“OMG, a police raid! Quick, wipe that stuff off your snout and flush it all down the toilet!”
“Awwww maaan! Now I’ll have to do another month in fake rehab. I hope they provide me with a personal shopper this time round.”
Because you know the real thing would have contracted herpes and have had to be put down.
There was no purloining of expensive designer coats but nonetheless the celebrations were as splashy as only a celebrity can do:
The world-famous polar bear Knut turned one on Wednesday and polished off a giant fish cake at a birthday party in Berlin Zoo that was broadcast live on German television in a testimony to his star status.
Hundreds of children gathered at the zoo, some with birthday cards for the bear that became a tourist magnet after he was rejected by his mother and rescued from her cage by a keeper a year ago.
And from this telling passage, we are also able to draw some arresting parallels between two past-their-prime celebrities whose birthdays fall in the same week:
But the rush to see the bear slowed as he began to put on weight and lost his cute looks. Knut now weighs a hefty 115 kilogrammes (253 pounds) and is no longer snow white.
As school children serenaded him on Wednesday, N-TV television news channel remarked that the crowds of visitors for his birthday were now an exception, reminiscent of the old days.
“In the case of this redneck’s five-month old joey, you are….NOT the father!”
“I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW IT!!! *does cartwheels* I knew that ho had been sleepin’ around! Dat baby dun look nuthin’ like me!”
“NOOOOOOO!!! *rolls into fetal position* NOOOOO!!!! I was 1327% sure he was my baby daddy!”
RIP, Big Martha (FromScratch)
What the stars are mouthing silently (TheLiteraryPursuit)
Today in Job Satisfaction News: Paris Hilton imitator sick of Paris Hilton too! (AgentBedhead)
Mike Tyson does the pokey hokey-pokey. You put your right cross in, you take your right cross out… (GabbyBabble)
Heidi Montag cute, stacked, delusional (FatbackAndCollards)
Dennis Quaid’s babies overdosed! (HolyCandy)
Pamela Anderson is exquisite, corpse-like, strangely tentacled (GalleryOfTheAbsurd)
Kate Moss stays classy, threatens Sienna Miller at a drunken party (FemaleFirst)
Ben- congratulates -Nnifer on her pregnancy (CelebritySmack)
Munchkins get their star (Popbytes)
Interspecies compassion (CityRag)
Lachey is back, biotches! (DailyStab)
Beyonce’s booty is back (GoFugYourself)
Johnny Depp sings the hits of the Seventies: the Eighteen-Seventies! (EvilBeet)
Will Ferrell has a murder-boner (FunnyOrDie)
The Bachelor stays single (Defamer)
Audience freakouts are Oprah’s Favorite Thing (Jezebel)
Yet another angle on the Jen vs Angie thing! Isn’t that so last year? (HuffPo)
Dear Rachel Bilson, quit stalking me (Craigslist)
How quickly the cute and charming cubs of yesteryear mature into seemingly loutish brutes, content to indulge in the bloated excesses of celebrity life.
“I am so so so so glad the worst day of the year is finally over”.
“Tell me about it. I won’t be able to sit down for a week.”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t go JORJAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! We LOVE You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CSI is NOTHING without SARA SIDLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“No, no you’ve got it all wrong. It’s quick-quick-slow-quick-quick-slow, cross body lead, switch, open break, back spot turn, cross body again, kick swivel, right side pass and THEN open hip twist.”
“Sigh. Mark Cuban makes it look so easy.”
You so know that if this was Vanessa Hudgens or Meg White or Oscar De La Hoya, this post would be getting way more hits.
Source: Flickr.com
