ten carats of PAIN!

I think these would only really suit a very feminine woman with four spouses, all of whom she was furious with. What’s that, Quadritamy? Mass assault?  Ha: What is that? Ah, who am I kidding? It’s LINDSAY LOHAN!

Guess SamRo finally put a ring on it.

Backstage with Dali (raincoaster)

Fresh Heiress (Ayyyy)

Who’s the Boss? (ManoloFood)

Don Draper, Math Man (Lolebrity)

The first step is admitting you have a problem, Gwyneth (AgentBedhead)

Jack Sparrow to fly again (BusyBeeBlogger)

Your annual Taylor Swift post-breakup “learning experience” post (CeleBitchy)

Boy takes Backstreet to Rehab (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Christina Hendricks, nudie Juggalo? (CelebritySmack)

Snowman of the damned (CityRag)

Imminent arrival puts crimp in Kate Hudson’s dating game (DailyStab)

Rachel Zoe repurposes (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Justin Bieber is allergic to stunt casting (HaveUHeard)

Too much macho in one photo (INeedMyFix)

Oprah cheeses out (PopBytes)

Yet another legacy model zones out (TheSkinny)

I don’t honestly think we’ve had Trent before, so here is the lovely Nine Inch Nails founder in all his post-heroinal, pre-steroidal glory from a few years back. He’s so thick and beefy lately that he’s got double chins behind his ears. Not. A. Good. Look.

Instead of toasting this with the obvious choice of a protein shake, I suggest a nice goblet of Mansinthe: sure, Absinthe tastes appalling, but it sets the goth/emo tone and whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? Aw, shaddap and write a poem about the taste of wormwood, whydoncha?

Chairdancing With The Hotties (raincoaster)
Bobby Trendy, Big Mouth (Ayyyy)
Johnny Depp-O-Rama (Lolebrity)
Lindsay Lohan’s badass, coke-seeing escape attempt (CelebrityBeehive)
Heather Graham has swimmer’s ear (AgentBedhead)
David Arquette mistakes Howard Stern for Oprah Winfrey (AmyGrindhouse)
Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Suddenly, there’s not a dry seat in the house! (CeleBitchy)
The end days are upon us: even men hate Jennifer Aniston now (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Bad Panda! (DListed)
That’s a whole LOTTA tablecloth, Keira (GoFugYourself)
Taylor Swift is still an angsty teen (HaveUHeard)
Raisin on board! (INeedMyFix)
Perez Hilton, nice guy? (PerezHilton)
Does Britney Spears have a crush on George Stephanopoulos (PoorBritney)
Michael J. Fox goes back to Back to the Future! (SeriouslyOMG)
Adam Sandler makes a lousy lesbian (ASL)

That’s right: Charm, Beauty, and Creativity. It’s anyone’s guess which is which.

The Monkees never knew what hit them (raincoaster)
Meryl Streep is the answer, no matter what the question (Lolebrity)
Chris Noth reduced to bumming gum from Paparazzi (AgentBedhead)
Lilo is FREE!!!! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Blog comments by celebrities are not a substitute for competent medical advice (CeleBitchy)
Happy Birthday, Luke! What did your dad get you? (CelebrityBeehive)
My boy is as straight as the day is long, yessir (CelebDirtyLaundry)
James Franco wears Frankenshoon! (CelebritySmack)
Feets of the Weak Week (CityRag)
Good to know, good to know, thanks, Queenie (QueenUK)
This…THING is not like that THING (CojoStyle)
You again…and again… (DailyStab)
RIP Eddie Fisher (GabbyBabble)
Katy Perry can’t bring her assets to Sesame Street (HaveUHeard)
Can ANYONE make Louboutins work with a prison jumpsuit? (INeedMyFix)
Audrina is “excited about her cha-cha” (IBBB)
Brit-Glee (Movieline)
Brittany vs Britney (PoorBritney)
Motorists of Manhattan, you missed your chance! (Radar)
Sesame Street by the Jersey Shore (SeriouslyOMG)

Yes, Kristen Stewart smiling. I couldn’t believe it either.

Michael Jackson, a saint for our times (TrueSlant)

Michael Jackson still dead: update at 11 (raincoaster)

Chuck Norris, designer (lolebrity)

Atheists don’t get hymns (TheManolo)

Work it out (ManoloHome)

Consolation Prize (ManoloBig)

Swaddling clothes have a LIMIT PEOPLE: Bridal Diaper myth debunked (ManoloBrides)

It’s confession time! (TeenyManolo)

Katy Perry and Russell Brand are off the market? (AllieIsWired)

Sandra is Free! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Lohan 2.0 isn’t waiting for the casting agents (CeleBitchy)

The plastic surgery double standard (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

Jennifer Capriati took a shot at suicide (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Amy Locane DUI Death (CelebritySmack)

Pocket celebs (CityRag)

I’m sorry, hon, Elizabeth Hurley comes along once in a lifetime (SeriouslyOMG)

Oprah on top (HaveUHeard)

Prince Harry goes down (INeedMyFix)

Ah, Dino: my dream man. Except for the being married thing. And the smoking. And being dead. And thus unable to mix me a medicinal tonic. Yeah, other than that, perfect.

I could use a medicinal tonic or six. You may have heard that I’ve been under the weather, and from the way I feel, the weather was wearing studded body armor at the time. I’m still not 100%, but with the help of a good man and/or a good pharmacist and/or a good bartender, I hope to have things back to normal around here relatively soon. And so, to the links.

Malcolm McLaren, the best mayor London never had (TrueSlant)

Eli Roth, regular guy (Lolebrity)

Marilyn Manson is SHOCKED! SHOCKED I SAY! (AgentBedhead)

Elizabeth Taylor is still on the market, boys! (AmyGrindhouse)

Johnny Weir is no size queen (BusyBeeBlogger)

Coco returns! (CeleBitchy)

Dick van Dyke raps! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Downey, Junior, is a hottie (CelebritySmack)

More sex, more city (DailyStab)

Oprah was slumming (DListed)

Gleeful engagement (HaveUHeard)

Isn’t Kenny Rogers 100? (INeedMyFix)

Snooki keeps it real (IBBB)

Christina Aguilera is not herself (JustJared)

Britney in the Circus tent (PoorBritney)

Cougartown is handsy. Or is that pawsy? (UKPopSugar)

Tequila is really like a choose-your-own-adventure novel except everyone has the same ending:

Emotionally distraught-> drinking in large quantities sounds like a good idea -> you are so not getting back together with this person so stop trying -> puke.

You’re barely legal -> cheap shots at the bar provided by strangers -> dancing on said bar -> puke.

Where was I? For some reason really fuzzy this morning…

Celebrity Dad Faceoff: Burton vs McQueen (TeenyManolo)

Paris Hilton, Global Village Idiot (Websters)

Gamer on! (TenGossip)

Affleck amok! (ASL)

Channing Tatum Fighting! (JustJared)

A minute Mike Myers moment (SeriouslyOMG)

Kate Winslet vs the Daily Mail (INO)

Holy cow (WizbangPop)

Kate Moss needs help finding a man (UKPopSugar)

Jack Black’s on-set orgy (GetLippy)

Rihanna, pixillated (HolyMoly)

Karl Lagerfeld on Twitter (FakeKarl)

anal bleaching is the new Kazakhstan? (Movieline)

Megan Fox is, like, smart (EvilBeet)

Intern George’s Fug cocktail (GoFugYourself)

Free Chocolate (DailyStab)

Stark Trek trailer (AgentBedhead)

The Oprah riots, dissected (AmyGrindhouse)

Katy Perry is on fiyah! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Porn star or network anchor quiz (Gawker)

Skittles Vodka: just shoot it (BWE)

Hugh can do it (AgentBedhead)

Miley? Can sue it! (AmyGrindhouse)

He knew it! (AprilWinchell)

Beth Ditto just nudes it (CelebWarship)

Mickey Rourke talks sh*t (CelebritySmack)

Jane Krakowski’s cans can’t (CelebuWreck)

Barrymore on Grant? (CandyKirby)

Britney on Trent? (GabbyBabble)

Jessica splits her pants (CeleBitchy)

Courtney Love, heirophant (GoFugYourself)

All hail Tina Fey (EvilBeet)

A new job for Aubrey O’Day (DailyStab)

Peck or Sidney Poitier? (TeenyManolo)

Celebrate the Harriet Carter way (IBBB)

Heidi Klum’s got tubby, eh? (DListed)

Someone’ll get it from Michael Bay (Defamer)

Gwyneth will get it from Oprah Winfrey (Defamer as well, this was too good to skip)

Announcing James Roday (SeriouslyOMG)

Lily Allen’s overexposed tittay (Websters)

Blogs invaded by Jordan’s Peter Andre (UKPopSugar)

Ivana Trump goes on holiday (HolyMoly)

and this concludes our rhyming-on-flu-meds experiment for this evening.

In a world with Lily Allen, why does anyone still hate Sinead O’Connor? (AgentBedhead)

Celebrity Dad Faceoff: Cary Grant vs Marlon Brando (TeenyManolo)

Esquire’s rip away Obamaface (AmyGrindhouse)

Oprah takes the cake (BWE)

Boy George really DID want to hurt him (CelebWarship)

Courtney Love hates heebs, in Heeb (CeleBitchy)

Also hates Grandma (DailyStab)

Barack Obama’s letter to his daughters (CelebrityDirtyLaundry)

Fabio Lives! (CelebritySmack)

The recession comes to Sundance (Defamer)

Lindsay and Ali Lohan pill shopping (DListed)

Joaquin Phoenix is the next Vanilla Ice (EvilBeet)

Johnny Depp will bring The Doctor back (TheRadReport)

Juliette Lewis is the best agent L.Ron Hubbard ever had! (HolyMoly)

Kate Moss turns 35 (CandyKirby)

Wilson Philips on the comeback trail? (GabbyBabble)

The world’s greatest motivational video (YouTube)

Audrina’s surprise package (IBBB)

Ricky Martin rocks the Boy George Bag Man look (JustJared)

Russell Brand, the next Simon Cowell? (UKPopSugar)

Jonas panty raid! (Websters)

Michael Jackson “his” Blanket (YBF)

Bai Ling and Mickey Rourke, king and queen of Hell Prom Night (Websters)

Dame Edna for MAC cosmetics, NO REALLY (WOWReport)

Paula Abdul changes it up (CityRag)

Oprah was a bad girl? Are you on crack? (CeleBitchy)

How to make it onto American Idol in 20 easy steps (BWE)

Is this the next Ambassador to the Court of St. James? (FakeKarl)

The Hudson River Miracle (Gawker)

The Hero of the Hudson (EvilBeet)

Christmas lives forever in the heart of Taylor Momsen (JustJared)

Jade Goody has never looked better (HollywoodTuna)

The BAFTAS don’t care about British people! (Defamer)

Katie Holmes is on fiyah! (CandyKirby)

Sienna Miller shops from someone else’s cart (Lainey)

Britney’s Fantasy Island discovered, mapped (GOTA)

Patrick Swayze is ON! (SeriouslyOMG)

Stars as Big Girls (PopBytes)

Pink never drops them, she just recycles them (POTP)

Lily Allen is VERY close to her brother (BFYL)

Travesty Alert: Karate Kid remake (IBBB)

The hottest accessory in Hollywood (CelebritySmack)

Karl does not care about your demode recession woes (HolyMoly)

Fake Chanel, real useful (Cvxn)

Anne Hathaway has found her new liar (AmyGrindhouse)

Verne Troyer on the rampage! (TheLondonBlog)

How to start a cult (AgentBedhead)

The Happy Birthday Kate Moss quiz (UKPopSugar)

The latest trend in Wall Street downsizing (Jossip)

Run DMC this way to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (AgentBedhead)

Jennifer Hudson goes back to work (AmyGrindhouse)

Amy Winehouse limbers up for a long day of getting drunk (CeleBitchy)

MacBecks, the opera (HolyMoly)

A day without Bobby Trendy is like… (CelebritySmack)

BAFTA nominations announced (UKPopSugar)

Have YOU been infected by Paris Hilton? (DailyStab)

Paula Abdul’s bondage bodice (DanasDirt)

RIP Ricardo Montalban (Defamer)

Kelly Rutherford’s divorce gets dark (GabbyBabble)

Victoria Beckham in someone else’s underwear (EvilBeet)

Morgan Freeman wants to know if you have a problem with it? (CandyKirby)

Harriet Carter Beauty Wednesday (IBBB)

Sienna Miller apparently on the Courtney Love diet (JustJared)

Before They Were Famous: Simon Cowell (SeriouslyOMG)

Oprah loves Kate’s Golden Globes (ASL)

Cam vs Drew? (Websters)