Ayyyy!

This? This is genius. And no doubt about to be a best-seller with single girls, who are up to their ears in articles on how to date hot men who bore them senseless (anything rather than be single!): just get him one of these super-turtlenecks and voila! Problem solved, and so much less stressful than just telling him to shut up.

M is for Muffle It, Heidi (AgentBedhead)

Shut Your Mouth! Elijah Wood is 29 (AmyGrindhouse)

Mad Man murdered by silence (BusyBeeBlogger)

Ben wants Jen to STFU (CeleBitchy)

Siskel shushes Ebert (Movieline)

Cows take Kiefer for a ride (PopEater)

Tina Turner is HOW old? Shut up! (CelebritySmack)

Say What? (DailyStab)

Monjack seeks to gag WarnerBrothers (DListed)

Amy Winehouse erases Blake (HolyMoly)

Things Jennifer Aniston DIDN’T say (PopBytes)

Denise Van Outen speaks in code (UKPopSugar)

Mariah’s dress covers her hidden charms (CityRag)

Hugh Jackman speaks! (LitelySalted)

Diddy did? I’m speechless (LaughingStork)

Clare Danes speaks for the autistic (INeedMyFix)

Pete Doherty continues to be unspeakable (CrazyDays&Nights)

Jay Leno hasn’t spoken to Conan (EvilBeet)

Ugly Betty silenced (GabbyBabble)

Alicia Keys has no comment (INO)

NBC slides Conan some hush money? (JustJared)

Zelda Rubenstein has gone dark (Movieline)

Jon Voight wants you to STFU HATERZ (PerezHilton)

Mariah shouldn’t talk! (ASL)

Lance Bass is quietly emo (TenGossip)

Chris Matthews puts his foot in his mouth (Gawker)

Shut up, Kanye (Lolebrity)

Danish citizen and former upstate New York resident Viggo Mortensen shows cultural sensitivity in Montreal, supporting the Canadiens and introducing the hockey game in flawless English and (Quebec-accented) French.

Yes, he IS perfect.

Hugh Jackman is missing something (Lolebrity)

Keira Knightly takes out contract on Emma Watson? (AgentBedhead)

So…that’s ONE then. (AmyGrindhouse)

Madonna, you’re no Debbie Harry (CeleBitchy)

Eddie Izzard is awesome, insane (BusyBeeBlogger)

Audience in Wonderland (PopBytes)

Sex tape starlet shows off resulting baby bump (GabbyBabble)

Delusional junkie calls Frances Bean Cobain a liar (CelebritySmack)

The real reason Chris Brown beat Rihanna? (HolyMoly)

Molegate! (PopEater)

Dear Kellan Lutz (TenGossip)

God hates Tori Spelling (LitelySalted)

Nicole Kidman has a lot to hide (SeriouslyOMG)

Street style suckage of 2009 (PopSugar)

Hot Tub Time Machine: the reality (Movieline)

Hugh and Daniel are big money gypsies (JustJared)

Diddy ‘dopted (INO)

Diddy waxed (INeedMyFix)

Miss Piggy on the Tiger Woods scandale (EvilBeet)

Santa hates Octomom (DListed)

My Imaginary Boyfriend doesn’t mind working with Tina Fey (Gawker)

To be quite frank, Glogg is horrible to the point of turning your mouth into a place old spiders go to die and really aught to be the name of a Scandinavian troll of questionable hygene instead of a mildly intoxicating mulled wine drink, but having tasted Glogg the beverage I have to say that I can’t rule out it simply being the distilled legpit perspiration of said troll. I mean, have you put that stuff in your mouth? WHY OH GOD WHY???

Where was I?

Celebrity Dad Faceoff: Clark Gable vs Cary Grant (TeenyManolo)

Diddybreath; that just can’t be good! (AgentBedhead)

Poor Miley Cyrus gets hand-me-downs for her birthday (AmyGrindhouse)

America’s favorite felon is great company when she gets a few belts in her (CeleBitchy)

Jennifer Aniston ties one on (Websters)

The Battle of Christmas (AprilWinchell)

Tara Reid Promises to rehab this time for sure (TMZ)

The Devil Wears SeanJohn? (ASL)

The past tense of Reality Star is… (WOWReport)

Disney goes to the Porn Emporium (SeriouslyOMG)

Daniel Craig, 40, rocks the 65-year-old Scottish mackerel fisherman look (JustJared)

Lost Olsen Triplet found! (IBBB)

Brian Grazer donates to the needy (CandyKirby)

Hugh Jackman hosts the Oscars (DListed)

KFed is back, ladies! (GabbyBabble)

At least TWO teenage boys are sick of Hugh Hefner’s lothario routine (Defamer)

John Mayer enjoys Don Rickles’ technique of tension and release (CelebritySmack)

How does it go? It’s the rusty nail that gets the free refill? Well it SHOULD go that way, dammit!

Gossip blogger blogs about being interviewed about gossip blogging on blog (EvilBeet)

Malkovich? Malkovich. Malkovich! is on teh internets (AgentBedhead)

Bono ar in ur latte, savin da werld (BusyBeeBlogger)

Ahnold will not terminate marriage equality (CelebrityDirt)

Cougartown! (GenosWorld)

I, Guy Richie, vow to love, honour, and obey these 36 line items in the marriage contract… (CelebrityDirtyLaundry)

Diddy is a daddy, and a hella good cook! (CelebWarship)

The Madonna List (TheRadReport)

Gwen Stefani bucks trend, releases baby pix for free! (PopBytes)

Kevin Smith is the scourge of plumbing fixtures everywhere (CeleBitchy)

Janet Jackson on tour, now with 30% less obscenity (CelebritySmack)

The Trollson Twins clean up well as Vargas Girls (DailyStab)

Russell Band inspires unlikely labour activism at the Beeb (HolyMoly)

Cloris has her own reality show! My prayers have been answered! (Defamer)

Mariah Carey’s Halloween style crumbles (Websters)

Don’t you HATE it when someone shows up in the same dress as you? (DListed)

Bloody Hell! Endometriosis is catching??? (GabbyBabble)

Katherine Heigl is playing games with us (CandyKirby)

The View from the bottom of the barrel (IBBB)

Nicolette Sheridan goes down on her handlers (SeriouslyOMG)

Roger Ebert’s Rules of Order (Gawker)

Katherine Heigl LOVES dogs! (Lolebrity)

Britney picks the scariest Halloween costume of all! (PopTard)

Celebrity trading cards: paper-thin, good-looking pieces with a short shelf life (AgentBedhead)

Amy Winehouse is a style icon to supermodels everywhere (CelebritySmack)

Wino is back on the ward (People)

My imaginary boyfriend will play the caterpillar in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland (DListed)

Cabbage Patch politicians (PopEater)

Paris Hilton nervous about being shot into space (CeleBitchy)

Mary-Kate Olsen sperminated? (CelebrityDirtyLaundry)

ScarJo is about six and a half years early for the seven year itch (DailyStab)

Celebrity doctors need love too. They just prefer to find it on Craigslist (Defamer)

Rent a blogger! (Gawker)

Diddy diddles the planet (HolyCandy)

Bono’s youth outreach (CandyKirby)

Paging Andy Warhol (IBBB)

Tom Cruise manhandles Matt Lauer (Mollygood)

Root for Naomi Watts (ImNotObsessed)

Hugh Jackman and Catherine Zeta-Jones in the rock musical Cleopatra (UKPopsugar)

The Curse of DWTS! (SeriouslyOMG)

Amy Poehler popped (Websters)

“No, so seriously, I was like, just walking down the street one day. It was kinda rainy out. Not like REALLY rainy, but you know, humid. Just enough to make my hair do that thing, you know what I’m talking about right? By the way Carls, I am loving yours. What do you do, vinegar rinse? Anyway, so I’m just walking down the street, trying to you know, recognize the Buddha nature inherent in all things or whatever, and I sorta just mention that I thought felt a drop and *bam* all these dude with fancy umbrellas just COME OUT OF NOWHERE. It was AWESOME, and of course Puff Daddy or whatever he goes by now –God, talk about 14 reincarnations– sees it and he’s just there with his ONE umbrella dude and he TOTALLY plotzed. I think he dropped his man purse. Man, good times.”

Prince Harry duz Colonialism rong (Lolebrity)

Paging the Claymates! Clay Aiken singing angel music box (GalleryOfTheAbsurd)

Diddy wins the Gold! In Overshares! (POTP)

Flasher or Flash In The Pan? (Celebuwreck)

Paris Hilton, superhero? (ItsCandyTV)

Welcome to Dumpsville, Jennifer; population: you (CelebrityDirt)

Just let your damn keyboard get dirty for God’s sake! (IBBB)

Win a threesome with Scarlett Johannson (AgentBedhead)

Celebrity Deathmatch: Suri vs Shiloh (CelebritySmack)

Amy Winehouse: the stuff of nightmares (HolyMoly)

Ali Lohan, living la vida silicone (CeleBitchy)

Brad Pitt, typical suburban dad (PopSugar)

Madonna will depopulate Malawi if it’s the last thing she does (CelebrityBabyScoop)

Everybody Batusi! (DListed)

Tyra steals from children (CandyKirby)

Ashlee Simpson is a role model for Canadian youth (CrazyDaysAndNights)

Penelope Cruz isn’t pretty enough to date herself (DailyStab)

Someone tell Brooke Hogan blogging is a privilege, not a right (Websters)

Remaid in Manhattan (SeriouslyOMG)

Britney represents for Team Cheeto! (Defamer)

WaPo vs JonasFanz, yo (Gawker)

Madamism? Madonnaism? (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

Yor so vayn; Stallone and Madonna (Lolebrity)

Kiwi superstar! Liveblogging the Giant Squid of New Zealand (TePapa)

Woody Allen considering switching teams for Javier Bardem? (AgentBedhead)

Time after time Cyndi Lauper lays the smackdown on George W. Bush (CelebritySmack)

Keira’s singing inspired by Amy Winehouse (LARagMag)

Charlie Sheen once again gunning for Douchebag Daddy of the Year (CeleBitchy)

Baby Branding: so hot right now! (CelebWarship)

Would you work for Diddy-Squat? (Crunk+Disorderly)

Eva Longoria says she refused to wear skimpy outfits (DailyStab)

MGM bomb threat! (Defamer)

Celebrity Drunkface (CityRag)

Rage Against the Machine’s fans enraged, malevolently robot-like (IDLYITW)

Emmy Rossum confuses me too, kid. (JustJared)

Katie Holmes brings the 80’s back (DListed)

Sisterhood of the Travelling IForgotMyPants (PopSugar)

Kathie Lee Schadenfreude!!!!! (EvilBeet)

Have we ever thought of just letting the Confederacy go? (Mollygood)

Brangelunacy Live! (CandyKirby)

Miley Cyrus’ moneymaker makes $124 million a year (GabbyBabble)

Bob Saget roasted to Full City House levels (IBBB)

Are you fake gay too and just don’t know it? (Radar)

This is the BEST JOB IN THE WORLD AND I WANT IT! (Websters)

Scotty is Lost In Space! (raincoaster)

John Gotti Jr arrested for mob crimes! OMG! Stop the presses! (Gawker)