Here are some ideas on what to do when you haven’t yet mastered the art of draping. None of them really work, but you might be able to sneak into an awards show nonetheless!

Well, if this doesn’t get me fired, nothing will.

Ashlee Simpson tries to rent out Bronx (CelebWarship)

RIP Bettie Page (BusyBeeBlogger)

Usher ushers in another son (BlackCelebrityKids)

The palace takes protective measures against Paris Hilton (TheBlemish)

Viggo relives WWII (HolyMoly)

At last: proof Lily Allen wears underwear (SeriouslyOMG)

Clay Aiken is a lucky, lucky man (POTP)

Ho, ho, ho, George Clooney (AgentBedhead)

Merry Christmas, y’all! (AmyGrindhouse)

Desperate fabric shortage in Russia! (CelebrityDirtyLaundry)

The REAL reason Hollywood is going on strike! (CelebuWreck)

Paris Hilton claims she’s proof blondes aren’t dumb (CeleBitchy)

Jerry Springer, however, shows unexpected signs of intelligence (CelebritySmack)

Demi Lovato needs a better PR (EvilBeet)

Karl’s Kristmas Karols (FakeKarl)

The Golden Globes nominations (CandyKirby)

These are the greatest church jokes? (IBBB)

Who’s your favorite British man? (UKPopSugar)

Truly a sign of how dire the situation has become, when celebrities have liquidated their exotic furs and now need to raid garbage cans for an extra layer of warmth.

There is something inherently depressing about seeing these tragic creations converge on the red carpet.  Really, it makes me just want to reach for the massive hanky hanging from Rihanna and bawl my eyes out.

Just like the American Grammys really, but with lousier makeup artists.

I’m not even going to pretend I know who all the attendees are, but I reckon I can tell which ones had the last choice of available red carpet outfits.  

It pains me when people do not consult their colour wheel and end up doing horrible things as a result.  Call me boring but what’s wrong with playing it safe and wearing black?

You know what, Hollywood? Y’all need to pull it together and start being entertaining again. Because this year’s Emmy dresses? Could not have been safer or more boring. Seriously, I would have worn half of that stuff to the grocery store. Now granted I once wore a fur coat and a pair of pajamas to the grocery store, but still. It’s not like I ask SO much of you. We don’t ask for talent, or moral fortitude or even underpants. We just want you to show up wearing something retarded once in a while so I can make fun of you on the internet. IS THAT SO HARD? GOD.

I mean, take Teri Hatcher here. SURE she looks like a deflated banana boat that had been sodomized by the “fancy” shower curtain from Aunt Earlene’s condo in Pensacola, but that’s it. It didn’t vomit glitter or inappropriate sheer patches or have a giant pair of bedazzled iguana claws strategically placed on the nipples.

Sigh. Sometimes I don’t even know if I’ve got the strength to go on.