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Happy 48th Birthday, Johnny Depp!

Johnny Depp birthday boy

Johnny Depp birthday boy

Happy birthday to Johnny Depp, everyone’s favorite artsy pirate. I love this picture, both for the ripped knee (even though it’s so obviously done for fashion, rather than simply worn through and I normally hate that) and for the fact that THANK GOD my invisibility cloak worked and you can’t see what Johnny’s smiling at.

Ahem.

Let’s toast the birthday with a truly delicious Blue Jeans cocktail and some celebrity gossip:

Did I say I was finished with Julian Assange? Oh baby, I haven’t even STARTED yet. Here are his delicious links (insert dirty play on words of your choice here) plus more evidence he thinks of himself as Bill the Galactic Hero. (raincoaster)

Guess the Mystery Feet! This is a former A-lister with Garbo-esque tendencies and major sex appeal. Also: you KNOW what they say about men with long toes… (Ayyyy)

Will it saber? With a massive freakin’ Kenyan Spearhead? You bet your sweet bippy it will! GI Joe meets Funnest Bartender On Earth in the latest in the beloved YouTube series starring Matt Stache. (ManoloFood)

Arianna Huffington is so trendy! She’s seen here attempting to drain a media rival of blood. Bad news, Ari: you’re thirty years too late! (Lolebrity)

Caption Obama and his new best friend. Captioning iz hard, yo! (Crasstalk)

II, Claudius. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there’s a sequel for everything. (AgentBedhead)

Can a blogger get a Like, y’all? Vote for sleepy Bee and win eternal gratitude and possibly backlinks! (BusyBeeBlogger)

11 things you did not know about Jennifer Hudson but were obviously too afraid to ask, right? I mean, she’s pretty intimidating since the Oscar and all, eh? God, that woman terrifies me. (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Cocaine is a helluva drug. This is not a repeat from 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007… (CelebritySmack)

The Social Climber Formerly Known as Kate Middleton is not resting on her laurels. In fact, her laurels are shrinking. (CelebVIPLounge)

And the #1 thing you didn’t know about Jennifer Hudson: she was hospitalized today. (DailyStab)

Insufferable celebrity complains about insufferable celebrities who complain about people. Fuckit, I only click to Taylor Swift stories for eyeliner tips. (EarSucker)

Billboard becomes target. As Bieliebers descend upon convenience stores nationwide in hormone-crazed fugue state, actual magazine readers suffer. (FitFabCeleb)

Is your Bichon Frise a total Celine-diva? Your Rottweiler ready for prime time? Your Vizla good enough for The Voice? Yes, it’san Animal Lip Dub video contest! (HelloGiggles)

Russell Crowe is no Roundhead! Team Cavalier here! In other news, if he ever tweets his penis we’ll all be able to pick it out of a lineup more easily, so thanks for that, Russ! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Put yourself in Shania Twain’s shoes. Literally. (HaveUHeard)

Selina Gomez is taking desperate measures to protect herself from Bieber fans. What, no “exhaustion” dearie? (HollywoodHiccups)

Ryan Reynolds is INSATIABLE! Yeah, it’s a clickbaiting headline. What, you expected more from me? (INeedMyFix)

Britney covers Madonna. No, it doesn’t mean that, you perv. Although I did think of leading with “Britney ON Madonna” as I’m all clickbaity today. (PoorBritney)

Goopy on Teh Ghehs. Because that’s ALL they need. (PopBytes)

48 sexy shots of Johnny Depp. In other news it’s Johnny Depp’s birthday, but why am I still typing? You’re not gonna read anything past that link, are you? (SwoonWorthy)

Shania Twain goes down. That’s a three-point landing the hard way. (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

Teri Hatcher’s reverting to type

Surely I’m not the only one who sees this.
Teri Hatcher's Forehead of DoomIs there a new Star Trek in the pipeline?

Some people will do ANYTHING to get a part, I’m telling you. Playing politics is a big part of Hollywood, I guess.

Obama has Osama’s paperwork (raincoaster)

We need a decision: which of these classic beauties wore it better (Ayyyy)

Karl Lagerfeld brings the chocolate…if not the taste (ManoloFood)

Mission Accomplished 2.0 (Lolebrity)

Can we get Hamlet updated for bodybuilders? Yes, yes we can. (AgentBedhead)

Can Obama protect us from Charlie Sheen, Free Agent? (BusyBeeBlogger)

Can he get us a good, cheap date? Or do we have to stoop to this date-bidding site? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

PARDON RICK SPRINGFIELD!!! (CelebritySmack)

Can Obama provide a DNA sample? We’re trying to figure out who fathered January Jones’ child (CelebVIPLounge)

Bieber safety: an international concern. Should we take it to the UN? (DailyStab)

Declare Beckam’s Birthday a national holiday! (DippedinCream)

SAVE JENNIFER HUDSON! She is headed for oblivion! (EarSucker)

Can Obama get Miley Cyrus to keep it in her pants? (FitFabCeleb)

Ban the ballcap! Celebrities can afford better, surely? (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Can Obama capture the Canadian terrorist Justin Bieber (HaveUHeard)

In the name of all that is holy, STOP THE CELEBRITY NEPOTISM (HollywoodHiccups)

Can Obama save little Jaden Smith from a life of child labour? (INeedMyFix)

Can he get me an invitation to Goldie Hawn’s ranch, too? (MathewGuiver)

Will he appoint Britney Ambassador? (PoorBritney)

Can we lock Lohan up and throw away the key? (PopBytes)

America needs heroes like these! (SwoonWorthy)

Fight hunger! Feed the celebrities! (TheSkinny)

 

Sexy Links!

Congrats to the cute couple

Congrats to the cute couple

Awww, isn’t that cute? The Duchess of Alba and her boytoy Alfonso Díez are making it legal. Living proof, if any were needed, that an aggressive nose job that results in you breathing out of two large pores in the middle of your face is never a wasted expense, if it allows one to attract men known to society paper readers everywhere as “and Unnamed Friend”.

In honour of the lovely couple, let’s toast them with a classic Champagne cocktail fortified with a little Spanish brandy, and read some sexy gossip links:

inside raincoaster (raincoaster)

Ryan Reynolds has a sexy fra…what was I saying? (Ayyyy)

Kate Spade’s sexy movie (ManoloFood)

Fred and George Weasley KNOW they’ve got it (Lolebrity)

Sir Elton has some words for our generation’s biggest a$$ (AgentBedhead)

Chris Isaak’s steamy new video (BusyBeeBlogger)

Tila Tequila’s sex tape means we’ll never be rid of her (CelebDirtyLaundry)

WHAT is Gaga doing to herself in bed? (CelebritySmack)

ScarJo doesn’t let cobwebs grow on her ladybits (CelebVIPLounge)

VD Stars! (CityRag)

OMG Tila Tequila and Jennifer Aniston appear in sketchy video together (DailyStab)

Michelle Trachtenberg loves her body and tells you ALL about it (FitFabCeleb)

They get wet (GirlsTalkinSmack)

J Hud talks about her new body (HaveUHeard)

Anderson Cooper is NOT into beatings! (INeedMyFix)

Britney’s got yogabutt! (PoorBritney)

What’s Lady Gaga’s sex name? (PopBytes)

Forget the body: what has Nicole Richie done to her face? (TheSkinny)

Chuck Berry on line one… (SeriouslyOMG)

Phoebie Price reaches for the stars!

Mary Carey and Phoebe Price outside the Voyeur club in West Hollywood after attending a celeb-packed party

Or maybe just the nearest heavenly body?

Patrick Kim McDermott’s Return from Xanadu (TrueSlant)

Robert Downey Junior’s Rehab Blues (Lolebrity)

Who is dating Kate Hudson? (Dealbreaker)

Figwit 2.0 (AgentBedhead)

Lady Gaga is okay with it (AllieIsWired)

Heidi, ho? (AmyGrindhouse)

Baby, Daddy (BusyBeeBlogger)

The shoes of a style icon (CeleBitchy)

Fanorexia kills (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Celebrity Foot Abuse! (CelebritySmack)

Lend Me a Seeing Eye Dog say the Olsen Twins (DailyStab)

Save the society columnist! (Gawker)

Is! Nothing! Sacred! (DListed)

Straight men skip this post (EvilBeet)

Tia Carrere is on the market! (GabbyBabble)

Nic Cage wigs out (GoFugYourself)

Erin Andrews vs the Trolls (HaveUHeard)

Channing Tatum married a necrophiliac (INeedMyFix)

The REAL secret of American Idol (IBBB)

St. Brangelina in Bosnia (JustJared)

At last, a story we can ALL enjoy (LitelySalted)

The English Patient didn’t fly THAT airline (Movieline)

Jennifer Hudson now 30% off (PinkIsTheNewBlog)

I wouldn’t touch that bunny’s eggs with a ten foot pole (UKPopSugar)

Craig Ferguson’s robot skeleton sidekick (SeriouslyOMG)

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Black Cloud Links

Today there was a big, scary yellow thing in the sky. Someone said it was something they’d had in Alberta as a child, but I’d never seen it before in Vancouver. Someone else said it emitted harmful radiation and we should all take cover. I took her advice, took off, took cover, and took solace in a fine merlot from a friend. What are you taking?

The latest trend in Wall Street downsizing (Jossip)

Run DMC this way to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (AgentBedhead)

Jennifer Hudson goes back to work (AmyGrindhouse)

Amy Winehouse limbers up for a long day of getting drunk (CeleBitchy)

MacBecks, the opera (HolyMoly)

A day without Bobby Trendy is like… (CelebritySmack)

BAFTA nominations announced (UKPopSugar)

Have YOU been infected by Paris Hilton? (DailyStab)

Paula Abdul’s bondage bodice (DanasDirt)

RIP Ricardo Montalban (Defamer)

Kelly Rutherford’s divorce gets dark (GabbyBabble)

Victoria Beckham in someone else’s underwear (EvilBeet)

Morgan Freeman wants to know if you have a problem with it? (CandyKirby)

Harriet Carter Beauty Wednesday (IBBB)

Sienna Miller apparently on the Courtney Love diet (JustJared)

Before They Were Famous: Simon Cowell (SeriouslyOMG)

Oprah loves Kate’s Golden Globes (ASL)

Cam vs Drew? (Websters)

Neat Links

It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were gathered in the cabin. The captain turned to the first mate and said, “Pass the Laphroaig, please.”

Celebrity Dad Faceoff: historical hunk edition (TeenyManolo)

Item #38 in Things You Already Knew: Madonna hates America (AgentBedhead)

Malawi strikes back! (CeleBitchy)

Melissa Etheridge is back on the market whether she likes it or not! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Julia Hudson is a whackadoodle (CelebritySmack)

Anne Hathaway has some freaky pen friends (DailyStab)

Courtney Love is easily confused (Defamer)

The Return of Britney Spears (DListed)

On Karl’s iPod (FakeKarl)

Katy Perry is no Grace Jones (GoFugYourself)

Justin and Britney reunited under adult supervision (IBBB)

Suri Cruise has a message for you (CandyKirby)

Russell Brand got thrown out of England (UKPopSugar)

Nicole Kidman is just jealous (Websters)

Zac Efron is literal-minded, not dirty-minded! (Yeeeeah)

Life lessons from Judge Judy (Jezebel)

Courting Condi (Mollygood)

Triple Pumpkin Spice Cappuccino Links

Suri Cruise’s eyesight restored (Websters)

Nicolette Sheridan’s makeup artist is the hardest-working spackler in showbiz (Yeeeeah)

Miley Cyrus moves her old man in (CeleBitchy)

It is the Year of the Eye of the Tiger (SeriouslyOMG)

Jennifer Hudson’s family murdered (YoungBlackAndFabulous)

The astrology of the financial meltdown, from a site that has just folded (Radar)

St. Angelina returns from the pilgrimage to Afghanistan (PopSugar)

Carrie Bradshaw has a lot to answer for (Mollygood)

Dear Abby had better watch her back (IBBB)

If you think Keith’s Stones tour stories are bad, wait till you hear Ronnie’s (GoldenFiddle)

Kate Bosworth wears Snufalupagus fur! (GoFugYourself)

B is for Bitch, Please! (DListed)

Looks like Ringo Starr has had some work done (CandyKirby)

Will Ferrell and Tina Fey do President Bush and Sarah Palin (DailyStab)

Celebrity Rehab, recapped (Defamer)

Peaches Geldof likes ’em ugly (AgentBedhead)

Imaginary people for voting rights! (CelebritySmack)

L is for Link

Elmo’s in the closet (AgentBedhead)

The debauched escapades of the tweaking, giggling, starfarking homunculus Elmo (TeenyManolo)

Miley Cyrus’s furst kizz. an sekund. an therd… (Lolebrity)

Giselle Bundchen wants to be just like Mom (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

New Harry Potter book coming out (DailyStab)

Clay Aiken and partner Jaymes are expecting (CelebritySmack)

Casa Brangelina is ruled by children (ImNotObsessed)

Charlize Theron wants to be a Mom (IBBB)

Jennifer Hudson’s public service announcement (CandyKirby)

Celebtags: there are no wrong answers (Celebtags)

More about Bill Murray’s divorce than you ever wanted to know (Defamer)

Kirk Douglas and his wife dedicate their 400th donated playground, break it in (CeleBitchy)

Naomi Campbell vs Officer Friendly (US)

Victoria Beckham donates dresses to children’s charity (JustJared)

New Kids are back on the Block! (SeriouslyOMG)

Mazel Tov, Indy! (Mollygood)

Heidi Klum enjoys happy finish to Happy Meal (TheBlemish)

Where’s Mischa? (EvilBeet)

Supernanny volunteers to help Britney (CelebrityBabyScoop)

Presenting: Matt Damon as Ned Flanders (PopSugar)

Ben and Casey Affleck introduce their Baby to Britain (UKPopSugar)

Batman drinks milk. And the blood of his enemies (Webster’s)

Pete Wentz commissions Lego artwork (WWTDD)