption Contest Results: Richard Simmons is the new Esther Williams Edition

It’s time to just jump in the deep end and start announcing the winners of our Caption Contests. We’ve got a few to catch up on, so we’ll lead off with our Purple Princeling, the ever-elegant Richard Simmons.

Richard Simmons in the swim

Richard Simmons in the swim

October 14, 2013 at 9:36 pm  #

A clear case of spandex poisoning.

Congratulations and imaginary swag to first-time entrant, first-time winner G-dog! And to our talented and lucky winner we will virtually award this magnificent, and completely hypothetical swag:

a super-swanky Spa-N-A-Box Portable Hot Tub! Because you just never know when you might need to get hot and wet with someone you just met in the parking lot at Zumba, right Richard?

Spa n a box

Friday Musical Post: Nick Pitera’s This Is Halloween

No caption contest today, since we’re still backlogged from last week, but if you feel like busting out your keyboards to this, by all means go ahead.

We are longtime fans of Pixar’s dreamboatiest animator, Nick Pitera, who has a voice like a nightingale, a thrush, a redwinged blackbird, a canary, a bittern, and at least a few goldfinches as well. You doubt? Then you’ve never come across the king of YouTube self-harmonies. Heck, the man can self-fugue!

Here he is performing “This Is Halloween” from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas. Who are all the other singers? Nick Pitera. Spooooky!

and we’re BACK!

Tom Hiddleston says Haters Gonna Hate

Tom Hiddleston says Haters Gonna Hate

Excited? I can’t blame you. When Hiddles here heard we were coming back from a slight domestic-drama-enforced time-out, he couldn’t help but bust some righteous moves.

And while we’re on the topic of horrible music, here’s the summer’s breakout group Ylvis with the apparently Andrew Lloyd Webber-influenced dubstep masterpiece, “Someone Like Me.”

Friday Caption Contest: Richard Simmons is the new Esther Williams Edition

You know what to do; do it in the comments for fun, completely imaginary prizes. And yes, I’ll catch up on our past winners by Tuesday, so there’s still time to enter the old ones!

Richard Simmons in the swim

Richard Simmons in the swim

The Ice Queen, Frosted

Sienna Miller, Ice Queen

Sienna Miller, Ice Queen

Sienna Miller. What to do with Sienna Miller? Well, it’s not like Hollywood is waiting for me to answer the question, but if they were, I would like to think I’d come up with a better answer than this dress. Let’s break it down.

Sienna Miller is beautiful beyond the lot of mortals, and it looks to be natural. Good for her. She also has exactly the body type that looks great in designer clothes, and isn’t afraid to put the work in to make sure she stays that way and makes an impression on the red carpet.

So why, in the name of Duncan Hines, is she wearing what appears to be a thickly-spread layer of buttercream frosting on her tits?

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