Blaaaaake, Incarcerated for two more years (CelebritySmack)

The Pope finds your lack of faith disturbing (Lolebrity)

Patrick Swayze is immortal! (DListed)

Courtney Love is such a joker! (AgentBedhead)

No, really, she is (Gawker)

We need to set her up with these guys (CandyKirby)

Jessica Simpson is just like you, haters! (DailyStab)

The Chosen Twins spotted! (BauerGriffin)

Heidi Montag shipped to Iraq (JustJared)

Catastrophe on the set of “&” (Defamer)

Someone airlift Claudia Schiffer out of there before it’s too late (GoFugYourself)

If you turn your wife into you, is that self-abuse? (GabbyBabble)

Sean Connery thinks, strangely enough, that his grown son should get a job (CeleBitchy)

Dance like nobody’s watching…because if you’re Dina Lohan, it’s true! (IBBB)

Lindsay Lohan is a sellout (Websters)

Blogger donates kidney, liveblogs it (Mollygood)

Gwyneth’s so British she has a double-decker stroller (PopSugar)

Janet Jackson’s nipple not worth a half-million dollars (SeriouslyOMG)

Gore Vidal will have none of your nonfiction-worship, heathens! (Radar)

Katie Holmes goes shopping for an American Girl (WizbangPop)

Come on Janet, don’t be selfish.  Think of the less fortunate and the truly needy. You don’t even need yours at all! Surely you can spare a chunk out of your bangs to help out your friend there.  And it’s much less messy than donating a kidney!

Sulu picks a stardate, sets a course for lurve! (SeriouslyOMG)

Gina Gershon will have you know she has standards! (GenosWorld)

George Clooney’s castoffs fall to Earth in Las Vegas (CandyKirby)

Giant genie caught in Naomi Campbell’s gravitational field (CelebuWreck)

What planet is Amy Winehouse on? (POTP)

On what planet is KFed the best dad? (OK)

Hot 100 lists according to lesbians, gays, lad mags, and rags read only at the hairdresser’s (Buzzfeed)

Spaciest celebrity excuses (Gawker)

Jason Beghe is one brave Thetan (AgentBedhead)

Tom Cruise eats Thetans for breakfast (lolebrity)

Kirsti Alley’s body Thetans apparently breeding like rabbits (Yeeeeah)

The stratosphere’s the limit for Brangelina baby pic prices (DailyStab)

Alien Janet Jackson surprises Flat Earther Sherri Shepherd (AllieIsWired)

Tatum O’Neal’s excuses are out of this world (CelebritySmack)

Gwyneth Paltrow doing her bit to repopulate the Earth (ImNotObsessed)

Selma Blair rejects cyborg parts (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

Space coordinates of Heaven brought to you by Ashley Tisdale and a deodorant (JustJared)

Captain Kirk wants YOU! And your friend over there… (Defamer)

Ladies, ladies, don’t believe all you hear about the worldwide shortage of fabric.  It’s just a myth concocted by the evil fashion industry to justify producing half a dress at twice the cost.  Now you know the truth, don’t be afraid to exercise your rights to a demure garment.  And if you’re ever in need of some cloth, I’m sure Janet Jackson will be only too happy to lend you a yard or two.

“Hang on guys, let me get my girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens so she can be in the picture too. I promise she’ll keep her clothes on.”

“Please Zac, drop the act – your relationship is as fake as my luscious, manly weave.”

“OK maybe….but not as fake as Janet’s face, chest, stomach and ass!”

“Damn straight, girly-boy. Now everybody relax, don’t stare straight into the camera and look as natural as possible!”