Tori Spelling on ice

Thank GOD someone finally put that woman on ice. Then again, that’s what you do to try to sell old fish that’s past its best-before date.

And now, your gossip links for today:

Anger Management, with Kirk and Spock (raincoaster)

Why Gnott? Because it’s a CRAZY IDEA, DUDE! (ManoloFood)

Makeover vs Makeover (Ayyyy)

The literary world got Snooki’d (AgentBedhead)

Happy Feet, live (BusyBeeBlogger)

Messing with The Great American Novel is F—– up! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

JayLor broke up (CelebritySmack)

Cheeto-Rama! (CityRag)

Video proof Goopy CAN TOO sing (DListed)

Vanity Fair ran out of dead women to cover (GossipTeen)

Josh Groban’s new single is amazing (HaveUHeard)

Britney wants butt hair? (INeedMyFix)

Britney rocks the “chemo headband” look (PoorBritney)

She’s in, she’s out, she’s in, she’s out, she’s a Lohan (PopBytes)

Truman Capote and Andy Warhol pose for publicity stills for their new Broadway show, Gay Apparel

Santa, baby! I don’t think a lollipop is a fair trade for that puppy Capote is tucking under your belt, but then, you know how I hate purse dogs.

Highly competitive actress Gwyneth Paltrow, pictured here at the Women in Hollywood tribute, leaned in and grabbed rival Hilary Swank, prior to powerfully flipping her coiffure-over-couture, as Swank begged for mercy. After that, she shotgunned a double vegan Apple Karate cocktail and proceeded to wipe the floor with poor Diane Keaton.

No stuffed animal would DARE do this to Gwyneth! (raincoaster)
Can’t you just see her doing this for little Moses? And little Chris? (Ayyyy)
Having Ms Paltrow for dinner? Try a gin marinade (ManoloFood)
Gwyneth wouldn’t be caught DEAD in that! (Lolebrity)
Another ice princess loses her prince (CelebrityBeehive)
Gwyneth Paltrow’s hard knock life (AgentBedhead)
Look, Gwyneth Paltrow’s sex life is none of our business (BusyBeeBlogger)
The only woman standing between Gwyneth Paltrow and her greatest dream (CeleBitchy)
Meanwhile, Gwyneth’s trashy alter personality lurks in LA (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Charlie Sheen’s night of debauchery in Gwyneth’s old room (CityRag)
Gwyneth only WISHES she looked this good (GirlsTalkingSmack)
Get your Goop on when you win these appliances (HaveUHeard)
Is this PattinClone good enough for Gwyneth? (INeedMyFix)

Sari about that: renowned ecdysiast Dirty Martini models perhaps the only example of a bondage sari in existence.

Here are your Dirty Martini emo links. Why am I so emo today? Read the last post and then mix a pitcher of Black Widows for yourself and me.

Underemployed Jedi single dad starts drinking early (Lolebrity)
Brian Atene is at the Nembutal and self-doubt again (raincoaster)
Brian Atene invented Superman Vodka, he’ll have you know (raincoaster media)
Here are two decorative, talented men as a sort of unicorn chaser (TeenyManolo)
This mystery man is filthy (ManoloMen)
Blohan blew it (AgentBedhead)
More Don Draper! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Paris Hilton says “Marriott? I wish I’d thought of buying it! I love Pocahontas!” (CeleBitchy)
As if the world didn’t have enough stupid things that make you want to die in it (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)
Hey Gaga, Scotch is fattening! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Well, alcohol IS a preservative (CelebritySmack)
Dita, NEVER get between me and the Cointreau (CojoStyle)
My god, what were they ON when they greenlighted this? (DailyStab)
THIS man is intoxicating! (DListed)
This is the only man perhaps more perfect than Jon Hamm (EvilBeet)
Hallelujah and pass the Jesus Juice! (GabbyBabble)
I thought what happened in Vegas stayed there? Is that too much to ask? (HaveUHeard)
Where was SuperHamm when THIS happened? (INeedMyFix)
What’s wrong with Drink, Bitch, Sulk? (JustJared)
Can even Jodie Foster’s might save Mel? (PerezHilton)
If Pink is a drunk I love her even more (PoorBritney)

and now, your cheer-em-up unicorn chaser featuring OK Go and Puppehs!

Behold the wonderment of Dolly Parton’s fashions of the 70′s (although with her, it’s as if time stands still, in a honky-tonk at a crossroads in small town in Alabama, about 1974):

via OMGBlog

Let’s face it, Dolly: you and I are the only ones who remember who Chesty Morgan was.

Are you a celebrity blogger who’d rather drink than link (and wouldn’t we all?) email me at raincoaster at gmail: I’m starting a linking service to do your work for you! And I’m working on an ad network to launch in the fall.

Eli Roth explains the VERY odd couple (Lolebrity)
The most Canadian story ever told (raincoaster)
2012 2.0 (AgentBedhead)
Katy Perry angling for a Spanx contract (AmyGrindhouse)
Brad Pitt will never be ugly enough to satisfy some people (CeleBitchy)
Mrs Brady to Dance with Stars! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Jennifer Aniston’s nude year (CityRag)
Will Forte Will Leave (DailyStab)
This is Britney’s fallback (DListed)
Michael Jackson’s legacy endangered! (HaveUHeard)
You used to have to pay $50 to watch this in a booth (INeedMyFix)
Hippo breeding patterns in New Jersey (IBBB)
You’ll pry the crocheted cowboy hat from her cold, dead, manicured hands (PerezHilton)

The divine Alan Cumming knows that if you have the panache, the red carpet can be the perfect background for something a little more…creative? eclectic? electric? than a penguin suit. I’m sorry, Agent Bedhead, you’ve got it ALL wrong; this look is all kinds of right (except the shoes; they’re just a titch too lesbian train mechanic, don’t you think?).

Are you a celebrity blogger who’d rather drink than link (and wouldn’t we all?) email me at raincoaster at gmail: I’m starting a linking service to do your work for you! And I’m working on an ad network to launch in the fall.

Pee-Wee Herman, Uneasy Rider (Ayyyy)
Billy still Idol (AgentBedhead)
Kiefer in a swimsuit…brb I need a moment… (BusyBeeBlogger)
Lock up your talcum powder! (CeleBitchy)
Vamps! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
This is the most hated woman on Earth (CelebritySmack)
Nudist Pudding Fight (CityRag)
are YOU on Cojo’s Best/worst Dressed list? (Cojostyle)
Tiger on the loose! (DailyStab)
are we SURE he wasn’t trying to flee instead? (GabbyBabble)
Little HGTV on the Prairie (GoFugYourself)
Cougars helping cougars (HaveUHeard)
George Michael guilty (INeedMyFix)
The Recapped Housewives of New Jersey (IBBB)
Michael Cera is That One Guy (Movieline)
Better Off Dead now better than ever! (SeriouslyOMG)

It’s about time we featured this hell-raiser. To the official World’s Coolest Canadian we raise a virtual shooter of Lotto 649: that’s a shot of the sixth bottle from the left, the fourth from the right, and the ninth from the left, mixed in a shooter.

Jennifer Aniston IS Cathy (Lolebrity)
The Divine Miss M (Farmer) (raincoaster)
Alexander Skarsgard is a closet preppy? (PopBytes)
U2.o (PerezHilton)
Frank? Harvey? (IBBB)
The Hoff to Host (HaveUHeard)
When tats collide! (DailyStab)
Richard Simmons’ pits of despair (CityRag)
Steven Tyler goes down on his audience (CelebritySmack)
Lilo’s caged heat (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Adam Lambert is an equal-opportunity diver (CelebrityFashionWatcher)
Gabriel Aubrey in bed (CeleBitchy)
This man has oral talents (BusyBeeBlogger)
Britney is a GleekTweep (AmyGrindhouse)
Necrophilia is the new black (AgentBedhead)

I’ve held off giving this man his own Hump Day linkage, on the justifiable grounds that anyone dating Peaches Geldof must going through a terribly dark period of his life and deserves a little space, but then I thought, what the hell, maybe a little mild sexual objectification would cheer him up? And a reader sent me this, described at the only bearable 15 seconds of his appearance on Leno:

By the way, our honorary, virtual cocktail for today is the Pink Hound, which is a pink version of the classic Greyhound, ie vodka with pink grapefruit juice and ice, served in a tall glass. My current diet version consists of a tall glass, ice, and pink grapefruit juice diluted with half water. FML.

Are you a celebrity blogger who’d rather drink than link (and wouldn’t we all?) email me at raincoaster at gmail:
I’m starting a linking service to do your work for you! And I’m working on an ad network to launch in the fall.

The Cosby Family: the resemblance is strong with these ones (Lolebrity)
The hideous, unspeakable truth about purse dogs! (raincoaster)
I can’t pick a side in this bitchfight (AgentBedhead)
Nope, those are not Sandra Bullock’s thighs fraternizing with the enemy (AllieIsWired)
Beckham’s back (BusyBeeBlogger)
Who knew Teri Hatcher was a Klingon? (CeleBitchy)
Paris Hilton’s hairy situation (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Rush Limbaugh’s big fat fourth wedding (CelebritySmack)
Eye spy some bad plastic surgery (CityRag)
Hey Rod Stewart! How’s it hanging? (CojoStyle)
Kim Kardashian, Kougar (DailyStab)
DRad is the perfect man (Gawker)
Eat, Pray, Love Javier Bardem (HaveUHeard)
The world’s worst marriage proposal? (IBBB)
Simon Cowell’s shadow puppet army vs Roger Ebert (PerezHilton)
Uh-oh. Britney goes Gaga! (PoorBritney)
Twitter is toying with Jimmy Kimmel (SeriouslyOMG)