Why do they call it Ladies Day?

Seriously, why don’t they just rename it “Tramps and Drag Queens Day” instead of Ladies’ Day? I need a Drag Queen Cocktail and some distracting gossip links.

Ellen Page is poetry in motion (raincoaster)

Cornify makes any website into poetry (raincoastermedia)

Jack Kerouac IS poetry (Lolebrity)

This is a very poetic lingo, whatever the hell it is (Ayyyy)

Gwyneth is greased! Hounds, release! (AgentBedhead)

ZOMG I think we know what sent Morrissey into his rage (BusyBeeBlogger)

Their bodies are wonderlands (CelebDirtyLaundry)

The pen is mightier than the sword, and the dollar is mightier than the slur (CelebritySmack)

Engagiarmus! (CelebVIPLounge)

Bad Barbie is alarmy (CityRag)

PlayPenn Pals (DailyStab)

Celebrities, they text just like us! (EarSucker)

and Pauly D weeps into his mirror (FitFabCeleb)

She probably just wanted to work on her Ode To Tapdancing (HaveUHeard)

RyRey is CGI’d, big-thighed (HollywoodHiccups)

Least romantic love scene description EVER (INeedMyFix)

Literary light crashes and burns (MathewGuiver)

Macho Man Can! (Swoonworthy)

and then she smashed the cameraman with those roses? (TheSkinny)

Call it a deconstructive approach to the human face (TheSkinnyChic)

Stephen and Stephen

I’m in quite a mood lately, so getting through the gossip links today is gonna take a double.

If this doesn’t fix the situation in Japan, nothing will (raincoaster)

Hello. My name is Harry Potter. Prepare to die. (Lolebrity)

Saturday Caption Contest: Elizabeth Taylor Edition (Ayyyy)

Rachel Ray’s hideous secret (ManoloFood)

Whoopi Goldberg is out to destroy your sanity (AgentBedhead)

Happy Birthday, AntiChrist! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Kim Kardashian will DESTROY you, Nightlife! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Madonna will KILL MALAWI BABIES! (CeleBitchy)

This unspeakable monstrosity is a harbinger of APOCALYPSE! (DListed)

The AntiChrist is ready for his closeup! (DailyStab)

One lone hero against the Great Satan (FitFabCeleb)

because domestic abuse is great for ratings (EvilBeet)

The Four Hipsters of the Apocalypse? (GirlsTalkinSmack)

The Whoar! of Babylon (HaveUHeard)

RIP DJ Megatron (HollywoodHiccups)

Proud Parents of the End Times (INeedMyFix)

Remember how awesome people used to be? Yeah, well now they’re not. (PopBytes)

Kate Moss looks bad. Hell froze over after all (TheSkinny)

Apparently, time is now flowing backwards (TheSkinnyChic)

Here are the troubadours of Apocalypse (SeriouslyOMG)

A really good style comes only when a man has become as good as he can be. Style is character. A good style cannot come from a bad, undisciplined character. Now a man may be evil, but I believe that people can be evil in their essential natures and still have good characters. Good in the sense of being well-tuned. They can have characters that are flexible, supple, adaptable, principled in relation to their own good or their own evil – even an evil man can have principles – he can be true to his own evil, which is not always so easy, either. I think good style is a matter of rendering out of oneself all the cupidities, all the cripplings, all the velleities. And then I think one has to develop one’s physical grace. Writers who are possessed of some physical grace may tend to write better than writers who are physically clumsy. It’s my impression this is so. I don’t know that I’d care to attempt to prove it.

Actually, Norman, I don’t know that you were ever capable of proving it, but it’s an interesting theory.

via TheParisReview

Funny, I wouldn’t have called her a dog, but I guess her new boyfriend is a furry. Wash that picture out of your mind with a couple of tall Salty Dog cocktails and enjoy your gossip links.

Happy Halloween from 1928 (raincoaster)
This Bear Jew takes no prisoners (Lolebrity)
How to dispose of the body (ManoloFood)
US now exporting celebrity wingnuts (CelebrityBeehive)
Crocman stalks Hollywood! (Ayyyy)
Shirley Manson recycles Garbage (AgentBedhead)
Jason Statham is unsafe at any speed (BusyBeeBlogger)
Katy Perry has a bad case of Russell Brand (CeleBitchy)
If these two crazy kids can’t make it, then who can? (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Cougar keeps her dog on leash for now (CelebritySmack)
Horrifying celebrity Halloween costumes (CojoStyle)
So that’s ONE blind item solved (DailyStab)
Beyonce returns from Sweden (EvilBeet)
The scent of revenge! (GabbyBabble)
Katy and Russell get even more bull (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Demi Moore tortures a child (GoFugYourself)
Kim Kardashian’s Halloween costume is definitely not a Treat (HaveUHeard)
Rihanna dresses up for Halloween (INeedMyFix)
Leo DiCaprio is going to be a serial killer (JustJared)
She has FANS? (PerezHilton)
The greatest musical triumph since Springtime for Hitler (PoorBritney)
Kristy McNichol is ageless (SeriouslyOMG)

Catching up on the caption contests from oldest to newest, we have the dolorous Dorothy Parker, downcast at news her beloved Algonquin had gone corporate.

renalfailure Says:
September 21st, 2010 at 11:52 am

“I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane…”

Congratulations and imaginary swag to renalfailure, who I believe is a first-time winner. To him we shall present nothing less than The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker

Moving on, we’ve got the … uh … colourful pairing of Bootsy Collins and Tommy Davison, to change the mood a little.

archiearchive Says:
September 27th, 2010 at 8:09 pm

I hope we are doing this in the right sequince

It’s not the first time Archie’s puns have brought him blog glory and imaginary riches. To him, we award the imaginary glory of the hypothetical possession of this all-too-real bling phone, with a price tag of a mere £5million or so.

Blingphone

And finally, we present the winner of last week’s caption contest: the Shadow of a Superstar Edition:

Manolo the Shoeblogger Says:
October 9th, 2010 at 12:45 pm

Finally, Tom Cruise has achieved the Operating Thetan Level One Million!

Yeah, yeah, he signs my paycheques, but I defy you not to give it to The Boss this week! For his hypothetical prize, we’ll award him … hmmm, this is like figuring out what to give the boss for Christmas. Well, we know he likes shoes, but I’m not about to pick out a pair for the world’s top shoeblogger, in case the website gets hacked and someone puts up Crocs in their stead (in related news, if you enjoy cheap laughs, DO cruise through Ed Hardy at Zappos.com). Instead, we’ll offer this impeccable Ferrari 365 GTS/4 Daytona Spider, and not JUST because we’re buttering him up.

Although mostly.

…her new movie, “Money Never Sleeps In Its Clothes The Night Before a Big Premiere.” Looks like the poor girl could use a drink, and so could we, since we have to look at that. I suggest a hearty and nutritious Pick Me Up Cocktail, to pry those heavy eyelids open.

Hipster Potter and the Philosophers, Stoned (raincoaster)
Friday Caption Contest: Cravat Edition (Ayyyy)
Ozzy and Slash: pocket queens (Lolebrity)
The Gruesome Twosome are no more (CelebrityBeehive)
Kate Moss is just dicking with Pete Doherty now (AgentBedhead)
Alicia Keys popped! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Pink gets on the horn (CelebDirtyLaundry)
We’ll have no Beyonceing here! (CelebritySmack)
Eva Longoria Parker poses next to a Paula Abdul impersonator (DailyStab)
Kim Kardashian’s butt armor needs a blacksmith ASAP (GabbyBabble)
NPH officially world’s coolest dad (HaveUHeard)
Katy Perry is no Julie Newmar (INeedMyFix)
What happens in Vegas stays…on PerezHilton (PerezHilton)
St Britney (PinkIsTheNewBlog)
10 best-dressed authors (Flavorwire)

The Marie Antoinette Hoodie. Decapitate! It's great!

I NEED this in time for Bastille Day! Let’s toast to this excellent Threadless design with a glass of fine Armagnac diluted with just a splash of the late queen’s favorite tipple, Evian water. I can’t drink Evian straight; as Janis Joplin said, No water in my whiskey, man. It hurts my throat.

And now, your Friday gossip link roundup:

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! (raincoaster)
Friday Caption Contest: Shadow of a Superstar (Ayyyy)
Katherine Heigl gets the new Colonic Facial (CelebrityBeehive)
Herman. Pee-Wee Herman. (Lolebrity)
Fresh, free-range Hamm (Gawker)
War Dog of the Week (Warning: sappy) (ForeignPolicy)
That’s no lady! (AgentBedhead)
Two minutes and thirty-nine seconds with James Franco (AmyGrindhouse)
Dolph Lundgren is just asking for it (BusyBeeBlogger)
Dora the Explorer on the rocks (CeleBitchy)
Lindsay Lohan is not such a twit anymore (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Kim Kardashian’s snack tray holds a drink (CelebritySmack)
Britney weaned the kids off Cosmos (CityRag)
Cojo vs Ronald McDonald (CojoStyle)
Amy Winehouse crashes a lap (CrazyDaysAndNights)
Wino has “something” up her nose (INeedMyFix)
I SAID, Pull up yo damn pants! (Crunk&Disorderly)
Awww, I bet on Aeschylus (DailyStab)
Sienna Miller loves dressing up in Grandma’s outfits (DListed)
Is Renee Zellweger Bridget Jones or Jennifer Aniston? (EvilBeet)
Gooooood morning, Republicans! (HaveUHeard)
Snooki is a lobster racist! (IBBB)
80′s cartoon trivia quiz (LitelySalted)
Grover stars in new Old Spice campaign (MovieLine)
Amy Winehouse’s Taxi Driver (PerezHilton)
Weird celebrity fetish news (SeriouslyOMG)
Creepy celebrity dolls (ASL)

And this does not take me to my happy place.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we present the dolorous visage of Miss Dorothy Parker, along with one of her poems which seems to fit the occasion. Do your best/worst in the comments section:

She was absolutely Dotty.

Enough Rope

(which was the title poem in a collection which was a #1 best-seller. Can you imagine the #1 best-seller now being a book of poems? No, you can’t, can you? The only way poetry would make it is if Dan Brown and Oprah collaborated on “Sestinas on Springsteen” or some similar abomination. And don’t get me started on Jewel)

Razors pain you
and rivers are damp.
Acids stain you
and drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful
nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.

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• Algonquin Cat Hosts Posh Fundraiser for Homeless Pals (businessweek.com)
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And defy the fashion history of the last three years.

Normally, I’d say the Gladiator look is completely finito (and not a moment too soon), but for some reason I just can’t place I’m rather inclined to let this particular iteration go. No, wait; I’ve reconsidered. It must all come off right! now!

Hail our Capitalist Tool overlords! (TrueSlant)

Jay-Z is NOT amused (Lolebrity)

EVERYBODY POLKA!!! (TheManolo)

It runs in the family (TeenyManolo)

That does NOT say “cojones” (ManoloHome)

Balls! (ManoloBrides)

How. To. Wear. Shoes. (ManoloBig)

Hail our porn vampire overlords! (AgentBedhead)

Lindsay Lohan has a cunning plan… (AmyGrindhouse)

Sex and the City and the supporting cast (BusyBeeBlogger)

They sent them back to the volcano (CeleBitchy)

Fergie, Ghetto Duchess (CelebrityBeehive)

Nicole Kidman’s new shirt stuffers (CelebCosmeticSurgery)

Paula Abdul can’t count? Imagine! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

25 Cent (CelebritySmack)

Liza with a line! (DailyStab)

So THAT’s why Sonoma is popular for weekends away (DListed)

Hail our big-butted overlords! (Gawker)

Hail our Adderall-crazed overlord! (HaveUHeard)

Ol’ Googly Eyes and his Moll from Outer Space at a premiere (INeedMyFix)

Lindsay Lohan in Night Court! (IBBB)

Wait, someone put WRITERS on camera??? (MovieLine)

Jake Gyllenhaal whips out his big sword for the cameras (PinkIsTheNewBlog)

ZOMG Ginny is taller than Harry! (UKPopSugar)