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The Ice Queen, Frosted

Sienna Miller, Ice Queen

Sienna Miller, Ice Queen

Sienna Miller. What to do with Sienna Miller? Well, it’s not like Hollywood is waiting for me to answer the question, but if they were, I would like to think I’d come up with a better answer than this dress. Let’s break it down.

Sienna Miller is beautiful beyond the lot of mortals, and it looks to be natural. Good for her. She also has exactly the body type that looks great in designer clothes, and isn’t afraid to put the work in to make sure she stays that way and makes an impression on the red carpet.

So why, in the name of Duncan Hines, is she wearing what appears to be a thickly-spread layer of buttercream frosting on her tits?

Kim Kardashian Konverts

From American black tie:

KK & K

KK & K

Kanye: I want your boots. They’re like Bottega Veneta does Docs. Kim: it’s black with black, not brown with black. Haven’t you been doing this awhile now? And put your tits back where they belong before they pop out and there’s a seismic incident.

To:

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Naomi 20 Watts

Marchesa dress wearing Naomi Watts

Marchesa dress wearing Naomi Watts

Seriously Ms. Watts, you would have to be a pretty dim bulb to think this lampshade from Marchesa was ever the right choice.

Cate Just Can’t With This

Cate Blanchett

Cate Blanchett would like a napkin, please.

And that was the moment that Cate decided to call an end to her torrid affair with Spiderman. Sure, it’s fun and all, but the limo en route to the red carpet is no place for bukkake.

Baby Got…what IS that thing?

The looks on the faces of the witnesses said it all.

The Smiths

The Smith Family

Rihanna is not worried. One Direction is drunk.

Rihanna is not worried. One Direction is drunk.

Is that guy in the back watching the sky, waiting for a lightning bolt to strike this unholy abomination? Has he called in a drone strike? What unspeakable apparition has so horrified the normally unflappable Smiths? Click over the jump to see, but remember: what has been seen cannot be unseen!

(more…)

Cut that out!

Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy on the red carpet

Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy on the red carpet

Okay, if there’s anybody that doesn’t love these two, you may now close the blog and go back to, I dunno, Brittle Hipster Menthol Snobbery Blog or what-have-you. Now that I’ve got it straight that their new movie is not a sequel to the Robert DeNiro Heat, I’m all the more eager to see it.

And can we just stop for a moment and admire the way Sandy is absolutely nailing it here, fashion-wise? From the tips of her black pedicure to the strappy sandals to the cut out leather dress which signals Badassery and also the ability to wear a cut out leather dress in one’s forties to the unfussy, beachy hair, Sandra Bullock is owning it.

Which makes it my sad duty to say that Melissa is, unfortunately, not owning it. She ain’t even renting it. There is “easy” but then there is “shapeless.” And the scrolldown fug, Oh My God! If they were palazzo pants I might almost forgive this thing, with its tacky cheap zipper that won’t stay in place, its no-neckline neckline, and it’s revolting cupping of the tummy. But noooooo! The one place this thing is tight where it’s supposed to be tight is just where it shouldn’t be. It draws the eye to those awful $45-Payless-looking platforms and frankly make her look like she’s going to tip over any second. Unbalanced is the word for this look. The fabric seems nice, and the color is good on her if not amazing, but it doesn’t fit, and if it did fit it would still look damn awkward. Melissa, there are going to be a lot of red carpets in your future, and this ain’t your first time out at this particular rodeo. “Knockoff Norma Kamali” is not your look; learn this now.

Julianne Moore Toes Noes

Julianne Moore Toes Noes

Julianne Moore Toes Noes

The drag queens call this “serving shrimp,” but whatever you call it, it’s quite clear from this photo of the red carpet at Cannes that Julianne Moore Cannes stand a great deal of pain.

Who Wore it Better: Robin Williams or Kim Kardashian?

Robin Williams wins the internet today.

And as if simple visuals weren’t enough to snag him the victory cup in this playoff, it’s doubtful he’s ever lied about being a Size Four.

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