My lovely colleague raincoaster has been temporarily sidelined.  So I am stepping in to fill some very large, albeit gin-soaked, shoes.  Unfortunately, I lack raincoaster’s Assange/alcohol/Viggo obsessions, but hopefully she will be back sooner rather than later.

Today I present alleged singer Porcelain Black, fresh from the BET awards.

Hon, you know you’ve got problems when a 3 year old rocks the cone bra better than you do.

That $cientology diuretic diet sure works!

“Oh MOM! I told you to go before we left home!”

In related news, Katie is actually wearing three inch heels. On the beach. As for the blazer with cutoffs, the “Goldman Sachs/Tara Reid” look has never worked for anyone.

Let’s have a round of Pee-Pee Cocktails (yes, this is a real thing, and not half bad) and some celebrity gossip links.

Alec Baldwin busts his cherry! Twitter virginity: it’s happened to all of us! (raincoaster)

How many Britney fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? No, seriously, how many? Take off your socks if you have to… (Ayyyy)

Sunday Food Porn! Sushi Sunday! Not bad, for a legally blind photographer. (Manolofood)

Conan O’Brien’s Coyote Morning. OMG she’s so totally under age! (Lolebrity)

Chicken Soup for the Young Witch. Which really should include the advice to read better books, you’d think. (AgentBedhead)

Chris Isaak brings the fur! I…I’m nearly speechless. Wetsuit. Fur. Um… (BusyBeeBlogger)

Snooki vs Cops! Why does the stubby sexpot always end up on the losing end of these exchanges with the law? CONSPIRACY! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Divorcing Celebrities celebrate Memorial Day! Shop till you drop/straddle a penis replacement. Guess which is the Kennedy. (CelebritySmack)

The Girl with the Most Awesome Movie Trailer. Or dragon tattoo. But everybody I know has one of those. Just me then? Just me? (CelebVIPLounge)

Sean Kingston and his plus one admitted to Emergency, bypassing the velvet rope. In related news, people have serious accidents on JetSki’s? (DailyStab)

Good news/Bad news: In Good News news, next generation Kardashians are unable to replicate. In Bad News news, they may still be sleeping with your children. (EarSucker)

Selma Blair much less intolerable pregnant. In related news, Selma Blair pregnant (who knew? who cared?) (FitFabCeleb)

Top THAT! 15 Stars wearing top hats: if Only I were one. My top hat fetish is a remnant of my 80′s upbringing. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Miley Cyrus makes it easy for the TSA. And also gossip bloggers looking for cheap shots. (HaveUHeard)

“Hobbit” teasers. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (HollywoodHiccups)

Adorable mentally impaired person proposes to Lady Gaga on Twitter. No response yet. (INeedMyFix)

Born this way: deeply in debt. Oh, who can’t relate to this? (MathewGuiver)

Britney hates Brazil? Don’t cry for her! (PoorBritney)

And this is WHY the Bielebers hate Selina Gomez. Because you don’t get a figure like that lying around your Scarborough bedroom listening to YouTubes! (TheSkinny)

More Pink! More Plump! More Plus! Oh come on, who doesn’t love this woman? More of her is ALWAYS better! (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

Suri Cruise should apologize for this outfit

Well, no comment from me, that is. I think this is enough.

From A Guide to Elegance: For Every Woman Who Wants to Be Well and Properly Dressed on All Occasions:

Little daughters are understandably the pride and joy of their monthers, but they are very often also, alas, the reflection of their mothers’ inelegance. When you see a poor child all ringletted, beribboned, and loaded down with a handbag, an umbrella, and earrings, or wearing crepe-soled shoes with a velvet dress, you can e certain that her mother hasn’t the slightest bit of taste.

Stop! In the name of ... all that is holy

The Fake and Bake is strong with this one.

Let’s all have a glass of Bolli fortified with Stoli and a good hard look at ourselves in the mirror (are we really turning into our mothers?) and a few celebrity gossip links with a Mother’s Day theme.

The great Hillary Clinton cover-up (raincoaster)

Mother’s Day food porn (ManoloFood)

Guess the celebrity and her mom (Ayyyy)

Norman Bates LOVES his mommy (Lolebrity)

Rock on: Mother’s Day ditty from Dwayne Johnson (AgentBedhead)

Sheryl Crow’s building her own Partridge Family (BusyBeeBlogger)

That’s it, Bieber! Go to your room! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Sean Penn, you listen to your mother! YOU COME BACK HERE YOUNG MAN!!! (CelebritySmack)

It’s okay, Kate, don’t be jealous. Mom always liked you best (CelebVIPLounge)

Is this woman the fiercest mom on the planet? (CityRag)

Baby Beckham is already colour-coordinated (DailyStab)

Mommy had better get out of rehab soon (EarSucker)

Uh, is this some kind of bizarre Hollywood fertility rite? (FitFabCeleb)

Celebs and their moms on Mother’s Day (HaveUHeard)

Sparklepants and the world’s most famous unwed mother pose (HollywoodHiccups)

Mom Julia Roberts wants to save millions of moms’s lives (INeedMyFix)

Xtina shows off her babyfeed silos (MathewGuiver)

Teen mom Jamie Lynn is scaring me (PoorBritney)

Saluting Sophia Loren, about 40 years late (PopBytes)

Happy mother’s day from Roseanne (SeriouslyOMG)

In certain circles George Clooney’s birthday was also a holiday (SwoonWorthy)

World’s most famous barren womb indulges in Salvation Armani (TheSkinny)

The torch is passed: Madonna’s girl-child releases a single (TheSkinnyChic)

Why do they call it Ladies Day?

Seriously, why don’t they just rename it “Tramps and Drag Queens Day” instead of Ladies’ Day? I need a Drag Queen Cocktail and some distracting gossip links.

Ellen Page is poetry in motion (raincoaster)

Cornify makes any website into poetry (raincoastermedia)

Jack Kerouac IS poetry (Lolebrity)

This is a very poetic lingo, whatever the hell it is (Ayyyy)

Gwyneth is greased! Hounds, release! (AgentBedhead)

ZOMG I think we know what sent Morrissey into his rage (BusyBeeBlogger)

Their bodies are wonderlands (CelebDirtyLaundry)

The pen is mightier than the sword, and the dollar is mightier than the slur (CelebritySmack)

Engagiarmus! (CelebVIPLounge)

Bad Barbie is alarmy (CityRag)

PlayPenn Pals (DailyStab)

Celebrities, they text just like us! (EarSucker)

and Pauly D weeps into his mirror (FitFabCeleb)

She probably just wanted to work on her Ode To Tapdancing (HaveUHeard)

RyRey is CGI’d, big-thighed (HollywoodHiccups)

Least romantic love scene description EVER (INeedMyFix)

Literary light crashes and burns (MathewGuiver)

Macho Man Can! (Swoonworthy)

and then she smashed the cameraman with those roses? (TheSkinny)

Call it a deconstructive approach to the human face (TheSkinnyChic)

I’ll let you in on a little secret: I wear socks almost every day. It’s not like I’m addicted…I can quit whenever I want, really. But they do add a little something to an outfit, at the same time as they take away the outfit’s ability to blister my feet, and so I am really quite fond of them. As far as I am able, I adhere to the principle of Sock Monogamy, although with the Navy Blues and Blacks, who can tell, really, if you want your feet to be Swingers For A Day?

In any case, it is Wednesday, I am hungover, and here are two adorable chirruns arguing in babytalk about whether to wear one sock or two. Happy hump day.

via MisterHippity

Eva Longoria gets 4 from the French Judge

Convinced she could stick the landing, Eva Longoria instead did a faceplant instead of a triple at GMA. Her fans claim the contest was fixed, but it’s a cinch that anyone with that kind of figure was skating on thin ice with this look.

Speaking of ice, let’s drop some into a tumbler and enjoy a Triple Lutz cocktail while perusing some links that probably should be put on ice before they swell.

Stupid Girl is sick in the head (raincoaster)

This has medicinal value (ManoloFood)

That’s a very strange growth (Ayyyy)

Beaker needs a tiger blood infusion (Lolebrity)

Canadian cancer faker free? (Gawker)

Giselle gets an unsatisfactory scan (AgentBedhead)

Bringing the Bird back from Beyond (BusyBeeBlogger)

RescussiAnnie has some competition from Charlie Sheen (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Baby On Board! (CelebritySmack)

She’s not wearing her blue gown, doctor! (CelebVIPLounge)

Which is why they call the front row Gynecology Row (DailyStab)

If she thinks she’s A-list, she needs her head examined (EarSucker)

Who needs a mammogram when you have THIS shirt? (FitFabCeleb)

I don’t care what he says, he still looks like a junkie (GirlsTalkinSmack)

100 days of sobriety? (HaveUHeard)

RIP (HollywoodHiccups)

The uterus that ATE a Promising Career! (INeedMyFix)

Rihanna’s PET scan results are internet-ready (MathewGuiver)

Britney’s body rumours put to rest? (PoorBritney)

Ferraris are like hemorrhoids (PopBytes)

Let’s give Paul Rudd his birthday wish to cure cancer (Swoonworthy)

She’s only five pounds away from being Mister Bones hanging in the corner of the lab (TheSkinny)

Making it easy for the nurse practitioner’s examination (TheSkinnyChic)

alexa chung is in no sense turned out

She must be studying yoga intensely;, it’s really rare to see anyone as completely “centered” as fashion diva Alexa Chung.

On that note, let’s toast todays perfectly centered gossip links with a perfectly symmetrical Cross-Eyed Skull Cocktail.

Animal Hats of the Rich and Famous (raincoaster)

Oh! Livia! (Ayyyy)

The Things I Do for You People! (ManoloFood)

Darth Vader, social media master of disaster (Lolebrity)

Is this part of an LRon approved diet? (AgentBedhead)

One less candidate for Celebrity Rehab (BusyBeeBlogger)

Playgirl, RPattz, and you already clicked this didn’t you? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

No, Kat, “WeHo” isn’t a descriptor. (CelebritySmack)

Ben Affleck might have a career after all (CelebrityVIPLounge)

Some traumas you never overcome (CityRag)

Kelly Clarkson assumes holding pattern (DailyStab)

Playgirl wants to bag a Silver Fox (EarSucker)

Grizzlies don’t whine! (FitFabCeleb)

Does pigeontoe cause crosseye, Alexa? (GirlsTalkinSmack)

JUSTIN! NOT IN PUBLIC!!! (HaveUHeard)

Rihanna untapped! (HollywoodHiccups)

Stern ‘n Sexy in Rolling Stone (INeedMyFix)

The “ugly bridesmaid dress” effect, with cheerleaders! (MathewGuiver)

Blogger busts Brit-Brit cherry (PoorBritney)

The family that rehabs together… (PopBytes)

Ellen Pompeo’s bizarre nipple situation (TheSkinny)

Wrap it or suck it, Ryan (TheSkinnyChic)

Diddy? Oh yes he DID!

Are you WINNING? Diddy sure is, and PWNING too. BOOM!

RIP OD (CelebritySmack)

REM RT (CelebrityVIPLounge)

WINNING! photoshops (CityRag)

SO FAR, Demi. So far… (DailyStab)

Adele is pro-gossip (DippedInCream)

Everybody but me has a book deal and a sex tape (EarSucker)

Three planets that size make a solar plexus system (FitFabCeleb)

Remember Lily Allen? (GirlsTalkinSmack)

One gets Africa, one gets New York? (HaveUHeard)

Aw man, don’t bling that thing! (HollywoodHiccups)

They have country music in Belgium? (INeedMyFix)

Roseanne Barr and Charlie Sheen? (MathewGuiver)

KFed/FedX Xpands (PoorBritney)

“Country Music’s newest star” (PopBytes)

TURBAN SIGHTING!!! (TheSkinny)

Bikini baby bump (TheSkinnyChic)

Wee Wang

This, my friends, is the best-dressed attendee at New York Fashion Week: it’s Alexander Wang’s niece. The only quibble I have with the outfit, which is, I believe the fashionistas refer to it as “adorbz” yes, that’s the technical term, is, like the Queen, what the heck can she be keeping in that very expensive Chanel bag? Lipstick? Credit cards? Car keys? Plastic dinosaurs?