Autobiography: Good anecdote, bad reality

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a quote for the ages:

“When my mother was about 7, my grandmother locked her in the closet. So, after my mom had been in the closet for about an hour, she asked my grandmother for a glass of water. My grandmother, naturally, said ‘Why?’ and my mother said ‘Because I’ve spit all over your dresses and now I’ve run out of spit and I wanna spit all over your shoes.’ These are the people I hail from.”

— Carrie Fisher

She’s also the author of one of the best opening lines in history, “I never should have given my phone number to the guy who pumped my stomach.”

Michael Jackson gave me the BEST present (raincoaster)

Who wore it better: a Gareth Pugh model or Godzilla (Ayyyy)

Frank Sinatra vs some pasty vegan (ManoloFood)

Katy Perry won’t admit she has a problem (Lolebrity)

This part is so radioactive they may have to hire Lindsay Lohan (AgentBedhead)

Amy Winehouse was once more ambitious than you (AmyGrindhouse)

RPattz pub candid! (TheBosh)

Reese Witherspoon ups the ante with her exes (BusyBeeBlogger)

This will not end well: fag vs hag (CeleBitchy)

Nicole Richie is no Lilo, yo! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Times Square is a Snooki-free zone (CelebritySmack)

Xtina has reXamined her approach to FARDS (CityRag)

No Doubt McCartney was thrilled to the core of his being (DailyStab)

Lock up your sperm! It’s time for Dancing with the Professional Uterus (Earsucker)

This has to be the best headline I have seen in WEEKS (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Archie Leach is appalled at this! (HaveUHeard)

Kelly Osbourne is OUT of control (INeedMyFix)

Kate Moss tiptoes her way out of modeling (JustJared)

A Charlie Sheen Christmas (PopBytes)

Coolest Hogwartian casts spell on Disney World (PerezHilton)

Kate Gosselin escapes to Australia to shoot her children (Radar)

Best-dressed heads of state (Styleite)

Sacha Baron Cohen, Jennifer Aniston and John Cusack enjoy a quiet Saturday night together, crank-calling Angelina Jolie. What do you think fueled this phone frenzy? I’d guess a few Wild Turkeys (like Jen’s last five movies).

Paul Newman has enemies (raincoaster)
Hogwarts uniforms get a fashionista makeover (Ayyyy)
Gaga is a MONSTER! (Lolebrity)
Liam Neeson elbows drunk anti-semite aside for part (CelebrityBeehive)
See Taylor. See Taylor’s Momsens (AgentBedhead)
If I were marrying that man, I’d hide my face too (BusyBeeBlogger)
Jon’s Hamm is free range (CeleBitchy)
Marion Cotillard should have bought a matched set (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)
Rod Stewart is a new parent (sorta) (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Celebrity pumpkinheads (CelebritySmack)
Dear Raccoon McPantsless (CojoStyle)
Canada’s most perennial export shows her assets. Again. (DailyStab)
Kim Kardashian doesn’t eat anyway (earsucker)
Your cokepants are safe! (EvilBeet)
Is there anyone this famewhore won’t date? (GabbyBabble)
Lady Gaga wearing half a My Little Pony (HaveUHeard)
This woman has the world’s most powerful cellphone (INeedMyFix)
This is the World’s Greatest Chick Flick (PerezHilton)
Britneyland is another country (PoorBritney)
Paris Hilton is dating up (PopBytes)

Want:

The Marie Antoinette Hoodie. Decapitate! It's great!

I NEED this in time for Bastille Day! Let’s toast to this excellent Threadless design with a glass of fine Armagnac diluted with just a splash of the late queen’s favorite tipple, Evian water. I can’t drink Evian straight; as Janis Joplin said, No water in my whiskey, man. It hurts my throat.

And now, your Friday gossip link roundup:

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! (raincoaster)
Friday Caption Contest: Shadow of a Superstar (Ayyyy)
Katherine Heigl gets the new Colonic Facial (CelebrityBeehive)
Herman. Pee-Wee Herman. (Lolebrity)
Fresh, free-range Hamm (Gawker)
War Dog of the Week (Warning: sappy) (ForeignPolicy)
That’s no lady! (AgentBedhead)
Two minutes and thirty-nine seconds with James Franco (AmyGrindhouse)
Dolph Lundgren is just asking for it (BusyBeeBlogger)
Dora the Explorer on the rocks (CeleBitchy)
Lindsay Lohan is not such a twit anymore (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Kim Kardashian’s snack tray holds a drink (CelebritySmack)
Britney weaned the kids off Cosmos (CityRag)
Cojo vs Ronald McDonald (CojoStyle)
Amy Winehouse crashes a lap (CrazyDaysAndNights)
Wino has “something” up her nose (INeedMyFix)
I SAID, Pull up yo damn pants! (Crunk&Disorderly)
Awww, I bet on Aeschylus (DailyStab)
Sienna Miller loves dressing up in Grandma’s outfits (DListed)
Is Renee Zellweger Bridget Jones or Jennifer Aniston? (EvilBeet)
Gooooood morning, Republicans! (HaveUHeard)
Snooki is a lobster racist! (IBBB)
80′s cartoon trivia quiz (LitelySalted)
Grover stars in new Old Spice campaign (MovieLine)
Amy Winehouse’s Taxi Driver (PerezHilton)
Weird celebrity fetish news (SeriouslyOMG)
Creepy celebrity dolls (ASL)

I know, I know.

I don’t CARE! I like him anyway: he purty. I propose a toast to Ben Affleck’s enduring aethetic appeal, and to make that toast we shall raise a glass of this newfangled Brewmaster’s Black Lager from Okanagan Springs that I just tasted today, as I was being interviewed for a podcast in the back room of a pub, which is generally the way I like to be interviewed if it can’t be on the deck of my shiny new yacht or the terrace of my beach villa in Costa Rica. Yes, black lager; that is what I call affirmative action, and I intend to affirm it as frequently as my diet will allow. This has been an un-paid-for plug inspired by Ben Affleck’s hawtness. You may now return to your regular gossip links.

Poor Elvis (Lolebrity)
Cruise with Captain Charon (raincoaster)
James Franco is a wanker (AgentBedhead)
St Angelina consoles sadly unfabulous Pakistanis (BusyBeeBlogger)
Gaga’s got some meat on her bones at last (CeleBitchy)
Oh come on; next you’ll be telling us her boobs are fake! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
The caftan does JSimp no favours (CelebritySmack)
I’m on a (filthy) boat! (CityRag)
This is an awkward triangle! (CojoStyle)
Jennifer Aniston attacking by proxy (DListed)
Billy Ray Cyrus produced a goth? (GabbyBabble)
Taylor Swift has the best hair in the NFL (HaveUHeard)
Someone PLEASE give Dennis Rodman a radio show (INeedMyFix)
Some Twihard’s dreams are coming true! (PerezHilton)
Eli Roth wanted for questioning (Pajiba)
But Mommy IS white trash (PoorBritney)
So Cougartown is bi-curious now? (SeriouslyOMG)

Behold the wonderment of Dolly Parton’s fashions of the 70′s (although with her, it’s as if time stands still, in a honky-tonk at a crossroads in small town in Alabama, about 1974):

via OMGBlog

Let’s face it, Dolly: you and I are the only ones who remember who Chesty Morgan was.

Are you a celebrity blogger who’d rather drink than link (and wouldn’t we all?) email me at raincoaster at gmail: I’m starting a linking service to do your work for you! And I’m working on an ad network to launch in the fall.

Eli Roth explains the VERY odd couple (Lolebrity)
The most Canadian story ever told (raincoaster)
2012 2.0 (AgentBedhead)
Katy Perry angling for a Spanx contract (AmyGrindhouse)
Brad Pitt will never be ugly enough to satisfy some people (CeleBitchy)
Mrs Brady to Dance with Stars! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Jennifer Aniston’s nude year (CityRag)
Will Forte Will Leave (DailyStab)
This is Britney’s fallback (DListed)
Michael Jackson’s legacy endangered! (HaveUHeard)
You used to have to pay $50 to watch this in a booth (INeedMyFix)
Hippo breeding patterns in New Jersey (IBBB)
You’ll pry the crocheted cowboy hat from her cold, dead, manicured hands (PerezHilton)

The divine Alan Cumming knows that if you have the panache, the red carpet can be the perfect background for something a little more…creative? eclectic? electric? than a penguin suit. I’m sorry, Agent Bedhead, you’ve got it ALL wrong; this look is all kinds of right (except the shoes; they’re just a titch too lesbian train mechanic, don’t you think?).

Are you a celebrity blogger who’d rather drink than link (and wouldn’t we all?) email me at raincoaster at gmail: I’m starting a linking service to do your work for you! And I’m working on an ad network to launch in the fall.

Pee-Wee Herman, Uneasy Rider (Ayyyy)
Billy still Idol (AgentBedhead)
Kiefer in a swimsuit…brb I need a moment… (BusyBeeBlogger)
Lock up your talcum powder! (CeleBitchy)
Vamps! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
This is the most hated woman on Earth (CelebritySmack)
Nudist Pudding Fight (CityRag)
are YOU on Cojo’s Best/worst Dressed list? (Cojostyle)
Tiger on the loose! (DailyStab)
are we SURE he wasn’t trying to flee instead? (GabbyBabble)
Little HGTV on the Prairie (GoFugYourself)
Cougars helping cougars (HaveUHeard)
George Michael guilty (INeedMyFix)
The Recapped Housewives of New Jersey (IBBB)
Michael Cera is That One Guy (Movieline)
Better Off Dead now better than ever! (SeriouslyOMG)

It’s about time we featured this hell-raiser. To the official World’s Coolest Canadian we raise a virtual shooter of Lotto 649: that’s a shot of the sixth bottle from the left, the fourth from the right, and the ninth from the left, mixed in a shooter.

Jennifer Aniston IS Cathy (Lolebrity)
The Divine Miss M (Farmer) (raincoaster)
Alexander Skarsgard is a closet preppy? (PopBytes)
U2.o (PerezHilton)
Frank? Harvey? (IBBB)
The Hoff to Host (HaveUHeard)
When tats collide! (DailyStab)
Richard Simmons’ pits of despair (CityRag)
Steven Tyler goes down on his audience (CelebritySmack)
Lilo’s caged heat (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Adam Lambert is an equal-opportunity diver (CelebrityFashionWatcher)
Gabriel Aubrey in bed (CeleBitchy)
This man has oral talents (BusyBeeBlogger)
Britney is a GleekTweep (AmyGrindhouse)
Necrophilia is the new black (AgentBedhead)

"Rebelle Fleur?" Rihanna?

Elle ne parle pas le Français. Nor her inkster neither. They should frappez la rue. Today’s links are brought to you by a lovely, dew-beaded glass of chilled Chablis.

This image is eternal (Lolebrity)
Keith Richards is a zombie (raincoaster)
raincoaster on the radio! (TheShebeenClub)
This blind item leads to undying infamy for “Interesting Nickname” (AgentBedhead)
Kanye wants braiiiinnssssssssssss! (AmyGrindhouse)
Zombie Karl Lagerfeld rolls with a hot pants posse (BusyBeeBlogger)
The Mummy speaks: backtracks (CeleBitchy)
Would a silver bullet work on this one? She MUST BE STOPPED (CelebDirtyLaundry)
The timeless (and possibly immortal) Osbourne family (CelebritySmack)
Crunk is not dead (CityRag)
It’s the END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (CojoStyle)
Wrestlers fail the immortality test (CelebrityFashionWatcher)
Conan rises from the dead! (DailyStab)
The Mommy Speaks! (DListed)
Undying divas: JLo and LTay (Lainey)
He’s no druggy, he just heard they were preservatives! (EvilBeet)
Presenting the pagan priestess of pop (GoFugYourself)
The Eternal Empress of Romcom slaughters Bill O’Reilly (HaveUHeard)
Jersey Shore sacrifices your childhood dreams (IBBB)
The Ladyparts That Will Not Die just swallowed another victim (JustJared)
Interview with the vampire (MovieLine)
The JLo rumour that refuses to die! (PerezHilton)
How to make a Frankenstein monster (PoorBritney)
Paris attacked by android body parts (PopBytes)
Sneak a peek at Supernatural! (SeriouslyOMG)