And your trashy, low-rent gossip links for today:

On the decline of civility in intra-office memos in the United Kingdom (raincoaster)

Ten carats of PAIN! (Ayyyy)

Betty White Power! (Lolebrity)

Tales of the Cocktail (ManoloFood)

Pete Doherty clean and sober. In related news, temperatures in Hell reached record lows today (AgentBedhead)

Everybody’s pregnant except me (BusyBeeBlogger)

Viiiiiiiiggo! (CeleBitchy)

Say hello to the Butterscotch Colt (CelebDirtyLaundry)

We call that a No-Hawk where I come from (CelebritySmack)

Charo is ageless: it’s official (CityRag)

Usher usher’d offstage (DailyStab)

No, it’s not the PICTURES that got small (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Win Kiefer Sutherland? I’m in! (INeedMyFix)

Sandra Bullock is Quote of the Day (FitFabCeleb)

ten carats of PAIN!

I think these would only really suit a very feminine woman with four spouses, all of whom she was furious with. What’s that, Quadritamy? Mass assault?  Ha: What is that? Ah, who am I kidding? It’s LINDSAY LOHAN!

Guess SamRo finally put a ring on it.

Backstage with Dali (raincoaster)

Fresh Heiress (Ayyyy)

Who’s the Boss? (ManoloFood)

Don Draper, Math Man (Lolebrity)

The first step is admitting you have a problem, Gwyneth (AgentBedhead)

Jack Sparrow to fly again (BusyBeeBlogger)

Your annual Taylor Swift post-breakup “learning experience” post (CeleBitchy)

Boy takes Backstreet to Rehab (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Christina Hendricks, nudie Juggalo? (CelebritySmack)

Snowman of the damned (CityRag)

Imminent arrival puts crimp in Kate Hudson’s dating game (DailyStab)

Rachel Zoe repurposes (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Justin Bieber is allergic to stunt casting (HaveUHeard)

Too much macho in one photo (INeedMyFix)

Oprah cheeses out (PopBytes)

Yet another legacy model zones out (TheSkinny)

Tommy Boy may be as nutty as a Sandra Lee-inspired fruitcake, but he sure is pretty! I’d join him for a Risky Business Cocktail any time (if only to keep his mouth full so he couldn’t talk).

Joel is no mystery man (raincoaster)
Gary Oldman, man of a thousand grooming choices (Lolebrity)
Nigella Lawson and John Cusack would be a dream couple (Manolofood)
Norman Mailer and a poodle (Ayyyy)
Ewww, Simon Cowell arms! (AgentBedhead)
Whut up, Don Draper? (BusyBeeBlogger)
Mariah, that’s not very flattering to your husband (CeleBitchy)
Two and a Half Times as much Idiocy (CelebDirtyLaundry)
The Addams Family paints the town black (CityRag)
Who’s Sari Now? (CojoStyle)
The 90′s are back and your local arena’s got ‘em! (DailyStab)
Now THAT is a funny caption (DListed)
Yeah, but do they KEEP it down? (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Harry Hughini? (HaveUHeard)
Kiefer is coming! Kiefer is coming! (INeedMyFix)
The bodyguard shakedown breakdown (PoorBritney)
We ALL feel that way, honey (SeriouslyOMG)

I know, I know.

I don’t CARE! I like him anyway: he purty. I propose a toast to Ben Affleck’s enduring aethetic appeal, and to make that toast we shall raise a glass of this newfangled Brewmaster’s Black Lager from Okanagan Springs that I just tasted today, as I was being interviewed for a podcast in the back room of a pub, which is generally the way I like to be interviewed if it can’t be on the deck of my shiny new yacht or the terrace of my beach villa in Costa Rica. Yes, black lager; that is what I call affirmative action, and I intend to affirm it as frequently as my diet will allow. This has been an un-paid-for plug inspired by Ben Affleck’s hawtness. You may now return to your regular gossip links.

Poor Elvis (Lolebrity)
Cruise with Captain Charon (raincoaster)
James Franco is a wanker (AgentBedhead)
St Angelina consoles sadly unfabulous Pakistanis (BusyBeeBlogger)
Gaga’s got some meat on her bones at last (CeleBitchy)
Oh come on; next you’ll be telling us her boobs are fake! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
The caftan does JSimp no favours (CelebritySmack)
I’m on a (filthy) boat! (CityRag)
This is an awkward triangle! (CojoStyle)
Jennifer Aniston attacking by proxy (DListed)
Billy Ray Cyrus produced a goth? (GabbyBabble)
Taylor Swift has the best hair in the NFL (HaveUHeard)
Someone PLEASE give Dennis Rodman a radio show (INeedMyFix)
Some Twihard’s dreams are coming true! (PerezHilton)
Eli Roth wanted for questioning (Pajiba)
But Mommy IS white trash (PoorBritney)
So Cougartown is bi-curious now? (SeriouslyOMG)

The divine Alan Cumming knows that if you have the panache, the red carpet can be the perfect background for something a little more…creative? eclectic? electric? than a penguin suit. I’m sorry, Agent Bedhead, you’ve got it ALL wrong; this look is all kinds of right (except the shoes; they’re just a titch too lesbian train mechanic, don’t you think?).

Are you a celebrity blogger who’d rather drink than link (and wouldn’t we all?) email me at raincoaster at gmail: I’m starting a linking service to do your work for you! And I’m working on an ad network to launch in the fall.

Pee-Wee Herman, Uneasy Rider (Ayyyy)
Billy still Idol (AgentBedhead)
Kiefer in a swimsuit…brb I need a moment… (BusyBeeBlogger)
Lock up your talcum powder! (CeleBitchy)
Vamps! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
This is the most hated woman on Earth (CelebritySmack)
Nudist Pudding Fight (CityRag)
are YOU on Cojo’s Best/worst Dressed list? (Cojostyle)
Tiger on the loose! (DailyStab)
are we SURE he wasn’t trying to flee instead? (GabbyBabble)
Little HGTV on the Prairie (GoFugYourself)
Cougars helping cougars (HaveUHeard)
George Michael guilty (INeedMyFix)
The Recapped Housewives of New Jersey (IBBB)
Michael Cera is That One Guy (Movieline)
Better Off Dead now better than ever! (SeriouslyOMG)

It’s about time we featured this hell-raiser. To the official World’s Coolest Canadian we raise a virtual shooter of Lotto 649: that’s a shot of the sixth bottle from the left, the fourth from the right, and the ninth from the left, mixed in a shooter.

Jennifer Aniston IS Cathy (Lolebrity)
The Divine Miss M (Farmer) (raincoaster)
Alexander Skarsgard is a closet preppy? (PopBytes)
U2.o (PerezHilton)
Frank? Harvey? (IBBB)
The Hoff to Host (HaveUHeard)
When tats collide! (DailyStab)
Richard Simmons’ pits of despair (CityRag)
Steven Tyler goes down on his audience (CelebritySmack)
Lilo’s caged heat (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Adam Lambert is an equal-opportunity diver (CelebrityFashionWatcher)
Gabriel Aubrey in bed (CeleBitchy)
This man has oral talents (BusyBeeBlogger)
Britney is a GleekTweep (AmyGrindhouse)
Necrophilia is the new black (AgentBedhead)

And her own underwear, assuming she’s wearing any. Which, with her, is not a safe bet.

Jack Bauer, Hillary Clinton, Carlo Ponzi, Bernie Madoff, and Bessie the Cow (TrueSlant)

He’s no Saint (Lolebrity)

The secret to eternal youth (TheManolo)

Coffee; elixir of youth! (ManoloFood)

Meta-trash! (ManoloHome)

Ah, regret! (ManoloBrides)

Get schooled on history and boobage (ManoloBig)

Celebrity May/December twosome (TeenyManolo)

New music, old videos, get disciplined (AgentBedhead)

JAlb lays one on a MUCH younger girl (AmyGrindhouse)

Britney dials it in (BusyBeeBlogger)

Fun couple of the moment: Kardashieber (CeleBitchy)

Girl slightly more uptown now (CelebCosmeticSurgery)

New boy in the blogosphere (CelebDirtyLaundry)

JUSTICE!!! (CelebritySmack)

New noses, old faces (CityRag)

Bruce and his new Jersey Shore look (CrazyDaysAndNights)

Nobody is looking at the shoes in this ad (DailyStab)

Iggy Pop, immortal (DListed)

Looking good for 1000 years old, dude! (INeedMyFix)

The Banksy of Hollywood (Movieline)

Aww, no need to take it so seriously, guys: I’m having a bad hair day myself!

Celeb Snaps: Jesse James’s Nazi Salute and Ricky Martin’s Big News (TrueSlant)

Is Jesus a celebrity? (TheCelebrityIndustrialComplex)

Jesse James says it’s all a big misunderstanding (Lolebrity)

Celebrity retweets! (raincoaster)

The Madden Brothers decoded (AgentBedhead)

GLAAD to be Ricky Martin (AmyGrindhouse)

Jesse James is taking Tiger Woods’s sloppy seconds (BusyBeeBlogger)

Just in time for holy week, Madonna wants to dress your children (LaughingStork)

Pot and Kettle in name-calling dramz (Celebitchy)

Let’s all think like Lady Gaga (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Carrie Underwood kissed a dog (CelebritySmack)

Celebrity Pantslessness (CityRag)

Dancing With(out) the following Stars (DailyStab)

What Dominatrix clowns wear in mourning (GoFugYourself)

Hell froze over and it’s Kate Hudson’s fault (HaveUHeard)

Kief Speaks! (INeedMyFix)

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Olympic Medalist Moguliste Hannah Kearney of the US isn’t sure which to admire more: her gold medal or the sweet bouquet of BC Bud with which she was presented.

This is what she sees later that night (Lolebrity)

Stephen Baldwin does NOT fancy vampires (AgentBedhead)

Brittany Murphy’s shaky Foundation (AmyGrindhouse)

Tila Tequila falls on butt, suffers brain injury (AllieIsWired)

Bono has come back to me (BusyBeeBlogger)

Stephen Colbert brings it: 1812, The Rematch! (CeleBitchy)

Kiefer is down for the count! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Jennifer Garner goes Elektra on VDay (PopEater)

Kevin Smith, mad Twitterbomber (CelebritySmack)

Hate NBC? Love families? Make them pay! (CelebrityVIPLounge)

Hugo Boss shops Canadian (DailyStab)

Joe Biden, you’re no Dick Cheney (Gawker)

Robert Pattinson is open to homoeopathy (DListed)

Britney’s special Valentine (EvilBeet)

The Olympic Schedule (HaveUHeard)

A year in the life of LiLo (IBBB)

Kelly Osbourne is still alive (INeedMyFix)

Perez and John Mayer sittin’ in a tree… (LitelySalted)

Pups & Order (NastyNets)

Make your own star baby (TenGossip)

Nekkid Brit: keeper or throw back? (UKPopSugar)

But are we, in fact, the world? (PopBytes)

Movie mulligans (Movieline)

This? This is genius. And no doubt about to be a best-seller with single girls, who are up to their ears in articles on how to date hot men who bore them senseless (anything rather than be single!): just get him one of these super-turtlenecks and voila! Problem solved, and so much less stressful than just telling him to shut up.

M is for Muffle It, Heidi (AgentBedhead)

Shut Your Mouth! Elijah Wood is 29 (AmyGrindhouse)

Mad Man murdered by silence (BusyBeeBlogger)

Ben wants Jen to STFU (CeleBitchy)

Siskel shushes Ebert (Movieline)

Cows take Kiefer for a ride (PopEater)

Tina Turner is HOW old? Shut up! (CelebritySmack)

Say What? (DailyStab)

Monjack seeks to gag WarnerBrothers (DListed)

Amy Winehouse erases Blake (HolyMoly)

Things Jennifer Aniston DIDN’T say (PopBytes)

Denise Van Outen speaks in code (UKPopSugar)

Mariah’s dress covers her hidden charms (CityRag)

Hugh Jackman speaks! (LitelySalted)

Diddy did? I’m speechless (LaughingStork)

Clare Danes speaks for the autistic (INeedMyFix)

Pete Doherty continues to be unspeakable (CrazyDays&Nights)

Jay Leno hasn’t spoken to Conan (EvilBeet)

Ugly Betty silenced (GabbyBabble)

Alicia Keys has no comment (INO)

NBC slides Conan some hush money? (JustJared)

Zelda Rubenstein has gone dark (Movieline)

Jon Voight wants you to STFU HATERZ (PerezHilton)

Mariah shouldn’t talk! (ASL)

Lance Bass is quietly emo (TenGossip)

Chris Matthews puts his foot in his mouth (Gawker)

Shut up, Kanye (Lolebrity)