That's not hot sauce, ladies

His protestations to the contrary, we have conclusive proof that Viggo Mortensen is a Red Wings fan.

And that’s just too gross to explain, even for me.

Wash your mind’s eye out with a Muff Diver shooter (no hands, please!) and a few gossip links:

Zachary Quinto has a message for young people (Lolebrity)

Who won the fashion wars? (Ayyyy)

The St Valentine’s Day Massacre/Roundup (raincoaster)

The most perfect food in the world, in 926 words (ManoloFood)

Charlie Sheen pulls an Edith Piaf (AgentBedhead)

You know, I’d pay good money to watch her in the UFC ring (BusyBeeBlogger)

Tila Tequila has gone Amish on us (CelebDirtyLaundry)

In fairness, I’d snub Avril Lavigne too (CelebritySmack)

Wait till Shia LaBeouf hears about this! (CelebVIPLounge)

I don’t blame him: EVERYONE hates Daleks (CityRag)

Your straight boyfriend will care about this story (DailyStab)

Jessica Simpson is as spontaneous as a NASA rocket launch (Earsucker)

Anne Hathaway wears support hose! (FitFabCeleb)

Celebrity fashion week (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Gosh, Emma Watson, lay off the ‘roids! (GossipTeen)

Lance Armstrong has had more comebacks than Cher (HaveUHeard)

A bunch of Yanks at the Brit Awards, why? (INeedMyFix)

Britney’s leaking! (PoorBritney)

Courtney Love perfects the “Dexedrine-addicted, glamorous auntie” look (PopBytes)

Who invited HER? (TheSkinny)

Wee Wang

This, my friends, is the best-dressed attendee at New York Fashion Week: it’s Alexander Wang’s niece. The only quibble I have with the outfit, which is, I believe the fashionistas refer to it as “adorbz” yes, that’s the technical term, is, like the Queen, what the heck can she be keeping in that very expensive Chanel bag? Lipstick? Credit cards? Car keys? Plastic dinosaurs?

I heart these Valentine's Day shoes

We interrupt our usual celebrity programming (because Jennifer Aniston and Jake Gyllenhaal? PLEASE!) to bring you these delightful little Valentine’s Day peep-toes. Go on: a little vinyl from the dollar store and some BlueTack and you’ve got special occasion CFMP’s! Lather, rinse, repeat with shamrocks in a month’s time. This is why classic shoes such as these Fitzwell Preston Peep Toe Patentsnever let you down.

Pete Wentz has a no fro and, apparently, a hostage

Poor little Bronx Mowgli Wentz! Not only are his parents divorcing, but Daddy has obviously gotten the Rebound Hairdo de Tutti Rebound Hairdos. Gone is the emo fringe: say hello to the Oh No, Bro Fro.

Naomi Campbell has had to become adept at where she hides her cellphone

Poor Naomi Campbell! Stripped of her protective Gaultier carapace she reveals the truth of what Bridget Jones said about all us single women: that underneath our clothes our bodies are entirely covered in scales. To which we say HAIL CTHULHU, BABY!

Congrats to the cute couple

Awww, isn’t that cute? The Duchess of Alba and her boytoy Alfonso Díez are making it legal. Living proof, if any were needed, that an aggressive nose job that results in you breathing out of two large pores in the middle of your face is never a wasted expense, if it allows one to attract men known to society paper readers everywhere as “and Unnamed Friend”.

In honour of the lovely couple, let’s toast them with a classic Champagne cocktail fortified with a little Spanish brandy, and read some sexy gossip links:

inside raincoaster (raincoaster)

Ryan Reynolds has a sexy fra…what was I saying? (Ayyyy)

Kate Spade’s sexy movie (ManoloFood)

Fred and George Weasley KNOW they’ve got it (Lolebrity)

Sir Elton has some words for our generation’s biggest a$$ (AgentBedhead)

Chris Isaak’s steamy new video (BusyBeeBlogger)

Tila Tequila’s sex tape means we’ll never be rid of her (CelebDirtyLaundry)

WHAT is Gaga doing to herself in bed? (CelebritySmack)

ScarJo doesn’t let cobwebs grow on her ladybits (CelebVIPLounge)

VD Stars! (CityRag)

OMG Tila Tequila and Jennifer Aniston appear in sketchy video together (DailyStab)

Michelle Trachtenberg loves her body and tells you ALL about it (FitFabCeleb)

They get wet (GirlsTalkinSmack)

J Hud talks about her new body (HaveUHeard)

Anderson Cooper is NOT into beatings! (INeedMyFix)

Britney’s got yogabutt! (PoorBritney)

What’s Lady Gaga’s sex name? (PopBytes)

Forget the body: what has Nicole Richie done to her face? (TheSkinny)

Chuck Berry on line one… (SeriouslyOMG)

Ryan Reynolds doesn't know what you're looking at

I ran into RyRey here during the Olympics (or rather, he was driving and didn’t run into me, even though his wife was distractingly sulking bitchily in the passenger seat, no doubt because she was overcome with jealousy, yeah, that’s it) and can verify that he has a marvelous, yet vacant-looking smile on his face even in the most completely neutral of situations. I wonder what life would be like if we all had marvelous, vacant-looking smiles on our faces at all times, including while navigating challenging rush hour traffic and dodging crosswalk-abusing bloggers…probably people would speak slower to us, using smaller, more polite words.

Apropos of nothing: Call me, Ryan.

Actually, that would be an AWESOME name for a band, wouldn’t it? In this case, however, it’s actually just the title of this post, which is about the new Krystle and Alexis Barbie dolls.

Krystal and Alexis Barbie dolls: wait till Heather Locklear hears about this!

I’m with MichaelK, who says the Alexis doll reminds him more of Audrina Patridge with a bad wig (from the Joan Collins collection?) than the fearsome icon herself. It was always easier to get Linda Evans right, because Linda Evans, just like all of John Derek’s wives, long ago went through all necessary cosmetic procedures in order to look like a Barbie doll in the flesh.

For what it’s worth, they’re not quite as tragic as the Twilight Barbies, but that’s not saying much. And when Heather Locklear finds out they overlooked Sammy-Jo, there will be HELL to pay!