We have found our perfect spirit animal. He is sleek. He is chic. He is petit. And he is probably worth about $150 a pelt to the Europeans.

ribbon seal

Despite being a He rather than a She, this arctic ribbon seal that showed up, somehow, a mile upriver from the Pacific near Seattle must nonetheless be acknowledged to embody the same light-hearted yet rigorous line as the creations of fabled Sixties icon André Courrèges. We will let him keep his coat, even as we admire it, for lo, we’ve always felt we were of insufficient angularity to carry off the stark contrasts of black and white, much though we may admire them.

We shall call him André!

Courreges

Instead of this:

Snow matter

Buy this:

Yes. A $190, completely empty snow globe from Maison Martin Margiela. It perfectly represents our time: the emperor got dressed and put his hood up.

You can tell she's a Canadian model because she's smiling

I keep telling people that Canadians are the most passive-aggressive people in the world (why else do you think we’re so polite? To set up the zings better) and nobody believes me. Maybe after reading this tale of tears, treachery, and trickery at Vancouver Fashion Week, you’ll take my word for it.

Noël’s inexperience with financial administration resulted in an embarrassingly public scandal—on October 2 of 2009, credit card fraud allegations shut down BC Fashion Week mid-runway show, under the supervision of RCMP officers…[literally, they busted up the show and took to the runway. No word on whether or not they "sashayed"]

Perhaps chief among the practical problems is the way Vancouver Fashion Week presents itself as a recognized “global platform for designers, buyers, media representatives, and sponsors,” but its early November dates position it too late in the season for the aforementioned all-important fashion buyers. Add to this the fact that the self-described “global platform” is frequently derided as having “high school” production values, including the fact that last year, aspiring models were “hired” via Craigslist. “I was paid $700 [in total] to model in their first year,” says one London-based catwalker familiar with the Vancouver scene, “and I think that was the last year they paid anyone.”

No wonder we’re the third worst-dressed city in the world.

Vanessa Hudgens Slips Up

Oh Vanessa. Yes, your movie career tanked pretty fast, but has it really come to this? Are those real slippers, or one dark night did you just cut down an old pair of Uggs in a self-hating, Avril Lavigne-blaring frenzy? At least you have some pride: you’re a $975 Alexander Wang bag lady (retail).

Oh, SNAP!

Emma Watson is thrilled to debut Burberry Prorsum’s new Matrix dress, with the flying harness already built in! Should take the toil right out of those tedious thestral-riding scenes.

Asher Levine street superhero look

And for the not-so-tender tootsies:

Asher Levine boot for all your ass kicking needs

but occasionally even the most brilliant and beloved of designers has That Moment. You know, That Moment of Inspiration where he suddenly sees something truly new, unique, daring…and someone should have leaned over and whispered “No.”

And That Moment when you think it’s a good idea to festoon the torso with an intricate filigree of intestines? That, my friend, IS That Moment.

Mai showldar colons: let me show u dem

Just offal.

Here are some back-issue winners and their fabulous, completely imaginary prizes:

DVF is a birdbrain

lali
April 7, 2011 at 12:02 am

Diane von Furstenberg models a Thanksgiving hat from her Autumn/Winter 2011 collection

Congrats and imaginary swag to lali, a first-time winner. To celebrate her mighty triumph, we virtually present the Oscar de la Renta Feather Cashmere/Silk Knit Top. Hopefully it’s her size.

Next up, we have everybody’s favorite Dorothy Parker channeler/Galactic and Hollywood princess, Carrie Fisher, looking like Ozzie Osbourne losing big at an online casino.

Carrie, Fisher of souls

dr nic

April 9, 2011 at 8:37 am

Dang, no Force Lightning this time either.

Kudos and imaginary swag to dr nic! To commemorate his her momentous triumph, we hypothetically present the entirely virtual and presumably protective against imaginary forces chainmail bandana and a whack of lightsaber lessons with New York Jedi.

Finally, we have our Zeta female, Catherine Zeta-Jones, looking like she’s starring in the softcore version of Zardoz (I’d watch that, provided they didn’t pair her with the 70-something Sean Connery).

Catherine Zeta-Jones starred

Frontier Former Editor
April 16, 2011 at 6:35 am

“To access your T-Mobile account information, press star star . . . .”

We’ll just give him a moment to collect himself. Sometimes men come unglued in the presence of true star power.

Better? Okay, to FFE, a returning champ, we hypothetically present the very Zeta-Jonesworthy weapon of mass destruction, the Flos Table Gun Table Lamp.

That’s right: just like Halston and many another poor sap before him, the Fashion Troll sold his name to a company that has a different set of priorities, priorities that apparently don’t include employing someone radioactive just because he’s also jaw-droppingly talented. While the fashion world is all a-Twitter about the question of who will be doing Galliano in a world which still, you know, contains Galliano, we here in the Manolosphere are more interested in what will happen to the once-mighty Troll when the (no doubt fabulous) rubber hits the road.

Since he’s apparently unemployable in the fashion world, let’s play Employment Counselor and see what potential professions would suit the erstwhile toast of Paris.

PR is obviously out.

Hello, Sailor! John Galliano is fit for an Olive Oyl

Sailor? Possibly, but it’s awfully hard to patrol the Mediterranean while simultaneously avoiding Israel.

Work it for dear life!

Model? Too short, too fat, too ugly, as he would tell himself after a few drinks. He’d probably also kick in “too Jewish” for good measure, although I don’t think it ever hurt Shalom Harlow any.

King? Kong!

King/Dictator For Life? Ask Mubarak or Gaddafi: dictators and absolute monarchs are SO 20th Century.

I don't know what that look is, other than deranged and vaguely fabulous

Some sort of Afghani toreador? Sorry, John, I think they used all the bulls in Afghanistan to clear minefields.

But can he type?

Newsie? They do say a straight line is the shortest distance between two points, and his infamous line was one of the straightest we’ve ever heard from the man, but as it didn’t succeed in bringing them closer, we say he fails on both sentence structure and geometry.

John Galliano IS a rake

Farmer? Not down-to-earth enough. Rake? Possibly, possibly. Is there money in that?

Galliano and Uncle Karl

Plus one? I’ve tried this, and you may be shocked, but it’s not that easy to make a living at it. The Diva Diet is notoriously hard on your liver. Also, you think he’s still going to be Uncle Karl’s plus one? He’ll be lucky to be seen in a Twitpic with Tara Reid.

John Galliano understudies Liza

Road show of Cabaret?

John Galliano demonstrates how the mother bird feeds her little model

Ornithology nutrition specialist? Model dietitian?

Hello. My Name is John Galliano. You keeled my career. Prepare to die!

Rapie— you know, I’m not gonna finish that one.

Is that a paperback in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Filthy magazine vendor?

Duuuude!

Stoner? I think this one may win Most Likely To.

Asshatstronaut?

This could be a winner, folks. I don’t imagine at this point we’d encounter too much opposition to the idea of shooting him into space, although we’d probably have to promise not to bring him back.

Tara “I’m a drug addict, not a pedophile” Palmer-Tomkinson.

Co-starring with Mickey Rourke in The Boxer?

Cocaine is a helluva drug, people, and with an $800 dollar a day habit it doesn’t matter how many nose jobs you throw at it; you’re essentially throwing good money after bad cartilage. Tara, the woman once rumoured to have taken Prince William’s virginity, is invited to the wedding, but wants to get her nose done first. At this point, however, it becomes a Michael Jackson situation: there needs to be something there to work on in the first place.

Let’s toast Tara’s heart’s desire with your choice of a Mad Fairy cocktail or a Donkey’s Nob (made with Coke, of course).

And some gossip links:

Rebecca Black is SO JEALOUS of this woman (raincoaster)

Hugh Jass has nothing on this guy (Lolebrity)

Karl Lagerfeld, now *I* want to kill you (Ayyyy)

Vodka: is there anything it can’t do? (Manolofood)

The Anti-Gwyneth makes a mean Monte Cristo (AgentBedhead)

I’d cut off her head for that hat (BusyBeeBlogger)

There was an Octomom who lived in a shoe(box)... (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Did anyone see Perez Hilton or Michael Lohan at the scene of the crime? (CelebritySmack)

Princess Margaret is dead, so who will be the bad fairy? (CelebVIPLounge)

Kim Kardashian, Turkey, these things write themselves (DailyStab)

Courtney Cox is no Friend! (EarSucker)

Rebecca Blacklash! (FitFabCeleb)

PETA will get her! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Who harshes on Robin Sweetest Man In Showbiz Williams and lives???? (HaveUHeard)

Planet Earth takes Lady Gaga DOWN! (HollywoodHiccups)

Tinkerbell’s new rival (INeedMyFix)

Fix! Fix! The fix is in at People! (MathewGuiver)

Old Britney vs New Britney (PoorBritney)

Karl Lagerfeld has some funny priorities

Lagerfeld encourages starvation. “I used to place food in my mouth, but then spit it out again,” he said. “That way I got the taste without the calories. I haven’t done that for a long time, but it is a good way to beat the frustration.”

Oh, Karl. Before Julian Assange came along, you were my favorite Bond Villain. Now? You’ve suddenly turned into my Least-Favorite Auntie in the Home, Doped to the Gills and Still Convinced She’s Making Perfect Sense.