Make mine a double. I need the caffeine to counter the No-Name Cold And Flu Extra Super Megatron Strength tabs I picked up off that guy in the alley.

Slumdog Millionaire or Future Nike Factory Worker? (TheBlemish)

Beverly Hills Millionaire or future therapy patient? (AllieIsWired)

at least he can still fly (AmyGrindhouse)

Does Rihanna have an undiagnosed head injury? (WizbangPop)

Times are tough for everyone as U2 does an honest day’s work (YouTube)

As does Debra Messing (GoFugYourself)

Will Joke For Food (ASL)

The Butterscotch Stallion puts the feedbag on (Websters)

Social media at its most anti-social (IBBB)

Duffy’s duff (SeriouslyOMG)

Lindsay and Lily: when drama queens collide! (UKPopSugar)

Duchess of York, Countess of Cavalli (Grazia)

Happy belated birthday, Jensen Ackles (TenGossip)

The Britney Spears circus is a tease (ImNotObsessed)

Like, dating is hard (EvilBeet)

Bruce Springsteen vs the Evil Empire (GabbyBabble)

Snoophammad? (HolyMoly)

The return of the Wino (PopBytes)

First Lady not second best (POTP)

Lindsay Lohan plans ahead (DailyStab)

and it takes a LOT to mortify Kanye (CelebuWreck)

Freebies aren’t good enough for Octomom (CelebritySmack)

Scarjo rocks the purple turban? (AgentBedhead)

Jonas Brothers go topless (Towleroad)

All of us star in the same movie, but only one hasn’t had to deal with relentless media scrutiny of their love life. Can you tell which one, dear readers?

Owen Wilson: the Butterscotch Stallion rides again! (lolebrity)

Couture Catfight: Anna Wintour vs Jenny from the Block (Gawker)

Faster, Britney, Kill, Kill! (AgentBedhead)

Morgan Freeman is back on the market (CeleBitchy)

Cindy Crawford is still flawless, now topless (SeriouslyOMG)

Tori Spelling is a Cher impersonator (IBBB)

Jennifer Aniston’s biological alarm just went off (Websters)

Be all that you can be: a fembot (SuperfantasticPlastic)

Jenna Jameson’s babymaker still works! (CandyKirby)

Keanu Reeves gets to keep a secret from you (JustJared)

Karl Lagerfeld shows off the grandkid (FakeKarl)

Josh Holloway is a Pebbles Flintstone impersonator (SocialiteLife)

Howard Stern drives his sidekick to drink (DailyStab)

Shia’s appendage may be cut (CelebritySmack)

Bus Rage: so much for a perfect record (WOWReport)

Words I never thought I’d type: Paris Hilton for President (Mollygood)

Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro to re-ignite your movie screens (UKPopsugar)

Little Black BCC: Hollywood Madame Follies (Defamer)

Blind-or-maybe-just-nearsighted Item: Jason Lewis’s stinky ex (AgentBedhead)

Christina Ricci cat iz disapprovin (Lolebrity)

George Clooney is a free man! (CelebritySmack)

Woody Harrelson, recreational hunger striker (HolyMoly)

David Banda now officially belongs to Madonna (DListed)

Kim Cattrall is ready for a SATC rematch sequel! (ImNotObsessed)

Bale’s tale of batshiat batsuit costume claustrophobia (DailyStab)

Rachel Ray, terrorist (HollywoodBackwash)

Dad of the Year KFed loses one of the brood at Disneyland (HollyWire)

Mariah Carey pitches…I always thought she was more of a catcher? (CandyKirby)

Gary Dourdan admits guilt (POTP)

Celebrity tattoo horror show (Defamer)

Not just pretzels: President Bush’s history of substance abuse? (Gawker)

Ashlee (Simpson-)Wentz is sperminated (EvilBeet)

Jessica Biel is still prettier than you (Websters)

Amy Winehouse’s babysitter fired for crack, her lyrics being studied at Cambridge. You know. The usual (UKPopSugar)

Is Kate Hudson dating for revenge? (CeleBitchy)

Phoebie Price: Cannesed Chikkin Cutletz (Lolebrity)

Claymates are a different breed (Mollygood)

Nicole Kidman is barefoot and pregnant and nude and on the cover (JustJared)

Martha Stewart’s double entendre (Websters)

Diddy’s duds do a dong good(YBF)

Prop-powered penis protest (HolyMoly)

Lily Allen’s zipper problem (SeriouslyOMG)

The Butterscotch Stallion rides again! (POTP)

Jennifer Aniston, defying all odds, turns into girl you’d take home to mom (ICYDK)

Scientology is a cult, and saying so can get you arrested (AgentBedhead)

Madonna apparently stealing Liza Minnelli’s old clothes (ImNotObsessed)

Top 50 Man Candy! (OK!)

Emos Unite! My Chemical Romance protest! (DailyStab)

The crazy cat lady recommends… (IBBB)

Pete Doherty makes the cover: of Celebrity Drugs and Alcohol Weekly! (CandyKirby)

Founder of NKOTB and Backstreet Boys gets 25 years (GabbyBabble)

Steven Tyler is back in rehab (CelebritySmack)

25 funniest people in the US (EW)

25 least funny people in the US (Defamer)

Jodie Foster opens a new can of…no, I can’t finish that joke. I have STANDARDS! (DListed)

Picasso’s got a lot of dough (Lolebrity)

The problem with Pete Doherty’s crotch (AgentBedhead)

Jennifer Lopez does not care about your dying mom (Gawker)

The Fresh Prince of Calabasas goes back to high school (Defamer)

John McCain’s melanoma (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

The real-life blade runner wins Olympic appeal (Disembedded)

Nikki Cox’s incredible inflating face (Websters)

Gwyneth Paltrow is tall, gorgeous, and leaking (Jezebel)

Full-frontal fellas (DListed)

Party animals Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse party with animals (SeriouslyOMG)

Brangelina’s kids are pregnant! (CandyKirby)

Denzel Washington gets the House of Wax treatment (ImNotObsessed)

Celebrity Dad Faceoff: Viggo vs Denzel (TeenyManolo)

Mischa Barton’s specialty underpants (DailyStab)

The Gary Busey trading card! (GalleryOfTheAbsurd)

Kiefer Sutherland…what was I saying? *swoon* (CityRag)

Paris Hilton in rickrack attack! (CelebritySmack)

NKOTB -> OKOTTV (Mollygood)

raincoaster haz a famus (FamousPeople)

Lance Armstrong picks up Owen Wilson’s sloppy seconds (PerezHilton)

No news today (BBC via BoingBoing)

No real news about Vince Vaughn anyway (DListed)

Top Ten College Commencement Speeches (Gawker)

Jack Black’s Panda Attack! (AgentBedhead)

Shania is single, has no comment (CeleBitchy)

Californians achieve marriage equality (Mollygood)

Britney’s pink wig’s sex tape (Defamer)

Beyonce is Desperate (ImNotObsessed)

Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty close down the Hell Prom (Lolebrity)

Hard celebrity dicks (Gawker)

Ellen ruins Portia’s surprise (TMZ)

Jessica Alba cannot outstare your disapproving aunt Thelma (YouTube)

Renee Zellweger thinks you can be fooled by myriad accessories (ImNotObsessed)

Posh is a jean Djinnii (PopSugar)

Sugar Tits and Sugar Titter en route to South America: this should end well (DailyStab)

OWEN WILSON COMES TO HIS SENSES (CelebritySmack)

Kiefer kandidz (GabbyBabble)

Vince Vaughn will make his own damn threesomes! (CandyKirby)

Iron Femme (Websters)

Jessica Alba is being motherly (IBBB)

Happy Birthday, Cougarman! George Clooney is 47 (ImNotObesessed)

Would you be the filling in an Owen Wilson/Vince Vaughn sandwich? (CelebrityDirt)

Attack of the Slash! (TheRadReport)

Dustin Hoffman farts in Tom Cruise’s general direction (HolyMoly)

Karl Lagerfeld and Anna Wintour’s dream date (CandyKirby)

Ashley Olsen is no Elizabeth Hurley; Mary-Kate is no Joey Heatherton (Websters)

Uma Thurman’s stalker is a man of convictions. Felony convictions (GabbyBabble)

Pete Doherty on the loose! Lock up your crack! (SeriouslyOMG)

Mister Amy Winehouse may not be entirely respectable (TheSun)

Kate Moss in bondage, lingerie, matrimony, and gainful employment (AgentBedhead)

La Lohan is light-fingered (TheBlemish)

Ant-Man rides the Iron Man’s shiny coattails to new movie deal (Defamer)

Heath Ledger dolls selling like mad (Gawker)

Mariah Carey may have a brain under that weave: she got a prenup (CeleBitchy)

It’s SIR Kylie now! (UKPopSugar)

Beck is back, bitches! (PerezHilton)

Amy Winehouse’s brain makes a break for it, digging escape hatch now (CelebritySmack)

The Chronicles of Narnia, live at Barnes & Noble (JustJared)

Oprah’s critics pick wrong target (Bossip)