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State of Emergency declared in Malibu

That $cientology diuretic diet sure works!

That $cientology diuretic diet sure works!

“Oh MOM! I told you to go before we left home!”

In related news, Katie is actually wearing three inch heels. On the beach. As for the blazer with cutoffs, the “Goldman Sachs/Tara Reid” look has never worked for anyone.

Let’s have a round of Pee-Pee Cocktails (yes, this is a real thing, and not half bad) and some celebrity gossip links.

Alec Baldwin busts his cherry! Twitter virginity: it’s happened to all of us! (raincoaster)

How many Britney fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? No, seriously, how many? Take off your socks if you have to… (Ayyyy)

Sunday Food Porn! Sushi Sunday! Not bad, for a legally blind photographer. (Manolofood)

Conan O’Brien’s Coyote Morning. OMG she’s so totally under age! (Lolebrity)

Chicken Soup for the Young Witch. Which really should include the advice to read better books, you’d think. (AgentBedhead)

Chris Isaak brings the fur! I…I’m nearly speechless. Wetsuit. Fur. Um… (BusyBeeBlogger)

Snooki vs Cops! Why does the stubby sexpot always end up on the losing end of these exchanges with the law? CONSPIRACY! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Divorcing Celebrities celebrate Memorial Day! Shop till you drop/straddle a penis replacement. Guess which is the Kennedy. (CelebritySmack)

The Girl with the Most Awesome Movie Trailer. Or dragon tattoo. But everybody I know has one of those. Just me then? Just me? (CelebVIPLounge)

Sean Kingston and his plus one admitted to Emergency, bypassing the velvet rope. In related news, people have serious accidents on JetSki’s? (DailyStab)

Good news/Bad news: In Good News news, next generation Kardashians are unable to replicate. In Bad News news, they may still be sleeping with your children. (EarSucker)

Selma Blair much less intolerable pregnant. In related news, Selma Blair pregnant (who knew? who cared?) (FitFabCeleb)

Top THAT! 15 Stars wearing top hats: if Only I were one. My top hat fetish is a remnant of my 80′s upbringing. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Miley Cyrus makes it easy for the TSA. And also gossip bloggers looking for cheap shots. (HaveUHeard)

“Hobbit” teasers. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (HollywoodHiccups)

Adorable mentally impaired person proposes to Lady Gaga on Twitter. No response yet. (INeedMyFix)

Born this way: deeply in debt. Oh, who can’t relate to this? (MathewGuiver)

Britney hates Brazil? Don’t cry for her! (PoorBritney)

And this is WHY the Bielebers hate Selina Gomez. Because you don’t get a figure like that lying around your Scarborough bedroom listening to YouTubes! (TheSkinny)

More Pink! More Plump! More Plus! Oh come on, who doesn’t love this woman? More of her is ALWAYS better! (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

Kim Kardashian has stones

KKK stones

KKK stones

KKK has gone upscale in the 21st Century, as you can see. Nowadays they bring the bling.

In desperate need of a strong drink after that thought, we seek out a Bryce’s Erotic Dance of Freedom cocktail and some mind-wiping gossip links.

Operation Global Media Domination: the Craigslist Situation. I haz a famus! I haz a famus! Now, where’s my goddam book deal? (raincoaster)

Friday Caption Contest: Royals in Skivvies Edition. Nice underoos there, Prince Hot Ginge (Ayyyy)

Rack On! This dress is a lovely cut, and I intend to cut a rug in it very soon. (ManoloFood)

Stephen Harper vs Barack Obama, it’s 1812 The Rematch! (Crasstalk)

Pauly Shore needs your help! Well, Pauly Shore needs help; we all knew that! (AgentBedhead)

Closer. Coffee is for Closer? I’d pay to see NIN score the rock opera Glengarry Glen Ross! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Happy Birthday to the most beautiful child in the universe. Well, since I was little. And not counting Johnny Depp’s two. Still, Mazel Tov, Shiloh! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

RIP Jeff Conaway. Naturally this includes a quote from the rehab doc who failed to help him. (CelebritySmack)

Are YOU spongeworthy? Enter this giveaway and find out! (CelebVIPLounge)

Mindless summer fun is the BESTEST summer fun! And the slip ‘n slide adds a whole new dimension of fun to swinger parties. (CityRag)

Danica Patrick gets a real job! Instead of modeling for cheesy advertising shoots to feed and clothe herself. You go, girl! (DailyStab)

Amy Winehouse says Yes, Yes, Yes! Yes, it’s a cheap joke, but she earned it. (EarSucker)

Lindsay Lohan makes her money lying down. As we all suspected would happen sooner or later. (FitFabCeleb)

Fifteen celebs wearing pearl necklaces. You already clicked this, didn’t you, you dirty-minded bastard? (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Lady Gaga doing an awesome impression of Marylou Whitney as a rubber fetish stripper. No, really. Must be seen to be believed. (HaveUHeard)

Sarah Jessica Parker news: I know how she does it: PHOTOSHOP! (HollywoodHiccups)

ZOMG JLO SEX TAPE!!!! Why am I still typing, you’ve long since clicked the link, haven’t you? (INeedMyFix)

Adam Lambert pulls a Tavi. If you didn’t get that reference, I’m kind of proud of you. (MathewGuiver)

Britney Spears. Internet Drama. Fans. Flames. You know you want to click when the boss isn’t looking. (PoorBritney)

Urban Outfitters = Urban OutandOutThievers. No seriously, this is very real. Don’t buy their stuff. (PopBytes)

Jon Hamm scores! With video! You’ve already clicked away, we both know this. (Swoonworthy)

Apparently cocaine is not fattening. In totally unrelated news, Tara Reid is losing weight! (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

 

Presented Without Comment

Suri Cruise should apologize for this outfit

Suri Cruise should apologize for this outfit

Well, no comment from me, that is. I think this is enough.

From A Guide to Elegance: For Every Woman Who Wants to Be Well and Properly Dressed on All Occasions:

Little daughters are understandably the pride and joy of their monthers, but they are very often also, alas, the reflection of their mothers’ inelegance. When you see a poor child all ringletted, beribboned, and loaded down with a handbag, an umbrella, and earrings, or wearing crepe-soled shoes with a velvet dress, you can e certain that her mother hasn’t the slightest bit of taste.

 

Pippa Middleton is Anglo-Canadian

Pippa Middleton in her Canadian Tuxedo

Poor Pippa Middleton is sad because she only has flats to wear with her Canadian Tuxedo

Oh, Pippa, you poor thing. Without a Lady in Waiting of your own, there’s nobody to tell you that if you’re going to go matchy-matchy with the infamous Canadian Tuxedo, you’ve got to, you know, go for it.

Canadian Tuxedo Shoe

Canadian Tuxedo Shoe

There. Fixed it!

Innards for Outerwear

Normally, I have a bit of a crush on Asher Levine’s superhero-worthy collections, particularly the footwear, which epitomizes Fierce.

 

Asher Levine street superhero look

Asher Levine street superhero look

And for the not-so-tender tootsies:

 

Asher Levine boot for all your ass kicking needs

Asher Levine boot for all your ass kicking needs

but occasionally even the most brilliant and beloved of designers has That Moment. You know, That Moment of Inspiration where he suddenly sees something truly new, unique, daring…and someone should have leaned over and whispered “No.”

And That Moment when you think it’s a good idea to festoon the torso with an intricate filigree of intestines? That, my friend, IS That Moment.

 

Mai showldar colons: let me show u dem

Mai showldar colons: let me show u dem

Just offal.

One of these things is not like the others

John Paul George and Loser

John Paul George and Loser

Ringo always had a propensity to play the fool unwittingly; it was this and not his equally regrettable penchant for country music, that led to the endless “but without Ringo, they could have gone far” arguments.

Oh Ringo.
Oh Ringo.

Poor dweeb. Let’s drink to Ringo with a Ringo Cocktail (much better than a John, a Paul, or a George, it must be said) and distract ourselves from the pathetic meaninglessness of existence with some gossip links.

Hideous video proof of the atavistic survival of HP Lovecraft’s unspeakable Cthulhu-worshipping Deep Ones. In related news, not all Brazilians are attractive in bikinis. Who knew? (raincoaster)

Saturday Caption Contest: Janice Dickinson. Caption this avatar of style and grace for fantastic, completely imaginary prizes (Ayyyy)

VODKANAPPING!!! I repeat: VODKANAPPING! Have you seen this Crystal Head vodka roaming the Californian countryside? If so, forget the police and call me: I’ll bring Campari. Negroni time, baby! (ManoloFood)

Severus Snape schools Voldemort. Oh, this will not end well: probably in slash, in fact. Yes, all wizard battles should be settled in X-rated slash fanfics, if you axe me which I note you did not but you should anyway. Not that I would write that. Well, not for free, anyway (Lolebrity)

Anthony Burgess is more prolific than you FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!! Seriously, won’t this dude ever let up? What’s his fucking problem anyway? (Crasstalk)

Handy-dandy how to handle internet drama tips for fun and/or profit. Or just cheap laughs sometimes (raincoastermedia)

Lady Gaga’s shoes almost outed Ryan Seacrest. Finally, she performs a useful social function. Almost. Insert tortured Cinderella/sex toy/Freudian metaphor here (AgentBedhead)

Matthew Perry attempts to focus on sobriety. It’s a lot easier to focus when you close one eye, dude. I uh, read it somewhere. (BusyBeeBlogger)

The Wisteria Sisters strike again! Kate Middleton’s sister climbs into the ranks of the aristocracy (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Wonder Woman is Dead!!! And the universe strokes its adamantium bracelets and goes “dodged a bullet there”. (CelebritySmack)

The Gouvernator has a plus one. Or two. Or three. Or, really, how desperate ARE the women of California? Seriously! (CelebVIPLounge)

Ashton Kutcher cast in Two and a Half Men. He has tons of experience being the baby of the family, so this should work out well. (DailyStab)

Mariah Carey almost loses her twin unicorn babies! Child Protection Services are just a bunch of big ol’ anti-partyite poopooheads. (EarSucker)

KK and KO show off the latest in “capable of withstanding incredible horizontal tension” couture. Sponsored by Azzedine Alaia for Michelin and the Jaws of Life. (FitFabCeleb)

14 celebs getting their drank on! Cheers, we’ll drink to that. To the point where we can’t see Snooki’s burnt mug clearly anymore and can go to sleep happy. In related news, Irish Pajamas is a thing (GirlsTalkinSmack)

This isn’t the first time a police escort has taken a 16-year-old home, but it’s the first time Ryan Seacrest’s dream ever came to actual life knowmasayin? (HaveUHeard)

The Muppets are back, bitchez! Lock up your stuffed toys and hide your anthropomorphic pets! (HollywoodHiccups)

Britney’s Dramamobile is on display. But then, so is everything of Britney’s, all the damn time. (PoorBritney)

Ashton Kutcher will have you know he’s a man of parts. And you can see most of them in this picture. (SwoonWorthy)

 

Top THAT!

 

Mai Cthulhu Hat. Let me show u it.

Mai Cthulhu Hat. Let me show u it.

 

Princess Beatrice’s stunning Royal Wedding hat was so stunning it became a worldwide source of attention, launching a thousand stunning photoshops and at least half as many cheap, stunned laughs. Now, it is poised to launch that many bids, as the heinous beribboned toilet seat goes up for auction to benefit charity.

Yes, the daughter of Fergie plans to auction the shapely chapeau on eBay, to raise money for Fergie UNICEF. No word yet on where the bidding will start, but my guess is somewhere around £1,000 (approx. 4 million USD).

That sound? Was the sound of gays all around the world smashing their piggybanks. Till the auction goes live, you can get a paper version on eBay for less than ten bucks.

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Oh Man (Ray) Suzy Parker was gorgeous

Suzy Parker, Man Ray style

Suzy Parker, Man Ray style

All American beauty Suzy Parker wasn’t above ripping off a look from some hollow-chested Euro shutterbug, thereby prefacing the Gena Rowlands glasses-as-headband phenomenon by some years. Who do you like better, Suzy or Man Ray’s original model, the titled and tilted Marquise Casati?

Marquise Casati by Man Ray

Marquise Casati by Man Ray


And now, on to some discombobulating gossip links:

The Gospel according to Don Cherry (raincoaster)

Andre Leon Talley vs Cthulhu in the fashion wars (Ayyyy)

Fashion Fascist vs Art Ninja: who will survive? (Lolebrity)

Cinco de Mayo: Let there be Carnitas! (Manolofood)

Suri Cruise beats out that tatty Kate Middleton for Best Dressed (AgentBedhead)

America’s Royal Wedding is on: are you on the list? (BusyBeeBlogger)

Marie Osmond’s post-Easter miracle: resurrecting her first marriage (CelebDirtyLaundry)

The rear view looks like the moons of Jupiter, in hammer pants (CelebritySmack)

The Parachute Club aren’t dead: they’ve just become this woman’s stylists (CelebVIPLounge)

Don’t mess with the Donald! (CityRag)

Jesse James secures his place in the hearts of American women (DailyStab)

Congratulations, Mariah. It’s a noun and an adjective! (EarSucker)

RIP Perry White (FitFabCeleb)

An Unforgettable Writer’s Farewell (Gawker)

Busted! These celebs are total mugs (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Hey, Abbottabad! Jon Stewart is on first, second, third and home base (HaveUHeard)

Zsa Zsa is back! in the hospital (HollywoodHiccups)

Will they be changing the name to “The Real Divorcees of Beverly Hills?” (INeedMyFix)

The Cokorexia Twins leave Global HQ (MathewGuiver)

Britney makes a blogger cry!! (PoorBritney)

Colin Firth wspieolsiigeou what was I saying? (SwoonWorthy)

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