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Cate Blanchett Airbaby Coming Along Nicely

Cate Blanchett's Dior High Score

Cate Blanchett’s Dior High Score

Cate Blanchett took her airbaby out for another walk yesterday, allowing her to show off the very latest design from the retro-90’s House of Pogs couture.

Cate Just Can’t With This

Cate Blanchett

Cate Blanchett would like a napkin, please.

And that was the moment that Cate decided to call an end to her torrid affair with Spiderman. Sure, it’s fun and all, but the limo en route to the red carpet is no place for bukkake.

Baby Got…what IS that thing?

The looks on the faces of the witnesses said it all.

The Smiths

The Smith Family

Rihanna is not worried. One Direction is drunk.

Rihanna is not worried. One Direction is drunk.

Is that guy in the back watching the sky, waiting for a lightning bolt to strike this unholy abomination? Has he called in a drone strike? What unspeakable apparition has so horrified the normally unflappable Smiths? Click over the jump to see, but remember: what has been seen cannot be unseen!


Oh. Gee.

Oh Jeez, Miley!

Oh Jeez, Miley!

Here is fresh-faced country-western scion and pop princess Miley Cyrus demonstrating just how white a white girl can look while appropriating slogans from black culture. She looks like a Harvard Park & Ride lot lizard the day after Labor Day.

Aniston, what are you doing?

I’m talking about this dress:

Dioriffic! Is that a perfume name? It should be.

Dioriffic! Is that a perfume name? It should be.

There are three things to say about this dress:

  1. It’s cute. It’s bloody adorable, in fact. It’s what Zooey Deschanel would wear if she were a grown person I could stand instead of a twee hipster pixie girl. It feels disloyal to like Dior without Galliano, but this is a beautiful, flattering, feminine dress that reminds you that there are pretty things in the world which are not brittle or sleek.
  2. It needs a good pressing.
  3. It’s entirely inappropriate for a premiere, which is where she wore it. This is a lunch dress, or a day wedding guest’s dress. This is the dress you wear with your best friends or your favorite aunt when you go sit on an expensive restaurant’s patio and drink just a little bit too much prosecco together while flirting lightly with the men at the next table.

I’ve been thinking a lot about dresses for the red (or here, blue) carpet lately. Well, it’s the sort of thing I get paid for, isn’t it? Aniston usually gets it right; she’s been doing it since before the Rachel was a thing, and this year she’s mixed up the long gowns with some very dressy short dresses, they’re still notably formal, even if they’re a bit hard-edged for my taste. They are prom or homecoming dresses, not lunch on the patio dresses (side note: until this week I didn’t know there were homecoming dresses. I thought homecoming involved tailgate picnics and lots of LL Bean. Once pointed to DressFirst, I learned my mistake; not a plaid in sight!).

So ultimately, this is the right dress in the wrong place at the wrong time. Mind you, we can’t rule out the possibility that she was indeed going to have a long, boozy lunch on an expensive patio later and if she was, more power to her! But bring the dress in a tote next time and change later!

Madame Tussaud’s Finest Hour

MoneGASP! Royal Family.

MoneGASP! Royal Family.

Designer Karl Lagerfeld stares grimly at the latest exhibition in the House of Wax. Sure, he recognizes Princess Caroline and her brother, along with his corpse bride. And who doesn’t know Natalia Vodyanova, even in that ghastly lipstick? Alas, M. Arnault there looks more like a youthful Griffin Dunne, while unfortunately, none of the attendants was able to enlighten Uncle Karl as to the reason the Stockard Channing figurine on the far left was included in the display.

Cut that out!

Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy on the red carpet

Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy on the red carpet

Okay, if there’s anybody that doesn’t love these two, you may now close the blog and go back to, I dunno, Brittle Hipster Menthol Snobbery Blog or what-have-you. Now that I’ve got it straight that their new movie is not a sequel to the Robert DeNiro Heat, I’m all the more eager to see it.

And can we just stop for a moment and admire the way Sandy is absolutely nailing it here, fashion-wise? From the tips of her black pedicure to the strappy sandals to the cut out leather dress which signals Badassery and also the ability to wear a cut out leather dress in one’s forties to the unfussy, beachy hair, Sandra Bullock is owning it.

Which makes it my sad duty to say that Melissa is, unfortunately, not owning it. She ain’t even renting it. There is “easy” but then there is “shapeless.” And the scrolldown fug, Oh My God! If they were palazzo pants I might almost forgive this thing, with its tacky cheap zipper that won’t stay in place, its no-neckline neckline, and it’s revolting cupping of the tummy. But noooooo! The one place this thing is tight where it’s supposed to be tight is just where it shouldn’t be. It draws the eye to those awful $45-Payless-looking platforms and frankly make her look like she’s going to tip over any second. Unbalanced is the word for this look. The fabric seems nice, and the color is good on her if not amazing, but it doesn’t fit, and if it did fit it would still look damn awkward. Melissa, there are going to be a lot of red carpets in your future, and this ain’t your first time out at this particular rodeo. “Knockoff Norma Kamali” is not your look; learn this now.

Fashion as Horse Race

Welcome to Chantilly, bitches.

Chantilly 164th Prix de Diane, horse race

Chantilly 164th Prix de Diane, horse race

BAM! And that is how you dress for a great stakes race. For how you dress for a claiming race, see the “acid wash” tag.

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