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Lily Allen comes out

Lily Allen's new look is sending a message

Lily Allen’s new look is sending a message

Dedicated scenester and comeback aspirant Lily Allen sent a powerful visual message yesterday while attending the BAFTAs. The message confirmed long-held rumours in the celebusphere.  It’s time, her outfit screamed, to take back our power, to flaunt our true nature, to throw off the disguises that have, for so long, allowed us to pass as other than what we truly are.

We are Reptiles. And we are proud.

Addicts of Mugwump fluid are known as Reptiles. A number of these flow over chairs with their flexible bones and black-pink flesh. A fan of cartilage covered with hollow, erectile hairs through which the Reptiles absorb the fluid sprouts from behind each ear. The fans, which move from time to time touched by invisible currents, serve also some form of communication known only to Reptiles.

In those days of grey terror the Reptiles dart about faster and faster, scream past each other at supersonic speed, their flexible skulls flapping in black winds of insect agony. The Dream Police disintegrate in globs of rotten ectoplasm swepty away by an old junky, goughing nad spitting in the sick morning. The Mugwump Man comes with alabaster jars of fluid and the Reptiles get smoothed out.

The air is once again still and clear as glycerine.

And that, dear readers, is probably the most accurate description of a night and next morning at Lily Allen’s house the world has ever seen. It’s hard out here for a Reptile.


To read more about Lily’s heretofor secret life, pick up this handy guide.

Pray for Miley

Miley is writhey

Miley is writhey

Poor countrypop caterwauler Miley Cyrus seemed to be in a bad way at the opening of her Bangerz tour in Vancouver. Not only did budget cuts force her to make her entrance riding an Aldi hot dog instead of the scheduled white stallion, but it later became clear, from her uncomfortable fidgeting atop this and various other props, that the poor girl was suffering a brutal infection, and needed to see a doctor urgently. No wonder she opened the tour in Canuckistan, home of socialized Kwellada.

That looks painful. For once, I feel bad for the guys in gynecology row. Look at that guy on the left. He hates himself so much right now.

Miley should see a doctor about that rash

Miley should see a doctor about that rash

Once you’re cured, dear, please take note: THIS is how you writhe to a country song.

Music made moving

 

What fresh Heck is this, y'all?

What fresh Heck is this, y’all?

Mistress Tongue and the Acoustic Mayhem made their appearance on MTV Unplugged, and sadly the same word applied to our ears. Fortunately we found the remote after a mere 90 seconds of this caterwauling travesty and didn’t have to endure the torture any longer.

Now, I may be old and crochety, but it seems to me that if you’re going to go back to the 90′s for inspiration like Unplugged, there are better ways to combine top contemporary performers with vintage cool.

This, for instance.

Starring my old friend Mike from Vancouver. And also:

NEVER FORGET!

The Golden Gifs

Did I watch the Golden Globes? Are you kidding, that’s what recappers are for! But I did do a roundup of the best Golden Globes themed GIFs (hard G, y’all) and pick out the biggest loser, fashion-wise, so you’re welcome.

If, like me, you missed the whole thing, watch this video that recaps it in ninety seconds flat. Like me.

Let’s start with respected theatre and motion picture actress Emma Thompson seen here demonstrating her classical RADA training in how to make an unforgettable entrance.

Also making a memorable entrance was Elisabeth Moss on the ManiCam (the ManiCam is a thing? Jesus, take the wheel).

Elisabeth Moss and the ManiCam

Elisabeth Moss and the ManiCam

The evening’s theme was “Negging,” flawlessly demonstrated here by my boy Bono.

Bono No Go

Bono No Go

Everybody’s least favorite heiress (after Paris Hilton) jumped on the negging trend; it will no doubt form the centerpiece of an episode of Girls in the near future.

Leah Don't Play That Way

Leah Don’t Play That Way

Other celebs to leap aboard the negging juggernaut included:

Tommy Lee Jones

Protip: he's really not into you

Protip: he’s really not into you

and the normally-sunny Julia Louis Dreyfuss

JLewDry and ReeWi

JLewDry and ReeWi

as well as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, the hosts.

Emma Watson knows it's coming

Emma Watson knows it’s coming

It's Mean Girls Live!

It’s Mean Girls Live!

was it good for you too, Emma Watson?

was it good for you too, Emma Watson?

Satisfying. In fact, negging on Taylor was a sub-plot all night. That spirit is embodied here in Everyone’s New Favorite Spunky Blonde, Jennifer Lawrence.

Jlaw vs TaySwi

Jlaw vs TaySwi

Negging on JLaw’s couture Dior dress was a Thing as well, although it was not a GIF. Still, amusing and accurate.

We don't Love it and yes I know that's badminton not tennis. Shut up.

We don’t Love it and yes I know that’s badminton not tennis. Shut up.

The World’s Most Perfect Person negged her own shoes, and they were Louboutins, and went on to neg the entire process of awards-presentation, but of course she did it flawlessly!

Emma

Emma


Emma  is Telling You Things

Emma is Telling You Things


Emma  has her priorities straight

Emma has her priorities straight


Emma wants a refill

Emma wants a refill

And it all ended happily ever after.

Amy and Bono sitting in a tree

Amy and Bono sitting in a tree

Unless your name is Ali Hewson, of course.

It’s Money!

Will Ferrel wears the spoils

Will Ferrel wears the spoils

Oh baby, that look is money. Will Ferrel may recycle his suits, but this is proof positive he gets his money’s worth out of them.

Is it a fashion plus or minus? It’s a fashion multiplier! There is chic. There is baller. And then there is … this.

Net Zero

Jlaw Dior net zero

Jlaw Dior net zero

It must be confessed, and that by me, that I have not been following the Hunger Games: not read the books, not seen the movies. And yet I am somewhat surprised to see the delightful and talented Jennifer Lawrence here at the premiere of the sequel, wearing what appears to be an Esther Williams swimming costume sheathed in a cover-up made of designer screen door netting. Is there a part of this movie where she dives deep and does duel with fearsome Grindylows to win for the greater glory of Griffindor?

Okay, no, wait. Don’t tell me. I’m liking this. Once I can figure out how to work in an 80′s era Patrick Duffy, I’m good with this. Don’t burst my bubble!

Natalie Portman’s Dior Airbaby Debuts

Natalie Portman air baby

Natalie Portman air baby

And doesn’t she look thrilled about it? Looks like 2013 is the year of ostentatiously artificial hair dyes and air babies. Because 1983 was the year of Sequin Tube Top.

Mister Lawrence for Miss Dior

Jennifer Lawrence is just thrilled to be here

Jennifer Lawrence is just thrilled to be here

And here we have the lovely and talented Jennifer Lawrence, appearing for Miss Dior the fragrance, which is delicate, classic, young, and probably the scent your grandmother wore the night she lost her virginity (if she wasn’t the “Charlie” class). The House of Dior is one of the greatest design houses and is currently having a wonderful year both in terms of design and in terms of PR, having hung on to the beautiful and fragrant Natalie Portman and now snagged the hottest young woman in Hollywood to represent their most youth-appropriate fragrance.

So it is a mystery to me why they’ve done her up like a very expensive and sweaty butch barfly at last call, but they have. What is more heinous still is having the brass to release this photo in the US with a crappy crop job just to cut out the cigarette. If you’re going to go to such lengths to make something acceptable to the American market, do not simultaneously lower the quality by an order of magnitude, because we can, like, tell. It’s condescending, and it’s not as if it can’t be done well: the French version of Emma Watson’s Tresor Midnight Rose commercial had a cigarette in it; the American did not, but you don’t miss it and there is no visible hole where it was. If we’re going to have censorship in the name of bodily purity, let it at least be done well. At seventy bucks a bottle, it’s not like they can’t afford to pay someone competent.

Miss Dior

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