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Accessory to Crime | Ayyyy! - Part 3
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Slam Punk

So apparently the Met is throwing punk parties nowadays; well, I guess someone had to, what with CBGBs closed and the Mudd Club closed and Max’s Kansas City closed and…everything closed, and half the people dead. So they threw a party called “PUNK: Chaos to Couture,” invited the Living Dead, the Social Skeletons, and the mummified dowagers and their walkers to a gala and…

Sienna Miller was the best-dressed woman there?

Sienna Miller at the Met Gala

Sienna Miller at the Met Gala

I know, I know, I’m losing my edge: first Katy Perry, now Sienna Miller. Both women I love to loathe, and both hit it out of the park in terms of the right fashion at the right time and place. It’s not easy to do glam punk, but Miller does it here with a jacket and headpiece worth more than Jonny Rotten ever spent on heroin in his entire life. But she still doesn’t look like she’s in costume; she looks like she could wear that with ripped jeans in a squat and be as relaxed and at home as Gwyneth Paltrow pretends to be when surrounded by food.

But that’s costume, gala punk. The Little Fashion Troll, he is the real thing.

Galliano is gloriously insane

Galliano is gloriously insane

And can someone tell me why, out of that entire fringey shorts over the camo shorts with the Pucci scarf with the prepster vest with the Derelicte jacket I am focused entirely on the feet and wondering where (and why) he ever got camel-toed British military socks? Do the Japanese do a lot of deer stalking in the Highlands or something? If they do, trust John Galliano to sneak up and snag their look when they’re not looking.

Hump Day Hunk: Prince William’s Murse

Prince William and his faithful Murse

Prince William and his faithful Murse

He may have been a mere tow-headed tyke, but even then Prince William would have none of your saucy sartorial side-eye. A boy needs his murse.

Kim Kardashian’s cups spilleth over

Kim Kardashian takes a no holds bra'd approach

Kim Kardashian

As you can clearly see, KK takes a no holds bra’d approach to maternity wear. That strapless bra hasn’t been a good idea in about…oh, four consonants at least.

Spot the Metaphor!

Phoebie Price + car crash = you tell me

Phoebie Price + car crash = you tell me

Really, I have to say that the dress is the worst wreck in that picture. It looks like she’s wearing a five-year-old’s best nightgown.

Finally, a winnable war!

Croc vs Alligator

Croc vs Alligator

It has begun! At last, a war with no moral ambiguity whatsoever!

Hayden for the past

Hayden

Hayden

Hey, Hayden haytes wayten for the ladies room. Also, so that’s where my old prom shoes went. 1986 was a great year, wasn’t it?

Prince H

Prince Heidi Ho

Prince Heidi Ho

HRH Prince Harry of Great Britain. Harry, short for Heidi, apparently. Dare we hope Heidi Ho?

Who Wore it Better: MJ Edition

Michael Jackson and the last two people indifferent to him

Michael Jackson and the last two people indifferent to him

In the accessory department, this is a close call. MJ wins on the shoes. Pennyloafers always win, and flesh-coloured shoes are some stripper novelty item that should never have entered the mainstream. But in the Purse Wars, I’m giving it to Granny in the Middle, even though I hate squashy bags. That 80’s applique on Michael’s bag is just Criminal.

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