Ayyyy!

Phyllis Diller

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, “Who could have done this? We have no enemies.”

– Phyllis Diller

As they say on Tumblr, GPOY.

Phyllis Diller is my spirit animal, and now that she’s gone to meet her maker (he’s SCARED and he’s getting out the good cocktail glasses) the world is a duller place. It is even a less stylish place.

Gaga, Keshia, and Nicki Minaj are just going to have to find someone else to rip off.

Phyllis Diller tiptoes through the tulips

There is no neck, however heinous, that cannot be improved upon by an enormous collar of plastic beads.

Phyllis Diller before and after

When in doubt, add eyelashes. And rhinestones, in case the eyelashes feel conspicuous.

Phyllis Diller’s hair raising situation

I don’t know what the question was, but the answer was obviously “VOLUME!”

Phyllis Diller vs Hairdressers

You can hardly blame them for putting a price on her head. At least, parts of it.

Phyllis Diller was an American Rose

How I wish I could have found a recording of her singing The Rose, but as a consolation prize here she is singing her theme song, “(I can’t get no) Satisfaction). Yes, really.

Stop! In the name of ... all that is holy

The Fake and Bake is strong with this one.

Let’s all have a glass of Bolli fortified with Stoli and a good hard look at ourselves in the mirror (are we really turning into our mothers?) and a few celebrity gossip links with a Mother’s Day theme.

The great Hillary Clinton cover-up (raincoaster)

Mother’s Day food porn (ManoloFood)

Guess the celebrity and her mom (Ayyyy)

Norman Bates LOVES his mommy (Lolebrity)

Rock on: Mother’s Day ditty from Dwayne Johnson (AgentBedhead)

Sheryl Crow’s building her own Partridge Family (BusyBeeBlogger)

That’s it, Bieber! Go to your room! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Sean Penn, you listen to your mother! YOU COME BACK HERE YOUNG MAN!!! (CelebritySmack)

It’s okay, Kate, don’t be jealous. Mom always liked you best (CelebVIPLounge)

Is this woman the fiercest mom on the planet? (CityRag)

Baby Beckham is already colour-coordinated (DailyStab)

Mommy had better get out of rehab soon (EarSucker)

Uh, is this some kind of bizarre Hollywood fertility rite? (FitFabCeleb)

Celebs and their moms on Mother’s Day (HaveUHeard)

Sparklepants and the world’s most famous unwed mother pose (HollywoodHiccups)

Mom Julia Roberts wants to save millions of moms’s lives (INeedMyFix)

Xtina shows off her babyfeed silos (MathewGuiver)

Teen mom Jamie Lynn is scaring me (PoorBritney)

Saluting Sophia Loren, about 40 years late (PopBytes)

Happy mother’s day from Roseanne (SeriouslyOMG)

In certain circles George Clooney’s birthday was also a holiday (SwoonWorthy)

World’s most famous barren womb indulges in Salvation Armani (TheSkinny)

The torch is passed: Madonna’s girl-child releases a single (TheSkinnyChic)

The Royal Wedding entrance like none other. My shameful past as a Prince Andrew fangirl with full-on subscriptions to Majesty AND The Royals comes out as I say the Princess Ann and Camilla lookalikes are really startlingly good, but the emo cynic within me comes out when I note that even the fake Prince Harry has way more fun than the fake Prince William, who has way more fun than either of the real ones.

Now, let’s toast these glorious ersatzii with (what else?) a Buck’s Fizz and some common gossip links.

Tee Many Martoonis (ManoloFood)

Spa No Go? Oh. (raincoaster)

Marilyn Monroe conquers the world! (Ayyyy)

Is this how the Spears family started? (Lolebrity)

Tom Cruise sees red (AgentBedhead)

And it turns out he’s not even related to Viggo! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Evan Rachel Wood lives up to his name (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Vanessa Hudgens in tampon chain fashion tragedy (CelebritySmack)

And then Trump asked for its birth certificate (CelebVIPLounge)

Joey Ramone lives on. On white trash (CityRag)

NPH has double trouble (DailyStab)

How many celebutards does it take to dance on the head of a mushroom? (DippedInCream)

Oh, Aniston, it’s SO mutual (EarSucker)

Mike Tyson is serious about this yoga thing, too (FitFabCeleb)

Elizabeth Hurley will never age. STOP IT ALREADY, BITCH! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Let me get this straight…If you sleep under Miley Cyrus’ armpits, you will never have nightmares? (HaveUHeard)

JSimp wigs out (HollywoodHiccups)

Shack up with Glee! (INeedMyFix)

Royal Wedding rehearsal shocker! (MathewGuiver)

Nicki Minaj drops the dildo for Britney (PoorBritney)

Fergie drops the “D-List Bomb” on the TSA (PopBytes)

Huh? Seriously? Kirstie Alley was onstage at the same time? (Swoonworthy)

Miley Cyrus appears to have a shin cellulite problem??? (TheSkinny)

 

I’m sorry, people, do we really have to go over this after all this time?

Charo cannot be upstaged. It cannot be done. Stop trying.

And now, it’s time for our Sexy Links. Enjoy them with a sexy cocktail like the Big Blue Sexy:

Sextradited! Julian Assange is going to Sweden! (raincoaster)

and how much do they make busking in that lobby anyway? (Ayyyy)

Dinner with Julian could get sexy! (Manolofood)

Steve Martin is a spammer! (raincoastermedia)

Marlon Brando is rollin’ dirty! (Lolebrity)

The King must be hard up (AgentBedhead)

Lindsay Lohan can afford a car? (BusyBeeBlogger)

How to Kreate a Kardashian (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Let them eat Paris Hilton’s birthday cake! (CelebritySmack)

Champagne wishes and caviar … nails? (CelebVIPLounge)

Making money this way is still more respectable than doing Glitter (CeleBitchy)

EVERYBODY’s a Material Girl (DailyStab)

Buy some Bieber! (Earsucker)

It’s a living, eh Natalie? (FitFabCeleb)

Kiki Drunkst spent her allowance on eyeliner (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Rosie O’Donnell is gonna have to get a job now! (HaveUHeard)

Also, she was trying to auction off her Plus One (INeedMyFix)

Is there MONEY in being an internet troll? (PoorBritney)

The Donald is just pissed Rihanna is richer than him (PopBytes)

and for this she gets $5million a picture (SeriouslyOMG)

I’d pay good money to have seen this live (TheSkinny)

Autobiography: Good anecdote, bad reality

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a quote for the ages:

“When my mother was about 7, my grandmother locked her in the closet. So, after my mom had been in the closet for about an hour, she asked my grandmother for a glass of water. My grandmother, naturally, said ‘Why?’ and my mother said ‘Because I’ve spit all over your dresses and now I’ve run out of spit and I wanna spit all over your shoes.’ These are the people I hail from.”

— Carrie Fisher

She’s also the author of one of the best opening lines in history, “I never should have given my phone number to the guy who pumped my stomach.”

Michael Jackson gave me the BEST present (raincoaster)

Who wore it better: a Gareth Pugh model or Godzilla (Ayyyy)

Frank Sinatra vs some pasty vegan (ManoloFood)

Katy Perry won’t admit she has a problem (Lolebrity)

This part is so radioactive they may have to hire Lindsay Lohan (AgentBedhead)

Amy Winehouse was once more ambitious than you (AmyGrindhouse)

RPattz pub candid! (TheBosh)

Reese Witherspoon ups the ante with her exes (BusyBeeBlogger)

This will not end well: fag vs hag (CeleBitchy)

Nicole Richie is no Lilo, yo! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Times Square is a Snooki-free zone (CelebritySmack)

Xtina has reXamined her approach to FARDS (CityRag)

No Doubt McCartney was thrilled to the core of his being (DailyStab)

Lock up your sperm! It’s time for Dancing with the Professional Uterus (Earsucker)

This has to be the best headline I have seen in WEEKS (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Archie Leach is appalled at this! (HaveUHeard)

Kelly Osbourne is OUT of control (INeedMyFix)

Kate Moss tiptoes her way out of modeling (JustJared)

A Charlie Sheen Christmas (PopBytes)

Coolest Hogwartian casts spell on Disney World (PerezHilton)

Kate Gosselin escapes to Australia to shoot her children (Radar)

Best-dressed heads of state (Styleite)

Well, I’ve pulled my second all-nighter in a week and it’s only Wednesday. Not only is it Wednesday, but a little bird called Twitter told me it’s #WhiskeyWednesday and the new Harry Potter movie is out, and that means that as soon as this all-night diner can rustle me up something warming I’m having a coffee with a double Fireball and then conking out while the rest of you are all working. Salut! Happy hump day! Here is a picture of Paul Newman in a floppy hat, demonstrating once again that the beautiful can get away with things mere mortals cannot.

John Galliano’s unholy ambition (Ayyyy)
Harold, Kumar, Team America World Police, and your daily civics lesson (raincoaster)
2 girls, 1 cup, 1 Chaplin (Lolebrity)
Unspeakable horror aboard a shipwreck! (ManoloFood)
Baby put in corner, survives to triumph (AgentBedhead)
Clive Owen, looking pretty (BusyBeeBlogger)
and you, madam, are NO David Bowie (CeleBitchy)
Justin Bieber in Playboy? (CelebDirtyLaundry)
I think this is a steampunk jeweled zombie dress? (CelebritySmack)
Don’t Tattoo the Hoff! (CityRag)
But HOW do you love a man in a wetsuit? (CojoStyle)
They’ve always seemed Sketchy to me (DailyStab)
Yes, we have socialized B-lister protection (DListed)
Charlie Sheen also reads Playboy for the articles (Earsucker)
Give that monster a cookie! And a job! (EvilBeet)
My invitation must be lost in the mail (GabbyBabble)
Hopefully this means she’ll be “acting” less (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Daniel Radcliffe actually IS Harry Potter (HaveUHeard)
Versace de-sexifies, rolls over in grave (INeedMyFix)
But seriously, how do you parody Nicki Minaj? (PerezHilton)
and Paris Hilton carries her Thanksgiving entree to the pantry (PopBytes)
Brendan Fraser in “Homeless or Hipster?” (SeriouslyOMG)

and, apparently, oblivious to the fact that her dress is caught in her pantyhose.

Let’s toast the fact that WE are not, as Gallagher says, walking around with our clothes tucked into our underwear, with a Kilt Lifter Ale and a sigh of relief.

Angels are devils (raincoaster)
Lady Gaga is an ape (Ayyyy)
Survival tips for meeting the savage Naomi Campbell (CelebrityBeehive)
The end of civilization as we know it (AgentBedhead)
This will probably be the most beautiful child ever made (BusyBeeBlogger)
Some fine DNA dodged a bullet with this one (CeleBitchy)
Meanwhile, Gisele is spreading hers around (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Hairless ape has, yes, another book deal (DailyStab)
This is like crossing a Shetland Pony and a Mastodon (HaveUHeard)
Vestigal celebutard, the last of its species, manages to survive (INeedMyFix)
RIP James Dean (Lolebrity)
Former child stars butt heads to establish dominance (PerezHilton)
For conspiracy fans: The Midwich Rockers Approacheth! (PregnancyFashion)

If it were literally anyone else on Earth, I’d say this was just too Bing Crosby, but Downey is edgy enough to keep it from being boring. I like to think he’s the reformed bad boy who’s clean and sober, but still a little crazy. Now, if those jeans had been skinny hipster jeans, or the hat a titch smaller, I’d have said (rightly) throw that sad fashion victim under a bus for the good of humanity, but my boy is too smart to be a sucker to somebody else’s trend, thank GOD.

So let’s raise a cup of Irish Breakfast Tea to a clean and sober and still kooky Robert Downey Junior.

Britney Spears, like you’ve never heard her before (raincoaster)
The Ages of Lindsay Lohan (Lolebrity)
Bai is Back! (AgentBedhead)
James Franco denies he has class (AmyGrindhouse)
Kristin Davis is holey (BusyBeeBlogger)
And ours, too, Taylor (CeleBitchy)
Mariah Carey falls hard…for backup dancer? (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Look what ol’ ceiling eyes landed (CelebritySmack)
Lindsay Lohan’s high school yearbook photos? (CityRag)
Elmo’s playmate on SNL (DailyStab)
Charo and…Iggy Pop??? (DListed)
Fergie rocks the Merv Griffin caftan (EvilBeet)
Nicole Richie has her Tinkerbell costume all ready for Halloween (GabbyBabble)
They’re even recycling bachelors now (HaveUHeard)
I think that’s Ann-Margret’s body, Bret (INeedMyFix)
NOBODY remakes The Duke (MovieLine)
Sex and the Single Hobbit (PerezHilton)
Daniel Radcliffe is retro-fabulous (PinkIsTheNewBlog)
KFat takes the munchkins to mingle with proles (PoorBritney)
Brad and Zahara ditch the old ball and chain (UKPopSugar)
This divorce WILL cost a pound of flesh (SeriouslyOMG)