Ayyyy!

Ooooh SNAP. Those high-falutin’ docs in Switzerland with their fancy “degrees” and “beards” and “sterile operating equipment” are gonna be SO ticked off.
Lorielle New –beloved “celebrity” who has been applauded word-wide for her groundbreaking work in roles in cinematic masterworks like “Dirtyglitter 1: Damien” where she positively defined the role of Svetlana, and her fantastic turn as Bikini Assassin in the insta-classic “Armageddon Boulevard” has finally secured stardom by being the first genetically human being to be actually transformed into a Carassius auratus, a.k.a a common goldfish. No word on Ms New’s future plans, nor have we been able to confirm rumors that Jocelyn Wildenstein has offered one million dollars to anyone who could bring her Ms New’s liver in a tin of Fancy Feast.

Gwyneth Paltrow wears what the Manolo tells her to (JustJared)

Renee Zellweger, charter member, Starfuckers Incorporated (DailyStab)

Elisabeth Hasselbeck and My Little Pony: which one of these is slumming? (CandyKirby)

Shia LaBoeuf may or may not have gotten lucky(? if you call it that) (WendyWayrad)

John Cusack refers Paul Leydon to the hand (JeanJacketsBad)

Bloody Hell! Pete Doherty is insane (SeriouslyOMGWTF)

JLo goes all, like, Alpha Mommy on Nicole Richie (IBBB)

Adrien Brody is marrying retired Aunt Selma from Miami Beach? (ImNotObsessed)

Flat busted: Amy Winehouse arrested (People)

Ellen DeGeneris gently gyno-probes Ashlee Simpson (CelebritySmack)

Harrison Ford’s Brazilliant deforestation PSA/man-on-man chest waxing video (Defamer)

Celebrity cosmetic surgery slideshow (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

Betty and Veronica: still best frenemies (CounterfeitChic)

Madonna is a natural beauty on “Today.” And what planet? (DListed)

Mariah Carey to turn Empire State Building gay (HollywoodRag)

Heidi Fleiss on her high horse again (WOWReport)

The happy(?) couple: Carmen Electra and Rock Himbo #3 pose for engagement pix (Websters)

Encounters with Seth Green (Mollygood)

Jonas Brothers kill and bury Elvis Costello, Johnny Cash’s musical cred (MTVBuzzworthy)

Clay Aiken thinks people from Omaha are stupid (EvilBeet)

Rachel Zoe is one cougar who never changes her spots (GoFugYourself)

Scientology teaches Katie Holmes to speak in tongues (CeleBitchy)

Scientology’s niece speaks! (AgentBedhead)

Whoa, get a load of Jodie Marsh’s…tan lines! They’re so incredibly…pronounced! 

Just as one British glamour model has decided to retire her trusty pair of silicone melons, so another must rise to the occasion and take up the mantle of those hallowed 32GGs. Only then will the delicate balance of the universe be restored.

Robert Downey Jr is a cunning linguist (Jossip)

Amy Winehouse doesn’t have a leg to stand on, almost (WendyWayrad)

NKOTB are miracle workers! (AgentBedhead)

Lindsay Lohan parties with fellow leggings abuser (DailyStab)

Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest’s Tryst night (DListed)

Ellen Page (1 nomination, 0 Oscars) severely disses Jane Fonda (6 nominations, 2 Oscars) (Defamer)

Courtney Love’s purse pharmacy (Yeeeeah)

Jeri Ryan Seacrest, Pamela Anderson Cooper, and Boy George Bush (PrettyOnTheOutside)

Disney Superstar goes naked Down Under (CircusHour)

74 reasons to hate TMZ (Gawker)

More than you needed to know about Roseanne Barr’s ladyparts (CelebritySmack)

Doogie Howser hates Britney Spears (WebstersIsMyBitch)

Jamie-Lynn Spears hurt in drunken brawl (CeleBitchy)

Gangland rumbles reach new low: nursery school (Bossip)

Aging Canadian surgical curiosity and sex cougar invited to White House (ICYDK)

Simon Cowell haunts Maternity wards to bathe his skin in life-giving placenta (HollywoodRag)

Halle Berry is a golf fanatic? (CelebrityBabyScoop)

Your dose of downer: Celebrity incomes (HuffPo)

Posh Spice and the Adams family (JustJared)

Drew Barrymore heckles for charity (WendyWayrad)

Naomi Campbell’s body fluids are felonious (CelebWarship)

Woody Harrelson is built, bald, and bare (Defamer)

Luciano Pavarotti pulled an Ashlee Simpson (Gawker)

What are the Presidential candidates like in bed? (TheStranger)

William and Harry react to the verdict in the Princess Diana inquest (PerezHilton)

Botox: it’s all about a jarring lack of self-awareness (CircusHour)

Demi Moore’s bloodsucking leeches (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

Victoria Beckham attempting takeover of “Baby Spice” role (Mollygood)

Britney’s partner in fashion crime to be Christian Audigier (Styleguide)

The Britney-FedEx breakup starts a trend (ImNotObsessed)

Kate Moss weighs 98 pounds soaking wet: the proof! (ICYDK)

Like shooting fish in a barrel: Rob Lowe blackmailed! (HuffPo)

Kylie Minogue speaks out about breast cancer (CeleBitchy)

Whitney Houston’s boobs and Dionne Warwick’s face at Muhammad Ali’s Fight Night (Bossip)

Tom Ford is Gay James Bond (DListed)

Britney hitches her star to the comeback tour bus (CelebSlam)

Sharon Stone’s basic instinct is to keep her knees together, thankfully (SeriouslyOMGWTF)

Hayden Panettiere terrifies a small child (WWTDD)

Jessica Alba wore black to her baby shower (DailyStab)

Ashlee Simpson vs Mariah Carey (Yeeeeah)

Vlad loves Georgie (KnowledgeIsPower)

Tony loves Georgie (raincoaster)

Stop Uwe Boll, save the world! (AgentBedhead)

V for Valtrex attends wedding (CelebritySmack)

The Cruise family triplets (Defamer)

Jennifer Aniston’s Plan C (HollywoodOffender)

Angelina Jolie’s gestational diabetes (CelebrityDirt)

Paris Hilton wins contest she was born to conquer (GabbyBabble)

Drunkblogging The Hills (ImBringingBloggingBack)

Stuff Young Jewish Adults Like (StuffYoungJewishAdultsLike)

Hillary’s hidden heroism! (Gawker.com)

raincoaster, revealed (TheGrassyKnollInstitute)

“There’s no-one bigger than Johnny.” (AgentBedhead)

The ageless and well-lubricated beauty of Priscilla Presley (CircusHour)

Flying penguins discovered (BBC)

Kate Hudson baits her Owen Wilson trap with babies, apartments (CelebrityBabyScoop)

Lara Flynn Boyle’s face: a medical opinion (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

Jessica Alba is practicing parenting on loaner charity children (Bastardly)

Keith Richards admits to drug use. No, not an April Fool’s story! (TheRadReport)

At least somebody still wants Britney Spears (DailyStab)

Cindy Crawford is immortal (CelebritySmack)

Left: NY Fashion Week, February 2008
Right: “Trembled Blossoms” screening, March 2008

What a subtle difference a month makes! Everything - hair, shirt, pearls, jacket, undereye circles - looks to be the same, except that the mouth has been significantly downsized to a mere sliver of its former self.  It’s almost as if its contents got tired of Brittany’s inability to change her clothes and absconded to take refuge with the hopefully more diversifyingly attired Lara Flynn Boyle.

What hath JLo spawned? (Gawker)

Angelina’s big baby figure (Defamer)

Bats are full of protein and great for your hair (TressedOutCelebs)

America’s Next Top Recap (I’mBringingBloggingBack)

Celebrity syntho-schnozzes (Cityrag)

The sliding scale of celebrity integrity (AgentBedhead)

Spitzer’s other hooker (Celebitchy)

One more reason to love Johnny Depp (ImNotObsessed)

Is this Hillary Clinton’s greatest speech ev-ar? (Dlisted)

At LAST! A picture of Nicole Kidman looking bottom-heavy (CelebrityBabyScoop)

Beyonce’s little sister launches a hip-hop toy company (BlackCelebrityKids)

But…but…Madonna is not biodegradable! (JustJared)

What Amy Winehouse will look like in a month (CelebrityDirt)

Stick Insect vs the Prince of Darkness (CelebritySmack)

Introducing the Paris Hilton Clodhopper Pony (CircusHour)

Jack Nicholson’s topless photos (WebstersIsMyBitch)

Scariest celebrity faces: a surgeon’s opinion (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

Bar raised (Defamer)

Hammer dropped (AgentBedhead)

Lohan smashed (CrazyDaysAndNights)

Rick, rolled (Guardian)

Rowling potty? (Celebitchy)

Hunky Jesus (Mike Responts)

Presley poisoned! (GabbyBabble)

Hunk drunk (ASocialitesLife)

Carey doubt? (Bossip)

Amy Outhouse (Yeeeeah)

Nice…Spaniards (ImNotObsessed)

Manilow? NO! (SeriouslyOMGWTF)

Owen’s pickup (Popsugar)

Malthusian Catastrophe (Websters)

Mutual bonding (IDLYITW)

Alba time (DailyStab)

Go-Go’s gone (CelebritySmack)

Cognitive dissonance (CircusHour)

Infomercials: WTF? (LiquidGeneration)

I lost a bet! (TheBlemish)

Seal (angrily) seeks bukkit (GabbyBabble)

Who wore it best: Nicky Hilton or your grandma’s parlour? (CircusHour)

Oprah’s image in a million little pieces (Defamer)

Boondock Saints resurrected (AgentBedhead)

Survivor Micronesia recap–Help fight Ostenoperosis (RealityTVTalk)

South Park stops blaming Canada, starts blaming Britney instead (CelebritySmack)

Meet Kirstin Davis in person (GoneHollywood)

Liev Schreiber half nekkid! (JustJared)

Johnny Depp, shorn! (SeriouslyOMGWTF)

Demon Barber of Wilshire Blvd also attacks David Beckham (ASocialiteLife)

Scariest Celebrity Faces (Cityrag)

America’s Next Top Bitchfight (I’mBringingBloggingBack)

Winona Ryder can’t even afford to shoplift from Rodeo Drive anymore! (Celebitchy)

Shia LaBoeuf pleads not guilty to charge of being smokin’ hot (Popsugar)

Hannah Montana is killing babies! (Ecorazzi)

Kate Moss dances on Jim Morrison’s grave (HollywoodRag)

Charlize Theron’s zygotes are ready for action (ImNotObsessed)

The Mariah Carey Purity Quiz (PollsBoutique)

Suicide chez Mel Gibson (DailyStab)

Orlando Bloom is extreme (Fitceleb)

George Clooney’s manhood-enhancing cosmetic surgery (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

Japan goes insane for baseball-playing koala (WithMalice)

Martha Stewarts booze all-stars (Defamer)

Anderson Cooper recovering from cancer surgery (Gawker)

Scandal in the Heath Ledger estate (DailyStab)

Twenty-five most whipped men in the world (Style.com)

The exploitation of Daniel Radcliffe’s bum! Daniel Radcliffe’s Bum! (AgentBedhead)

You can never un-see this, so click at own risk (DListed)

Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend gave her a ring. And not on the phone (Celebitchy)

Madonna still wearing hers, surprisingly (ImNotObsessed)

Cha-cha not the only thing going down on Dancing with the Stars (CelebritySmack)

When bad makeup happens to good C-Listers (DerekHail)

Colin Farrell celebrates his third Sober St Pat’s (ICYDK)

Jen/Owen/Kate/fake triangle fake drama (popbytes)

Shia LaBeouf is on the lam! (CelebNewsWire)

Things white people like: Dinner Parties! (ThingsWhitePeopleLike)

Jenna Jameson to star in Zombie Strippers? Documentary, perhaps? (CircusHour)

The pulling power of celebrity: someone still wants Carrot Top (Craigslist)

Amy Winehouse really could use that infamous red bra right about now (NSFW!!!) (POTP)

Is this the most disappointingly misleading headline ever? (Cityrag)

Halle Berry covers her baby’s bases. Planning a move to Gaza? (CelebrityBabyScoop)

Steve Jobs = Cthulhu (Raincoaster)

George Clooney, straight up (AgentBedhead)

Mary Ann FTW! (Celebritysmack)

Owen Wilson discovers he’s not Jesus (Defamer)

Discovers he may be dating Jennifer Aniston (Star)

Maybe Ginger Spice is Jesus? (Dlisted)

How to annoy Mariah Carey (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

Jodie Foster just can’t catch a break (Celebitchy)

Madonna is afraid of you (ImNotObsessed)

Lindsay Lohan is a do-it-yourselfer (SeriouslyOMGWTF)

Betty White kicks ass (Cityrag)

Iggy Pop will not be stopped (Mollygood)

Eddie Van Halen is back in rehab (PerezHilton)

Bigfoot invades LA (CircusHour)

Jodie Foster and her sons (CelebrityBabyScoop)

Britney Spears hates her life (PopOnThePop)

Julianne Moore spits on Spitzer (JustJared)

Cindy Crawford’s child is beautiful beyond the lot of mortals (Celebslam)

Your latest “Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to marry” rumour (HollywoodRag)