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I See Seersucker; I see Seer/Suckers

Seersucker Thursday

Seersucker Thursday

Finally, the US government does something I like: they celebrate the immortal holiday known around the world (or at least around the Capitol) as Seersucker Thursday. Guess what they do on Seersucker Thursday? Sure, wear seersucker suits, but they also…um.

Um.

Play seersucker games?

 

Seersucker sidesaddle?

Seersucker sidesaddle?

Eat special seersucker foods?

 

Seersucker candy
Seersucker candy

It is indeed difficult to go wrong with seersucker, perhaps the greatest of America’s innumerable contributions to fabric; however, as the woman on the far right demonstrates, it is indeed possible.

Senators better dressed than in togas

although togas would work in the heat of summer

Diagonals? Really??? Diagonals? Somebody didn’t go to boarding school!

Friday Caption Contest Results: Tennis Ball Dress Edition

It is time to announce our winner in Friday’s caption contest. Who will it be? Well, it sure won’t be the woman who had to wear the damn thing.

 

Tennis Ball Dress

Tennis Ball Dress

igirl99
June 18, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Ballsy!

Congratulations and virtual swag to first-time winner, igirl99. For her hypothetical swag, we virtually offer the imaginary Ettika black leather double wrap tennis bracelet:

Ettika black leather double wrap tennis bracelet

Friday Caption Contest Links: Tennis Ball Dress

You know what to do: do it in the comments section.

You won't believe how hard it was not to make a dirty pun for this caption

You won't believe how hard it was not to make a dirty pun for this caption

And your ballsy gossip links for today:

Bonsai Kitten: all new for 2011! The world’s greatest novelty pet fad is back and better than ever! (raincoaster)

You can call him Mister Tripod: is that a handycam in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? (Ayyyy)

Hey Fidel, that’s for the Bay of Pigs! Celebrate July 4th with patrioalcoholism! (Manolofood)

Make Out, Not War! Now that is what I call a classic Vancouver response to a crisis. Stop, drop and roll…your girlfriend! (Lolebrity)

Does Green Lantern turn on the critics? You’ll have to read the review to find out, but what are the odds, eh? (Crasstalk)

Keanu Reeves: you can take the boy out of the 90′s but you can’t take the sad, emo 90′s backlash against randomly bestowed, crushing celebrity out of the boy. Apparently. (AgentBedhead)

Thanks for giving birth to he world’s most perfect baby, Natalie. Now get back to work! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Michael Lohan proves prayers do come true! In related news, Samantha Ronson is now a bus driver? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

If you don’t like the mealticket, get off the gravy train. Are we supposed to feel sorry for Paris Hilton now? (EarSucker)

A Decade in Sexiest Man Alive covers: which one is your panty-moistener of choice? (FitFabCeleb)

Celebrities in Cat’s Eye glasses. I knew Audrey Hepburn. Audrey Hepburn was a girlcrush of mine. And You, Missy, are no Audrey Hepburn. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Kathy Griffin goes down on Bristol Palin??? What, clickbaiting again? Moi? (HaveUHeard)

Yes, all Canadians are as crazy as Jim Carrey. It’s true. It’s a FACT. So don’t even think about invading? Okay, thanks! Sorry for 1812. Really. Let’s have coffee sometime… (HollywoodHiccups)

Apparently calorie deprivation correlates to hallucination, at least according to this Kirstie Alley story. (INeedMyFix)

Ryan Reynolds shirtless sixteen times. Never let it be said I refused to pander. The things I do for you people! (Swoonworthy)

Selah.

Don Cherry’s 3D Coat of Many Colours Links

Don Cherry we now our gay apparel

Don Cherry we now our gay apparel

Thank god that Don Cherry, Living National Treasure, chose to wear this jacket for tonight’s final. Whenever I couldn’t bear to watch the Canucks, I could at least look at his jacket and pretend I was on mushrooms.

Don Cherry’s suit looks like 1 of those pics where you unfocus your eyes & a dinosaur pops out
If only it were a Stanley Cup. THIS is a Stanley Cup:

and THESE are your gossip links:

Anon and On: what’s everyone’s favorite digital anarchist hive mind up to lately? Only announcing its one year plan to change the world. Yeah, good luck with that. Also, who the hell takes marketing tips from Stalin? (raincoaster)

Taste the Biscuit: whatever it is, it tastes like 70′s synth-jazz and looks like your grandparents playing a set of Iron Maiden at Walmart. (Manolofood)

Barefoot boy revealed: did you guess our long-toed stranger correctly? Check out this fabulous, completely imaginary prize! (Ayyyy)

The Fellowship of the Blind Item: can you guess which LOTR star came on to Sean Bean and got a soaking instead of a tumble? (Lolebrity)

Favorite Movie Soundtracks: what’s yours? Oh really? That’s not as good as mine. I mean, mine is pretty obscure, and you won’t have heard of it, but I bought the soundtrack before the script was even written, back when it was an independent comic and…OW! WHY’D YOU HIT ME??? (Crasstalk)

Spandex is a privilege, not a right, Ke$ha: nobody wants to see your elephanttoe, girl, particularly not with shiny highlights. (AgentBedhead)

Anthony Weiner is a wolf in she’s clothing: and really, anything I could write after that is superfluous, no? (BusyBeeBlogger)

Vanessa Hudgens has apparently hired Anthony Weiner as her stylist: why yes, my laundress always does the ironing in skivvies and four inch heels, doesn’t yours? You must not work in Congress! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Get to know Christian Slater in the Biblical sense: good heavens, clickbaiting? MOI? (CelebVIPLounge)

Ahnold’s babymama is apparently the dumbest person on Earth: how’d you like to start out in life with those two as parents? A condom full of walnuts and an obese plastic surgery addict who does for free things that any self-respecting mistress charges for. (EarSucker)

You’ve gotta get up pretty early to put one over on Kim Cattrall. And while you’re up, you’d better mix her a drink if you know what’s good for you. (FitFabCeleb)

Luke, I am your mother: Natalie Portman spawns successfully! Even I can’t snark on a newborn baby, so that’s all there is to this headline. Awww. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Five bucks says Joss Stone arranged this: kidnap/murder plot exposed. In other news, Joss Stone still exists. (HaveUHeard)

Liquid Dancer will melt your brain: this man makes Michael Jackson look like Jerry Seinfeld on the dancefloor. (HelloGiggles)

Check out John Edwards’ OKCupid pix: oh wait, that’s his mug shot! God, aren’t you sad you didn’t get to vote for this show pony after all? (HollywoodHiccups)

Justin Timberlake enjoys smoking weed to turn his brain off: the rest of us just listen to his music for that. (INeedMyFix)

WHY did I forget about this Great Dane? And why did I forget I was going with the colon format on these damn links? Because he’s so hot I got discombobulated, that’s why. (SwoonWorthy)

Oh great: Kate Hudson snares another sucker. Start the countdown to the breakup and heroin rehab. (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

The Un-Blushing Bridesmaid

The Unblushing Bridesmaid
The Unblushing Bridesmaid

Lily Allen has always been known as the “Dirt with angelic face” singer, and it’s nice to see she comes by it honestly. This is what her sister chose to wear to Lily’s wedding yesterday, keeping up the standard of class, but of unspecified altitude.

Then again, maybe she had the dress fitted before she got the boobs fitted. And serve her right if she couldn’t breathe all night.

I dunno about you, but I definitely feel in need of something strong to wash that out of my mind’s eye. I recommend the Nuptial Cocktail and some gossip links.

Palin Poetry: the Palinleaks Haikus. America gets the Japanese poetic forms it deserves, as Sarah Palin’s emails get put through the Haiku Finder. Art really IS everywhere! (raincoaster)

Who needs the tooth fairy? Who needs Food Porn? We’ve got the Magic Rum Fairy! (ManoloFood)

Emma Watson is back in the harness. Gee, I didn’t know there was a new Matrix movie in the works. Still, this will come in handy for her battles with arch-enemy Fat Bastard. (Ayyyy)

Harrison Ford IS Errand Runner! I’d like to take a look at his Furby, if you know what I mean and I think you do! (Lolebrity)

Debbie Reynolds is selling off her children’s inheritance and YOU CAN BUY IT! Yes, it’s the celebrity crap auction of the year, and open for business! Someone call Harrison Ford, quick! (Crasstalk)

Starfuckery failure: pro edition. ScarJo needs to go study at the scabby, callused knees of Courtney Love. (AgentBedhead)

It’s time to draw the line! Catherine, Duchess of Whatever, the Artist Formerly Known as Kate Middleton, needs an eyeliner intervention, people. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Gary Dourdan is brought to your police department by the Letter E. Unlike the last time, when he was brought to your police station by the letters DUI. (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Mazel tov, kids. Now, can the world please forget about Lily Allen? (CelebritySmack)

Who are the 10 best actors in Hollywood? Other than the “I didn’t hook up with him” Kardashians? (CelebVIPLounge)

JWoww kisses a dog. So things are looking up for her in the romance department. (CityRag)

Ladies and gentlemen, start your gingham! Jessica Simpson, superchic fashion powerhouse, is cloning herself. (DailyStab)

Taylor Momsen…remember her? Well, it looks like she’s hooking up with an electrician now. (FitFabCeleb)

Paparazzis pap’d! Six celebrities spying on you. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Jessica Alba’s kid is going to be VERY popular with the tabloids! Nothing like leaking on your mom in front of a row of reporters. (HaveUHeard)

Conan O’Brien enters the Greatest Commencement Speech Sweepstakes. Will he take it from Steve Jobs? It’s Team Coco vs Apple Fanboys in the final round: Dartmouth vs Stanford. (HollywoodHiccups)

I’ll take “let them get the damn picture instead of crashing the car with your children in it” for a hundred, Alex! On the other hand, how desperate must a pap be to try to get a picture of Tori Spelling? (INeedMyFix)

Prince Hot Ginge in his undershirt. It doesn’t matter what I type here; you’re not reading it anyway. (SwoonWorthy)

People still date Lindsay Lohan’s castoffs? In other news, Demi Lovato is apparently capable of making good decisions again. (TheSkinnyChic)

 

Waity Catey

Cate Blanchett will help you now. Would you like to see the new colours for Summer '11?

Cate Blanchett will help you now. Would you like to see the new colours for Summer '11?

It’s great to see Cate Blanchett working again after all this time, even if it IS just on the Elizabeth Arden counter at Nordstrom’s. At least she can get some shoes that fit with her staff discount!

Snooki’s Looking Good!

Snooki is looking good!

Snooki is looking good!

She’s definitely lost weight, but she needs to see her waxer stat, before she turns into a small, brown S.O.S pad.

Speaking of celebrity drama, here are your gossip links for today. They, as with Snooki, are somewhat more elaborate than usual. Happy hump day!

Hotter than EuroDisney: it’s the Abortionplex! Yelp, the greatest website of the bourgeoisie, reaches its apotheosis in this collection of reviews of the Onion’s fictional Abortionplex. Come for the D&C’s, stay for the Mojitos! (raincoaster)

Servicey! How to open a bottle without a bottle opener. And NO, “twist it off” isn’t the answer unless you’re the Incredible Hulk. I knew the Incredible Hulk. The Incredible Hulk was a friend of mine. And YOU, sir, are no – you know what? I’ve used that joke too many times. (ManoloFood)

Do the Maliboogie! You put your left foot in. You take your left foot out, with great effort, because you were as stupid as Katie Holmes, and wore three inch heels on the beach! (Ayyyy)

Steve Buscemi welcomes you to Emo Disney. So I guess today’s gossip blogs are travel themed. Still, I’d totally pay to see Steve as Mickey Mouse, directed by Quentin Tarantino. When you get your picture taken with him, ask if you can hold the severed hand. (Lolebrity)

“Oh I say!” says Prince Philip. “No, seriously, I said that? I said THAT? Well bloody hell, you don’t think I was SOBER at the time, do you? Quick, blame the fucking peasants!” (Crasstalk)

Lady Gaga is completely tasteless. The GooGoo Diet? Real dieters stick with The Drinker’s Diet, even if they dumped the man who invented it! If it was good enough for Dino, it’s good enough for you, honey. (AgentBedhead)

George Harrison pities the fool. Then wonders why a Canadian gossip blogger is referencing Mister T on a Beatle post, then shrugs amiably as well as posthumously, realizing that nobody who lived through the 80′s escaped unchanged by them. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Justin Timberlake DID NOT GO THERE! And you can’t make him go, you with your tawdry, nicotine-stained fashionistas. GOD! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Cougar Sausage! Someone needs to tell Janice Dickinson that turkey skin and gristle in a tube sock is not an attractive look. (CelebritySmack)

Jet Skis fail to take a victim. This time. Hey, that gives me an idea for a horror series. GET ME ELI ROTH! (CelebVIPLounge)

LeAnn Rimes Fatty Fat Fat Fatso Fatty Fatpants. There, if that doesn’t get me trashed on Jezebel, nothing ever will. (CityRag)

Blake Lively is apparently spotted like a hyena under all those clothes, or at least that’s what her publicist is being paid to say. Do you think she ever looks back at her humanities degree and wonders where she went wrong? (DailyStab)

Courtney Love, aristocrat. Stiffing servants like she was born to it: Thatta girl! At this rate one of them will poison you shortly. (EarSucker)

It’s Bimbo vs Bimbo in the Seaside Smackdown of the Season. In related news, Jon Derek wants her number. (FitFabCeleb)

The Womb Broom Room: sixteen celebrities sporting mustaches. And not ONE is an Italian woman (well, we’re not sure about Efron)! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Sue Sylvester lays the smackdown on that uppity Wasilla Hillbilly. In related news, Jane Lynch for president! (HaveUHeard)

Justin Bieber is so totally perving to this topless massage picture in private. That’s an auto-timed Twitpic if ever I saw one; young man, you go to your room and LEAVE THE STARLET BEHIND! (HollywoodHiccups)

RPattz and KStew’s wedding video! ZOMG CAN YOU BELIEVE BREAKING DAWN IS COMING??? ZOMG can you believe how much longer we have to pretend to be excited about this shit? Someone stop that woman before she writes another! (INeedMyFix)

Jennifer Love Hewitt’s latest drama: this outfit. Is that an oversized, beaded beige Iroquois jumpsuit? (MathewGuiver)

Britney Spears: too special for the unassisted human ear. Like the gods of ancient Greece, she requires the services of a special interpreter in order to make herself appreciated by mere mortals. (PoorBritney)

Oh, US TOO, PARIS! (PopBytes)

Squeeeeeeee! Peter Brady is single! Cougars, start your engines! (Swoonworthy)

This is as close to amputee porn as Reese Witherspoon is ever going to get, so enjoy? Also, she looks like she’s ready to claw your faceoff, so bonus Catfight Points. (TheSkinny)

Avril Lavigne doesn’t give an F about Americans. But she gave one TO Americans. Oh, those kooky Quebecois! (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

State of Emergency declared in Malibu

That $cientology diuretic diet sure works!

That $cientology diuretic diet sure works!

“Oh MOM! I told you to go before we left home!”

In related news, Katie is actually wearing three inch heels. On the beach. As for the blazer with cutoffs, the “Goldman Sachs/Tara Reid” look has never worked for anyone.

Let’s have a round of Pee-Pee Cocktails (yes, this is a real thing, and not half bad) and some celebrity gossip links.

Alec Baldwin busts his cherry! Twitter virginity: it’s happened to all of us! (raincoaster)

How many Britney fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? No, seriously, how many? Take off your socks if you have to… (Ayyyy)

Sunday Food Porn! Sushi Sunday! Not bad, for a legally blind photographer. (Manolofood)

Conan O’Brien’s Coyote Morning. OMG she’s so totally under age! (Lolebrity)

Chicken Soup for the Young Witch. Which really should include the advice to read better books, you’d think. (AgentBedhead)

Chris Isaak brings the fur! I…I’m nearly speechless. Wetsuit. Fur. Um… (BusyBeeBlogger)

Snooki vs Cops! Why does the stubby sexpot always end up on the losing end of these exchanges with the law? CONSPIRACY! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Divorcing Celebrities celebrate Memorial Day! Shop till you drop/straddle a penis replacement. Guess which is the Kennedy. (CelebritySmack)

The Girl with the Most Awesome Movie Trailer. Or dragon tattoo. But everybody I know has one of those. Just me then? Just me? (CelebVIPLounge)

Sean Kingston and his plus one admitted to Emergency, bypassing the velvet rope. In related news, people have serious accidents on JetSki’s? (DailyStab)

Good news/Bad news: In Good News news, next generation Kardashians are unable to replicate. In Bad News news, they may still be sleeping with your children. (EarSucker)

Selma Blair much less intolerable pregnant. In related news, Selma Blair pregnant (who knew? who cared?) (FitFabCeleb)

Top THAT! 15 Stars wearing top hats: if Only I were one. My top hat fetish is a remnant of my 80′s upbringing. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Miley Cyrus makes it easy for the TSA. And also gossip bloggers looking for cheap shots. (HaveUHeard)

“Hobbit” teasers. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (HollywoodHiccups)

Adorable mentally impaired person proposes to Lady Gaga on Twitter. No response yet. (INeedMyFix)

Born this way: deeply in debt. Oh, who can’t relate to this? (MathewGuiver)

Britney hates Brazil? Don’t cry for her! (PoorBritney)

And this is WHY the Bielebers hate Selina Gomez. Because you don’t get a figure like that lying around your Scarborough bedroom listening to YouTubes! (TheSkinny)

More Pink! More Plump! More Plus! Oh come on, who doesn’t love this woman? More of her is ALWAYS better! (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

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