Courtney Stodden, we have an early Christmas present for you: a trip in a time machine…Click onward to see the future.
Even when she’s borrowing her son’s girlfriend’s clothes to accompany him on the red carpet, Ryan Gosling’s mother Donna never lets him forget where he came from.
PS I had surgery once, and as I slowly came out of the anaesthetic I said to my mother, who was wearing a belt in that exact shade of yellow-brown, “Where did you ever find a belt to match those diarrhoea coloured pants you have?” She later told me, “That’s when I knew you were gonna be okay. You were yourself again.”
We’re catching up slowly but surely on the backlog, and have been so drugged up with Nyquil and Dayquil and Duskquil and Dawnquil that we didn’t even realize we’d done two Demis in a row (does that sum to one whole Hemi?). Nor that we had slipped into the second-person plural. So without further ado or further medication, we present our double Demi prizewinners:
After her first hook-up with Spiderman, Mary Jane experienced some odd side effects….
Congratulations and imaginary swag, as always, to multi-time-winner Klee! To celebrate her triumph we hypothetically present this beautiful, and entirely virtual, Carltonware Spiderweb Demitasse set. Cheers!
And now, for our second contest: Demi Moore.
Tired of going commando in the hopes of being snapped for cootersightings.com, Demi Moore settles for a side-eye from her daughter’s sax instructor.
Kudos and imaginary swag to Natalie, who has once again taken the prize. Bonus points for not cellulite-shaming.To honour her victory, we hypothetically present the virtual, and highly body-conscious, Royal Doulton Biltmore Demitasse Cup & Saucer. Make your kids green with envy!
Someone aught to tell poor Courtney that the casting call for the Red Queen is long over. Also that the woman sleeping with the director had it locked up from the beginning. Also, that if you’ve lost so much weight your implants are getting smaller, you need to eat a sammich.
Also, don’t be so shelfish.
Italian designer Marta Marzotto is indeed the epitome of fierce, and if you doubt it, she will most likely shiv a bitch, this ex-Countess having been sentenced to hard prison time for blithely making off with her almost-stepson’s patrimony. As if that weren’t enough, she’s related to my beloved Lapo! Why, she’s like a lost Gabor sister! Who’s to say those booties don’t conceal a tracking anklet of some kind? Just as soon as I reconfigure the DEW Line to trace Julian Assange’s movements, I’ll take a quick peek around Milan for Marta M. and let you know. We should probably keep an eye on this one.
She looks like she’d take her vodka neat, so let’s toast this crazy old cougar with some Cougar Juice Vodka and some gossip links.
Bagel BBQ FTW! (ManoloFood)
Ben Affleck, ironic hairpiece wearer (BusyBeeBlogger)
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake stays Brooooooooooooooooooooke! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Mariah Carey is sefectly pober! (CelebritySmack)
Smoker Katy Perry, on addiction (CelebVIPLounge)
Lindsay Lohan, too, is serfectl – LISTEN PEOPLE IT’S SPELLED “Ketel One” AND IF I SEE ANOTHER “Kettle” I AM GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND GIVE YOU ONE OR TWO LUMPS WHERE IT’LL DO THE MOST GOOD OKAY????(EarSucker)
Harrison Ford is a GILF (FitFabCeleb)
6 celebrity pizzafaces (GirlsTalkinSmack)
RIP Amy Winehouse: no, Blaaaaake is not invited to the funeral (HollywoodHiccups)
Annalynne McCord could use a good seamstress (TheSkinny)
Jay-Z and Kanye want you to watch them on the throne? (TheSkinnyChic)
…and by “It” I mean dressing for her own book launch. Dressing to shop for hangover cures at 3am in Walmart? Yup, she’s got that aced, right down to the Cougar Soccer Mom capris and dishwater roots.
Let’s wash the memory of this noxious ensemble out of our brains with a Cranky Creamsicle cocktail and some gossip links.
Operation Global Media Domination: The Intellectual Situation Yay! Mai snob appeal: let me show u it! (raincoaster)
Pippa Middleton is Anglo-Canadian And, apparently, insufficiently matchy. Fixed it! (Ayyyy)
Beer Bottle Sabrage with Matt Stache Booze, boys and blades: a few of my favorite things (ManoloFood)
Ke$ha, Britney, and Paint Huffer Dude One of these things is not like the others, and when Britney looks like the sane one, you know you’re in trouble (Lolebrity)
How is the Summer of 2011 Shaping Up on TV? Not bad, actually. In related news, people still watch tv… (Crasstalk)
Carrie Bradshaw Math No matter how you add it up, it still doesn’t equal Manolos! (TheFrenemy)
Princess Beatrice’s hat has a higher net worth than you do. It is, in fact, becoming more fascinating by the minute and three of Prince Andrew’s exes have already asked it out. (AgentBedhead)
I don’t really know who this is, but I feel his pain. And he’s half-nekkid! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Lady Gaga found two suckers? That’s a sandwich I wouldn’t take a bite out of (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Linnocent will NOT be playing Carrie Bradshaw. Or Samantha either (CelebritySmack)
Annoying Taylor Swift is annoying even while annoyingly raising money for charity. How annoying. (CelebVIPLounge)
Cannes you find a plausible excuse to look at all these butts? Sure you Cannes. (CityRag)
P!nk vs Pink. I wouldn’t take that bitch on for love nor money. (DailyStab)
Divorcing a Kennedy is expensive, eh Arnie? $200,000,000 or so, it appears. (EarSucker)
Japan has some taste! It deported 50% of the World’s Most Annoying Celebrity Couple. (FitFabCeleb)
Linnocent is smokin‘. Not hot. (GirlsTalkinSmack)
David Beckham invites you to give your opinion on his shirtless picture. Why not give it to him? (HaveUHeard)
Evangeline Lilly had a boy. And somewhere, a hobbit weeps quietly (HollywoodHiccups)
Justin Timberlake vs Justin Bieber! I call this for Mozart (INeedMyFix)
Your sad, cougarish aunt has a book launch…oh wait, that’s a celebrity! (MathewGuiver)
Britney Spears has conspiracy theories? Can’t these people go back to arguing about Roswell and leave Britney ALOOOOOONE? (PoorBritney)
Nobody lights up his life anymore. Yeah, I could have taken the high road with a suicide story, but he doesn’t deserve it. (PopBytes)
Eric Decker brings the awesome to twitpics. I’ll overlook the twee hipsterism that is Animal Hats just this once. (SwoonWorthy)
There’s just something about this skeevy bastard that I like. Maybe it’s that he’s a winning rally driver. Maybe it’s that he looks so intellectual, and dresses so Pool Shark. Maybe it’s that hell, it’s been a long time and … but there, I’ve said too much. And besides, I can’t run Prince Harry every week, can I?
Let’s toast to Adrien’s dream come true with a spirited round of Pool Shark, the Drinking Game and some gossip links.
Wine A-Z; the ultimate Go Cup! A jogging bra/wine skin combo? Why the hell not, my camelbak imbues my Sauv Blanc with aromas of Gatorade as it is. (Manolofood)
Van Gogh and Orcas Unicorn Chaser. Make your hump day a little smoother with soothing pictures of swirling stars and wild whales in Downtown Vangroover. Yes, orcas belong in a gossip roundup. I’m Canadian, dammit. (raincoaster)
Top That! Princess Beatrice’s amazing Hat of Hideousness (+10) is for sale on eBay to benefit children, if not onlookers (Ayyyy)
George Clooney chickens out. The television remake of Men Who Stare At Goats was disappointingly downscaled. (Lolebrity)
Life, Death, Violence, Barbie, and extremely mixed messages. I’m not exactly sure where the war crimes tribunal comes into it, but apparently it does, somewhere. Also: Ken is a draft dodger? (Crasstalk)
Dear God, Johnny Depp is a kinky beast. Taking a page from Chuck Berry, he made Penelope Cruz dress up as a … no, I can’t even say it. Seriously, nobody would put Salma Hayek through that. (AgentBedhead)
Is House getting evicted? Hugh Laurie has a great big, leaky mouth. There, take THAT image into your Bertie/Jeeves slash-thinking mind. (BusyBeeBlogger)
Yet another Jagger kid poses nekkid. Surely I thought we’d run out of these potato-faced wonders by now, but apparently not. Is “Club Kid” really a career choice? (CelebDirtyLaundry)
This is perhaps the most terrifying headline of all time, until you smack yourself in the head and say “IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU PERVERT” and move on. But still. (CelebritySmack)
Oh, Will Smith. It’s not the size: it’s how you use it! And using it to annoy an entire neighborhood is just Letting the Thetans Win. (CelebVIPLounge)
Bristol Palin, now surgically enhanced! But not improved: it wasn’t brain surgery, after all. (DailyStab)
Taylor Swift will out a bitch! This girl doesn’t exist off the record, and if you’re dating her, neither do you (EarSucker)
Lady Gaga is Asian? Golly, she MUST have had some serious work done; she doesn’t look it. (FitFabCeleb)
Owen Freaking Wilson and yeah, like, a bunch of other celebs in Cannes, but who gives a rat’s ass about them? Eh? OWEN WILSON! (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Jennifer Aniston’s steamy banana handling. Look ma, no hands! No desperation, either…that is so NOT the sound of faint weeping I hear. Nosiree Bob. (HaveUHeard)
L’innocent sentenced to live in mansion next door to coke connection. Poor thing. That’ll teach HER! (HollywoodHiccups)
Who’s the $100 million man? The one going around spreading herpes? Yeah, “That one who dated Paris Hilton” doesn’t really narrow it down any. (INeedMyFix)
Joan Rivers better watch her back: Kermit the Frog is after her job. The Red Carpet just got a little greener and a LOT cuter (PopBytes)
Adorable Prince Harry and adorable puppy being adorable. Adorbz! What are you still doing here? CLICKY CLICK CLICK! (Swoonworthy)
Caption the Gouvernator and his ex. I’m thinking something Harry Potter related. She reminds me of Emma Thompson’s character, the Divinology professor. (RightCelebrity)