Go on, pull the other one

Sixtysomething survivor Phoebe Price waits patiently for the Jolly Green Giant to come and take her away to that big Soundstage in the Sky. When he does get there, she wants to be totally ready for her closeup and to that end, has been consulting with her surgeon.

Hollywood sez: Go Big or Go Home!

The one on the right would look totally natural, Phoebs

He put a ring on the Duchess of Alba. She paid for it, but he put it there.

Congratulations to Manolosphere favorite the Duchess of Alba and her boytoy, Whatsisname. It was a lovely ceremony by all accounts, and a lovely dress (with requisite detailing on the back, because of course the guests are staring at the back of the dress for most of the ceremony).

Baby got back! Well, the Duchess of Alba got it.

Also lovely: the undoubtably soon-to-be-made romcom, starring Vincent Cassel and Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Adrien Brody's prayers were answered when he made Hump Day Hunk

There’s just something about this skeevy bastard that I like. Maybe it’s that he’s a winning rally driver. Maybe it’s that he looks so intellectual, and dresses so Pool Shark. Maybe it’s that hell, it’s been a long time and … but there, I’ve said too much. And besides, I can’t run Prince Harry every week, can I?

Let’s toast to Adrien’s dream come true with a spirited round of Pool Shark, the Drinking Game and some gossip links.

Wine A-Z; the ultimate Go Cup! A jogging bra/wine skin combo? Why the hell not, my camelbak imbues my Sauv Blanc with aromas of Gatorade as it is. (Manolofood)

Van Gogh and Orcas Unicorn Chaser. Make your hump day a little smoother with soothing pictures of swirling stars and wild whales in Downtown Vangroover. Yes, orcas belong in a gossip roundup. I’m Canadian, dammit.  (raincoaster)

Top That! Princess Beatrice’s amazing Hat of Hideousness (+10) is for sale on eBay to benefit children, if not onlookers (Ayyyy)

George Clooney chickens out. The television remake of Men Who Stare At Goats was disappointingly downscaled. (Lolebrity)

Life, Death, Violence, Barbie, and extremely mixed messages. I’m not exactly sure where the war crimes tribunal comes into it, but apparently it does, somewhere. Also: Ken is a draft dodger? (Crasstalk)

Dear God, Johnny Depp is a kinky beast. Taking a page from Chuck Berry, he made Penelope Cruz dress up as a … no, I can’t even say it. Seriously, nobody would put Salma Hayek through that. (AgentBedhead)

Is House getting evicted? Hugh Laurie has a great big, leaky mouth. There, take THAT image into your Bertie/Jeeves slash-thinking mind. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Yet another Jagger kid poses nekkid. Surely I thought we’d run out of these potato-faced wonders by now, but apparently not. Is “Club Kid” really a career choice? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

This is perhaps the most terrifying headline of all time, until you smack yourself in the head and say “IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU PERVERT” and move on. But still. (CelebritySmack)

Oh, Will Smith. It’s not the size: it’s how you use it! And using it to annoy an entire neighborhood is just Letting the Thetans Win. (CelebVIPLounge)

Bristol Palin, now surgically enhanced! But not improved: it wasn’t brain surgery, after all. (DailyStab)

Taylor Swift will out a bitch! This girl doesn’t exist off the record, and if you’re dating her, neither do you (EarSucker)

Lady Gaga is Asian? Golly, she MUST have had some serious work done; she doesn’t look it. (FitFabCeleb)

Owen Freaking Wilson and yeah, like, a bunch of other celebs in Cannes, but who gives a rat’s ass about them? Eh? OWEN WILSON! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Jennifer Aniston’s steamy banana handling. Look ma, no hands! No desperation, either…that is so NOT the sound of faint weeping I hear. Nosiree Bob. (HaveUHeard)

L’innocent sentenced to live in mansion next door to coke connection. Poor thing. That’ll teach HER! (HollywoodHiccups)

Who’s the $100 million man? The one going around spreading herpes? Yeah, “That one who dated Paris Hilton” doesn’t really narrow it down any. (INeedMyFix)

Joan Rivers better watch her back: Kermit the Frog is after her job. The Red Carpet just got a little greener and a LOT cuter (PopBytes)

Adorable Prince Harry and adorable puppy being adorable. Adorbz! What are you still doing here? CLICKY CLICK CLICK! (Swoonworthy)

Caption the Gouvernator and his ex. I’m thinking something Harry Potter related. She reminds me of Emma Thompson’s character, the Divinology professor. (RightCelebrity)

Why do they call it Ladies Day?

Seriously, why don’t they just rename it “Tramps and Drag Queens Day” instead of Ladies’ Day? I need a Drag Queen Cocktail and some distracting gossip links.

Ellen Page is poetry in motion (raincoaster)

Cornify makes any website into poetry (raincoastermedia)

Jack Kerouac IS poetry (Lolebrity)

This is a very poetic lingo, whatever the hell it is (Ayyyy)

Gwyneth is greased! Hounds, release! (AgentBedhead)

ZOMG I think we know what sent Morrissey into his rage (BusyBeeBlogger)

Their bodies are wonderlands (CelebDirtyLaundry)

The pen is mightier than the sword, and the dollar is mightier than the slur (CelebritySmack)

Engagiarmus! (CelebVIPLounge)

Bad Barbie is alarmy (CityRag)

PlayPenn Pals (DailyStab)

Celebrities, they text just like us! (EarSucker)

and Pauly D weeps into his mirror (FitFabCeleb)

She probably just wanted to work on her Ode To Tapdancing (HaveUHeard)

RyRey is CGI’d, big-thighed (HollywoodHiccups)

Least romantic love scene description EVER (INeedMyFix)

Literary light crashes and burns (MathewGuiver)

Macho Man Can! (Swoonworthy)

and then she smashed the cameraman with those roses? (TheSkinny)

Call it a deconstructive approach to the human face (TheSkinnyChic)

Tara “I’m a drug addict, not a pedophile” Palmer-Tomkinson.

Co-starring with Mickey Rourke in The Boxer?

Cocaine is a helluva drug, people, and with an $800 dollar a day habit it doesn’t matter how many nose jobs you throw at it; you’re essentially throwing good money after bad cartilage. Tara, the woman once rumoured to have taken Prince William’s virginity, is invited to the wedding, but wants to get her nose done first. At this point, however, it becomes a Michael Jackson situation: there needs to be something there to work on in the first place.

Let’s toast Tara’s heart’s desire with your choice of a Mad Fairy cocktail or a Donkey’s Nob (made with Coke, of course).

And some gossip links:

Rebecca Black is SO JEALOUS of this woman (raincoaster)

Hugh Jass has nothing on this guy (Lolebrity)

Karl Lagerfeld, now *I* want to kill you (Ayyyy)

Vodka: is there anything it can’t do? (Manolofood)

The Anti-Gwyneth makes a mean Monte Cristo (AgentBedhead)

I’d cut off her head for that hat (BusyBeeBlogger)

There was an Octomom who lived in a shoe(box)... (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Did anyone see Perez Hilton or Michael Lohan at the scene of the crime? (CelebritySmack)

Princess Margaret is dead, so who will be the bad fairy? (CelebVIPLounge)

Kim Kardashian, Turkey, these things write themselves (DailyStab)

Courtney Cox is no Friend! (EarSucker)

Rebecca Blacklash! (FitFabCeleb)

PETA will get her! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Who harshes on Robin Sweetest Man In Showbiz Williams and lives???? (HaveUHeard)

Planet Earth takes Lady Gaga DOWN! (HollywoodHiccups)

Tinkerbell’s new rival (INeedMyFix)

Fix! Fix! The fix is in at People! (MathewGuiver)

Old Britney vs New Britney (PoorBritney)

Lois Aldrin rocks the bedazzled Canadian Tuxedo

Yay! Look everybody: it’s Ayyyy favorite Lois Aldrin, with her trophy husband, Buzz. It’s always nice to see a familiar face, even if the eyes are getting farther and farther apart.

Toast Lois and her boytoy with a few Leather and Lace shooters. Lois would do a tray of these entirely hands-free, you know she would.

I’d be the filling in a Steve Jobs/Jeff Goldblum sandwich (Lolebrity)

The Lord of the Kingdom of the Undead does not approve of this floozy (Ayyyy)

Roundup of news from Japan (raincoaster)

Matthew McConaughey is turning into a greyhound before our eyes (AgentBedhead)

Joan Jett is better than RedBull (BusyBeeBlogger)

Olivia Wilde thinks she can upgrade from an Italian prince (CelebDirtyLaundry)

She looks like Crispin Glover in an Edith Prickley costume (CelebritySmack)

Lindsay Lohan will stop at nothing (CelebrityVIPLounge)

Charlie Sheen, Celebrity Chef? (DailyStab)

Disney is REALLY scraping the bottom of the barrel (EarSucker)

They may be immortal, but they’re still not taking any chances (FitFabCeleb)

Scary clownceleb faces (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Celebrities care! Or at least fake it plausibly! (HaveUHeard)

The latest in celebrity injustices (HollywoodHiccups)

Tony Dunzo (INeedMyFix)

Justin Timberlake has a new plus one (MathewGuiver)

Martha Stewart is a surrogramma (TheSkinny)

Congrats to the cute couple

Awww, isn’t that cute? The Duchess of Alba and her boytoy Alfonso Díez are making it legal. Living proof, if any were needed, that an aggressive nose job that results in you breathing out of two large pores in the middle of your face is never a wasted expense, if it allows one to attract men known to society paper readers everywhere as “and Unnamed Friend”.

In honour of the lovely couple, let’s toast them with a classic Champagne cocktail fortified with a little Spanish brandy, and read some sexy gossip links:

inside raincoaster (raincoaster)

Ryan Reynolds has a sexy fra…what was I saying? (Ayyyy)

Kate Spade’s sexy movie (ManoloFood)

Fred and George Weasley KNOW they’ve got it (Lolebrity)

Sir Elton has some words for our generation’s biggest a$$ (AgentBedhead)

Chris Isaak’s steamy new video (BusyBeeBlogger)

Tila Tequila’s sex tape means we’ll never be rid of her (CelebDirtyLaundry)

WHAT is Gaga doing to herself in bed? (CelebritySmack)

ScarJo doesn’t let cobwebs grow on her ladybits (CelebVIPLounge)

VD Stars! (CityRag)

OMG Tila Tequila and Jennifer Aniston appear in sketchy video together (DailyStab)

Michelle Trachtenberg loves her body and tells you ALL about it (FitFabCeleb)

They get wet (GirlsTalkinSmack)

J Hud talks about her new body (HaveUHeard)

Anderson Cooper is NOT into beatings! (INeedMyFix)

Britney’s got yogabutt! (PoorBritney)

What’s Lady Gaga’s sex name? (PopBytes)

Forget the body: what has Nicole Richie done to her face? (TheSkinny)

Chuck Berry on line one… (SeriouslyOMG)

Ayyyy! With the next face lift, Cher will be able to to see what is behind her!

And now, below the jump, if you are not squeamish, you may see the full picture about which everyone is talking, in which Cher bares her nipples for the not exactly delighted British press.

You may now file this under “Things That Cannot Be Unseen.”

Real Housewife (there are ersatz housewives? who knew?) of New York Kelly Bensimon’s poorly chosen bikini displays the disfiguring scar she received in her recent, botched dorsal fin-plasty.

Sacha Baron Cohen, Jennifer Aniston and John Cusack enjoy a quiet Saturday night together, crank-calling Angelina Jolie. What do you think fueled this phone frenzy? I’d guess a few Wild Turkeys (like Jen’s last five movies).

Paul Newman has enemies (raincoaster)
Hogwarts uniforms get a fashionista makeover (Ayyyy)
Gaga is a MONSTER! (Lolebrity)
Liam Neeson elbows drunk anti-semite aside for part (CelebrityBeehive)
See Taylor. See Taylor’s Momsens (AgentBedhead)
If I were marrying that man, I’d hide my face too (BusyBeeBlogger)
Jon’s Hamm is free range (CeleBitchy)
Marion Cotillard should have bought a matched set (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)
Rod Stewart is a new parent (sorta) (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Celebrity pumpkinheads (CelebritySmack)
Dear Raccoon McPantsless (CojoStyle)
Canada’s most perennial export shows her assets. Again. (DailyStab)
Kim Kardashian doesn’t eat anyway (earsucker)
Your cokepants are safe! (EvilBeet)
Is there anyone this famewhore won’t date? (GabbyBabble)
Lady Gaga wearing half a My Little Pony (HaveUHeard)
This woman has the world’s most powerful cellphone (INeedMyFix)
This is the World’s Greatest Chick Flick (PerezHilton)
Britneyland is another country (PoorBritney)
Paris Hilton is dating up (PopBytes)