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Net Zero

Jlaw Dior net zero

Jlaw Dior net zero

It must be confessed, and that by me, that I have not been following the Hunger Games: not read the books, not seen the movies. And yet I am somewhat surprised to see the delightful and talented Jennifer Lawrence here at the premiere of the sequel, wearing what appears to be an Esther Williams swimming costume sheathed in a cover-up made of designer screen door netting. Is there a part of this movie where she dives deep and does duel with fearsome Grindylows to win for the greater glory of Griffindor?

Okay, no, wait. Don’t tell me. I’m liking this. Once I can figure out how to work in an 80’s era Patrick Duffy, I’m good with this. Don’t burst my bubble!

Celebrity Astronomy: Lunar Craters.

Kim Kardashian VPL

I Kant with Kim

Never mind the eclipse. Judging from the visible craters, it’s time that someone stepped up and told Kim that you just don’t wear panties with Spanx. VPL meets VSL and there’s no YSL about it, Balenciaga or not, quadrabutt will never be in. Someone break it to Kanye.

Natalie Portman’s Dior Airbaby Debuts

Natalie Portman air baby

Natalie Portman air baby

And doesn’t she look thrilled about it? Looks like 2013 is the year of ostentatiously artificial hair dyes and air babies. Because 1983 was the year of Sequin Tube Top.

Happy Halloween from Ayyyy!

Princess Charlene is Disney's newest villainess: Melancholia

Princess Charlene is Disney’s newest villainess: Melancholia

Looking like Maleficent’s blonde evil cheerleader niece, Princess Charlene represents dutifully, as she always does. The day when she finally snaps, I hope the paparazzi are there to see it.

If you’ve left things till far too late and still haven’t got a good costume (what, no Guy Fieri?) and decided you haven’t got the bod (or the tolerance for synthetics) to do a Miley Cyrus, never fear. We’ve got a do-it-yourself gecko costume from the same YouTube genius as brought you Miley. Enjoy?

Also, we toast the return of Chloe!

If you neglected Halloween altogether, you can always print yourself out an Anonymous mask and hang out till November 5 and the Million Mask March.

Mister Lawrence for Miss Dior

Jennifer Lawrence is just thrilled to be here

Jennifer Lawrence is just thrilled to be here

And here we have the lovely and talented Jennifer Lawrence, appearing for Miss Dior the fragrance, which is delicate, classic, young, and probably the scent your grandmother wore the night she lost her virginity (if she wasn’t the “Charlie” class). The House of Dior is one of the greatest design houses and is currently having a wonderful year both in terms of design and in terms of PR, having hung on to the beautiful and fragrant Natalie Portman and now snagged the hottest young woman in Hollywood to represent their most youth-appropriate fragrance.

So it is a mystery to me why they’ve done her up like a very expensive and sweaty butch barfly at last call, but they have. What is more heinous still is having the brass to release this photo in the US with a crappy crop job just to cut out the cigarette. If you’re going to go to such lengths to make something acceptable to the American market, do not simultaneously lower the quality by an order of magnitude, because we can, like, tell. It’s condescending, and it’s not as if it can’t be done well: the French version of Emma Watson’s Tresor Midnight Rose commercial had a cigarette in it; the American did not, but you don’t miss it and there is no visible hole where it was. If we’re going to have censorship in the name of bodily purity, let it at least be done well. At seventy bucks a bottle, it’s not like they can’t afford to pay someone competent.

Miss Dior

The Ice Queen, Frosted

Sienna Miller, Ice Queen

Sienna Miller, Ice Queen

Sienna Miller. What to do with Sienna Miller? Well, it’s not like Hollywood is waiting for me to answer the question, but if they were, I would like to think I’d come up with a better answer than this dress. Let’s break it down.

Sienna Miller is beautiful beyond the lot of mortals, and it looks to be natural. Good for her. She also has exactly the body type that looks great in designer clothes, and isn’t afraid to put the work in to make sure she stays that way and makes an impression on the red carpet.

So why, in the name of Duncan Hines, is she wearing what appears to be a thickly-spread layer of buttercream frosting on her tits?

Kim Kardashian Konverts

From American black tie:

KK & K

KK & K

Kanye: I want your boots. They’re like Bottega Veneta does Docs. Kim: it’s black with black, not brown with black. Haven’t you been doing this awhile now? And put your tits back where they belong before they pop out and there’s a seismic incident.

To:

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Naomi 20 Watts

Marchesa dress wearing Naomi Watts

Marchesa dress wearing Naomi Watts

Seriously Ms. Watts, you would have to be a pretty dim bulb to think this lampshade from Marchesa was ever the right choice.

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