Eva Longoria gets 4 from the French Judge

Convinced she could stick the landing, Eva Longoria instead did a faceplant instead of a triple at GMA. Her fans claim the contest was fixed, but it’s a cinch that anyone with that kind of figure was skating on thin ice with this look.

Speaking of ice, let’s drop some into a tumbler and enjoy a Triple Lutz cocktail while perusing some links that probably should be put on ice before they swell.

Stupid Girl is sick in the head (raincoaster)

This has medicinal value (ManoloFood)

That’s a very strange growth (Ayyyy)

Beaker needs a tiger blood infusion (Lolebrity)

Canadian cancer faker free? (Gawker)

Giselle gets an unsatisfactory scan (AgentBedhead)

Bringing the Bird back from Beyond (BusyBeeBlogger)

RescussiAnnie has some competition from Charlie Sheen (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Baby On Board! (CelebritySmack)

She’s not wearing her blue gown, doctor! (CelebVIPLounge)

Which is why they call the front row Gynecology Row (DailyStab)

If she thinks she’s A-list, she needs her head examined (EarSucker)

Who needs a mammogram when you have THIS shirt? (FitFabCeleb)

I don’t care what he says, he still looks like a junkie (GirlsTalkinSmack)

100 days of sobriety? (HaveUHeard)

RIP (HollywoodHiccups)

The uterus that ATE a Promising Career! (INeedMyFix)

Rihanna’s PET scan results are internet-ready (MathewGuiver)

Britney’s body rumours put to rest? (PoorBritney)

Ferraris are like hemorrhoids (PopBytes)

Let’s give Paul Rudd his birthday wish to cure cancer (Swoonworthy)

She’s only five pounds away from being Mister Bones hanging in the corner of the lab (TheSkinny)

Making it easy for the nurse practitioner’s examination (TheSkinnyChic)

Yes, it’s another round of “Guess the Celebrity(and let’s see if it takes you more than fifteen minutes this time).”

Mystery Flapper is where Karl Lagerfeld stole his fan?

Guesses in the comments, and while you’re pondering, I suggest you enjoy a tasty and nutritious Strawberry Flapper and some gossip links:

The most epic post in the history of epicosity! (raincoaster)

Brando prepares for his greatest role (ManoloFood)

Lindsay Lohan SANS FARDS (Ayyyy)

Harry Potter and the Slash of Fandom (Lolebrity)

Nicole Kidman’s been swallowed by a python (AgentBedhead)

And her baby is all, “Wasn’t SATC ten years ago? Whatever, Mom.” (BusyBeeBlogger)

So does three quarters of Louisiana, but that won’t make it happen (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Xtina has the hiccups (CelebDirtyLaundry)

OH MY GOD I AM SUDDENLY SO HAPPY AND DUMB. AND HAPPY!!!1!! (DailyStab)

Won’t you spare a thought for the poor reality show millionaires? (EarSucker)

What Beaker Saw (cannot be unseen, I warned you!) (FitFabCeleb)

No, Justin, that’s not what she meant by the Burning Bush (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Kirstie Alley not immune to gravity (HaveUHeard)

L. Ron Jr is five! (HollywoodHiccups)

Amy Winehouse put a ring on it (INeedMyFix)

The Oddest Couple (MathewGuiver)

Then she took some gigolo to Disneyland (PoorBritney)

Garey Busey almost gets Meatloafed (PopBytes)

I don’t know who this is, but I want it (SwoonWorthy)

Tara Reid still clinging to life, relevance (TheSkinny)

On the other hand, how much do most 90-year-olds make? (TheSkinnyChic)

Fred Astaire loved his shoes

Strangely for a man of his era, but not-so-strangely for a trained athlete, Fred strongly maintained that he had no favorite drink, so I suppose when we salute Fred we will have to do it with an elegant dancing slipper full of imaginary Champagne. He may not have known much about alcohol, but he obviously knew from shoes, and for that we honour him.

And then trudge right on to our tawdry, drunken gossip links. *hic*

The secret of Rebecca Black’s success (raincoaster)

Happy Birthday, Brando (ManoloFood)

Show of hands! (Ayyyy)

The Great Game? (Lolebrity)

in the same way diarrhea is explosive (AgentBedhead)

Mae West could tame anything (BusyBeeBlogger)

Celebrity Apprentice roundup (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Elizabeth Hurley is back, bitches! (CelebritySmack)

The Ambiguously Gay Duo IRL (CelebVIPLounge)

Maybe we should drop HIM on Benghazi? (DailyStab)

But you couldn’t pay her to listen (EarSucker)

Billy Ray bought the first one! (FitFabCeleb)

OMG it’s like stretch pants got marked down at Walmart! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Heidi Klum slimed! (HaveUHeard)

Crackers, Jack. (HollywoodHiccups)

Lindsay Lohan typecast (INeedMyFix)

It’s like if Mad Max Thunderdome had cheerleaders (MathewGuiver)

Just how Fatale is Britney? (PoorBritney)

He could slime me anytime (SwoonWorthy)

OMG fatty fat fatties! (TheSkinny)

It's true, everyone loves a bad boy in a leather jacket

Happy 80th Birthday to Leonard Freaking Nimoy! You’ll always be a week and a day younger than William Shatner!

Now I think I’ll carefully sip a thimbleful of Romulan Ale in his honour.

Gramps Gets Down! (raincoaster)

This is why the pinkos never win (Lolebrity)

The Eternal Question: Mugler edition (Ayyyy)

Sophia Loren tries out a new look (ManoloFood)

That’s my dating life sorted then! (AgentBedhead)

Blind Item Egoist! Let me guess: Prince Philip? (BusyBeeBlogger)

It’s a dog’s life. Meanwhile, I stay in Motel 6 (CelebDirtyLaundry)

It’s Tween vs Tween! (CelebritySmack)

Angelina to step into Dame Elizabeth’s sandals (CelebVIPLounge)

Sean Penn gets made over (CityRag)

Khloe Kardashian Kovers Kosmopolitan (DailyStab)

Reese Witherspoon calls RPattz a dirty, dirty boy (EarSucker)

Lilo doesn’t look a day over 40 (FitFabCeleb)

James Franco: we get the public intellectuals we deserve (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Preppy label amputates model’s arm! (HaveUHeard)

Britney, Jackass, the jokes write themselves (HollywoodHiccups)

Do YOU have what it takes to be a Torontonian? (INeedMyFix)

Kingston Rossdale is a playa! (MathewGuiver)

Enrique can’t out-diva Britney (PoorBritney)

Thar’s gold in them thar hills alive with the sound of music (PopEater)

Judge Judy’s oral issue (Radar)

Now HERE Is some decorative royalty! (SwoonWorthy)

Tom and Katie have a time machine, apparently (TheSkinnyChic)

So Liv Tyler and Jimmy Fallon get in a time machine… (SeriouslyOMG)

alexa chung is in no sense turned out

She must be studying yoga intensely;, it’s really rare to see anyone as completely “centered” as fashion diva Alexa Chung.

On that note, let’s toast todays perfectly centered gossip links with a perfectly symmetrical Cross-Eyed Skull Cocktail.

Animal Hats of the Rich and Famous (raincoaster)

Oh! Livia! (Ayyyy)

The Things I Do for You People! (ManoloFood)

Darth Vader, social media master of disaster (Lolebrity)

Is this part of an LRon approved diet? (AgentBedhead)

One less candidate for Celebrity Rehab (BusyBeeBlogger)

Playgirl, RPattz, and you already clicked this didn’t you? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

No, Kat, “WeHo” isn’t a descriptor. (CelebritySmack)

Ben Affleck might have a career after all (CelebrityVIPLounge)

Some traumas you never overcome (CityRag)

Kelly Clarkson assumes holding pattern (DailyStab)

Playgirl wants to bag a Silver Fox (EarSucker)

Grizzlies don’t whine! (FitFabCeleb)

Does pigeontoe cause crosseye, Alexa? (GirlsTalkinSmack)

JUSTIN! NOT IN PUBLIC!!! (HaveUHeard)

Rihanna untapped! (HollywoodHiccups)

Stern ‘n Sexy in Rolling Stone (INeedMyFix)

The “ugly bridesmaid dress” effect, with cheerleaders! (MathewGuiver)

Blogger busts Brit-Brit cherry (PoorBritney)

The family that rehabs together… (PopBytes)

Ellen Pompeo’s bizarre nipple situation (TheSkinny)

Wrap it or suck it, Ryan (TheSkinnyChic)

What can I say? It’s Anarchy day.

See? A law-abiding seatbelt wearer

Also, I have a bit of a thing for plausible, real-world Bond villains. Why don’t you try to talk some sense into me over a couple of Vesper Martinis?

The Booze Reaper (Manolofood)

V for Vogue! (Ayyyy)

Dr Drew’s got 99 problems (Lolebrity)

James Bond in drag (raincoaster)

The latest has-been to pull a Joaquin Phoenix (AgentBedhead)

Hunk dumps troll (BusyBeeBlogger)

Thetans Strike Back! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

OMG a celebrity who’s clean? (CelebrityVIPLounge)

Mariah Carey’s night of mommyglamour (CelebritySmack)

But will she be naked or neurotically sweary? Enquiring minds want to know (DailyStab)

Appearing on FunnyOrDie is not “Winning” (EarSucker)

Robert Pattinson run off the road (FitFabCeleb)

Arwen vs Kanye (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Latest Awful Celebrity Couple (HaveUHeard)

Putting the “hipster” in “Vampire” (HollywoodHiccups)

I guess I’m not getting that job then (INeedMyFix)

Brad, those shades are the Pitts (MathewGuiver)

Britney vs Bullies (PoorBritney)

Theft tapes are the new sex tapes (TheSkinnyChic)

Diddy? Oh yes he DID!

Are you WINNING? Diddy sure is, and PWNING too. BOOM!

RIP OD (CelebritySmack)

REM RT (CelebrityVIPLounge)

WINNING! photoshops (CityRag)

SO FAR, Demi. So far… (DailyStab)

Adele is pro-gossip (DippedInCream)

Everybody but me has a book deal and a sex tape (EarSucker)

Three planets that size make a solar plexus system (FitFabCeleb)

Remember Lily Allen? (GirlsTalkinSmack)

One gets Africa, one gets New York? (HaveUHeard)

Aw man, don’t bling that thing! (HollywoodHiccups)

They have country music in Belgium? (INeedMyFix)

Roseanne Barr and Charlie Sheen? (MathewGuiver)

KFed/FedX Xpands (PoorBritney)

“Country Music’s newest star” (PopBytes)

TURBAN SIGHTING!!! (TheSkinny)

Bikini baby bump (TheSkinnyChic)

Mubarak Chic: yes, you can judge a book by its cover

Truly has it been said that fascists generally have the best uniforms. When it comes to fallen dictators, however, the same is not true. Look at Hosni Mubarak here, former president of Egypt and current homeless dude. Never mind the cut of his jib, we can tell he’s earned those stripes. It may look like a regular old pinstripe suit, but if God is in the details I’d have to say this qualifies as blasphemy, because those stripes are actually made up of his name, printed over and over. Of such gaudy heights of self-aggrandizement may the average Mafiosi only dream.

Speaking of gaudy pinstripes, let’s drown our sartorial sorrows with a classic Bronx Cocktail and a few buttoned-down gossip links, shall we?

Baby on Board (raincoaster)

Nicole Kidman could use a sammich (Lolebrity)

London Fashion Week is for the birds (Ayyyy)

I scream! (ManoloFood)

He should fit right in with Lindsay and Gadaffi (AgentBedhead)

Charlie Sheen too busy winning to retain custody of his kids (BusyBeeBlogger)

Justin Bieber sells out to rich witch doctor? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

A simple summit with Lady Gaga (CelebritySmack)

Robert Pattinson cheats on Tai (CelebVIPLounge)

Babies: totally Team Coco (CityRag)

Katie “Sue” Holmes (DailyStab)

Kim Kardashian, Saviour of Autotune (Earsucker)

Save Oprah! (FitFabCeleb)

Another sign Russia is in desperate straights (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Oh man, the ski lobby hates celebrities (HaveUHeard)

ScarJo publicly toejobs Sean Penn (INeedMyFix)

Oh Em Jee, the Oscars are about to get awesome (MathewGuiver)

Britney’s V shots (PoorBritney)

Sad Mugshot Xtina is sad (PopBytes)

Amanda Seyfried’s magically transforming Doc Martens (TheSkinny)

Five Angels, only two backsides among them (TheSkinnyChic)