Diane Brill makes an ass of herself in Mugler

Yes, it does, Diane. Yes, it does.

That's not hot sauce, ladies

His protestations to the contrary, we have conclusive proof that Viggo Mortensen is a Red Wings fan.

And that’s just too gross to explain, even for me.

Wash your mind’s eye out with a Muff Diver shooter (no hands, please!) and a few gossip links:

Zachary Quinto has a message for young people (Lolebrity)

Who won the fashion wars? (Ayyyy)

The St Valentine’s Day Massacre/Roundup (raincoaster)

The most perfect food in the world, in 926 words (ManoloFood)

Charlie Sheen pulls an Edith Piaf (AgentBedhead)

You know, I’d pay good money to watch her in the UFC ring (BusyBeeBlogger)

Tila Tequila has gone Amish on us (CelebDirtyLaundry)

In fairness, I’d snub Avril Lavigne too (CelebritySmack)

Wait till Shia LaBeouf hears about this! (CelebVIPLounge)

I don’t blame him: EVERYONE hates Daleks (CityRag)

Your straight boyfriend will care about this story (DailyStab)

Jessica Simpson is as spontaneous as a NASA rocket launch (Earsucker)

Anne Hathaway wears support hose! (FitFabCeleb)

Celebrity fashion week (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Gosh, Emma Watson, lay off the ‘roids! (GossipTeen)

Lance Armstrong has had more comebacks than Cher (HaveUHeard)

A bunch of Yanks at the Brit Awards, why? (INeedMyFix)

Britney’s leaking! (PoorBritney)

Courtney Love perfects the “Dexedrine-addicted, glamorous auntie” look (PopBytes)

Who invited HER? (TheSkinny)

Congrats to the cute couple

Awww, isn’t that cute? The Duchess of Alba and her boytoy Alfonso Díez are making it legal. Living proof, if any were needed, that an aggressive nose job that results in you breathing out of two large pores in the middle of your face is never a wasted expense, if it allows one to attract men known to society paper readers everywhere as “and Unnamed Friend”.

In honour of the lovely couple, let’s toast them with a classic Champagne cocktail fortified with a little Spanish brandy, and read some sexy gossip links:

inside raincoaster (raincoaster)

Ryan Reynolds has a sexy fra…what was I saying? (Ayyyy)

Kate Spade’s sexy movie (ManoloFood)

Fred and George Weasley KNOW they’ve got it (Lolebrity)

Sir Elton has some words for our generation’s biggest a$$ (AgentBedhead)

Chris Isaak’s steamy new video (BusyBeeBlogger)

Tila Tequila’s sex tape means we’ll never be rid of her (CelebDirtyLaundry)

WHAT is Gaga doing to herself in bed? (CelebritySmack)

ScarJo doesn’t let cobwebs grow on her ladybits (CelebVIPLounge)

VD Stars! (CityRag)

OMG Tila Tequila and Jennifer Aniston appear in sketchy video together (DailyStab)

Michelle Trachtenberg loves her body and tells you ALL about it (FitFabCeleb)

They get wet (GirlsTalkinSmack)

J Hud talks about her new body (HaveUHeard)

Anderson Cooper is NOT into beatings! (INeedMyFix)

Britney’s got yogabutt! (PoorBritney)

What’s Lady Gaga’s sex name? (PopBytes)

Forget the body: what has Nicole Richie done to her face? (TheSkinny)

Chuck Berry on line one… (SeriouslyOMG)

John Galliano and Eva Green are climbing the walls

Insanely fabulous John Galliano and Eva Green here demonstrate a typical party guest’s reaction when Aunt Letitia wheels out her harpsichord.

That’s a very respectable showing from Tom Felton, once again stealing the show from his arch-rival, Daniel “Nice Guy” Radcliffe. But does anyone else think he’s been watching a bit too much early Keanu Reeves? Booyah, Dude-Man! Let’s order a pitcher of Bud Light (and pour it into the window planter when nobody is looking) to toast these new speakers of American: The Freedom Language.

Old McDonald had a problem… (raincoaster)
Draco Malfoy cleans up good (Ayyyy)
The Andy Warhol New York City Diet (ManoloFood)
Joan Crawford’s dating tips (Lolebrity)
Il fait suffrir pour etre belle (ManoloBeauty)
Spoons are a girl’s best friend? (CraftyManolo)
A clever bale-out for the recession (GreenManolo)
When Dina Lohan has to tell you how to behave, you KNOW you’re in trouble (AgentBedhead)
Kellan Lutz has Madonna arms! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Even St. Angelina can’t save Bosnia (CeleBitchy)
Tony Danza heckles a priest at a funeral (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Canuckistan corners teh sex-ay (DailyStab)
Chupa schtupped (DListed)
Beyonce is bad! (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Eva Longoria Foursome (HaveUHeard)
You don’t have to be crazy to hate Bristol Palin (INeedMyFix)
Harry Potter finds his dead parents alive! (SeriouslyOMG)

Welcome to early winter, when we traditionally enter the months-long Harry Potter Premiere Season (only one left!). Amid all the frenzied commentary dedicated to the (admittedly delightful) Emma Watson and her latest little black dress, it seems someone has been overlooked; it is now time to rectify this shameful state of affairs and equal-opportunity objectify the equally delightful Tom Felton, otherwise known as Draco Malfoy. Team Slytherin REPRESENT!

Meanwhile, elsewhere on the red carpet we spy the increasingly dessicated Clémence Poésy, shown here wearing a lovely black lace gown accented with Jane Fonda’s old neck and one word springs to mind. That word?

SAMMICH!

Did you ever look at a shoe and think, “Why would somebody do that? Why would somebody pay $995 for that? Where would you wear it?” and answered yourself with “Because somebody will pay $995 for it. Because some people have more money than sense. [and] From the cab to the table at Harry’s Bar and back.”? Sure you did.

And when you did, you were probably thinking of these shoes: the Giuseppe Zanotti fishbone sandal
.

Not exactly the most practical thing on the planet, eh? But, as you are doubtless aware from your perusal of fine websites such as this one, impracticality is very, very in right now; it could honestly be said to be the defining cultural preference of our time. Exhibits for the defense: Lady Gaga, Madonna’s movie career, Bjork, the Hummer, Martha Stewart’s recipes.

And these shoes.

I see them everywhere: upstaging Samantha in the first Sex and the City movie (want to ruin your friends’ movie-watching experiences while simultaneously causing them to question the career choice on which you’ve thrown yourself away? watch this movie and name every one of the shoe designers AND the price of the shoes as each character makes her/his entrance. uh, not that I would ever do that.); in every fashion magazine; on every fashion blog (approval/disapproval was about even, overall); and in this video for the song Appelle Mon Numero from my favorite French chanteuse, Mylene Farmer. The video is at least as much about her legs as it is about the song, and what’s on the end of her legs? That’s right.

So take heart: even if you can’t walk in them, you can always wear them to a) pose naked on a table with your bits covered in sushi b) hang out on a light-drenched Parisian window seat with your no-doubt-aching feet propped up. [and note to self: try classic French white shirt/black skirt and cardi combo with heavy Goth rings; attempt to look more like this than an emo waitress]

And hey! They’re on sale!

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• How to wear the new socks and heels trend (stylebakery.com)
• Glisten Up Your Steps with Giuseppe Zanotti’s New Sandals (viecouture.com)
• Rachel Comey Leather Socks: Would you? or Wouldn’t you? (grechenscloset.com)

Can someone, anyone, explain to me how this woman can dance like that in a skirt that tight without falling over? Is this a clever use of wires or antigravity corsets or something?

For the curious, and it is very curious, is it not? this is the fabulous French band Les Rita Mitsouko doing their big hit Marcia Baila from 1985.