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A Jennifer Aniston Sandwich

Aniston De Rossi DeGeneris

Aniston De Rossi DeGeneris

I know Aniston has her fans, and the only Vanity Fair magazine I have failed to buy in the last twenty years was the one with her on the cover, because it sold out, but I’m over that. So over that. I don’t blame anyone. Particularly not Jennifer Freaking Aniston. Noooo, not me.

Where was I? Oh, right, explaining why I ran this picture although I get on with Jen about as well as Angelina. Except Jen doesn’t know I’m alive. But other than that, the same.

I ran this picture because:

a) anything with Aniston is a guaranteed hit machine. Wouldn’t be surprised if she’s hired an army of Indian IT grads to sit there and churn out scripts to keep reloading pages with her on them.

b) it has Portia de Rossi in it, and I got her book Unbearable Lightness for Christmas and it is quite literally the best celebrity-written book I’ve ever read, not counting Stephen Fry’s, because Stephen Fry is not a celebrity, he is a demigod.

I’d no idea she was in law school when she broke for Hollywood, achieving near-instant success, nor any idea she’d been a child model. Nor that when she starred in the very enjoyable caper film Falsa Identidad (Who Is Cletus Tout?) she weighed less than 85 pounds, and passed out in the makeup chair. At one point in the book she mentioned how grateful she was to the wardrobe department at Ally McBeal for designing ingenious pads to round out her pants and skirts, so she didn’t look emaciated on-camera.

She never once thought of herself as anorexic or bulimic. She thought she was a “gym rat” who was concerned with fitness. She defined being in good shape as lying in her bed with one knee stacked on the other: if the thighs didn’t touch, she was fit. She was also less than a hundred pounds. Intervention after intervention went by without making a dent on her skewed self-image.

You’ll have to buy the book to find out how this A student, successful model, Hollywood A lister, and deeply reflective woman learned to identify, then overcome, a form of self-torture that she had been perfecting since she was twelve years old. Buy it. Anorexic or not, there are lessons in it for all of us.

Miley Cyrus’s Strange Attraction

Miley Cyrus Beyond Thunderdome

Miley Cyrus Beyond Thunderdome

Something told her it had been a mistake to pair this outfit with the trendy new magnetic nail polish.

Friday Caption Contest Results: Double Demi Edition

We’re catching up slowly but surely on the backlog, and have been so drugged up with Nyquil and Dayquil and Duskquil and Dawnquil that we didn’t even realize we’d done two Demis in a row (does that sum to one whole Hemi?). Nor that we had slipped into the second-person plural. So without further ado or further medication, we present our double Demi prizewinners:

Demi Lovato

Demi Lovato

Klee
December 2, 2012 at 10:45 am  #

After her first hook-up with Spiderman, Mary Jane experienced some odd side effects….

Congratulations and imaginary swag, as always, to multi-time-winner Klee! To celebrate her triumph we hypothetically present this beautiful, and entirely virtual, Carltonware Spiderweb Demitasse set. Cheers!

Carltonware spiderweb demitasse

Carltonware spiderweb demitasse

And now, for our second contest: Demi Moore.

Demi Moore

Demi Moore

Natalie Anne Lanoville December 8, 2012 at 10:58 pm #

Tired of going commando in the hopes of being snapped for cootersightings.com, Demi Moore settles for a side-eye from her daughter’s sax instructor.

Kudos and imaginary swag to Natalie, who has once again taken the prize. Bonus points for not cellulite-shaming.To honour her victory, we hypothetically present the virtual, and highly body-conscious, Royal Doulton Biltmore Demitasse Cup & Saucer. Make your kids green with envy!

Friday Caption Contest: Demi Does Art Basel Edition

I believe this is the first GIF we’ve featured as our Friday Caption Contest. You know what to do, so do it in the comments.

Demi Moore

Demi Moore

Sey WHAT???

Amanda Seyfried Les Miz Premiere

Amanda Seyfried Les Miz Premiere

We need to have a little chat with Amanda Seyfried’s stylist. Congratulations on the cantilevering job up top (sponsored by Wonderbra?), but down below it appears that someone couldn’t make up her mind between going as a flamenco dancer or an ice dancer. The extra-floppy hip flange looking like the underside of a mushroom with a tumor is just overkill.

Saturday Caption Contest: Demi Lovato Edition

After a false start, we’re back and over the Death Flu of Death, so here’s our latest slightly delayed Caption Contest. You know what to do; do it in the comments section to this vision of fresh-faced beauty, Demi Lovato.

Demi Lovato

Demi Lovato

 

Friday Caption Contest Results: SJP Unfortunate Headgear Edition

Well, after languishing in my tepid dungeon of an apartment with the flu for two weeks, this was a great welcome back. Lots of great captions; it seems there’s nobody who doesn’t want to hate on SJP and her stupid headgear. But, as always, there can be only one winner, and here it is:

SJP WTF

Emerson
November 16, 2012 at 9:03 pm #

I had A LOT of good times with my dignity. Great times. But you gotta move on, you know?

Congratulations and imaginary swag to first time entrant, first time winner Emerson. And what fabulous imaginary swag shall we hypothetically present? How about a platinum and diamond Mickey Mouse bracelet (yes, this exists)? I don’t know what’s so Mickey Mouse about a six thousand dollar price tag, but then again, the House of the Mouse did earn a billion dollars every three months last year.

Disney Ring

Disney Ring

Friday Caption Contest: SJP unfortunate headgear edition

You know what to do. Do it in the comments section for fame and fabulous, completely imaginary prizes.

SJP WTF

SJP WTF

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