Ayyyy!

This? This is genius. And no doubt about to be a best-seller with single girls, who are up to their ears in articles on how to date hot men who bore them senseless (anything rather than be single!): just get him one of these super-turtlenecks and voila! Problem solved, and so much less stressful than just telling him to shut up.

M is for Muffle It, Heidi (AgentBedhead)

Shut Your Mouth! Elijah Wood is 29 (AmyGrindhouse)

Mad Man murdered by silence (BusyBeeBlogger)

Ben wants Jen to STFU (CeleBitchy)

Siskel shushes Ebert (Movieline)

Cows take Kiefer for a ride (PopEater)

Tina Turner is HOW old? Shut up! (CelebritySmack)

Say What? (DailyStab)

Monjack seeks to gag WarnerBrothers (DListed)

Amy Winehouse erases Blake (HolyMoly)

Things Jennifer Aniston DIDN’T say (PopBytes)

Denise Van Outen speaks in code (UKPopSugar)

Mariah’s dress covers her hidden charms (CityRag)

Hugh Jackman speaks! (LitelySalted)

Diddy did? I’m speechless (LaughingStork)

Clare Danes speaks for the autistic (INeedMyFix)

Pete Doherty continues to be unspeakable (CrazyDays&Nights)

Jay Leno hasn’t spoken to Conan (EvilBeet)

Ugly Betty silenced (GabbyBabble)

Alicia Keys has no comment (INO)

NBC slides Conan some hush money? (JustJared)

Zelda Rubenstein has gone dark (Movieline)

Jon Voight wants you to STFU HATERZ (PerezHilton)

Mariah shouldn’t talk! (ASL)

Lance Bass is quietly emo (TenGossip)

Chris Matthews puts his foot in his mouth (Gawker)

Shut up, Kanye (Lolebrity)

Ah, after all these years, what has not already been said about the protean talents of hottie and character actor Colin Farrell? Remember the time LiLo gave him her phone number in the gym? And he asked her how old she was? And she said seventeen? And he handed the card back and said call me in a year? and she did? And the rest is (medical) history?

He didn’t look like this back then:

Yes, it’s Colin “hottest fry cook in the chip wagon” Farrell, the pride of Dublin. Actually, given how drastically Lindsay’s gone downhill in the last year, he’s probably out of her league now, however much he might try to tone down teh sex-ay.

And believe me, he’s trying.

So Colin, what do you think of Bruges? (NSFW language, unless you work as a blogger, in which case at least be sure the people in the cafe can’t hear this)

Sure, blondes have more fun, but does she LOOK like a girl who likes to have fun? (AgentBedhead)

There IS justice in the world (AmyGrindhouse)

Kendra Wilkinson a FAR better actress than anyone suspected (BusyBeeBlogger)

If nomenclature and PR couldn’t keep these guys together, what hope IS there? (CelebritySmack)

Topless hunks in headless story (PopSugar)

Vampires: they’re JUST like us! (Lainey)

Van spawns MINI-Van (DListed)

Buh-BYE, Ty-Ty! (DailyStab)

PETA’s pet peeves (CeleBitchy)

MUST-see tv (Gawker)

Brit is BROWN! (EvilBeet)

Lindsay’s found her CALLING (HolyCandy)

Rapist sues over label; still fine with DOUCHE tho (LitelySalted)

Homeless couple spotted with ADORABLE children (GabbyBabble)

MALFOY in MIAMI! (INO)

Charlie Sheen’s Christmas CARDED (JustJared)

The AVATAR Holiday Special! (Movieline)

Mariah CARRY! (SeriouslyOMG)

Beckham’s BACK! (PopBytes)

“Hello, dollink. Is problem. I said get me Transylvanian orphan, not Pennsylvanian! Now YOU explain mixup to Fearless Leader. But thanks for hat; I always knew that rotten squirrel vould be good for something someday.”

It’s true what Glinda says: so purty you almost forget he’s a bit of a douchenozzle.

Rob Zombie’s Where the Wild Things Are (AgentBedhead)

Corey Feldman’s back on the market, ladies! (AmyGrindhouse)

James Franco must not be a REAL Italian (BusyBeeBlogger)

Back to the Eurasian Orphan Emporium for Tomkat (CeleBitchy)

World’s worst toupee? (CelebritySmack)

Gordon Ramsay experiences pain, a generation of sous chefs yell, “TELL me about it!” (DailyStab)

Gore Vidal destroys a potentially lucrative career as a childcare professional (Gawker)

Pete Wentz is a marked man (EvilBeet)

Jimmy Kimmel, claws out (GabbyBabble)

Rosielina? J’Odonnell? (INO)

Twihards about to blow their stack if RPattz is a free agent (UKPopSugar)

Hamthrax in Hollywood (Movieline)

Craig Ferguson joins the Navy (SeriouslyOMG)

But IS this, in fact, IT? (ASL)

See – this is what happens when people who should know better get caught wearing a fake-looking wig of dubious quality. Spies, remember to be more discerning in your choice of hairpieces or you will be hauled away and dealt with accordingly.

Yep, still living pure. Cocoa, fresh vegetables, whole grains, and the finest flu and cold medicines known to mankind. I’m seeing quadruple!

Om nom nom Lohan (Websters)

Jesse Metcalfe brings the Elvis Hair (TenGossip)

Heidi Klum shows off her panties (ASL)

Robin Williams’ unscheduled downtime (SeriouslyOMG)

Daryl Hannah still exists! (PopBytes)

Kate Moss isn’t pregnant and DON’T YOU FORGET IT (UKPopSugar)

The 25 stupidest outfits ever (BWE)

Nikki Taylor 2.0 (ImNotObsessed)

Angelina goes blonde (IBBB)

Life IS like High School Musical reunions (GoFugYourself)

The 80’s really are back (EvilBeet)

Radiohead puts Miley Cyrus in her place (Lainey)

Michael Jackson concerts announced, chaos to ensue (HolyMoly)

Jennifer Aniston a botox-free zone? (DailyStab)

Kardashians putting the “ass” in “class” again (CelebritySmack)

Octomom production tape for sale (AmyGrindhouse)

Juliette Lewis, the hardest-working Scientologist in showbusiness (AgentBedhead)

Sometimes you open a wine only to realize you should have left it unmolested for a couple of more years, minimum. And so it is with the Finca Flichman 2007 Malbec; currently, you could use it to cut the grease on your stove hood, or stain your deck, but I wouldn’t recommend drinking it for 24 months at least, unless raw velociraptor blood is your drink of choice. Which, knowing this blog’s readers, I don’t entirely rule out.

President Obama’s Inauguration Speech: full text (raincoaster)

Juliette Lewis speaks from the heart (AgentBedhead)

Kelly Osbourne busted for beat-down (AmyGrindhouse)

A complete beginner’s guide to Martin Luther King, in standup (BWE)

Blake more Incarcerated than he expected (CelebWarship)

John Cleese nekked (CeleBitchy)

The Paris Hilton Rerun channel (CelebrityDirtyLaundry)

What’s up, Doc? (CelebritySmack)

Lindsay Lohan celebrates early (HolyMoly)

Madonna will give you what for (WWTDD)

Joiquin Phoenix’s new pseudeolife (Defamer)

Can a vagina win Miss Congeniality? (EvilBeet)

Nobody messes with Julia Farking Roberts (DListed)

Angelina Jolie/Paris Hilton One of these things is not like the other (CandyKirby)

The City, The Headband, The Recap (IBBB)

Britney’s got a book deal (ImNotObsessed)

The DC Celebrity Roundup (UKPopSugar)

Benjamin Button = Forrest Gump? (SeriouslyOMG)

Katy Perry satin it (Websters)

For just five cents a day you can feed a Hollywood stylist (CelebWarship)

Tom Cruise busts a move (AgentBedhead)

Paula vs Simon. It’s ON, bitches! (GenosWorld)

Beyonce beaten! (AmyGrindhouse)

Kiefer’s a star in our hearts and on our sidewalks (UKPopSugar)

Childhood trauma explains Pam Anderson’s taste in men (CelebritySmack)

Brad Pitt’s kids will ask him to get married (CeleBitchy)

The Black Hole of Hasselhoff (CityRag)

“I love you.” “What?” (Reuters)

The weirdest way to skip work (Crunk+Disorderly)

Oprah admits she fell off the wagon (DailyStab)

William Shatner plays doctor (Defamer)

Your Illinois governor scandal sheet (EvilBeet)

Jessica Simpson learned from these guys (FourFour)

Cate Blanchett’s Spanx are showing! (GabbyBabble)

JLo learns Angie but good! (GoFugYourself)

You know what they say: big feet… (HolyCandy)

The 5th Day of Harriet Carter Christmas (IBBB)

Rumble at Chuck E. Cheese! (CandyKirby)

The day the Earth stood still for Keanu and Jennifer (ImNotObsessed)

The Brangelina clan to expand again? (JustJared)

Miley Cyrus, silent at last (SeriouslyOMG)

Jim Carrey will do anything for a laugh (ASL)

Lindsay Lohan’s leggings are flying off! (Websters)