My lovely colleague raincoaster has been temporarily sidelined.  So I am stepping in to fill some very large, albeit gin-soaked, shoes.  Unfortunately, I lack raincoaster’s Assange/alcohol/Viggo obsessions, but hopefully she will be back sooner rather than later.

Today I present alleged singer Porcelain Black, fresh from the BET awards.

Hon, you know you’ve got problems when a 3 year old rocks the cone bra better than you do.

Mubarak Chic: yes, you can judge a book by its cover

Truly has it been said that fascists generally have the best uniforms. When it comes to fallen dictators, however, the same is not true. Look at Hosni Mubarak here, former president of Egypt and current homeless dude. Never mind the cut of his jib, we can tell he’s earned those stripes. It may look like a regular old pinstripe suit, but if God is in the details I’d have to say this qualifies as blasphemy, because those stripes are actually made up of his name, printed over and over. Of such gaudy heights of self-aggrandizement may the average Mafiosi only dream.

Speaking of gaudy pinstripes, let’s drown our sartorial sorrows with a classic Bronx Cocktail and a few buttoned-down gossip links, shall we?

Baby on Board (raincoaster)

Nicole Kidman could use a sammich (Lolebrity)

London Fashion Week is for the birds (Ayyyy)

I scream! (ManoloFood)

He should fit right in with Lindsay and Gadaffi (AgentBedhead)

Charlie Sheen too busy winning to retain custody of his kids (BusyBeeBlogger)

Justin Bieber sells out to rich witch doctor? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

A simple summit with Lady Gaga (CelebritySmack)

Robert Pattinson cheats on Tai (CelebVIPLounge)

Babies: totally Team Coco (CityRag)

Katie “Sue” Holmes (DailyStab)

Kim Kardashian, Saviour of Autotune (Earsucker)

Save Oprah! (FitFabCeleb)

Another sign Russia is in desperate straights (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Oh man, the ski lobby hates celebrities (HaveUHeard)

ScarJo publicly toejobs Sean Penn (INeedMyFix)

Oh Em Jee, the Oscars are about to get awesome (MathewGuiver)

Britney’s V shots (PoorBritney)

Sad Mugshot Xtina is sad (PopBytes)

Amanda Seyfried’s magically transforming Doc Martens (TheSkinny)

Five Angels, only two backsides among them (TheSkinnyChic)

James Franco is stoned to the gills

Sure, he was just a little sleepy. And probably a lot peckish.

Baby on Board (raincoaster)

Josh and the RealDoll (Ayyyy)

Nick Denton responds to Gawker critics (Lolebrity)

Sunday Food Porn: Bagels and tomatoes (ManoloFood)

Yay for sammiches! And boobs! (AgentBedhead)

RIP Jane Fucking Russell (BusyBeeBlogger)

Jake vs Taylor (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Natalie Portman is a hippie fashionista mom (CelebritySmack)

Even Celebs say It Gets Better (CelebrityVIPLounge)

SANS FARDS!!! (CityRag)

Sheen drama! (DailyStab)

Gaga was born this way (Earsucker)

Dancing with the Has-Beens lineup (FitFabCeleb)

Two and a Half Men to upgrade to Three Men? (GirlsTalkinSmack)

NPH and JR are on the move (HaveUHeard)

Corey vs the Oscars (INeedMyFix)

Kathy Griffin is Madame de Pompadour (MatthewGuiver)

Gaga vs Britney (PoorBritney)

Homespun country star Gwyneth Paltrow at the Vanity Fair Oscar party (TheSkinny)

Arcade Fire. Silly stylist: Canadians don't wear black!

Arcade Fire are a musical group of insufferably twee Canadian hipsters who stole the grammy that Esperanza Spaulding didn’t. They are also the band that launched a thousand tweets, most of them asking “Who the hell are Arcade Fire?” Well, this guy has your answer:

and if you’re wondering why you should care, this acoustic version of the Clash’s Guns of Brixton, recorded in the lobby of the Brixton Academy should answer that pretty resoundingly. You can try to resist, but you cannot succeed, because this version is a worthy anthem for our surprisingly revolutionary time.

And yes, that is a Hurdy Gurdy.

That's not hot sauce, ladies

His protestations to the contrary, we have conclusive proof that Viggo Mortensen is a Red Wings fan.

And that’s just too gross to explain, even for me.

Wash your mind’s eye out with a Muff Diver shooter (no hands, please!) and a few gossip links:

Zachary Quinto has a message for young people (Lolebrity)

Who won the fashion wars? (Ayyyy)

The St Valentine’s Day Massacre/Roundup (raincoaster)

The most perfect food in the world, in 926 words (ManoloFood)

Charlie Sheen pulls an Edith Piaf (AgentBedhead)

You know, I’d pay good money to watch her in the UFC ring (BusyBeeBlogger)

Tila Tequila has gone Amish on us (CelebDirtyLaundry)

In fairness, I’d snub Avril Lavigne too (CelebritySmack)

Wait till Shia LaBeouf hears about this! (CelebVIPLounge)

I don’t blame him: EVERYONE hates Daleks (CityRag)

Your straight boyfriend will care about this story (DailyStab)

Jessica Simpson is as spontaneous as a NASA rocket launch (Earsucker)

Anne Hathaway wears support hose! (FitFabCeleb)

Celebrity fashion week (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Gosh, Emma Watson, lay off the ‘roids! (GossipTeen)

Lance Armstrong has had more comebacks than Cher (HaveUHeard)

A bunch of Yanks at the Brit Awards, why? (INeedMyFix)

Britney’s leaking! (PoorBritney)

Courtney Love perfects the “Dexedrine-addicted, glamorous auntie” look (PopBytes)

Who invited HER? (TheSkinny)

Drew, Honey, that dress is No People's Choice

Of that tragic saque, we shall not speak. No, we are only going to harsh on the (undoubtedly expensive) hair today.

The people choose not to say anything, because they can't say anything nice

My sister once paid a guy three figures to give her dark roots, but she’s a real blonde. And she never would have paid extra to have a visible line of demarcation between her real hair and her extensions. And even if she were a spokesmodel/actress/whatever for Covergirl, she’d know better than to wear that much blush and undereye concealer. I’m increasingly coming to the conclusion that the terrorists are concentrating on “makeup bombing” Hollywood stars to demoralize the populace.

Let’s distract ourselves from the end of the world with some good ol’ gossip links, shall we?

Pointless Internet Drama, I wish I could quit you (raincoaster)

Good Mourning! (Ayyyy)

Colin Firth’s face AND Alan Rickman’s voice, in one post! (Lolebrity)

Toni Collette vs Coldplay (AgentBedhead)

Amy Winehouse goes Full Brazilian (BusyBeeBlogger)

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom welcome world’s most beautiful baby (CeleBitchy)

Amy Winehouse is wearing an awfully tall belt (NSFW) (CelebDirtyLaundry)

It’s Ted Williams’ world; we just live in it (CelebritySmack)

Detouched Celebrities (CityRag)

He’s still a douchebag, but he’s an awfully decorative one when he’s nekkid (DailyStab)

Robert Pattinson doesn’t know who he is (FitFabCeleb)

Celebrity pizzaface (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Jane Krakowski is packing babeh (HaveUHeard)

Kardashian Kard Konflict! (INeedMyFix)

Britney leaks! (PoorBritney)

The evolution of the fashion blogger (PopBytes)

Drew Barrymore narrowly escaped from Borat, it seems (TheSkinny)

Kim Kardashian has a big mouth (SeriouslyOMG)

Selah.

Don’t worry, Cybill. You don’t look completely ridiculous working the “Sears Wish Book 1978″ look in your off-the-shoulder red “lounging ensemble.” You only look mostly ridiculous, far too orange, and tragically (not fabulously) retro.

What do you think? Can even the mighty powers of John Hamm make chinos and a plaid shirt dapper? I’m unconvinced. I think one or two Dirty Martinis would help me make up my mind, or at least blur my vision sufficiently to get over the Suburban Dad-ness of the ensemble.

Are you a celebrity blogger who’d rather drink than link? Links for sale…lovely links for sale…

Emma Watson’s (filthy) dirty laundry (Lolebrity)
Dino and Diogenes (raincoaster)
Bieber in the gutter! (SeriouslyOMG)
Paris Hilton no longer a Wynner (RadarOnline)
Great news! We may soon fob Katy Perry off on the UK full-time! (UKPopSugar)
Even great news: More Bill & Ted! (PerezHilton)
The Justice League vs City Hall (Movieline)
White Collar Battery! (INeedMyFix)
Happy Birthday, Cameron Diaz! (HaveUHeard)
Seriously the worst Emmy outfit (GoFugYourself)
Demi Moore does Snoop Dogg (GabbyBabble)
Rihanna gets waxed (DailyStab)
Spicy is a Calendar Girl (CelebritySmack)
I’ll buy the first two, but not the third, Mister Lowe (CeleBitchy)
Get your hands on Stephen Moyer’s sock! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Kate Hudson is not slutty! She’s “open.” (BusyBeeBlogger)
Let’s all hate rich people! (AmyGrindhouse)
What next, Lil Kim’s Calvados? (AgentBedhead)

to bottom

Rita Wilson shows herself to be a fashionista at the height of her powers. That height? About fifteen feet from the floor:

At the National Movie Awards last night, Gwyneth Paltrow is as pleased as punch that she scored a Judy Jetson dress the exact colour of Tahitian Treat.

I think she’s got it on backwards, actually.

TomKat is also all smiles, because they know they saved a bundle by buying that dress for $12 at H&M.

Wait, back up. Let’s get some celebrity reaction shots to that hot pink mess of Paltrow’s:

Emma Watson.

Kylie Minogue.

Tom Cruise.

And

Chris Rock, my imaginary boyfriend (#12 So far.).