Since our last caption contest apparently intimidated you all into silence, we thought this might work better: a possibly over-Botoxed and apparently alarmed Winona Ryder. Tell us in the captions just what it is that is terrifying this It Girl of 1994.

Winona No No

Jil Sander Murse

This, my friends, is a paper bag.

It is not just any paper bag.

It is a paper bag designed by famed German minimalist Jil Sander, and it retails for £185 or $292.59US.

But you don’t want it.

This is the medium size, and at a mere 14″x8″x5″ it is nowhere near large enough to hold the dosage of shame you should have to cart around for paying for the damn thing in the first place.

Jeremy Renner is coordinated

From the blog of Ouyang Dan and the Department of Intriguing Questions comes:

How do you get socks to match a watch? I’m just curious!

Enquiring minds want to know…

Old Spice

This is what happens when someone combines Commando and Half Mast.

Phyllis Diller

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, “Who could have done this? We have no enemies.”

- Phyllis Diller

As they say on Tumblr, GPOY.

Phyllis Diller is my spirit animal, and now that she’s gone to meet her maker (he’s SCARED and he’s getting out the good cocktail glasses) the world is a duller place. It is even a less stylish place.

Gaga, Keshia, and Nicki Minaj are just going to have to find someone else to rip off.

Phyllis Diller tiptoes through the tulips

There is no neck, however heinous, that cannot be improved upon by an enormous collar of plastic beads.

Phyllis Diller before and after

When in doubt, add eyelashes. And rhinestones, in case the eyelashes feel conspicuous.

Phyllis Diller’s hair raising situation

I don’t know what the question was, but the answer was obviously “VOLUME!”

Phyllis Diller vs Hairdressers

You can hardly blame them for putting a price on her head. At least, parts of it.

Phyllis Diller was an American Rose

How I wish I could have found a recording of her singing The Rose, but as a consolation prize here she is singing her theme song, “(I can’t get no) Satisfaction). Yes, really.

Jessica Biel improvises

Now THAT is a star! Caught in Berlin without her luggage, Jessica Biel quickly ripped down the wallpaper from the lobby of a Best Western and contrived a nifty little top and bottom number that had the fashionistas swooning. With laughter.

Fashgif does Prada

We can’t show you the moving delights of FashGIF, our new favorite blog, but you can see this print in action by clicking on the image. You will definitely want to see these miracles of animation; they have oodles more movement than, say, Nicole Kidman’s face.

Kat Dem Tings

“Did you get your shot boys? You got it? Tell me you got it!” and with that, Kat Dennings’s shoulder blades snapped back into place and she went back to her standard 34B.

This red carpet appearance has been sponsored by the miracle of modern cantilever engineering.