Starring everyone’s favorite awkward uncle, Prince Charles, busting a move and maybe a few vertebrae in a traditional Saudi Arabian dance. Keep in mind that in Saudi the sexes cannot dance together, lest they be overcome by lust, so you might want to keep a cold shower handy while watching.

Then again, maybe not.

If he turns your crank, however (and he has turned a few in his time, must be the ears) you can try persuading any awkward man of middling height to wear this charming accessory while tripping the light or lumbering fantastic as the case may be.

What fresh Heck is this, y’all?

Mistress Tongue and the Acoustic Mayhem made their appearance on MTV Unplugged, and sadly the same word applied to our ears. Fortunately we found the remote after a mere 90 seconds of this caterwauling travesty and didn’t have to endure the torture any longer.

Now, I may be old and crochety, but it seems to me that if you’re going to go back to the 90′s for inspiration like Unplugged, there are better ways to combine top contemporary performers with vintage cool.

This, for instance.

Starring my old friend Mike from Vancouver. And also:

NEVER FORGET!

And, really, it’s a good goddam question.

That poor poodle looks frightened. What kind of action is going on there in the Action Zone???

Did I watch the Golden Globes? Are you kidding, that’s what recappers are for! But I did do a roundup of the best Golden Globes themed GIFs (hard G, y’all) and pick out the biggest loser, fashion-wise, so you’re welcome.

If, like me, you missed the whole thing, watch this video that recaps it in ninety seconds flat. Like me.

Let’s start with respected theatre and motion picture actress Emma Thompson seen here demonstrating her classical RADA training in how to make an unforgettable entrance.

Also making a memorable entrance was Elisabeth Moss on the ManiCam (the ManiCam is a thing? Jesus, take the wheel).

Elisabeth Moss and the ManiCam

The evening’s theme was “Negging,” flawlessly demonstrated here by my boy Bono.

Bono No Go

Everybody’s least favorite heiress (after Paris Hilton) jumped on the negging trend; it will no doubt form the centerpiece of an episode of Girls in the near future.

Leah Don’t Play That Way

Other celebs to leap aboard the negging juggernaut included:

Tommy Lee Jones

Protip: he’s really not into you

and the normally-sunny Julia Louis Dreyfuss

JLewDry and ReeWi

as well as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, the hosts.

Emma Watson knows it’s coming

It’s Mean Girls Live!

was it good for you too, Emma Watson?

Satisfying. In fact, negging on Taylor was a sub-plot all night. That spirit is embodied here in Everyone’s New Favorite Spunky Blonde, Jennifer Lawrence.

Jlaw vs TaySwi

Negging on JLaw’s couture Dior dress was a Thing as well, although it was not a GIF. Still, amusing and accurate.

We don’t Love it and yes I know that’s badminton not tennis. Shut up.

The World’s Most Perfect Person negged her own shoes, and they were Louboutins, and went on to neg the entire process of awards-presentation, but of course she did it flawlessly!

Emma

Emma is Telling You Things

Emma has her priorities straight

Emma wants a refill

And it all ended happily ever after.

Amy and Bono sitting in a tree

Unless your name is Ali Hewson, of course.

Karl Lagerfeld reportedly thinks that Coco Chanel would not have liked him. “I never bumped into Coco Chanel. It was better that way, she would have hated me,” he said to a rapt audience of students, none of whom were born when he took over designing for the House of Chanel. The changes he’s put in place to modernize the company and keep the designs fresh would have appalled and infuriated the irascible prot0-feminist founder. He added, “Some people say elegance is dead. They’re wrong. It has a new face.”

Miranda Kerr for Chanel

Dear Uncle Karl: That ain’t it.

PS, the face is up here!

I Kant with Kim

Never mind the eclipse. Judging from the visible craters, it’s time that someone stepped up and told Kim that you just don’t wear panties with Spanx. VPL meets VSL and there’s no YSL about it, Balenciaga or not, quadrabutt will never be in. Someone break it to Kanye.

Guy Fieri attacked his hairdresser today.

Guy Fieri’s actual hair. Not an aerial photo of Hurricane Sandy.

Well, wouldn’t you?

In related news, there are actual Guy Fieri wig/brostache sets for sale, should you be desperate to add the finishing touch to your Douchebag costume this year.

There, that’s an improvement!

The Return of Gaga!

Even the bodyguards had to admit that Gaga’s audition for Tinkerbell’s Knocked Up: The Omen VII was a little over the top.