Christian Louboutin has a lot to answer for (for which to answer? Whatever) in particular these heinosities for both sexes:

For Gentlemen:

This Louboutin demonstrates what men think of as "spikes"

And for the Ladies:

To Lady Gaga, these are just fluffy

Now, I’m sorry.

No, I’m not.

But these BOTH look like either two people suffering from EPIC plantar warts (isn’t it nice they found each other? I bet the romcom would star Jennifer Aniston and Ben Stiller, and be nearly as painful as the disease) OR they were lovingly hand-crafted in an Italian atelier from the intimate membranes of a Stegosaurus with history’s worst case of genital warts.

Having planted that lovely thought in your head, I’ll now degrade you further with todays corny links.

Britney Spears is corny (Lolebrity)

Just say YES to creamed corn and ketchup with this delicacy (Manolofood)

“Evergreen” is still the top kernel of corn (raincoaster)

Joan Collins’ liquor is a little more rarefied (ayyyy)

Gaga’s brains are totally frittata (AgentBedhead)

Chris CORNell (BusyBeeBlogger)

Duelling cornballs, nobody wins! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Bagel-to-Perogy communications perfected (DippedInCream)

Kingston’s just a niblet off the ol’ cob (CelebritySmack)

What the Adele? Isn’t WalMart too cornepone? (CelebVIPLounge)

Elisabetta Corn-all-ass (CityRag)

Aw, shucks, Canada’s hottest export returns! (DailyStab)

Gaga’s husky voice comes from the Whiskey Yoga Diet (GirlsTalkinSmack)

I always forget which one is Korny (FitFabCeleb)

Bieber creamed! (SeriouslyOMG)

Daniel Radcliffe is all Aw Shucks (CeleBitchy)

She’s a niblet, and shrinking! (TheSkinny)

Nice stalks! (GossipTeen)

Is that a corncob in your pocket, Brad, or??? (HaveUHeard)

Simon Cowell is picking Canada’s best crop of niblets (INeedMyFix)

If Gwyneth Paltrow is a vegan, does that make her a cannibal? (AmyGrindhouse)

Britney got her silks combed (PoorBritney)

Sui, Sui, pig, pig, pig (PopBytes)

Mariah’s ready to pop (EvilBeet)

Congrats to the cute couple

Awww, isn’t that cute? The Duchess of Alba and her boytoy Alfonso Díez are making it legal. Living proof, if any were needed, that an aggressive nose job that results in you breathing out of two large pores in the middle of your face is never a wasted expense, if it allows one to attract men known to society paper readers everywhere as “and Unnamed Friend”.

In honour of the lovely couple, let’s toast them with a classic Champagne cocktail fortified with a little Spanish brandy, and read some sexy gossip links:

inside raincoaster (raincoaster)

Ryan Reynolds has a sexy fra…what was I saying? (Ayyyy)

Kate Spade’s sexy movie (ManoloFood)

Fred and George Weasley KNOW they’ve got it (Lolebrity)

Sir Elton has some words for our generation’s biggest a$$ (AgentBedhead)

Chris Isaak’s steamy new video (BusyBeeBlogger)

Tila Tequila’s sex tape means we’ll never be rid of her (CelebDirtyLaundry)

WHAT is Gaga doing to herself in bed? (CelebritySmack)

ScarJo doesn’t let cobwebs grow on her ladybits (CelebVIPLounge)

VD Stars! (CityRag)

OMG Tila Tequila and Jennifer Aniston appear in sketchy video together (DailyStab)

Michelle Trachtenberg loves her body and tells you ALL about it (FitFabCeleb)

They get wet (GirlsTalkinSmack)

J Hud talks about her new body (HaveUHeard)

Anderson Cooper is NOT into beatings! (INeedMyFix)

Britney’s got yogabutt! (PoorBritney)

What’s Lady Gaga’s sex name? (PopBytes)

Forget the body: what has Nicole Richie done to her face? (TheSkinny)

Chuck Berry on line one… (SeriouslyOMG)

Autobiography: Good anecdote, bad reality

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a quote for the ages:

“When my mother was about 7, my grandmother locked her in the closet. So, after my mom had been in the closet for about an hour, she asked my grandmother for a glass of water. My grandmother, naturally, said ‘Why?’ and my mother said ‘Because I’ve spit all over your dresses and now I’ve run out of spit and I wanna spit all over your shoes.’ These are the people I hail from.”

— Carrie Fisher

She’s also the author of one of the best opening lines in history, “I never should have given my phone number to the guy who pumped my stomach.”

Michael Jackson gave me the BEST present (raincoaster)

Who wore it better: a Gareth Pugh model or Godzilla (Ayyyy)

Frank Sinatra vs some pasty vegan (ManoloFood)

Katy Perry won’t admit she has a problem (Lolebrity)

This part is so radioactive they may have to hire Lindsay Lohan (AgentBedhead)

Amy Winehouse was once more ambitious than you (AmyGrindhouse)

RPattz pub candid! (TheBosh)

Reese Witherspoon ups the ante with her exes (BusyBeeBlogger)

This will not end well: fag vs hag (CeleBitchy)

Nicole Richie is no Lilo, yo! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Times Square is a Snooki-free zone (CelebritySmack)

Xtina has reXamined her approach to FARDS (CityRag)

No Doubt McCartney was thrilled to the core of his being (DailyStab)

Lock up your sperm! It’s time for Dancing with the Professional Uterus (Earsucker)

This has to be the best headline I have seen in WEEKS (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Archie Leach is appalled at this! (HaveUHeard)

Kelly Osbourne is OUT of control (INeedMyFix)

Kate Moss tiptoes her way out of modeling (JustJared)

A Charlie Sheen Christmas (PopBytes)

Coolest Hogwartian casts spell on Disney World (PerezHilton)

Kate Gosselin escapes to Australia to shoot her children (Radar)

Best-dressed heads of state (Styleite)

I know, I know, we just had him, but for some reason I just feel like featuring him again today. The only problem is, I can’t decide which picture to use.

Do you like this one?

or this one?

Let’s drink to that with a nice, refreshing Screwdriver, from the official index to Mad Men Cocktails.

Mean Disney Girls just a bunch of drama queens (raincoaster)
At least they were free of Yoko in there (Lolebrity)
Reznorvision coming soon to your screens? (AgentBedhead)
The Face of Kotex! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Some people will do ANYTHING to impress Sandra Bullock’s castoffs (CeleBitchy)
Spot the cyborgs among us! (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)
Violent repeat felon seeks custodianship of Lindsay Lohan (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Michael Bolton, it is FAR too late for respect! (CelebritySmack)
Gaga a Go-Go (CityRag)
Naomi Campbell’s feet are HUGE (CojoStyle)
Yes, everyone but me DOES have a book deal (DailyStab)
Macaroni Rascals (DListed)
A foursome isn’t just for golfing and bridge? (EvilBeet)
Sly, stylin’ (GabbyBabble)
Brigitte Nielson is looking younger (GoFugYourself)
Get your Bieber Babies! (HaveUHeard)
Michael Bolton is the Rodney Dangerfield of show pony has-beens (INeedMyFix)
Catching up with Bristol Palin’s favorite show (IBBB)
Oh holy Jeebus, even Hilary Duff has a book deal (JustJared)
This will be some actress’s lowest career point (MovieLine)
Baby Buble (PerezHilton)
B from the block (PinkIsTheNewBlog)
Backney! (PoorBritney)
The Mysteries of Minnelli (PopBytes)
Jon’s got a Ham in his pants (SeriouslyOMG)

If it were literally anyone else on Earth, I’d say this was just too Bing Crosby, but Downey is edgy enough to keep it from being boring. I like to think he’s the reformed bad boy who’s clean and sober, but still a little crazy. Now, if those jeans had been skinny hipster jeans, or the hat a titch smaller, I’d have said (rightly) throw that sad fashion victim under a bus for the good of humanity, but my boy is too smart to be a sucker to somebody else’s trend, thank GOD.

So let’s raise a cup of Irish Breakfast Tea to a clean and sober and still kooky Robert Downey Junior.

Britney Spears, like you’ve never heard her before (raincoaster)
The Ages of Lindsay Lohan (Lolebrity)
Bai is Back! (AgentBedhead)
James Franco denies he has class (AmyGrindhouse)
Kristin Davis is holey (BusyBeeBlogger)
And ours, too, Taylor (CeleBitchy)
Mariah Carey falls hard…for backup dancer? (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Look what ol’ ceiling eyes landed (CelebritySmack)
Lindsay Lohan’s high school yearbook photos? (CityRag)
Elmo’s playmate on SNL (DailyStab)
Charo and…Iggy Pop??? (DListed)
Fergie rocks the Merv Griffin caftan (EvilBeet)
Nicole Richie has her Tinkerbell costume all ready for Halloween (GabbyBabble)
They’re even recycling bachelors now (HaveUHeard)
I think that’s Ann-Margret’s body, Bret (INeedMyFix)
NOBODY remakes The Duke (MovieLine)
Sex and the Single Hobbit (PerezHilton)
Daniel Radcliffe is retro-fabulous (PinkIsTheNewBlog)
KFat takes the munchkins to mingle with proles (PoorBritney)
Brad and Zahara ditch the old ball and chain (UKPopSugar)
This divorce WILL cost a pound of flesh (SeriouslyOMG)

Scarlett Johannsson knows the worse the hair, the lower the neckline should be

Oh my. Oh my. At least she’s still got two things going for her.

Cameron Diaz is slick! (Shoeblogs)
Nicole Richie is too sexy for her hat (Lolebrity)
Dot dot dot (TeenyManolo)
Start the day off RIGHT! (ManoloBig)
Going in circles looking for wallpaper? (ManoloHome)
Tux and cover! (ManoloBrides)
Dustin Hoffman did it first, boys (AgentBedhead)
Lindsay Lohan is pulling a Klinger to get out of jail (BusyBeeBlogger)
You’ll pry her heels from her cold, dead hands (CeleBitchy)
Paris Hilton is a natural woman of parts (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)
Ozzy Osbourne is poison! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
so is raincoaster (raincoaster)
World’s two most famous lesbians together at last! (CojoStyle)
ScarJo has two things going for her (CityRag)
St. Angelina wears nose cone falsies (DailyStab)
Johnny Depp fears nothing, not even Penelope Cruz! (HaveUHeard)
I don’t see Emma Peel (INeedMyFix)
Oliver Stone identifies with Hitler (MovieLine)
The hardest-working B-Listers at Comic Con! (SeriouslyOMG)

At the debut of her Winter Kate Collection, Nicole Richie demonstrates that there is nothing, no matter how undignified, that she will not do for publicity.

Including the “glass box” routine.

How can this be anything but WIN, unless you’re RPattz’s parents, that is?

Rachel vs House (Lolebrity)

Australia versus Versace (News)

“Pneumonia” is the new “exhaustion” (INO)

Vampires and the swine flu (JustJared)

Will Sandra Bullock take over the whole world? (Movieline)

Behold the sexiest man alive! (UKPopSugar)

Is this whole month a DON’T? (GraziaFashion)

Behind closed doors with Tom Cruise (PopBytes)

Too much to hope for? Miley Cyrus’ Last Song (SeriouslyOMG)

Ten’s Ten Sexiest Men (TenGossip)

Lindsay Lohan, grab bag lady (LitelySalted)

New Moon underwear wars (AgentBedhead)

Levi without his Levis (DailyStab)

Rachel Maddow <3 Sarah Palin (Gawker)

CourSem sez SamRo somethingorother LiLo (EvilBeet)

Harry Connick Jr has the filthiest look at a Christmas concert (GabbyBabble)

The Shoehan blog (Shoehans)

What Karl hates (CeleBitchy)

Taylor Lautner still hot, not legal (BusyBeeBlogger)

And this is why Canada rules hockey (BWE)

Stevie Wonder’s on Twitter! (CelebritySmack)