Ayyyy!

Shia LaBruised recovers from cougar attack (Defamer)

Golden Girl, you are not so Golden (BusyBee)

The first rule of Aloe Vera Club is… (AgentBedhead)

The Hoff is an EMPEROR! (CeleBitchy)

Kelly Osbourne has a black eye (CelebritySmack)

Your Daily Kiefer (DailyStab)(Sigh)

Tequila: Lost, but not forgotten (Defamer)

How can we be lovers if we can’t be Nicolette Sheridan Friends (DListed)

Britney spends time with her tots (GabbyBabble)

Top 10 Beauties (CandyKirby)

Ben Affleck is outward bound (PopSugar)

The political also-ran catfight. What the hell: there isn’t anything else on. (CNN)

Ben Affleck has a despret! (Lolebrity)

Celebrity Dad Faceoff: Ewan McGregor vs Justin Chambers (TeenyManolo)

Kelly Rowland drops nearly a half-mil on booze (POTP)

Ben Affleck must have dumped Jimmy Kimmel (CeleBitchy)

Reasons Jack Burton can save your pathetic life (Pajiba)

I’m sorry, but this time Michael Jackson has gone too far (SeriouslyOMG)

No, really. Michael Jackson has gone too far (DListed)

The Jonas Brothers phenomenon, decoded (Defamer)

When it comes to Gael Garcia Bernal, life is SO NOT FAIR! (Websters)

Angelina Jolie pals around with porn stars (CelebSlam)

Selma Blair is Sad Stripper Barbie! (TheBlemish)

John Mayer is a mutant spy (Gawker)

Iron Man vs The Dark Knight (Derober)

Tori Spelling imitates black hole, collapses inward on self (ASL)

Disney arrests 32 Tinks, Cinderellas, and Snow Whites (Radar)

Amy Winehouse does charity work… for a pub (UKPopsugar)

Donald Trump buys Ed McMahon for 50 cents on the dollar (Mollygood)

Zac Efron, Speed Racer (JustJared)

Harry Potter and the Leaked Stills (ImNotObsessed)

Dear Fergie (IBBB)

Tyra rocks the Sarah Jessica Parker look (FourFour)

Ellen and Portia to marry (CandyKirby)

The Good Guys: Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell, and Jude Law (DailyStab)

Rock of Love? Ship of Fools more likely (CelebritySmack)

Madonna is ageless! (AgentBedhead)

Dere’s nuttin lyke a Dame Helen Mirren in a bikini (Lolebrity)

Her Majesty’s only suitable consort: James Bond (Websters)

Aubrey O’Day: when drag queens go bad (JustJared)

Jordan: when drag queens get it right (GoFugYourself)

Justin Timberlake gets a makeover (Defamer)

In unrelated news, Amy Winehouse has gained weight (Towleroad)

Finally, Ben Affleck understands what all those high school health classes were about (ImNotObsessed)

The private hell of the professional autographer (Radar)

Kate Hudson goes the distance to whack some balls (PopSugar)

Emmy nominations; Katherine Heigl surprisingly absent (SeriouslyOMG)

The Goot is a lover AND a fighter (Mollygood)

Breast Dressed: the Estrogen Gladiator (CandyKirby)

The Peroxide Twins do lunch (IBBB)

HBO tells Seth Rogen that Canadians don’t deserve entourages (HollywoodBackwash)

Pete Doherty is wanted? (GabbyBabble)

Claire Danes is the Skeleton in Red (EvilBeet)

Katie Holmes commits the ultimate fashion crime (DListed)

Heidi Klum’s body not perfect enough for insurance company (DailyStab)

Amy Winehouse spotted in a bathroom stall (CelebritySmack)

Chav Pride! (AgentBedhead)

Dress your children in Avril Lavigne (CeleBitchy)

Matt Damon ar Canoodlian? (Lolebrity)

Brit Naomi Campbell represents Africa (AgentBedhead)

Mary-Kate Olsen brings, wears, the kimono and kiltie-based Wackness (CelebritySmack)

Brangelina donates $1million to help children of war (Websters)

Amy Winehouse downsizes the party (DListed)

Sigourney in space? (DailyStab)

Ben Affleck talks about the Congo (ImNotObsessed)

Barack Obama loses the bimbo vote! (CandyKirby)

Cruise Beckham (CelebDirtyLaundry)

GyllenSpooning (JustJared)

Five dumbest reality show gimmicks (Mollygood)

Gayest movie robots (Radar)

Prince Harry, rump roast inspector (UKPopsugar)

Mario Lopez ChestHairGate! (Defamer)

Tim McGraw boots an attacker (CeleBitchy)

I didn’t know Ashanti was in Ice Capades (GoFugYourself)

Oprah’s is the biggest I’ve ever seen! (CrunkAndDisorderly)

Kanye’s mother’s Doctor Death no longer Doctor, DUI’d for good measure (PerezHilton)

Well, what do you know? You CAN be too thin! (ParkAvenuePeerage)

Buy-buy, Guy and Alliteration Challenge! (CelebritySmack)

Vader parader (Lolebrity)

David Hasselhoff is the King of the Internets! (AgentBedhead)

Colin Farrell could use some mash with that banger (Derober)

Corey HaimFeldman not feltup by MJ (CeleBitchy)

Boris Becker breeds with Barbara (CelebrityBabyScoop)

Locklear locked up (SeriouslyOMG)

Phoebie Price’s puckered posterior (DListed)

Ben has Boston on the brain, Hawaii in his heart (PopSugar)

World’s worst winner (Mollygood)

Efron fragrant sez friend (ImNotObsessed)

Nixon nixes bigger boobs (POTP)

Brendan balding (Websters)

Alicia Silverstone’s fart-free fidos (AllieIsWired)

Sienna Miller forced to sport falsies (GabbyBabble)

Snoop Dogg goes after country (DailyStab)

Jack Bauer for twenty-two hours (Defamer)

Four more 4/4’s! (FourFour)

What, Watts? (CandyKirby)

Heidi, ho (IBBB)

Bundchen brings back Brazil (JustJared)

All of us hail from the same continent, except for one who is a clear descendant from the natives of Easter Island.  Can you figure out who it is, dear readers?

Elmo’s in the closet (AgentBedhead)

The debauched escapades of the tweaking, giggling, starfarking homunculus Elmo (TeenyManolo)

Miley Cyrus’s furst kizz. an sekund. an therd… (Lolebrity)

Giselle Bundchen wants to be just like Mom (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

New Harry Potter book coming out (DailyStab)

Clay Aiken and partner Jaymes are expecting (CelebritySmack)

Casa Brangelina is ruled by children (ImNotObsessed)

Charlize Theron wants to be a Mom (IBBB)

Jennifer Hudson’s public service announcement (CandyKirby)

Celebtags: there are no wrong answers (Celebtags)

More about Bill Murray’s divorce than you ever wanted to know (Defamer)

Kirk Douglas and his wife dedicate their 400th donated playground, break it in (CeleBitchy)

Naomi Campbell vs Officer Friendly (US)

Victoria Beckham donates dresses to children’s charity (JustJared)

New Kids are back on the Block! (SeriouslyOMG)

Mazel Tov, Indy! (Mollygood)

Heidi Klum enjoys happy finish to Happy Meal (TheBlemish)

Where’s Mischa? (EvilBeet)

Supernanny volunteers to help Britney (CelebrityBabyScoop)

Presenting: Matt Damon as Ned Flanders (PopSugar)

Ben and Casey Affleck introduce their Baby to Britain (UKPopSugar)

Batman drinks milk. And the blood of his enemies (Webster’s)

Pete Wentz commissions Lego artwork (WWTDD)

Angelina’s family goes Goth for Mother’s Day (BlackCelebrityKids)

Jack White, rock god, superhero (AgentBedhead)

Suri Cruise and Brooklyn Beckham sitting in a tree… (Defamer)

Hip Hop outings: not exactly a trip to Radio City Music Hall (Gawker)

Ben- does not blame -nifer any longer (SeriouslyOMG)

Anna Wintour in couture Cthulhu (POTO)

Madonna is a diva? PERISH THE THOUGHT! (DailyStab)

Busted! Slutty prom dress brings arrest from the (fashion) police (CelebritySmack)

Happy Mother’s Day to two of Hollywood’s finest (CandyKirby)

Hayden Panettiere happy to play for the other team (ImNotObsessed)

Wino of the Woods (DListed)

Kiefer cuffed! (JustJared)

Jenna Bush’s wedding photos (CeleBitchy)

Brad Pitt’s new body art (SplashNews)

Retouch My Body: the video! (PerezHilton)

Winehouse walks the streets (Mollygood)

The Office is TV with a heart? (Defamer)

Barack in drag! (Gawker)

Liveblogging Battlestar Galactica premiere (io9)

Sonny Bono died for your sins (AgentBedhead)

Perez Hilton is a big, fat truth-teller? (PerezHilton)

Elvis lives! (WebstersIsMyBitch)

YOU don’t know medical marijuana! TOM CRUISE DOES! (Celebitchy)

Snoop Dogg has apparently been sampling the Tom Cruise Purple (Bossip)

Ben Affleck rear-ended! (DailyStab)

Everything Matt Damon knows he learned from his mom (Popsugar)

Dress your children in Uggs and belly shirts (CircusHour)

LOST love re-discovered (FemaleFirst)

Hollywood’s gropiest! (Starpulse)

Royals a-go-go at Mahiki (Lainey)

After all this, they’d BETTER be getting married (ASocialitesLife)

Keanu brings the fierce, Minnie Driver brings the funbags (ImNotObsessed)

Fug-off championship round (GoFugYourself)

Chosen One martyred! (Star)

Mariah Carey may have slightly diva-iss tendencies. Who knew? (DListed)

Liveblogging the Oscars (Defamer)

Jimmy Kimmel is fucking Ben Affleck (Gawker)

Britney taken away by the men in white coats (TMZ)

Christina Aguilera has baby rage (Hollyscoop)

Eli Roth is a bedhead beyond belief (AgentBedhead)

Lindsay Lohan had too many double waters on the rocks (CelebritySmack)

Katie Holmes was delusional as a child (ImNotObsessed)

Directions to the Playboy Mansion (Derober)

Lessons from the Oscars (CircusHour)

Enough with the Oscars: who won the Razzies? (HolyMoly)

Worst idea for a musical ev-ar (SeriouslyOMGWTF)

Gary Busey’s attempted red carpet rape of Jennifer Garner thwarted by Ryan “Macho” Seacrest (ASocialitesLife)

Pot calls kettle black (PerezHilton)

Diablo Cody won’t wear your stupid million dollar shoes! (Mollygood)

The Jolie-Pitt baby bump debuted to massive acclaim (Websters)

Falling Slowly for the song of the year (EvilBeet)

Kimora Lee Simmons’ death by a thousand quotes (Celebitchy)

Ben Affleck is so macho (Dlisted)

Hugh Jackman is uh is uh what was I saying? (Popsugar)

Celebrity pickup lines (Agentbedhead)

Reasons to hate American Idol (ImBringingBloggingBack)

Rickrolling the Church of Scientology (Gawker)

Britney Spears is the Pied Piper of North Hollywood (CeleBitchy)

Colour me shocked: Paris Hilton neglects her pussy (Dlisted)

Colin Farrell will be best man at his brother’s gay wedding (Gabsmash)

Violet Affleck pats the bunny (CelebrityBabyScoop)

Lenny Kravitz in the hospital (CelebritySmack)

Fergie may have a pea in the pod (HollywoodBackwash)

Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman will eat your soul (DailyStab)

Nelly Furtado loses at the Grammys (GoFugYourself)

Dita von Teese dates down. Like, Backstreet Boy down (EvilBeet)

Barron Hilton runs down a gas station attendant, gets DUI’ed (Defamer)

Night of the Creeps: Kanye at the Grammys (fourfour)

John Mayer not checking into the Paris Hilton (HolyCandy)

Amy Winehouse goes from soundstage to lockup (ImNotObsessed)

Angelina loses an Oscar (Mollygood)

Emma Watson picks up Kirsten Dunst’s sloppy seconds (JustJared)

Gary Coleman is off the market, ladies (PerezHilton)

So this is how it’s gonna be, huh Jennifer?

Well FINE. You just BE that way. Trotting around looking all normal and well-adjusted with your normal and well-adjusted baby THAT YOU DIDN’T EVEN BUY! How do you think that makes us, the celebrity bloggers of the universe, feel? What about OUR needs or do we just not count anymore? It’s bad enough you and your stupid wholesome dimples brought Ben Affleck back from the booty-biting dark side, but you had to pass it on to another generation with that robo-cute baby.
Oh, and don’t get me STARTED on the naming. Violet? VIOLET? Would it have KILLED you to name her oh, I don’t know, like Rubber Rose Schenectady or Pinkwilly Grace?  GOD.  Some people can be SO selfish.