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Friday Caption Contest: Bey-ond

You know what to do. Do it in the comments section for fabulous, completely imaginary prizes. This Friday’s commemorative cocktail to put you in the mood and to drink in solidarity with our Nemo-ridden friends in the East is the Velvet Manhattan: 2 ounces of Maker’s Mark bourbon, 1/2 ounce red vermouth, dash chocolate bitters, served in a rocks glass over ice, preferably fancy ice. I do love fancy ice. The more carats the better. Where was I? Oh yes, ordering another Manhattan and contemplating the beauty that is Beyonce.

Beyonce

Beyonce

The Beyonce Bounce

Beyonce Butt Bounce

Beyonce Butt Bounce

Contrary to appearances, that sound you hear is not Beyonce’s buttcheeks clashing together like tectonic plates. That sound you hear is Dame Diana Rigg rolling over in her grave, and she’s not even dead yet. This might just push her over the edge, though.

Diana Rigg is not amused

Diana Rigg is not amused

BeyonceAYYYY!

beyonce beyond

beyonce beyond

We all have those pictures from high school that we hoped had been buried forever. And we find them posted to Facebook when our “friends” get into the prosecco. I’m sorry, Beyonce, we can no more let you live this down than we can these two. Acid wash isn’t for jeans; it’s for our eyeballs after we get a load of this outfit. Also, is that a wig from the House of Lisa Kudrow on your head?

Robert Pattinson in Brownout Link Shocker

Robert Pattinson attempts to bring back the Reagan Brown Suit

Robert Pattinson attempts to bring back the Reagan Brown Suit

Oh dear god. Sweet jeebus. Normally, I kind of love RPattz: he looks like he would have an unfortunate tang if it were a warm day, something like the bottom of a pub ashtray, but normally he’s just crazy enough to keep it interesting, unlike his co-stars (Tai the elephant excepted: if she’s good enough for Banksy, she’s good enough for me). But while he may have been talked into wearing this diarrhea-coloured monstrosity on the general principle that “a suit is dressy” a significant part of me hopes that halfway through a beer-laden schnitzelfest he ripped it in pieces and ran down the cobblestones naked and cackling. If he didn’t, please don’t inform me.

Now I am going to drown my sorrows with a Boilermaker or ten and some gossip links.

Tiling tigers: trippy! (raincoaster)

Bling it on! Talk about an accessory to crime! (Ayyyy)

Sunday food porn: Canadian Content chez Timmy’s (ManoloFood)

Renee Zellweger’s smile secret (Lolebrity)

Beach Reads: everyone’s dirty secret (Crasstalk)

Ozzy Osbourne loses it. Who knew he’d ever found it in the first place? (AgentBedhead)

Lady Gaga’s Truth or Dare! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Robert Pattinson blah blah OH MY GOD NOT A BROWN SUIT!!!! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Pink and a half! (CelebritySmack)

A grizzly (mama) look at Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin (CelebrityVIPLounge)

My Big, Cheap Royal Wedding pictures (FreakingNews)

Sadly, neither were hurt in the attack (DailyStab)

But she IS addicted to Kabbalah water! (EarSucker)

Survivor recap included because that guy is HOT! (FitFabCeleb)

Justin Timberlake will not beFriendWithBenefit you (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Blake Lively sees red (HaveUHeard)

The trailer is out for the Final Harry Potter movie (HollywoodHiccups)

Beyonce Scrooged 70 people this Christmas (INeedMyFix)

Jillian Michaels’ ass-ironing secrets (MathewGuiver)

A thousand bucks does not include Britney (PoorBritney)

The Jersey Shore is replicating!!! (PopBytes)

Jon Hamm admires the view (Swoonworthy)

Now, if only we could get the REST of her to vanish as well (TheSkinnyChic)

 

Do You Hear What I Hear?

That rumbling sound in the distance?

Kim Kardashian Kardigan

Kim Kardashian Kardigan

Relax: it’s not an earthquake. It’s just the Earl of Cardigan rolling over in his grave.

Dear Santa, is it SO much to ask… (raincoaster)

Santa Andy has to put up with some mean drunks on Christmas (Ayyyy)

Julia Child, acolyte of Cthulhu??? (ManoloFood)

Ryan Gosling is into light bondage (Lolebrity)

The War on Christmas tweets (AgentBedhead)

Jennifer Aniston has the scent of desperation (AmyGrindhouse)

Hugh Jackman has cricket balls (BusyBeeBlogger)

Alanis Morissette for Ever (CeleBitchy)

Natalie Portman is packing babeh, off the market (CelebritySmack)

Is EVERYONE pregnant? Please stop her before she breeds (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Hottest accessory of 2010: Klingonhead (CityRag)

But would Lady Gaga have broken up the Beatles? (EvilBeet)

KK hits rock bottom and starts digging (FitFabCeleb)

World’s most hated couple makes honest homewreckers of one another (GabbyBabble)

Best Busts of 2010 (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Kelly Osbourne goes Full Flamewar (HaveUHeard)

Justin Bieber’s impurity ring (INeedMyFix)

To get your little gold man, get a little man of your own (Movieline)

Richard Chamberlain comes out, Perez whacks him (PerezHilton)

and all I got were slipper socks. AGAIN (PopBytes)

Lily Allen is engaged (PopSugar)

Santa brought the world some JLoHew/AlyMil action (SeriouslyOMG)

Charlie Sheen not dead (WeNewsIt)

Student Exchange: Hogwarts Heartthrobs

That’s a very respectable showing from Tom Felton, once again stealing the show from his arch-rival, Daniel “Nice Guy” Radcliffe. But does anyone else think he’s been watching a bit too much early Keanu Reeves? Booyah, Dude-Man! Let’s order a pitcher of Bud Light (and pour it into the window planter when nobody is looking) to toast these new speakers of American: The Freedom Language.

Old McDonald had a problem… (raincoaster)
Draco Malfoy cleans up good (Ayyyy)
The Andy Warhol New York City Diet (ManoloFood)
Joan Crawford’s dating tips (Lolebrity)
Il fait suffrir pour etre belle (ManoloBeauty)
Spoons are a girl’s best friend? (CraftyManolo)
A clever bale-out for the recession (GreenManolo)
When Dina Lohan has to tell you how to behave, you KNOW you’re in trouble (AgentBedhead)
Kellan Lutz has Madonna arms! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Even St. Angelina can’t save Bosnia (CeleBitchy)
Tony Danza heckles a priest at a funeral (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Canuckistan corners teh sex-ay (DailyStab)
Chupa schtupped (DListed)
Beyonce is bad! (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Eva Longoria Foursome (HaveUHeard)
You don’t have to be crazy to hate Bristol Palin (INeedMyFix)
Harry Potter finds his dead parents alive! (SeriouslyOMG)

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Amanda Seyfried’s Fists of Furry

Amanda Seyfried is no dog, but apparently Ryan Philippe is a furry?

Funny, I wouldn’t have called her a dog, but I guess her new boyfriend is a furry. Wash that picture out of your mind with a couple of tall Salty Dog cocktails and enjoy your gossip links.

Happy Halloween from 1928 (raincoaster)
This Bear Jew takes no prisoners (Lolebrity)
How to dispose of the body (ManoloFood)
US now exporting celebrity wingnuts (CelebrityBeehive)
Crocman stalks Hollywood! (Ayyyy)
Shirley Manson recycles Garbage (AgentBedhead)
Jason Statham is unsafe at any speed (BusyBeeBlogger)
Katy Perry has a bad case of Russell Brand (CeleBitchy)
If these two crazy kids can’t make it, then who can? (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Cougar keeps her dog on leash for now (CelebritySmack)
Horrifying celebrity Halloween costumes (CojoStyle)
So that’s ONE blind item solved (DailyStab)
Beyonce returns from Sweden (EvilBeet)
The scent of revenge! (GabbyBabble)
Katy and Russell get even more bull (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Demi Moore tortures a child (GoFugYourself)
Kim Kardashian’s Halloween costume is definitely not a Treat (HaveUHeard)
Rihanna dresses up for Halloween (INeedMyFix)
Leo DiCaprio is going to be a serial killer (JustJared)
She has FANS? (PerezHilton)
The greatest musical triumph since Springtime for Hitler (PoorBritney)
Kristy McNichol is ageless (SeriouslyOMG)

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Carey Mulligan in:

Hollywoods elite and powerful arrive to the premiere of 'Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps' at the Ziegfeld Theatre in New York City, NY on September 20, 2010. Among the arrivals were one of the most successful investors in the world, Warren Buffett and esteemed actor Michael Douglas whom is currently battling stage 4 throat cancer attended to support his fellow co-stars. Pictured Here: Carey Mulligan  Fame Pictures, Inc

…her new movie, “Money Never Sleeps In Its Clothes The Night Before a Big Premiere.” Looks like the poor girl could use a drink, and so could we, since we have to look at that. I suggest a hearty and nutritious Pick Me Up Cocktail, to pry those heavy eyelids open.

Hipster Potter and the Philosophers, Stoned (raincoaster)
Friday Caption Contest: Cravat Edition (Ayyyy)
Ozzy and Slash: pocket queens (Lolebrity)
The Gruesome Twosome are no more (CelebrityBeehive)
Kate Moss is just dicking with Pete Doherty now (AgentBedhead)
Alicia Keys popped! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Pink gets on the horn (CelebDirtyLaundry)
We’ll have no Beyonceing here! (CelebritySmack)
Eva Longoria Parker poses next to a Paula Abdul impersonator (DailyStab)
Kim Kardashian’s butt armor needs a blacksmith ASAP (GabbyBabble)
NPH officially world’s coolest dad (HaveUHeard)
Katy Perry is no Julie Newmar (INeedMyFix)
What happens in Vegas stays…on PerezHilton (PerezHilton)
St Britney (PinkIsTheNewBlog)
10 best-dressed authors (Flavorwire)

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