It nearly kills me to admit it, but while I deplore the Duchess of Cornwall’s taste in most things (including husbands; including other people’s) I do reserve a soft spot in my heart for her taste in hats. I’d steal every single one of them right off her head (and then send them out to be properly cleaned, because she’s a stinky smoker).

Now THAT is fascinating!

This? Wins. I love it because of the cray-cray.

Then again, at Zara Phillips’ wedding, she didn’t have much in the way of competition.

Royal Wedding Hats round 2

I mean, if you’ve seen one beige, tilted UFO, you’ve seen them all, really. Beatrice at least gets points for colour, and for using a pasta plate instead.

There is no official “Camilla” cocktail (although she looks like she’s no stranger to that favorite of the Highlands, Chiskey) but here is the recipe for the cocktails Camille Grammer served on the Real Housewives’ Dinner Party from Hell episode. And now, some gossip links.

In the cards: in which I freak out a tarot card reader. AGAIN (raincoaster)

Sunday Caption Contest: Spock is Not Impressed with Alexander McQueen (Ayyyy)

Mystery Meat: Sautee Anything! Celebrity Food Truck Concepts. (ManoloFood)

Are YOU a Believer?????/??? Andy Samberg is, thank Tinkerbell! (Lolebrity)

Who is your favorite comedian? And “none of them” is acceptable (CrassTalk)

Rachael Zoe is back, and determined to clothe the world! (BusyBeeBlogger)

I’m wondering if we can enter Rachel Zoe in this (CelebritySmack)

Lindsay Lohan pioneers new frontiers in debasement (CelebVIPLounge)

Oh, lookie: Tila Tequila still exists! (CityRag)

Kings of Leon, bums in Dallas (DailyStab)

Reese Witherspoon will ice you! (EarSucker)

Oh, this should end well. Charlie Sheen in charge of his ex-wife’s rehab (FitFabCeleb)

Stars and their Hummers: photos! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Lady Gaga has the largest collection of Ukranian mail order brides in the WORLD! (HaveUHeard)

Kim Kardashian scores a Wang (HollywoodHiccups)

Do you really want to look at Madonna’s W.E.? (INeedMyFix)

Smells like a lawsuit to me, Britney! (PoorBritney)

Gravity! It works on celebrities, too! (PopBytes)

Hugh Jackman, half naked and wet. You’re welcome (SwoonWorthy)

Selah.

John Paul George and Loser

Ringo always had a propensity to play the fool unwittingly; it was this and not his equally regrettable penchant for country music, that led to the endless “but without Ringo, they could have gone far” arguments.

Poor dweeb. Let’s drink to Ringo with a Ringo Cocktail (much better than a John, a Paul, or a George, it must be said) and distract ourselves from the pathetic meaninglessness of existence with some gossip links.

Hideous video proof of the atavistic survival of HP Lovecraft’s unspeakable Cthulhu-worshipping Deep Ones. In related news, not all Brazilians are attractive in bikinis. Who knew? (raincoaster)

Saturday Caption Contest: Janice Dickinson. Caption this avatar of style and grace for fantastic, completely imaginary prizes (Ayyyy)

VODKANAPPING!!! I repeat: VODKANAPPING! Have you seen this Crystal Head vodka roaming the Californian countryside? If so, forget the police and call me: I’ll bring Campari. Negroni time, baby! (ManoloFood)

Severus Snape schools Voldemort. Oh, this will not end well: probably in slash, in fact. Yes, all wizard battles should be settled in X-rated slash fanfics, if you axe me which I note you did not but you should anyway. Not that I would write that. Well, not for free, anyway (Lolebrity)

Anthony Burgess is more prolific than you FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!! Seriously, won’t this dude ever let up? What’s his fucking problem anyway? (Crasstalk)

Handy-dandy how to handle internet drama tips for fun and/or profit. Or just cheap laughs sometimes (raincoastermedia)

Lady Gaga’s shoes almost outed Ryan Seacrest. Finally, she performs a useful social function. Almost. Insert tortured Cinderella/sex toy/Freudian metaphor here (AgentBedhead)

Matthew Perry attempts to focus on sobriety. It’s a lot easier to focus when you close one eye, dude. I uh, read it somewhere. (BusyBeeBlogger)

The Wisteria Sisters strike again! Kate Middleton’s sister climbs into the ranks of the aristocracy (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Wonder Woman is Dead!!! And the universe strokes its adamantium bracelets and goes “dodged a bullet there”. (CelebritySmack)

The Gouvernator has a plus one. Or two. Or three. Or, really, how desperate ARE the women of California? Seriously! (CelebVIPLounge)

Ashton Kutcher cast in Two and a Half Men. He has tons of experience being the baby of the family, so this should work out well. (DailyStab)

Mariah Carey almost loses her twin unicorn babies! Child Protection Services are just a bunch of big ol’ anti-partyite poopooheads. (EarSucker)

KK and KO show off the latest in “capable of withstanding incredible horizontal tension” couture. Sponsored by Azzedine Alaia for Michelin and the Jaws of Life. (FitFabCeleb)

14 celebs getting their drank on! Cheers, we’ll drink to that. To the point where we can’t see Snooki’s burnt mug clearly anymore and can go to sleep happy. In related news, Irish Pajamas is a thing (GirlsTalkinSmack)

This isn’t the first time a police escort has taken a 16-year-old home, but it’s the first time Ryan Seacrest’s dream ever came to actual life knowmasayin? (HaveUHeard)

The Muppets are back, bitchez! Lock up your stuffed toys and hide your anthropomorphic pets! (HollywoodHiccups)

Britney’s Dramamobile is on display. But then, so is everything of Britney’s, all the damn time. (PoorBritney)

Ashton Kutcher will have you know he’s a man of parts. And you can see most of them in this picture. (SwoonWorthy)

Adrien Brody's prayers were answered when he made Hump Day Hunk

There’s just something about this skeevy bastard that I like. Maybe it’s that he’s a winning rally driver. Maybe it’s that he looks so intellectual, and dresses so Pool Shark. Maybe it’s that hell, it’s been a long time and … but there, I’ve said too much. And besides, I can’t run Prince Harry every week, can I?

Let’s toast to Adrien’s dream come true with a spirited round of Pool Shark, the Drinking Game and some gossip links.

Wine A-Z; the ultimate Go Cup! A jogging bra/wine skin combo? Why the hell not, my camelbak imbues my Sauv Blanc with aromas of Gatorade as it is. (Manolofood)

Van Gogh and Orcas Unicorn Chaser. Make your hump day a little smoother with soothing pictures of swirling stars and wild whales in Downtown Vangroover. Yes, orcas belong in a gossip roundup. I’m Canadian, dammit.  (raincoaster)

Top That! Princess Beatrice’s amazing Hat of Hideousness (+10) is for sale on eBay to benefit children, if not onlookers (Ayyyy)

George Clooney chickens out. The television remake of Men Who Stare At Goats was disappointingly downscaled. (Lolebrity)

Life, Death, Violence, Barbie, and extremely mixed messages. I’m not exactly sure where the war crimes tribunal comes into it, but apparently it does, somewhere. Also: Ken is a draft dodger? (Crasstalk)

Dear God, Johnny Depp is a kinky beast. Taking a page from Chuck Berry, he made Penelope Cruz dress up as a … no, I can’t even say it. Seriously, nobody would put Salma Hayek through that. (AgentBedhead)

Is House getting evicted? Hugh Laurie has a great big, leaky mouth. There, take THAT image into your Bertie/Jeeves slash-thinking mind. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Yet another Jagger kid poses nekkid. Surely I thought we’d run out of these potato-faced wonders by now, but apparently not. Is “Club Kid” really a career choice? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

This is perhaps the most terrifying headline of all time, until you smack yourself in the head and say “IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU PERVERT” and move on. But still. (CelebritySmack)

Oh, Will Smith. It’s not the size: it’s how you use it! And using it to annoy an entire neighborhood is just Letting the Thetans Win. (CelebVIPLounge)

Bristol Palin, now surgically enhanced! But not improved: it wasn’t brain surgery, after all. (DailyStab)

Taylor Swift will out a bitch! This girl doesn’t exist off the record, and if you’re dating her, neither do you (EarSucker)

Lady Gaga is Asian? Golly, she MUST have had some serious work done; she doesn’t look it. (FitFabCeleb)

Owen Freaking Wilson and yeah, like, a bunch of other celebs in Cannes, but who gives a rat’s ass about them? Eh? OWEN WILSON! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Jennifer Aniston’s steamy banana handling. Look ma, no hands! No desperation, either…that is so NOT the sound of faint weeping I hear. Nosiree Bob. (HaveUHeard)

L’innocent sentenced to live in mansion next door to coke connection. Poor thing. That’ll teach HER! (HollywoodHiccups)

Who’s the $100 million man? The one going around spreading herpes? Yeah, “That one who dated Paris Hilton” doesn’t really narrow it down any. (INeedMyFix)

Joan Rivers better watch her back: Kermit the Frog is after her job. The Red Carpet just got a little greener and a LOT cuter (PopBytes)

Adorable Prince Harry and adorable puppy being adorable. Adorbz! What are you still doing here? CLICKY CLICK CLICK! (Swoonworthy)

Caption the Gouvernator and his ex. I’m thinking something Harry Potter related. She reminds me of Emma Thompson’s character, the Divinology professor. (RightCelebrity)

Mai Cthulhu Hat. Let me show u it.

Princess Beatrice’s stunning Royal Wedding hat was so stunning it became a worldwide source of attention, launching a thousand stunning photoshops and at least half as many cheap, stunned laughs. Now, it is poised to launch that many bids, as the heinous beribboned toilet seat goes up for auction to benefit charity.

Yes, the daughter of Fergie plans to auction the shapely chapeau on eBay, to raise money for Fergie UNICEF. No word yet on where the bidding will start, but my guess is somewhere around £1,000 (approx. 4 million USD).

That sound? Was the sound of gays all around the world smashing their piggybanks. Till the auction goes live, you can get a paper version on eBay for less than ten bucks.

Related articles

• The Fallopian Tube Toilet Seat Hat Can Be Yours! (dlisted.com)
• Princess Beatrice’s ridiculous hat hits eBay: Um, any takers? (theglobeandmail.com)
• Everyone wants to be Lady Gaga (barrycyrus.wordpress.com)
• Princess Beatrice’s royal wedding hat gets everywhere (guardian.co.uk)

Princess Beatrice's Royal Wedding Atrocity I mean Hat

Salutations and greetings to the internet’s newest phenomenon: the royal wedding hat of Princess Beatrice. The world of amateur photoshoppers have hailed it as “the new cat” and, indeed, must be just about as irritating to try to see through (I pity the poor guests who had to sit behind this and look through the fallopian loops.

From the Toronto Star:

Beatrice is wearing what appears to be a mushroom-coloured silk doorknocker surrounded by an octopus in strangely Fallopian death throes. It might just as easily be an ancient birth control device known as a Dutch cap — they were still making them that beige colour in the mid-1970s — or a still-rolled condom combined with a snake metaphor, stuck for reasons best known to Beatrice on the top half of her face rather than her actual head.

But judge for yourself.

Princess Beatrice wearing her Royal Wedding Hat

The Royal Wedding entrance like none other. My shameful past as a Prince Andrew fangirl with full-on subscriptions to Majesty AND The Royals comes out as I say the Princess Ann and Camilla lookalikes are really startlingly good, but the emo cynic within me comes out when I note that even the fake Prince Harry has way more fun than the fake Prince William, who has way more fun than either of the real ones.

Now, let’s toast these glorious ersatzii with (what else?) a Buck’s Fizz and some common gossip links.

Tee Many Martoonis (ManoloFood)

Spa No Go? Oh. (raincoaster)

Marilyn Monroe conquers the world! (Ayyyy)

Is this how the Spears family started? (Lolebrity)

Tom Cruise sees red (AgentBedhead)

And it turns out he’s not even related to Viggo! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Evan Rachel Wood lives up to his name (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Vanessa Hudgens in tampon chain fashion tragedy (CelebritySmack)

And then Trump asked for its birth certificate (CelebVIPLounge)

Joey Ramone lives on. On white trash (CityRag)

NPH has double trouble (DailyStab)

How many celebutards does it take to dance on the head of a mushroom? (DippedInCream)

Oh, Aniston, it’s SO mutual (EarSucker)

Mike Tyson is serious about this yoga thing, too (FitFabCeleb)

Elizabeth Hurley will never age. STOP IT ALREADY, BITCH! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Let me get this straight…If you sleep under Miley Cyrus’ armpits, you will never have nightmares? (HaveUHeard)

JSimp wigs out (HollywoodHiccups)

Shack up with Glee! (INeedMyFix)

Royal Wedding rehearsal shocker! (MathewGuiver)

Nicki Minaj drops the dildo for Britney (PoorBritney)

Fergie drops the “D-List Bomb” on the TSA (PopBytes)

Huh? Seriously? Kirstie Alley was onstage at the same time? (Swoonworthy)

Miley Cyrus appears to have a shin cellulite problem??? (TheSkinny)

 

Eva Longoria gets 4 from the French Judge

Convinced she could stick the landing, Eva Longoria instead did a faceplant instead of a triple at GMA. Her fans claim the contest was fixed, but it’s a cinch that anyone with that kind of figure was skating on thin ice with this look.

Speaking of ice, let’s drop some into a tumbler and enjoy a Triple Lutz cocktail while perusing some links that probably should be put on ice before they swell.

Stupid Girl is sick in the head (raincoaster)

This has medicinal value (ManoloFood)

That’s a very strange growth (Ayyyy)

Beaker needs a tiger blood infusion (Lolebrity)

Canadian cancer faker free? (Gawker)

Giselle gets an unsatisfactory scan (AgentBedhead)

Bringing the Bird back from Beyond (BusyBeeBlogger)

RescussiAnnie has some competition from Charlie Sheen (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Baby On Board! (CelebritySmack)

She’s not wearing her blue gown, doctor! (CelebVIPLounge)

Which is why they call the front row Gynecology Row (DailyStab)

If she thinks she’s A-list, she needs her head examined (EarSucker)

Who needs a mammogram when you have THIS shirt? (FitFabCeleb)

I don’t care what he says, he still looks like a junkie (GirlsTalkinSmack)

100 days of sobriety? (HaveUHeard)

RIP (HollywoodHiccups)

The uterus that ATE a Promising Career! (INeedMyFix)

Rihanna’s PET scan results are internet-ready (MathewGuiver)

Britney’s body rumours put to rest? (PoorBritney)

Ferraris are like hemorrhoids (PopBytes)

Let’s give Paul Rudd his birthday wish to cure cancer (Swoonworthy)

She’s only five pounds away from being Mister Bones hanging in the corner of the lab (TheSkinny)

Making it easy for the nurse practitioner’s examination (TheSkinnyChic)

Go on and give her what for in the comments section:

Diane Von Furstenberg