We’re slowly catching up on our imaginary-prize-giving for the Caption Contests. Come back with us to an earlier time. A simpler time. A significantly less fabulous time: the Nineties!

Nirvana and RuPaul

They were, without question, the worst Supremes cover band of all time.

Congratulations and imaginary swag to igirl99, a second-time winner, if my memory does not fail me. For her victory, we shall award her a case of black smudge stick eye liner from Stila and the very plaid, very 90′s Eugenia Kim black and beige ‘Sammy’ trooper hat from Bluefly.

Smells like…VICTORY!

Helen Mirren and Judi Dench take over the WORLD

It’s their world. We just live in it. Sure, sure, only one of them has reproduced, but just think how much greater the world would be if we all had a little of that DNA.

Even though he seems to be shorter than I always thought, you still don’t want to piss off Buster Keaton. Not only could the guy throw a punch, but he also knows exactly what looks good on him. Enjoy this delightful little video of a youthful Keaton being taken hat shopping by his burly, bullying father. Who wouldn’t look good unless you put a bag over his face, but that’s neither here nor there.

Michael Fassbender

Dapper just always works. Dapper plus Irish really works. Dapper plus Irish plus physical perfection…well, excuse us a minute. We need some “alone time.”

Yes, the holiday season is upon us. And just because your show was cancelled years ago and you’ve really never come into your own since, that’s no reason not to dress for celebration. And captioning.

Spike is sad he missed out on that part in Bridget Jones's Diary

Lady Gaga is all about the gheys

Lady Gaga has a lot on her mind lately. In related news, science has once again confirmed the link between the brains of gay males and straight females.

It nearly kills me to admit it, but while I deplore the Duchess of Cornwall’s taste in most things (including husbands; including other people’s) I do reserve a soft spot in my heart for her taste in hats. I’d steal every single one of them right off her head (and then send them out to be properly cleaned, because she’s a stinky smoker).

Now THAT is fascinating!

This? Wins. I love it because of the cray-cray.

Then again, at Zara Phillips’ wedding, she didn’t have much in the way of competition.

Royal Wedding Hats round 2

I mean, if you’ve seen one beige, tilted UFO, you’ve seen them all, really. Beatrice at least gets points for colour, and for using a pasta plate instead.

There is no official “Camilla” cocktail (although she looks like she’s no stranger to that favorite of the Highlands, Chiskey) but here is the recipe for the cocktails Camille Grammer served on the Real Housewives’ Dinner Party from Hell episode. And now, some gossip links.

In the cards: in which I freak out a tarot card reader. AGAIN (raincoaster)

Sunday Caption Contest: Spock is Not Impressed with Alexander McQueen (Ayyyy)

Mystery Meat: Sautee Anything! Celebrity Food Truck Concepts. (ManoloFood)

Are YOU a Believer?????/??? Andy Samberg is, thank Tinkerbell! (Lolebrity)

Who is your favorite comedian? And “none of them” is acceptable (CrassTalk)

Rachael Zoe is back, and determined to clothe the world! (BusyBeeBlogger)

I’m wondering if we can enter Rachel Zoe in this (CelebritySmack)

Lindsay Lohan pioneers new frontiers in debasement (CelebVIPLounge)

Oh, lookie: Tila Tequila still exists! (CityRag)

Kings of Leon, bums in Dallas (DailyStab)

Reese Witherspoon will ice you! (EarSucker)

Oh, this should end well. Charlie Sheen in charge of his ex-wife’s rehab (FitFabCeleb)

Stars and their Hummers: photos! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Lady Gaga has the largest collection of Ukranian mail order brides in the WORLD! (HaveUHeard)

Kim Kardashian scores a Wang (HollywoodHiccups)

Do you really want to look at Madonna’s W.E.? (INeedMyFix)

Smells like a lawsuit to me, Britney! (PoorBritney)

Gravity! It works on celebrities, too! (PopBytes)

Hugh Jackman, half naked and wet. You’re welcome (SwoonWorthy)

Selah.

John Paul George and Loser

Ringo always had a propensity to play the fool unwittingly; it was this and not his equally regrettable penchant for country music, that led to the endless “but without Ringo, they could have gone far” arguments.

Poor dweeb. Let’s drink to Ringo with a Ringo Cocktail (much better than a John, a Paul, or a George, it must be said) and distract ourselves from the pathetic meaninglessness of existence with some gossip links.

Hideous video proof of the atavistic survival of HP Lovecraft’s unspeakable Cthulhu-worshipping Deep Ones. In related news, not all Brazilians are attractive in bikinis. Who knew? (raincoaster)

Saturday Caption Contest: Janice Dickinson. Caption this avatar of style and grace for fantastic, completely imaginary prizes (Ayyyy)

VODKANAPPING!!! I repeat: VODKANAPPING! Have you seen this Crystal Head vodka roaming the Californian countryside? If so, forget the police and call me: I’ll bring Campari. Negroni time, baby! (ManoloFood)

Severus Snape schools Voldemort. Oh, this will not end well: probably in slash, in fact. Yes, all wizard battles should be settled in X-rated slash fanfics, if you axe me which I note you did not but you should anyway. Not that I would write that. Well, not for free, anyway (Lolebrity)

Anthony Burgess is more prolific than you FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!! Seriously, won’t this dude ever let up? What’s his fucking problem anyway? (Crasstalk)

Handy-dandy how to handle internet drama tips for fun and/or profit. Or just cheap laughs sometimes (raincoastermedia)

Lady Gaga’s shoes almost outed Ryan Seacrest. Finally, she performs a useful social function. Almost. Insert tortured Cinderella/sex toy/Freudian metaphor here (AgentBedhead)

Matthew Perry attempts to focus on sobriety. It’s a lot easier to focus when you close one eye, dude. I uh, read it somewhere. (BusyBeeBlogger)

The Wisteria Sisters strike again! Kate Middleton’s sister climbs into the ranks of the aristocracy (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Wonder Woman is Dead!!! And the universe strokes its adamantium bracelets and goes “dodged a bullet there”. (CelebritySmack)

The Gouvernator has a plus one. Or two. Or three. Or, really, how desperate ARE the women of California? Seriously! (CelebVIPLounge)

Ashton Kutcher cast in Two and a Half Men. He has tons of experience being the baby of the family, so this should work out well. (DailyStab)

Mariah Carey almost loses her twin unicorn babies! Child Protection Services are just a bunch of big ol’ anti-partyite poopooheads. (EarSucker)

KK and KO show off the latest in “capable of withstanding incredible horizontal tension” couture. Sponsored by Azzedine Alaia for Michelin and the Jaws of Life. (FitFabCeleb)

14 celebs getting their drank on! Cheers, we’ll drink to that. To the point where we can’t see Snooki’s burnt mug clearly anymore and can go to sleep happy. In related news, Irish Pajamas is a thing (GirlsTalkinSmack)

This isn’t the first time a police escort has taken a 16-year-old home, but it’s the first time Ryan Seacrest’s dream ever came to actual life knowmasayin? (HaveUHeard)

The Muppets are back, bitchez! Lock up your stuffed toys and hide your anthropomorphic pets! (HollywoodHiccups)

Britney’s Dramamobile is on display. But then, so is everything of Britney’s, all the damn time. (PoorBritney)

Ashton Kutcher will have you know he’s a man of parts. And you can see most of them in this picture. (SwoonWorthy)