Robert Pattinson attempts to bring back the Reagan Brown Suit

Oh dear god. Sweet jeebus. Normally, I kind of love RPattz: he looks like he would have an unfortunate tang if it were a warm day, something like the bottom of a pub ashtray, but normally he’s just crazy enough to keep it interesting, unlike his co-stars (Tai the elephant excepted: if she’s good enough for Banksy, she’s good enough for me). But while he may have been talked into wearing this diarrhea-coloured monstrosity on the general principle that “a suit is dressy” a significant part of me hopes that halfway through a beer-laden schnitzelfest he ripped it in pieces and ran down the cobblestones naked and cackling. If he didn’t, please don’t inform me.

Now I am going to drown my sorrows with a Boilermaker or ten and some gossip links.

Tiling tigers: trippy! (raincoaster)

Bling it on! Talk about an accessory to crime! (Ayyyy)

Sunday food porn: Canadian Content chez Timmy’s (ManoloFood)

Renee Zellweger’s smile secret (Lolebrity)

Beach Reads: everyone’s dirty secret (Crasstalk)

Ozzy Osbourne loses it. Who knew he’d ever found it in the first place? (AgentBedhead)

Lady Gaga’s Truth or Dare! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Robert Pattinson blah blah OH MY GOD NOT A BROWN SUIT!!!! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Pink and a half! (CelebritySmack)

A grizzly (mama) look at Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin (CelebrityVIPLounge)

My Big, Cheap Royal Wedding pictures (FreakingNews)

Sadly, neither were hurt in the attack (DailyStab)

But she IS addicted to Kabbalah water! (EarSucker)

Survivor recap included because that guy is HOT! (FitFabCeleb)

Justin Timberlake will not beFriendWithBenefit you (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Blake Lively sees red (HaveUHeard)

The trailer is out for the Final Harry Potter movie (HollywoodHiccups)

Beyonce Scrooged 70 people this Christmas (INeedMyFix)

Jillian Michaels’ ass-ironing secrets (MathewGuiver)

A thousand bucks does not include Britney (PoorBritney)

The Jersey Shore is replicating!!! (PopBytes)

Jon Hamm admires the view (Swoonworthy)

Now, if only we could get the REST of her to vanish as well (TheSkinnyChic)

ten carats of PAIN!

I think these would only really suit a very feminine woman with four spouses, all of whom she was furious with. What’s that, Quadritamy? Mass assault?  Ha: What is that? Ah, who am I kidding? It’s LINDSAY LOHAN!

Guess SamRo finally put a ring on it.

Backstage with Dali (raincoaster)

Fresh Heiress (Ayyyy)

Who’s the Boss? (ManoloFood)

Don Draper, Math Man (Lolebrity)

The first step is admitting you have a problem, Gwyneth (AgentBedhead)

Jack Sparrow to fly again (BusyBeeBlogger)

Your annual Taylor Swift post-breakup “learning experience” post (CeleBitchy)

Boy takes Backstreet to Rehab (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Christina Hendricks, nudie Juggalo? (CelebritySmack)

Snowman of the damned (CityRag)

Imminent arrival puts crimp in Kate Hudson’s dating game (DailyStab)

Rachel Zoe repurposes (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Justin Bieber is allergic to stunt casting (HaveUHeard)

Too much macho in one photo (INeedMyFix)

Oprah cheeses out (PopBytes)

Yet another legacy model zones out (TheSkinny)

Work it, Skywalker!

where the HELL has raincoaster BEEN, man? (raincoaster)
Mr Depp, those clothes have to come off IMMEDIATELY (Ayyyy)
Jon Hamm has a suggestion for you (lolebrity)
Screw that! (ManoloFood)
The world’s greatest horror movie in the works (AgentBedhead)
Justin Timberlake is high-caliber (BusyBeeBlogger)
Mel Gibson sees MUCH younger woman (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Does Julian Assange make your wiki leak? (CeleBitchy)
First couple to fight over eyeliner custody in court (EvilBeet)
Liz Hurley gets the hell out of my way (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Yes, in fact, that IS So Wrong (HaveUHeard)
Look who got the Royal Snub! (INeedMyFix)
John Stamos, recovering nerd (SeriouslyOMG)

It’s true. Andy is prettier. Click and compare.

Andy may even be prettier than me on a bad day

Although he DOES have to get that eyebrow game under control. Still, if we had beer goggles, who knows how we’d feel?

Guess the Goth (Ayyyy)
Bieber-bashing, a sport for the whole famdamily! (CelebrityBeehive)
Jerry Lewis has the secret to happiness (raincoaster)
Vladimir Putin vs Conde Nasty (Lolebrity)
Cthulhu vs Jackass (AgentBedhead)
As god is my witness, I thought NFL has-beens could fly (BusyBeeBlogger)
Celine Dion is keeping her fingers AND legs crossed (CeleBitchy)
Mad Men spoilers don’t make ME angry (CelebrityDirtyLaundry)
Death to Duckface! (CityRag)
By the ghost of Auntie Grizelda!!! (SeriouslyOMG)
Latoya is a vision…(Cojostyle)
Tyra Banks kidnaps teen sex addict? (DailyStab)
Fembot popstar NO this isn’t about Pussycat Dolls (DListed)
Yes, Colin, we still remember the Britney thing (LaineyGossip)
Save the boobies!!! (INeedMyFix)
Kate Hudson with a pretty dress and a face full of Botox (JustJared)
Johnny Depp continues path to canonization (PerezHilton)
Cindy Crawford is still Cindy Freaking Crawford (PopBytes)

Want:

The Marie Antoinette Hoodie. Decapitate! It's great!

I NEED this in time for Bastille Day! Let’s toast to this excellent Threadless design with a glass of fine Armagnac diluted with just a splash of the late queen’s favorite tipple, Evian water. I can’t drink Evian straight; as Janis Joplin said, No water in my whiskey, man. It hurts my throat.

And now, your Friday gossip link roundup:

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! (raincoaster)
Friday Caption Contest: Shadow of a Superstar (Ayyyy)
Katherine Heigl gets the new Colonic Facial (CelebrityBeehive)
Herman. Pee-Wee Herman. (Lolebrity)
Fresh, free-range Hamm (Gawker)
War Dog of the Week (Warning: sappy) (ForeignPolicy)
That’s no lady! (AgentBedhead)
Two minutes and thirty-nine seconds with James Franco (AmyGrindhouse)
Dolph Lundgren is just asking for it (BusyBeeBlogger)
Dora the Explorer on the rocks (CeleBitchy)
Lindsay Lohan is not such a twit anymore (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Kim Kardashian’s snack tray holds a drink (CelebritySmack)
Britney weaned the kids off Cosmos (CityRag)
Cojo vs Ronald McDonald (CojoStyle)
Amy Winehouse crashes a lap (CrazyDaysAndNights)
Wino has “something” up her nose (INeedMyFix)
I SAID, Pull up yo damn pants! (Crunk&Disorderly)
Awww, I bet on Aeschylus (DailyStab)
Sienna Miller loves dressing up in Grandma’s outfits (DListed)
Is Renee Zellweger Bridget Jones or Jennifer Aniston? (EvilBeet)
Gooooood morning, Republicans! (HaveUHeard)
Snooki is a lobster racist! (IBBB)
80′s cartoon trivia quiz (LitelySalted)
Grover stars in new Old Spice campaign (MovieLine)
Amy Winehouse’s Taxi Driver (PerezHilton)
Weird celebrity fetish news (SeriouslyOMG)
Creepy celebrity dolls (ASL)

I know, I know, we just had him, but for some reason I just feel like featuring him again today. The only problem is, I can’t decide which picture to use.

Do you like this one?

or this one?

Let’s drink to that with a nice, refreshing Screwdriver, from the official index to Mad Men Cocktails.

Mean Disney Girls just a bunch of drama queens (raincoaster)
At least they were free of Yoko in there (Lolebrity)
Reznorvision coming soon to your screens? (AgentBedhead)
The Face of Kotex! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Some people will do ANYTHING to impress Sandra Bullock’s castoffs (CeleBitchy)
Spot the cyborgs among us! (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)
Violent repeat felon seeks custodianship of Lindsay Lohan (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Michael Bolton, it is FAR too late for respect! (CelebritySmack)
Gaga a Go-Go (CityRag)
Naomi Campbell’s feet are HUGE (CojoStyle)
Yes, everyone but me DOES have a book deal (DailyStab)
Macaroni Rascals (DListed)
A foursome isn’t just for golfing and bridge? (EvilBeet)
Sly, stylin’ (GabbyBabble)
Brigitte Nielson is looking younger (GoFugYourself)
Get your Bieber Babies! (HaveUHeard)
Michael Bolton is the Rodney Dangerfield of show pony has-beens (INeedMyFix)
Catching up with Bristol Palin’s favorite show (IBBB)
Oh holy Jeebus, even Hilary Duff has a book deal (JustJared)
This will be some actress’s lowest career point (MovieLine)
Baby Buble (PerezHilton)
B from the block (PinkIsTheNewBlog)
Backney! (PoorBritney)
The Mysteries of Minnelli (PopBytes)
Jon’s got a Ham in his pants (SeriouslyOMG)

Sari about that: renowned ecdysiast Dirty Martini models perhaps the only example of a bondage sari in existence.

Here are your Dirty Martini emo links. Why am I so emo today? Read the last post and then mix a pitcher of Black Widows for yourself and me.

Underemployed Jedi single dad starts drinking early (Lolebrity)
Brian Atene is at the Nembutal and self-doubt again (raincoaster)
Brian Atene invented Superman Vodka, he’ll have you know (raincoaster media)
Here are two decorative, talented men as a sort of unicorn chaser (TeenyManolo)
This mystery man is filthy (ManoloMen)
Blohan blew it (AgentBedhead)
More Don Draper! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Paris Hilton says “Marriott? I wish I’d thought of buying it! I love Pocahontas!” (CeleBitchy)
As if the world didn’t have enough stupid things that make you want to die in it (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)
Hey Gaga, Scotch is fattening! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Well, alcohol IS a preservative (CelebritySmack)
Dita, NEVER get between me and the Cointreau (CojoStyle)
My god, what were they ON when they greenlighted this? (DailyStab)
THIS man is intoxicating! (DListed)
This is the only man perhaps more perfect than Jon Hamm (EvilBeet)
Hallelujah and pass the Jesus Juice! (GabbyBabble)
I thought what happened in Vegas stayed there? Is that too much to ask? (HaveUHeard)
Where was SuperHamm when THIS happened? (INeedMyFix)
What’s wrong with Drink, Bitch, Sulk? (JustJared)
Can even Jodie Foster’s might save Mel? (PerezHilton)
If Pink is a drunk I love her even more (PoorBritney)

and now, your cheer-em-up unicorn chaser featuring OK Go and Puppehs!

Quote of the day: Jackie O would not have camel toe.
Tim Gunn

Apparently, looking like a hermaphroditic Moroccan bellhop is going to be big in 2011. And camel toe.

Everybody looks fab in go-go boots (Lolebrity)
Bill Gates’ Manhunt profile (raincoaster)
Tony Blair’s criminal mind (TheShebeenClub)
Ben Afflecks’ red carpet reign of terror (AgentBedhead)
Miley Cyrus’s grunge stripper look (AmyGrindhouse)
Caption Hamfleck! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Brad no longer Pitted? (CelebCosmeticSurgery)
Lou Reed snubs Susan Boyle (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Dream couple to reunite? (CeleBitchy)
Julia Roberts graded C (CelebritySmack)
Celebrity mug shots (CityRag)
Diane Krueger wins another fashion award (CojoStyle)
Tom Brady’s crackup (DailyStab)
Everybody loves a man in uniform! (DListed)
Look who has a record deal and you don’t (GabbyBabble)
Who wants to see Goopy yodel for two hours? (HaveUHeard)
Karl is laughing at Diane too (INeedMyFix)
Jon Hamm discussing porn and … you’re not still reading this are you? (JustJared)
Tacky press release of the day (MovieLine)
Megan Fox takes over Ben Affleck’s role in Dogma (PerezHilton)
Britney’s bodyguards bio’d (PoorBritney)
PUT THE MAKEUP BACK ON!!! (SeriouslyOMG)