Some people will do ANYTHING to get a part, I’m telling you. Playing politics is a big part of Hollywood, I guess.

Obama has Osama’s paperwork (raincoaster)

We need a decision: which of these classic beauties wore it better (Ayyyy)

Karl Lagerfeld brings the chocolate…if not the taste (ManoloFood)

Mission Accomplished 2.0 (Lolebrity)

Can we get Hamlet updated for bodybuilders? Yes, yes we can. (AgentBedhead)

Can Obama protect us from Charlie Sheen, Free Agent? (BusyBeeBlogger)

Can he get us a good, cheap date? Or do we have to stoop to this date-bidding site? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

PARDON RICK SPRINGFIELD!!! (CelebritySmack)

Can Obama provide a DNA sample? We’re trying to figure out who fathered January Jones’ child (CelebVIPLounge)

Bieber safety: an international concern. Should we take it to the UN? (DailyStab)

Declare Beckam’s Birthday a national holiday! (DippedinCream)

SAVE JENNIFER HUDSON! She is headed for oblivion! (EarSucker)

Can Obama get Miley Cyrus to keep it in her pants? (FitFabCeleb)

Ban the ballcap! Celebrities can afford better, surely? (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Can Obama capture the Canadian terrorist Justin Bieber (HaveUHeard)

In the name of all that is holy, STOP THE CELEBRITY NEPOTISM (HollywoodHiccups)

Can Obama save little Jaden Smith from a life of child labour? (INeedMyFix)

Can he get me an invitation to Goldie Hawn’s ranch, too? (MathewGuiver)

Will he appoint Britney Ambassador? (PoorBritney)

Can we lock Lohan up and throw away the key? (PopBytes)

America needs heroes like these! (SwoonWorthy)

Fight hunger! Feed the celebrities! (TheSkinny)

I think it’s pretty clear there can be but one cocktail accompaniment to this, and that is a Naked Martini, otherwise known as gin, straight up (note not neat; “straight up” is shaken or stirred over ice to put a little water and oxygen into it, and gets it nice and cold, and now your cocktail trivia lesson for today is at an end).

And now, your gossip links, including the one from which I stole that picture:

And this is what happened to Steve Jobs, Viggo Mortensen and Julian Assange (raincoaster)

Help poor John Galliano find another job! (Ayyyy)

Winedown with Jean-Georges! (ManoloFood)

I am Woman, Hear me roar! (Lolebrity)

He’d better never date Jessica Simpson (AgentBedhead)

“Hustler?” Gee, I knew she was looking for work, but golly! (BusyBeeBlogger)

We should feel sorrier for her because she’s wearing THAT (CelebDirtyLaundry)

The Empress of Lucite just got some more plastic (CelebritySmack)

Lock up your lesbians! Xtina is single! (DailyStab)

America is a Miley-free zone? (EarSucker)

Gee, Catherine Zeta-Jones, haven’t seen much of you lately, comparatively speaking (FitFabCeleb)

PWND! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

We LOST track of Evangeline Lilly (HollywoodHiccups)

Gwyneth Paltrow’s hip bones make the cover of Self (INeedMyFix)

Marilyn Manson official scrapes the bottom of the barrel (MathewGuiver)

Because nobody watches Britney vids for the singing (PoorBritney)

RIP Mr. Tiger Beat (Swoonworthy)

What does “Virgin Marathon” even mean? You hold out till marriage? (TheSkinny)

It was the jacket, wasn’t it? (TheSkinnyChic)

Eva Longoria gets 4 from the French Judge

Convinced she could stick the landing, Eva Longoria instead did a faceplant instead of a triple at GMA. Her fans claim the contest was fixed, but it’s a cinch that anyone with that kind of figure was skating on thin ice with this look.

Speaking of ice, let’s drop some into a tumbler and enjoy a Triple Lutz cocktail while perusing some links that probably should be put on ice before they swell.

Stupid Girl is sick in the head (raincoaster)

This has medicinal value (ManoloFood)

That’s a very strange growth (Ayyyy)

Beaker needs a tiger blood infusion (Lolebrity)

Canadian cancer faker free? (Gawker)

Giselle gets an unsatisfactory scan (AgentBedhead)

Bringing the Bird back from Beyond (BusyBeeBlogger)

RescussiAnnie has some competition from Charlie Sheen (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Baby On Board! (CelebritySmack)

She’s not wearing her blue gown, doctor! (CelebVIPLounge)

Which is why they call the front row Gynecology Row (DailyStab)

If she thinks she’s A-list, she needs her head examined (EarSucker)

Who needs a mammogram when you have THIS shirt? (FitFabCeleb)

I don’t care what he says, he still looks like a junkie (GirlsTalkinSmack)

100 days of sobriety? (HaveUHeard)

RIP (HollywoodHiccups)

The uterus that ATE a Promising Career! (INeedMyFix)

Rihanna’s PET scan results are internet-ready (MathewGuiver)

Britney’s body rumours put to rest? (PoorBritney)

Ferraris are like hemorrhoids (PopBytes)

Let’s give Paul Rudd his birthday wish to cure cancer (Swoonworthy)

She’s only five pounds away from being Mister Bones hanging in the corner of the lab (TheSkinny)

Making it easy for the nurse practitioner’s examination (TheSkinnyChic)

Mystery Flapper is where Karl Lagerfeld stole his fan?

Guesses in the comments, and while you’re pondering, I suggest you enjoy a tasty and nutritious Strawberry Flapper and some gossip links:

The most epic post in the history of epicosity! (raincoaster)

Brando prepares for his greatest role (ManoloFood)

Lindsay Lohan SANS FARDS (Ayyyy)

Harry Potter and the Slash of Fandom (Lolebrity)

Nicole Kidman’s been swallowed by a python (AgentBedhead)

And her baby is all, “Wasn’t SATC ten years ago? Whatever, Mom.” (BusyBeeBlogger)

So does three quarters of Louisiana, but that won’t make it happen (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Xtina has the hiccups (CelebDirtyLaundry)

OH MY GOD I AM SUDDENLY SO HAPPY AND DUMB. AND HAPPY!!!1!! (DailyStab)

Won’t you spare a thought for the poor reality show millionaires? (EarSucker)

What Beaker Saw (cannot be unseen, I warned you!) (FitFabCeleb)

No, Justin, that’s not what she meant by the Burning Bush (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Kirstie Alley not immune to gravity (HaveUHeard)

L. Ron Jr is five! (HollywoodHiccups)

Amy Winehouse put a ring on it (INeedMyFix)

The Oddest Couple (MathewGuiver)

Then she took some gigolo to Disneyland (PoorBritney)

Garey Busey almost gets Meatloafed (PopBytes)

I don’t know who this is, but I want it (SwoonWorthy)

Tara Reid still clinging to life, relevance (TheSkinny)

On the other hand, how much do most 90-year-olds make? (TheSkinnyChic)

Fred Astaire loved his shoes

Strangely for a man of his era, but not-so-strangely for a trained athlete, Fred strongly maintained that he had no favorite drink, so I suppose when we salute Fred we will have to do it with an elegant dancing slipper full of imaginary Champagne. He may not have known much about alcohol, but he obviously knew from shoes, and for that we honour him.

And then trudge right on to our tawdry, drunken gossip links. *hic*

The secret of Rebecca Black’s success (raincoaster)

Happy Birthday, Brando (ManoloFood)

Show of hands! (Ayyyy)

The Great Game? (Lolebrity)

in the same way diarrhea is explosive (AgentBedhead)

Mae West could tame anything (BusyBeeBlogger)

Celebrity Apprentice roundup (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Elizabeth Hurley is back, bitches! (CelebritySmack)

The Ambiguously Gay Duo IRL (CelebVIPLounge)

Maybe we should drop HIM on Benghazi? (DailyStab)

But you couldn’t pay her to listen (EarSucker)

Billy Ray bought the first one! (FitFabCeleb)

OMG it’s like stretch pants got marked down at Walmart! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Heidi Klum slimed! (HaveUHeard)

Crackers, Jack. (HollywoodHiccups)

Lindsay Lohan typecast (INeedMyFix)

It’s like if Mad Max Thunderdome had cheerleaders (MathewGuiver)

Just how Fatale is Britney? (PoorBritney)

He could slime me anytime (SwoonWorthy)

OMG fatty fat fatties! (TheSkinny)

Lois Aldrin rocks the bedazzled Canadian Tuxedo

Yay! Look everybody: it’s Ayyyy favorite Lois Aldrin, with her trophy husband, Buzz. It’s always nice to see a familiar face, even if the eyes are getting farther and farther apart.

Toast Lois and her boytoy with a few Leather and Lace shooters. Lois would do a tray of these entirely hands-free, you know she would.

I’d be the filling in a Steve Jobs/Jeff Goldblum sandwich (Lolebrity)

The Lord of the Kingdom of the Undead does not approve of this floozy (Ayyyy)

Roundup of news from Japan (raincoaster)

Matthew McConaughey is turning into a greyhound before our eyes (AgentBedhead)

Joan Jett is better than RedBull (BusyBeeBlogger)

Olivia Wilde thinks she can upgrade from an Italian prince (CelebDirtyLaundry)

She looks like Crispin Glover in an Edith Prickley costume (CelebritySmack)

Lindsay Lohan will stop at nothing (CelebrityVIPLounge)

Charlie Sheen, Celebrity Chef? (DailyStab)

Disney is REALLY scraping the bottom of the barrel (EarSucker)

They may be immortal, but they’re still not taking any chances (FitFabCeleb)

Scary clownceleb faces (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Celebrities care! Or at least fake it plausibly! (HaveUHeard)

The latest in celebrity injustices (HollywoodHiccups)

Tony Dunzo (INeedMyFix)

Justin Timberlake has a new plus one (MathewGuiver)

Martha Stewart is a surrogramma (TheSkinny)

See? A law-abiding seatbelt wearer

Also, I have a bit of a thing for plausible, real-world Bond villains. Why don’t you try to talk some sense into me over a couple of Vesper Martinis?

The Booze Reaper (Manolofood)

V for Vogue! (Ayyyy)

Dr Drew’s got 99 problems (Lolebrity)

James Bond in drag (raincoaster)

The latest has-been to pull a Joaquin Phoenix (AgentBedhead)

Hunk dumps troll (BusyBeeBlogger)

Thetans Strike Back! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

OMG a celebrity who’s clean? (CelebrityVIPLounge)

Mariah Carey’s night of mommyglamour (CelebritySmack)

But will she be naked or neurotically sweary? Enquiring minds want to know (DailyStab)

Appearing on FunnyOrDie is not “Winning” (EarSucker)

Robert Pattinson run off the road (FitFabCeleb)

Arwen vs Kanye (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Latest Awful Celebrity Couple (HaveUHeard)

Putting the “hipster” in “Vampire” (HollywoodHiccups)

I guess I’m not getting that job then (INeedMyFix)

Brad, those shades are the Pitts (MathewGuiver)

Britney vs Bullies (PoorBritney)

Theft tapes are the new sex tapes (TheSkinnyChic)

Diddy? Oh yes he DID!

Are you WINNING? Diddy sure is, and PWNING too. BOOM!

RIP OD (CelebritySmack)

REM RT (CelebrityVIPLounge)

WINNING! photoshops (CityRag)

SO FAR, Demi. So far… (DailyStab)

Adele is pro-gossip (DippedInCream)

Everybody but me has a book deal and a sex tape (EarSucker)

Three planets that size make a solar plexus system (FitFabCeleb)

Remember Lily Allen? (GirlsTalkinSmack)

One gets Africa, one gets New York? (HaveUHeard)

Aw man, don’t bling that thing! (HollywoodHiccups)

They have country music in Belgium? (INeedMyFix)

Roseanne Barr and Charlie Sheen? (MathewGuiver)

KFed/FedX Xpands (PoorBritney)

“Country Music’s newest star” (PopBytes)

TURBAN SIGHTING!!! (TheSkinny)

Bikini baby bump (TheSkinnyChic)

Mubarak Chic: yes, you can judge a book by its cover

Truly has it been said that fascists generally have the best uniforms. When it comes to fallen dictators, however, the same is not true. Look at Hosni Mubarak here, former president of Egypt and current homeless dude. Never mind the cut of his jib, we can tell he’s earned those stripes. It may look like a regular old pinstripe suit, but if God is in the details I’d have to say this qualifies as blasphemy, because those stripes are actually made up of his name, printed over and over. Of such gaudy heights of self-aggrandizement may the average Mafiosi only dream.

Speaking of gaudy pinstripes, let’s drown our sartorial sorrows with a classic Bronx Cocktail and a few buttoned-down gossip links, shall we?

Baby on Board (raincoaster)

Nicole Kidman could use a sammich (Lolebrity)

London Fashion Week is for the birds (Ayyyy)

I scream! (ManoloFood)

He should fit right in with Lindsay and Gadaffi (AgentBedhead)

Charlie Sheen too busy winning to retain custody of his kids (BusyBeeBlogger)

Justin Bieber sells out to rich witch doctor? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

A simple summit with Lady Gaga (CelebritySmack)

Robert Pattinson cheats on Tai (CelebVIPLounge)

Babies: totally Team Coco (CityRag)

Katie “Sue” Holmes (DailyStab)

Kim Kardashian, Saviour of Autotune (Earsucker)

Save Oprah! (FitFabCeleb)

Another sign Russia is in desperate straights (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Oh man, the ski lobby hates celebrities (HaveUHeard)

ScarJo publicly toejobs Sean Penn (INeedMyFix)

Oh Em Jee, the Oscars are about to get awesome (MathewGuiver)

Britney’s V shots (PoorBritney)

Sad Mugshot Xtina is sad (PopBytes)

Amanda Seyfried’s magically transforming Doc Martens (TheSkinny)

Five Angels, only two backsides among them (TheSkinnyChic)

Sigh. George, what went wrong?

That’s my boy. Very few people know that back in ’92 and ’93 I was actually a founding member of the George Stephanopoulos Fan Club, and a contributor to their monthly newsletter, the Stephanopouletter. My copy of The War Room has nearly worn out from being watched every 4th of July. I saw him in person at the Vancouver Summit, where I looked up from my glamorous work unloading the coffee for Starbucks, saw him, and froze. It’s not too often I’ve had my breath taken away, but that was one of those times. An American Secret Service agent who’d no doubt seen this happen to dozens of hapless women walked over and said, “That’s George Stephanopoulos. But he’s not old enough to date.”

Le Sigh.

Where was I? Oh, right. In the spirit of bipartisanship I’ll try to remember to feature a picture of Young John McCain at some point in the future, or you can just cheat and click through for that.

And now, the gossip links!

Julian Assange’s new do (raincoaster)

Shut UP, Emma Watson (Lolebrity)

Guess the gap-toothed guy (Ayyyy)

Our WORLD EXCLUSIVE lasted exactly one day (ManoloFood)

Stayin’ Alive? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (AgentBedhead)

The baby’s first word was “rhinoplasty” (BusyBeeBlogger)

Jimmy Buffetted! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Have YOU ever been upstaged by your own dress? (CelebritySmack)

Paris Hilton shows you her puppies (CityRag)

But which one is MegaShark and which is Gatoroid? (DailyStab)

Never before has spandex restrained so much for so little purpose (FitFabCeleb)

Gag (GirlsTalkinSmack)

So she was single in the sense that nobody would be seen with her? (HaveUHeard)

Jon Cryer is no different from anybody else (INeedMyFix)

Sad, gender-confused Britney (PoorBritney)

The CougarTown drinking game! (SeriouslyOMG)

Related articles

• Bipartisanship Ho? John McCain Tells Stephanopoulos ‘We Can Work With This’ (mediaite.com)