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Friday Caption Contest: Catherine Zeta Jones bikini edition

You know what to do. Do it in the comments:

Gee, Catherine Zeta-Jones, haven't seen much of you lately. Comparatively speaking.
Gee, Catherine Zeta-Jones, haven’t seen much of you lately. Comparatively speaking.

I think it’s pretty clear there can be but one cocktail accompaniment to this, and that is a Naked Martini, otherwise known as gin, straight up (note not neat; “straight up” is shaken or stirred over ice to put a little water and oxygen into it, and gets it nice and cold, and now your cocktail trivia lesson for today is at an end).

And now, your gossip links, including the one from which I stole that picture:

And this is what happened to Steve Jobs, Viggo Mortensen and Julian Assange (raincoaster)

Help poor John Galliano find another job! (Ayyyy)

Winedown with Jean-Georges! (ManoloFood)

I am Woman, Hear me roar! (Lolebrity)

He’d better never date Jessica Simpson (AgentBedhead)

“Hustler?” Gee, I knew she was looking for work, but golly! (BusyBeeBlogger)

We should feel sorrier for her because she’s wearing THAT (CelebDirtyLaundry)

The Empress of Lucite just got some more plastic (CelebritySmack)

Lock up your lesbians! Xtina is single! (DailyStab)

America is a Miley-free zone? (EarSucker)

Gee, Catherine Zeta-Jones, haven’t seen much of you lately, comparatively speaking (FitFabCeleb)

PWND! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

We LOST track of Evangeline Lilly (HollywoodHiccups)

Gwyneth Paltrow’s hip bones make the cover of Self (INeedMyFix)

Marilyn Manson official scrapes the bottom of the barrel (MathewGuiver)

Because nobody watches Britney vids for the singing (PoorBritney)

RIP Mr. Tiger Beat (Swoonworthy)

What does “Virgin Marathon” even mean? You hold out till marriage? (TheSkinny)

It was the jacket, wasn’t it? (TheSkinnyChic)

 

The Bad Fairy

Truly hath the poet and wise man said that no royal wedding, christening, or restraining order hearing is complete without a Bad Fairy. Given the charmed lives led by heir to the British throne and his intended bride, and the fact that his Great-Aunt Margaret is dead, there is no particularly obvious candidate for the office. We in the Manolosphere would like to present our own official candidate for this office:

Tara “I’m a drug addict, not a pedophile” Palmer-Tomkinson.

Co-starring with Mickey Rourke in The Boxer?

Co-starring with Mickey Rourke in The Boxer?

Cocaine is a helluva drug, people, and with an $800 dollar a day habit it doesn’t matter how many nose jobs you throw at it; you’re essentially throwing good money after bad cartilage. Tara, the woman once rumoured to have taken Prince William’s virginity, is invited to the wedding, but wants to get her nose done first. At this point, however, it becomes a Michael Jackson situation: there needs to be something there to work on in the first place.

Let’s toast Tara’s heart’s desire with your choice of a Mad Fairy cocktail or a Donkey’s Nob (made with Coke, of course).

And some gossip links:

Rebecca Black is SO JEALOUS of this woman (raincoaster)

Hugh Jass has nothing on this guy (Lolebrity)

Karl Lagerfeld, now *I* want to kill you (Ayyyy)

Vodka: is there anything it can’t do? (Manolofood)

The Anti-Gwyneth makes a mean Monte Cristo (AgentBedhead)

I’d cut off her head for that hat (BusyBeeBlogger)

There was an Octomom who lived in a shoe(box)... (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Did anyone see Perez Hilton or Michael Lohan at the scene of the crime? (CelebritySmack)

Princess Margaret is dead, so who will be the bad fairy? (CelebVIPLounge)

Kim Kardashian, Turkey, these things write themselves (DailyStab)

Courtney Cox is no Friend! (EarSucker)

Rebecca Blacklash! (FitFabCeleb)

PETA will get her! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Who harshes on Robin Sweetest Man In Showbiz Williams and lives???? (HaveUHeard)

Planet Earth takes Lady Gaga DOWN! (HollywoodHiccups)

Tinkerbell’s new rival (INeedMyFix)

Fix! Fix! The fix is in at People! (MathewGuiver)

Old Britney vs New Britney (PoorBritney)

 

Who Wore It Better: Celine Dion vs Angelina Jolie

One of these things is not like the other

One of these things is not like the other

Celine demonstrates the authentic, little-known Quebecois-Canadian Tuxedo technique, here incorrectly applied to an American Tuxedo. Vote below:

And now, let’s have a dashing Tuxedo Cocktail and a few stiff gossip links:

Paul Rudd, birthday boy (raincoaster)

Lindsay Lohan’s staple food (ManoloFood)

Carrie Fisher captures your captions! (Ayyyy)

Angelina not so Jolie (Lolebrity)

Beastie Boys have got to fight! for the right! to remake material from 20 years ago (AgentBedhead)

John Legend is my imaginary boyfriend even if he does love Adele and golf (BusyBeeBlogger)

Kate and William are bringing my invite in person (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Nicki Minaj is trying to muscle in on Carrie’s caption game (CelebritySmack)

Mandy Moore, the extreme closeup is NOT your friend (CelebVIPLounge)

Oregon: Greatest state or GREATEST STATE? (CityRag)

Keanu Reeves has big plans for your sex life (DailyStab)

Hugh Hefner takes a load off my mind (EarSucker)

Nicky Hilton appears to be chilly (FitFabCeleb)

Solange Knowles in: Who Invited HER? (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Pia J’adore (HaveUHeard)

Helen’s Magical Bosom (HollywoodHiccups)

Katherine Heigl is about to piss off the Knitting Lobby (INeedMyFix)

If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at who he gives it to (MathewGuiver)

Adele vs Britney (PoorBritney)

The Bride of Wildenstein lives! (PopBytes)

Hottest Male Athletes for your aesthetic appreciation (SwoonWorthy)

Kate Moss uses her mouth for something (TheSkinny)

Justin Bieber, keepin’ it teal (TheSkinnyChic)

Eva Longoria is no TEN

Eva Longoria gets 4 from the French Judge

Eva Longoria gets 4 from the French Judge

Convinced she could stick the landing, Eva Longoria instead did a faceplant instead of a triple at GMA. Her fans claim the contest was fixed, but it’s a cinch that anyone with that kind of figure was skating on thin ice with this look.

Speaking of ice, let’s drop some into a tumbler and enjoy a Triple Lutz cocktail while perusing some links that probably should be put on ice before they swell.

Stupid Girl is sick in the head (raincoaster)

This has medicinal value (ManoloFood)

That’s a very strange growth (Ayyyy)

Beaker needs a tiger blood infusion (Lolebrity)

Canadian cancer faker free? (Gawker)

Giselle gets an unsatisfactory scan (AgentBedhead)

Bringing the Bird back from Beyond (BusyBeeBlogger)

RescussiAnnie has some competition from Charlie Sheen (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Baby On Board! (CelebritySmack)

She’s not wearing her blue gown, doctor! (CelebVIPLounge)

Which is why they call the front row Gynecology Row (DailyStab)

If she thinks she’s A-list, she needs her head examined (EarSucker)

Who needs a mammogram when you have THIS shirt? (FitFabCeleb)

I don’t care what he says, he still looks like a junkie (GirlsTalkinSmack)

100 days of sobriety? (HaveUHeard)

RIP (HollywoodHiccups)

The uterus that ATE a Promising Career! (INeedMyFix)

Rihanna’s PET scan results are internet-ready (MathewGuiver)

Britney’s body rumours put to rest? (PoorBritney)

Ferraris are like hemorrhoids (PopBytes)

Let’s give Paul Rudd his birthday wish to cure cancer (Swoonworthy)

She’s only five pounds away from being Mister Bones hanging in the corner of the lab (TheSkinny)

Making it easy for the nurse practitioner’s examination (TheSkinnyChic)

 

Mystery Flapper Links!

Yes, it’s another round of “Guess the Celebrity(and let’s see if it takes you more than fifteen minutes this time).”

Mystery Flapper

Mystery Flapper is where Karl Lagerfeld stole his fan?

Guesses in the comments, and while you’re pondering, I suggest you enjoy a tasty and nutritious Strawberry Flapper and some gossip links:

The most epic post in the history of epicosity! (raincoaster)

Brando prepares for his greatest role (ManoloFood)

Lindsay Lohan SANS FARDS (Ayyyy)

Harry Potter and the Slash of Fandom (Lolebrity)

Nicole Kidman’s been swallowed by a python (AgentBedhead)

And her baby is all, “Wasn’t SATC ten years ago? Whatever, Mom.” (BusyBeeBlogger)

So does three quarters of Louisiana, but that won’t make it happen (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Xtina has the hiccups (CelebDirtyLaundry)

OH MY GOD I AM SUDDENLY SO HAPPY AND DUMB. AND HAPPY!!!1!! (DailyStab)

Won’t you spare a thought for the poor reality show millionaires? (EarSucker)

What Beaker Saw (cannot be unseen, I warned you!) (FitFabCeleb)

No, Justin, that’s not what she meant by the Burning Bush (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Kirstie Alley not immune to gravity (HaveUHeard)

L. Ron Jr is five! (HollywoodHiccups)

Amy Winehouse put a ring on it (INeedMyFix)

The Oddest Couple (MathewGuiver)

Then she took some gigolo to Disneyland (PoorBritney)

Garey Busey almost gets Meatloafed (PopBytes)

I don’t know who this is, but I want it (SwoonWorthy)

Tara Reid still clinging to life, relevance (TheSkinny)

On the other hand, how much do most 90-year-olds make? (TheSkinnyChic)

 

Fred Astaire will have none of your tawdry, drunken gossip links

Fred Astaire loved his shoes

Fred Astaire loved his shoes

Strangely for a man of his era, but not-so-strangely for a trained athlete, Fred strongly maintained that he had no favorite drink, so I suppose when we salute Fred we will have to do it with an elegant dancing slipper full of imaginary Champagne. He may not have known much about alcohol, but he obviously knew from shoes, and for that we honour him.

And then trudge right on to our tawdry, drunken gossip links. *hic*

The secret of Rebecca Black’s success (raincoaster)

Happy Birthday, Brando (ManoloFood)

Show of hands! (Ayyyy)

The Great Game? (Lolebrity)

in the same way diarrhea is explosive (AgentBedhead)

Mae West could tame anything (BusyBeeBlogger)

Celebrity Apprentice roundup (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Elizabeth Hurley is back, bitches! (CelebritySmack)

The Ambiguously Gay Duo IRL (CelebVIPLounge)

Maybe we should drop HIM on Benghazi? (DailyStab)

But you couldn’t pay her to listen (EarSucker)

Billy Ray bought the first one! (FitFabCeleb)

OMG it’s like stretch pants got marked down at Walmart! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Heidi Klum slimed! (HaveUHeard)

Crackers, Jack. (HollywoodHiccups)

Lindsay Lohan typecast (INeedMyFix)

It’s like if Mad Max Thunderdome had cheerleaders (MathewGuiver)

Just how Fatale is Britney? (PoorBritney)

He could slime me anytime (SwoonWorthy)

OMG fatty fat fatties! (TheSkinny)

 

Hump Day Hunk Links: Leonard Nimoy, Birthday Boy!

It's true, everyone loves a bad boy in a leather jacket

It's true, everyone loves a bad boy in a leather jacket

Happy 80th Birthday to Leonard Freaking Nimoy! You’ll always be a week and a day younger than William Shatner!

Now I think I’ll carefully sip a thimbleful of Romulan Ale in his honour.

Gramps Gets Down! (raincoaster)

This is why the pinkos never win (Lolebrity)

The Eternal Question: Mugler edition (Ayyyy)

Sophia Loren tries out a new look (ManoloFood)

That’s my dating life sorted then! (AgentBedhead)

Blind Item Egoist! Let me guess: Prince Philip? (BusyBeeBlogger)

It’s a dog’s life. Meanwhile, I stay in Motel 6 (CelebDirtyLaundry)

It’s Tween vs Tween! (CelebritySmack)

Angelina to step into Dame Elizabeth’s sandals (CelebVIPLounge)

Sean Penn gets made over (CityRag)

Khloe Kardashian Kovers Kosmopolitan (DailyStab)

Reese Witherspoon calls RPattz a dirty, dirty boy (EarSucker)

Lilo doesn’t look a day over 40 (FitFabCeleb)

James Franco: we get the public intellectuals we deserve (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Preppy label amputates model’s arm! (HaveUHeard)

Britney, Jackass, the jokes write themselves (HollywoodHiccups)

Do YOU have what it takes to be a Torontonian? (INeedMyFix)

Kingston Rossdale is a playa! (MathewGuiver)

Enrique can’t out-diva Britney (PoorBritney)

Thar’s gold in them thar hills alive with the sound of music (PopEater)

Judge Judy’s oral issue (Radar)

Now HERE Is some decorative royalty! (SwoonWorthy)

Tom and Katie have a time machine, apparently (TheSkinnyChic)

So Liv Tyler and Jimmy Fallon get in a time machine… (SeriouslyOMG)

 

Semantic Style

 

alexa chung is in no sense turned out

alexa chung is in no sense turned out

She must be studying yoga intensely;, it’s really rare to see anyone as completely “centered” as fashion diva Alexa Chung.

On that note, let’s toast todays perfectly centered gossip links with a perfectly symmetrical Cross-Eyed Skull Cocktail.

Animal Hats of the Rich and Famous (raincoaster)

Oh! Livia! (Ayyyy)

The Things I Do for You People! (ManoloFood)

Darth Vader, social media master of disaster (Lolebrity)

Is this part of an LRon approved diet? (AgentBedhead)

One less candidate for Celebrity Rehab (BusyBeeBlogger)

Playgirl, RPattz, and you already clicked this didn’t you? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

No, Kat, “WeHo” isn’t a descriptor. (CelebritySmack)

Ben Affleck might have a career after all (CelebrityVIPLounge)

Some traumas you never overcome (CityRag)

Kelly Clarkson assumes holding pattern (DailyStab)

Playgirl wants to bag a Silver Fox (EarSucker)

Grizzlies don’t whine! (FitFabCeleb)

Does pigeontoe cause crosseye, Alexa? (GirlsTalkinSmack)

JUSTIN! NOT IN PUBLIC!!! (HaveUHeard)

Rihanna untapped! (HollywoodHiccups)

Stern ‘n Sexy in Rolling Stone (INeedMyFix)

The “ugly bridesmaid dress” effect, with cheerleaders! (MathewGuiver)

Blogger busts Brit-Brit cherry (PoorBritney)

The family that rehabs together… (PopBytes)

Ellen Pompeo’s bizarre nipple situation (TheSkinny)

Wrap it or suck it, Ryan (TheSkinnyChic)

 

 

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