Lily Allen has always been known as the “Dirt with angelic face” singer, and it’s nice to see she comes by it honestly. This is what her sister chose to wear to Lily’s wedding yesterday, keeping up the standard of class, but of unspecified altitude.

Then again, maybe she had the dress fitted before she got the boobs fitted. And serve her right if she couldn’t breathe all night.

I dunno about you, but I definitely feel in need of something strong to wash that out of my mind’s eye. I recommend the Nuptial Cocktail and some gossip links.

Palin Poetry: the Palinleaks Haikus. America gets the Japanese poetic forms it deserves, as Sarah Palin’s emails get put through the Haiku Finder. Art really IS everywhere! (raincoaster)

Who needs the tooth fairy? Who needs Food Porn? We’ve got the Magic Rum Fairy! (ManoloFood)

Emma Watson is back in the harness. Gee, I didn’t know there was a new Matrix movie in the works. Still, this will come in handy for her battles with arch-enemy Fat Bastard. (Ayyyy)

Harrison Ford IS Errand Runner! I’d like to take a look at his Furby, if you know what I mean and I think you do! (Lolebrity)

Debbie Reynolds is selling off her children’s inheritance and YOU CAN BUY IT! Yes, it’s the celebrity crap auction of the year, and open for business! Someone call Harrison Ford, quick! (Crasstalk)

Starfuckery failure: pro edition. ScarJo needs to go study at the scabby, callused knees of Courtney Love. (AgentBedhead)

It’s time to draw the line! Catherine, Duchess of Whatever, the Artist Formerly Known as Kate Middleton, needs an eyeliner intervention, people. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Gary Dourdan is brought to your police department by the Letter E. Unlike the last time, when he was brought to your police station by the letters DUI. (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Mazel tov, kids. Now, can the world please forget about Lily Allen? (CelebritySmack)

Who are the 10 best actors in Hollywood? Other than the “I didn’t hook up with him” Kardashians? (CelebVIPLounge)

JWoww kisses a dog. So things are looking up for her in the romance department. (CityRag)

Ladies and gentlemen, start your gingham! Jessica Simpson, superchic fashion powerhouse, is cloning herself. (DailyStab)

Taylor Momsen…remember her? Well, it looks like she’s hooking up with an electrician now. (FitFabCeleb)

Paparazzis pap’d! Six celebrities spying on you. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Jessica Alba’s kid is going to be VERY popular with the tabloids! Nothing like leaking on your mom in front of a row of reporters. (HaveUHeard)

Conan O’Brien enters the Greatest Commencement Speech Sweepstakes. Will he take it from Steve Jobs? It’s Team Coco vs Apple Fanboys in the final round: Dartmouth vs Stanford. (HollywoodHiccups)

I’ll take “let them get the damn picture instead of crashing the car with your children in it” for a hundred, Alex! On the other hand, how desperate must a pap be to try to get a picture of Tori Spelling? (INeedMyFix)

Prince Hot Ginge in his undershirt. It doesn’t matter what I type here; you’re not reading it anyway. (SwoonWorthy)

People still date Lindsay Lohan’s castoffs? In other news, Demi Lovato is apparently capable of making good decisions again. (TheSkinnyChic)

Eva Longoria gets 4 from the French Judge

Convinced she could stick the landing, Eva Longoria instead did a faceplant instead of a triple at GMA. Her fans claim the contest was fixed, but it’s a cinch that anyone with that kind of figure was skating on thin ice with this look.

Speaking of ice, let’s drop some into a tumbler and enjoy a Triple Lutz cocktail while perusing some links that probably should be put on ice before they swell.

Stupid Girl is sick in the head (raincoaster)

This has medicinal value (ManoloFood)

That’s a very strange growth (Ayyyy)

Beaker needs a tiger blood infusion (Lolebrity)

Canadian cancer faker free? (Gawker)

Giselle gets an unsatisfactory scan (AgentBedhead)

Bringing the Bird back from Beyond (BusyBeeBlogger)

RescussiAnnie has some competition from Charlie Sheen (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Baby On Board! (CelebritySmack)

She’s not wearing her blue gown, doctor! (CelebVIPLounge)

Which is why they call the front row Gynecology Row (DailyStab)

If she thinks she’s A-list, she needs her head examined (EarSucker)

Who needs a mammogram when you have THIS shirt? (FitFabCeleb)

I don’t care what he says, he still looks like a junkie (GirlsTalkinSmack)

100 days of sobriety? (HaveUHeard)

RIP (HollywoodHiccups)

The uterus that ATE a Promising Career! (INeedMyFix)

Rihanna’s PET scan results are internet-ready (MathewGuiver)

Britney’s body rumours put to rest? (PoorBritney)

Ferraris are like hemorrhoids (PopBytes)

Let’s give Paul Rudd his birthday wish to cure cancer (Swoonworthy)

She’s only five pounds away from being Mister Bones hanging in the corner of the lab (TheSkinny)

Making it easy for the nurse practitioner’s examination (TheSkinnyChic)

Sigh. George, what went wrong?

That’s my boy. Very few people know that back in ’92 and ’93 I was actually a founding member of the George Stephanopoulos Fan Club, and a contributor to their monthly newsletter, the Stephanopouletter. My copy of The War Room has nearly worn out from being watched every 4th of July. I saw him in person at the Vancouver Summit, where I looked up from my glamorous work unloading the coffee for Starbucks, saw him, and froze. It’s not too often I’ve had my breath taken away, but that was one of those times. An American Secret Service agent who’d no doubt seen this happen to dozens of hapless women walked over and said, “That’s George Stephanopoulos. But he’s not old enough to date.”

Le Sigh.

Where was I? Oh, right. In the spirit of bipartisanship I’ll try to remember to feature a picture of Young John McCain at some point in the future, or you can just cheat and click through for that.

And now, the gossip links!

Julian Assange’s new do (raincoaster)

Shut UP, Emma Watson (Lolebrity)

Guess the gap-toothed guy (Ayyyy)

Our WORLD EXCLUSIVE lasted exactly one day (ManoloFood)

Stayin’ Alive? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (AgentBedhead)

The baby’s first word was “rhinoplasty” (BusyBeeBlogger)

Jimmy Buffetted! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Have YOU ever been upstaged by your own dress? (CelebritySmack)

Paris Hilton shows you her puppies (CityRag)

But which one is MegaShark and which is Gatoroid? (DailyStab)

Never before has spandex restrained so much for so little purpose (FitFabCeleb)

Gag (GirlsTalkinSmack)

So she was single in the sense that nobody would be seen with her? (HaveUHeard)

Jon Cryer is no different from anybody else (INeedMyFix)

Sad, gender-confused Britney (PoorBritney)

The CougarTown drinking game! (SeriouslyOMG)

Related articles

• Bipartisanship Ho? John McCain Tells Stephanopoulos ‘We Can Work With This’ (mediaite.com)

I know, I know.

I don’t CARE! I like him anyway: he purty. I propose a toast to Ben Affleck’s enduring aethetic appeal, and to make that toast we shall raise a glass of this newfangled Brewmaster’s Black Lager from Okanagan Springs that I just tasted today, as I was being interviewed for a podcast in the back room of a pub, which is generally the way I like to be interviewed if it can’t be on the deck of my shiny new yacht or the terrace of my beach villa in Costa Rica. Yes, black lager; that is what I call affirmative action, and I intend to affirm it as frequently as my diet will allow. This has been an un-paid-for plug inspired by Ben Affleck’s hawtness. You may now return to your regular gossip links.

Poor Elvis (Lolebrity)
Cruise with Captain Charon (raincoaster)
James Franco is a wanker (AgentBedhead)
St Angelina consoles sadly unfabulous Pakistanis (BusyBeeBlogger)
Gaga’s got some meat on her bones at last (CeleBitchy)
Oh come on; next you’ll be telling us her boobs are fake! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
The caftan does JSimp no favours (CelebritySmack)
I’m on a (filthy) boat! (CityRag)
This is an awkward triangle! (CojoStyle)
Jennifer Aniston attacking by proxy (DListed)
Billy Ray Cyrus produced a goth? (GabbyBabble)
Taylor Swift has the best hair in the NFL (HaveUHeard)
Someone PLEASE give Dennis Rodman a radio show (INeedMyFix)
Some Twihard’s dreams are coming true! (PerezHilton)
Eli Roth wanted for questioning (Pajiba)
But Mommy IS white trash (PoorBritney)
So Cougartown is bi-curious now? (SeriouslyOMG)

I don’t care if it made you famous, pick that up and put it back where it belongs. And put on some damn pants while you’re at it; I’m sure there’s an industrial-gauge denim manufacturer who can carve you a pair of supportive jeans.

Paris Hilton’s smug mug (Lolebrity)
Feel! My! Pain! (raincoaster)
Celebrity Dad Faceoff: Kiefer vs Idris (TeenyManolo)
What disheveled, used-up Hell is this? (AgentBedhead)
LiLo guilty of crimes against fashion! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Was that “gum” or “dumb,” Paris? (CeleBitchy)
Sentences I never thought I would write: Kelly Osbourne looks fabulous (CelebFashionWatcher)
Back to the SuperSquats, honey (CelebDirtyLaundry)
For THIS a Muppet had to die? (CelebritySmack)
All-Time Emmy Dresstastrophies (CojoStyle)
Their drug use nose no bounds (CityRag)
Cougar Power! (DailyStab)
Breakup breakdowns? (LaineyGossip)
Rita Wilson’s shoes match that dress in Gone with the Wind…you know the one (DListed)
Anna Paquin wore Elvish armour to the Emmys (MoeJackson)
That’s just how she rolls (EvilBeet)
Dancing with the … these people??? (GabbyBabble)
Sexy Spies! (HaveUHeard)
I swear to god this is the gayest thing I have ever seen (INeedMyFix)
Michael Jackson is the king of iTunes? (PerezHilton)
Courtney Cox has gotten HUGE! (SeriouslyOMG)
Welcome to America, Mister Beckham (ASL)

Seriously, those are fierce! I guess after stilettos, slingshots were next in the list of Top Ten Deadly Weapons That Make Cool Shoes?

And now, to the gossip roundup for the day:

Betty White’s might makes right! (Lolebrity)
Bad News for Dick Grayson (raincoaster)
Mirror, mirror, on my foot (Shoeblogs)
Giselle, you’re no Christy Turlington (TeenyManolo)
Monday and rainbows have been cancelled (ManoloBig)
Captions! In! Spaaaaaaace! (ManoloBrides)
Dr Atkins would have a heart attack (ManoloFood)
Dick Dale’s crib looks just like this (ManoloHome)
Nicole Kidman speaks for 5heads 4 Peece (AgentBedhead)
What kind of discount on rehab time will Lindsay get? (BusyBeeBlogger)
Katy Perry KNOWS she doesn’t make any sense (CeleBitchy)
Did Chelsea Clinton get chopped for her wedding? (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)
Now we know where Lady Gaga keeps her creativity (CelebrityDirtyLaundry)
More Hoff than you can handle (CelebritySmack)
Six STDs of Separation (CityRag)
Is there an archaeologist in da club? (CojoStyle)
JSimp found a Yalie (DailyStab)
Coming soon: the collected text messages of Ali Lohan (DListed)
Hey waitaminit: the company that turned down MY book said yes to Bieber??? (GabbyBabble)
Oh, don’t sweat it honey (GoFugYourself)
The Bachelorette finale (HaveUHeard)
Pamela Anderson welcomes the pitter-patter of little paws (INeedMyFix)
Cloris Leachman vs Betty White in Battle of the Cougars! (SeriouslyOMG)

As Borat would say, “verrrrry niiiiiiiiice!” The great thing about uniforms is, if they look bad the entire country complains about them until they get fixed; in a way, it’s sort of crowdsourcing design. Yes, there are practical considerations to which one must Iraqiesce. Sure, it may never be as sleek as if Hedi Slimane got his hands on it, but on the plus side, most of the recruits would be able to fit into the uniforms without contracting cosmetic tuberculosis first.

Sami Salo’s Internet Celebrity Takes Balls (True/Slant)

Nicole Kidman can’t exorcise the ghost of Tom Cruise (Lolebrity)

Red Sole Diaries (TheManolo)

The Death of Cute (TheBigGirls)

Jennifer Aniston’s baby food consequences (TeenyManolo)

These crazy kids! (ManoloHome)

Happy Mother of the Bride Day (ManoloBrides)

Henry Rollins is outed! (AgentBedhead)

RIP Lena Horne (AmyGrindhouse)

Betty White OWNs Saturday Night (BusyBeeBlogger)

Heidi Klum wants into your closet! (CeleBitchy)

You’re the man now, Chaz! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Jessica Simpson is wrapped like a Mother’s Day pressie (CelebritySmack)

World’s crispiest hair spotted in New York (DailyStab)

Old Person wins Gaga fight (Gawker)

Kristen Stewart goes through Elle (HaveUHeard)

Minnie Driver’s baby will KILL YOU (INeedMyFix)

Bristols for Babies! I mean against! Oh it’s so hard to keep track! (IBBB)

I…I don’t think I want to KNOW what a “Pob” is, let alone watch one (UKPopSugar)

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• “Happy Mother’s Day, Motherf*ckers”: Betty White Delivers A Legendary Episode Of SNL [Snl Roundup] (jezebel.com)
• Whatever Betty Touches Turns To Gold (perezhilton.com)
• Betty White Killed On SNL (socialitelife.celebuzz.com)
• Jessica Simpson Out And About In NYC (imnotobsessed.com)
• Betty White Appears On SNL Thanks To Facebook (allfacebook.com)

Lee Meriweather knows how to work a real eye patch!
(yes, I know Hump Day is for pix of pretty mens, but I heart Catwoman, the eye patch is topical and besides, I’m still rather hungover, so deal.

Betty White knows why it’s called a “reception” (Lolebrity)
Everybody Lin Yu Chun tonight! (CelebrityBeehive)
Demivision! (TheManolo)
Framed! (ManoloHome)
Vacuum coffee makers are teh suck? (ManoloFood)
Get tight at your wedding (ManoloBrides)
Zoolander Jr (TeenyManolo)
JSimp is semi-filthy (AmyGrindhouse
E Hassel’s semi-believable snivelfest (DippedInCream)
Adam Sandler, Nicole Kidman, and Jennifer Aniston were reportedly “at it” yesterday (BusyBeeBlogger)
Ooooh, Lady Gaga is going DOWN (CeleBitchy)
KDash has Bieber Fever? (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Julia Oopsie-Dreyfus (CelebritySmack)
Never mind that: Miley Cyrus can’t be believed! (DailyStab)
Betty White parties hearty! (INeedMyFix)
Goop 4 poop! (Movieline)
RPattz and KStew are frequent co-flyers (UKPopSugar)

Let’s give it up for the hardest-working man in no business: the virtually unemployable yet always indomitable David Hasselhoff! Yes, the look may say “ageing gangster gigolo” but it’s a look to which I’ve been partial ever since that Star Trek episode where they went back to the Twenties. The shoes! The hats! The loud, loud suits!

Jennifer Aniston has the hardest-working plumbing in showbusiness (Lolebrity)

Lin Yu Chun and William Shatner completely work over Total Eclipse of the Heart (raincoaster)

Hardest-working Pratt in PR (AmyGrindhouse)

Hard labour in Hollywood (BusyBeeBlogger)

Ebert’s wife is the hardest-working spouse in tv (CeleBitchy)
Want to work hard for internet glory? (CelebrityBeehive)
Jessica Simpson too lazy for basic hygiene (CelebDirtyLaundry)
The hardest-working gossipeuse on Ustream (CelebritySmack)
Work hard for immortal mayhem! (Virgin)
It’s hard work, burying your soon-to-be-ex-husband alive (CelebToast)
Scott Baio works hard at being a twit (CityRag)
Jennifer Lopez just doesn’t work hard enough at Teh Fab (CojoStyle)
The hardest-working broodmare in the reality tv stable (DailyStab)
Do you want to work for Glee? Or just plain old money? (FirstClassFashionista)
Brenda wants to struggle! (FourFour)
JSimp shows off the hardest-working Spanx in fashion (GabbyBabble)
Peaches is the hardest-working junkie Scientologist celebuspawn starfarker in Coachella (Gawker)
Jennifer Hudson is working something out (GoFugYourself)
Rihanna’s Rib Recovers from exhaustion at hospital (HaveUHeard)
American Idiots spend hard-earned dollars on tickets to Broadway shows calling them idiots; how stupid is that? (INeedMyFix)
A Britney blogger’s work is never done (PoorBritney)
After all that work, you need your rest (IBBB)
It’s hard out here for a pimp (LitelySalted)
Busey wants you to WORK, lazy grocery imps! (Manolo)
James Cameron has been working WAY too hard (Movieline)
Glee does its Madonna homework (work) (PinkIsTheNewBlog)
Who’s been working hard? (UKPopSugar)
It’s cruel to put Zombie Bea Arthur to work! (PopBytes)
Secretariat has some guns! (SeriouslyOMG)
The Heat is On…Jake Gyllenhaal (TenGossip)

Prince Felipe of Spain tries his best to make up for the injustice of hereditary monarchy by being really, really ridiculously good-looking.

Andrew Koenig’s body found (TrueSlant)

How to raise a Death Eater (Lolebrity)

Reports of his death have been greatly exaggerated (AgentBedhead)

Paris in the mourning (AmyGrindhouse)

Get a coffin of your own (AllieIsWired)

Charlie Sheen locked up at last (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Canada mourns (BusyBeeBlogger)

John Hamm has a gun in his pocket (AccidentalSexiness)

JSimp slammed for porker faux pas (CeleBitchy)

Whitney Houston died out there (CelebritySmack)

Pickleback slays ‘em (PopEater)

I Believe this is your token happy link (CelebVIPLounge)

Lily Allen passed out, passed over (HolyMoly)

The Return of Mark Kerrigan (EvilBeet)

Johnny Depp is surprised to still be here (DailyStab)

Antonio Banderas turns Unabomber (DListed)

Ashton Kutcher will kill the internet (Towleroad)

Kellan Lutz doesn’t want you to kill puppies! (GabbyBabble)

Blood in the water! (GoFugYourself)

Lady Gaga’s body parts (HaveUHeard)

Matt Damon is a dead man (INeedMyFix)

Time to kill animals! (IBBB)

The death of New Age (LitelySalted)

Jay Leno dances on Conan’s grave (Movieline)

Beautiful Thieves (TenGossip)

Far less beautiful thieves (Heeb)

Craig Ferguson killed his audience (SeriouslyOMG)

These ads will kill your fun (PerezHilton)