Ayyyy!

This? This is genius. And no doubt about to be a best-seller with single girls, who are up to their ears in articles on how to date hot men who bore them senseless (anything rather than be single!): just get him one of these super-turtlenecks and voila! Problem solved, and so much less stressful than just telling him to shut up.

M is for Muffle It, Heidi (AgentBedhead)

Shut Your Mouth! Elijah Wood is 29 (AmyGrindhouse)

Mad Man murdered by silence (BusyBeeBlogger)

Ben wants Jen to STFU (CeleBitchy)

Siskel shushes Ebert (Movieline)

Cows take Kiefer for a ride (PopEater)

Tina Turner is HOW old? Shut up! (CelebritySmack)

Say What? (DailyStab)

Monjack seeks to gag WarnerBrothers (DListed)

Amy Winehouse erases Blake (HolyMoly)

Things Jennifer Aniston DIDN’T say (PopBytes)

Denise Van Outen speaks in code (UKPopSugar)

Mariah’s dress covers her hidden charms (CityRag)

Hugh Jackman speaks! (LitelySalted)

Diddy did? I’m speechless (LaughingStork)

Clare Danes speaks for the autistic (INeedMyFix)

Pete Doherty continues to be unspeakable (CrazyDays&Nights)

Jay Leno hasn’t spoken to Conan (EvilBeet)

Ugly Betty silenced (GabbyBabble)

Alicia Keys has no comment (INO)

NBC slides Conan some hush money? (JustJared)

Zelda Rubenstein has gone dark (Movieline)

Jon Voight wants you to STFU HATERZ (PerezHilton)

Mariah shouldn’t talk! (ASL)

Lance Bass is quietly emo (TenGossip)

Chris Matthews puts his foot in his mouth (Gawker)

Shut up, Kanye (Lolebrity)

Don’t forget to enter this week’s Friday Caption Contest featuring Candace Bergen as you’ve never seen her before. Unless you’re her plastic surgeon.

Yes, it’s congratulations and imaginary swag to the winner of week-before-last’s-or-was-it-the-week-before-that’s Friday Caption Contest, featuring the amply pulchritudinous Mariah Carey at … some awards thing. The one where she was drunk. No, not that one, the other one. Well, one of the other ones. Whatever, YOU know what I mean!

Yes, here is Miss 150lbs of Glam in a 110lb Dress:

Paige Says:
January 9th, 2010 at 8:47 pm

When we start to wish you were on the “where are they now?” listings, you’ve likely overstayed your welcome. Exit gracefully, or we’ll haul your ass away. Gently, but away.

Congratulations to first-time winner Paige. For her imaginary prize we hypothetically present this amazing rocket-powered wheelchair, handmade with love by the apparently certifiably-insane Bob Gill. Imagine the Palm Beach geriatrics you could pick up with this baby! If this doesn’t say “I’m the fastest old lady in the Retirement Community” nothing does.

Ah, after all these years, what has not already been said about the protean talents of hottie and character actor Colin Farrell? Remember the time LiLo gave him her phone number in the gym? And he asked her how old she was? And she said seventeen? And he handed the card back and said call me in a year? and she did? And the rest is (medical) history?

He didn’t look like this back then:

Yes, it’s Colin “hottest fry cook in the chip wagon” Farrell, the pride of Dublin. Actually, given how drastically Lindsay’s gone downhill in the last year, he’s probably out of her league now, however much he might try to tone down teh sex-ay.

And believe me, he’s trying.

So Colin, what do you think of Bruges? (NSFW language, unless you work as a blogger, in which case at least be sure the people in the cafe can’t hear this)

Sure, blondes have more fun, but does she LOOK like a girl who likes to have fun? (AgentBedhead)

There IS justice in the world (AmyGrindhouse)

Kendra Wilkinson a FAR better actress than anyone suspected (BusyBeeBlogger)

If nomenclature and PR couldn’t keep these guys together, what hope IS there? (CelebritySmack)

Topless hunks in headless story (PopSugar)

Vampires: they’re JUST like us! (Lainey)

Van spawns MINI-Van (DListed)

Buh-BYE, Ty-Ty! (DailyStab)

PETA’s pet peeves (CeleBitchy)

MUST-see tv (Gawker)

Brit is BROWN! (EvilBeet)

Lindsay’s found her CALLING (HolyCandy)

Rapist sues over label; still fine with DOUCHE tho (LitelySalted)

Homeless couple spotted with ADORABLE children (GabbyBabble)

MALFOY in MIAMI! (INO)

Charlie Sheen’s Christmas CARDED (JustJared)

The AVATAR Holiday Special! (Movieline)

Mariah CARRY! (SeriouslyOMG)

Beckham’s BACK! (PopBytes)

First up, our “vintage” contest featuring Prince Harry.

el smrtmnky Says:
October 11th, 2009 at 7:12 pm

Lindsay Lohan goes full lesbian

Congrats and imaginary swag to first-time winner el smrtmnky. To celebrate his victory, we hypothetically award him with a digital, downloadable copy of the crown jewels:

Sadly, these ones belong to Charles. Not quite the same, I know.

And our second contest winner, featuring far more of Mariah Carey than I ever wanted to see:

gemdiva Says:
November 7th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
What do you mean I’m voted off the island!? I just got here.

What shall we award our returning champion? How about something with a little more flattering coverage than Mariah’s outfit?Like this snazzy shalwar kameez

Do your best/worst in the comments section. And YES, we will announce the winner of the last contest very soon, provided there isn’t another “Canadian Prairie Freak Show” incident on the bus tomorrow. Wish me luck!

A true pop idol never turns down an autograph request, notwithstanding it was probably part of her wedding vows.

I really should invest the time in finding a site or two with good nonalcoholic drinks recipes if I’m going to keep up this clean living thing, shouldn’t I?

Uwe Boll will not be kept down (AgentBedhead)

Mariah Carey rocks the Grade 7 look (AmyGrindhouse)

Kiefer Sutherland is calling me (BusyBeeBlogger)

Golddigger dug herself a hole (CeleBitchy)

The Prince of Paris (CelebritySmack)

Eve is transracial (CelebuWreck)

LiRo? SamLo? LOL! (HolyMoly)

Inaho/Kate Moss/sushi; make up your own punny headline (UKPopSugar)

Michelle Obama in Time (DailyStab)

Cher! Xtina! Burlesque! What more do you need to know? (DListed)

Harriet Carter’s magical doorway to the past (IBBB)

When stars attack…fans (SeriouslyOMG)

Is there a telethon for Lambertitis? (TenGossip)

Live without regrets…except that mis-spelled tattoo (Websters)

Yes, herbal tea. We’re way holistic around these parts, yo. Especially when we’re hung over.

Time for the Libertines (AgentBedhead)

Christian Bale’s Terminal hotness (AmyGrindhouse)

Hugh Jackman dials down the testosterone (BusyBeeBlogger)

Michael Jackson’s kids surprisingly normal-looking (GlamBabyBumps)

Let’s speak Frankly (BWE)

Emma Watson, princess? (CeleBitchy)

Michael Jackson has skin cancer (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Kathleen Turner, you’ve changed (CelebuWreck)

Katie Price pimps out pix (HolyMoly)

The Ricky Martin of Greece wins Eurovision (DListed)

Shia’s greatest roll? (EvilBeet)

Patriotic partying with the Hoff (GabbyBabble)

Uncle Karl’s walk in the park (FakeKarlLagerfeld)

More Mariah (PopBytes)

New Viggo! (UKPopSugar)

CHiPs 2.0 (INO)

John Mayer survives brutal attack (SeriouslyOMG)