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I see Paris, I see France, what the HELL?

Paris Hilton likes to feel a breeze everywhere

Paris Hilton likes to feel a breeze everywhere, by which I don’t mean Hawaii, Cannes, etc

I almost lost a bet when pictures of Paris Hilton flashing her underwear surfaced. Drunken Stepfather didn’t lose a bet, but he DID lose his grip when he saw the unmistakable upskirt shot, seemingly proving that the former amateur porn star has changed her ways, no longer the commando cutie, source of countless barstool snail trails.

As with everything Paris Hilton, however, all is not how it first appears. The Daily Mail inadvertently revealed that the “dress” was just a cover-up, and that the “actual underpants that Paris Hilton wears now” were really just a bikini from another part of the photoshoot. They returned immediately to their normal reliable reporting, however, by calling this two-tone bikini “monochrome.”

Taxes, Death, and Paris Hilton, ladies and gentlemen.

All in the Family

Wonk Eye is all in the family

Wonk Eye is all in the family

No, it’s not a cougar/cub prowling pack trying to make winky eye contact: it’s genetics, and proof, as if more proof were needed, that there are some things that cannot be corrected by surgical intervention. Something to think about before making the choice to reproduce, eh Paris?

Hump Day Hunk: Adrien Brody

Adrien Brody's prayers were answered when he made Hump Day Hunk

Adrien Brody's prayers were answered when he made Hump Day Hunk

There’s just something about this skeevy bastard that I like. Maybe it’s that he’s a winning rally driver. Maybe it’s that he looks so intellectual, and dresses so Pool Shark. Maybe it’s that hell, it’s been a long time and … but there, I’ve said too much. And besides, I can’t run Prince Harry every week, can I?

Let’s toast to Adrien’s dream come true with a spirited round of Pool Shark, the Drinking Game and some gossip links.

Wine A-Z; the ultimate Go Cup! A jogging bra/wine skin combo? Why the hell not, my camelbak imbues my Sauv Blanc with aromas of Gatorade as it is. (Manolofood)

Van Gogh and Orcas Unicorn Chaser. Make your hump day a little smoother with soothing pictures of swirling stars and wild whales in Downtown Vangroover. Yes, orcas belong in a gossip roundup. I’m Canadian, dammit.  (raincoaster)

Top That! Princess Beatrice’s amazing Hat of Hideousness (+10) is for sale on eBay to benefit children, if not onlookers (Ayyyy)

George Clooney chickens out. The television remake of Men Who Stare At Goats was disappointingly downscaled. (Lolebrity)

Life, Death, Violence, Barbie, and extremely mixed messages. I’m not exactly sure where the war crimes tribunal comes into it, but apparently it does, somewhere. Also: Ken is a draft dodger? (Crasstalk)

Dear God, Johnny Depp is a kinky beast. Taking a page from Chuck Berry, he made Penelope Cruz dress up as a … no, I can’t even say it. Seriously, nobody would put Salma Hayek through that. (AgentBedhead)

Is House getting evicted? Hugh Laurie has a great big, leaky mouth. There, take THAT image into your Bertie/Jeeves slash-thinking mind. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Yet another Jagger kid poses nekkid. Surely I thought we’d run out of these potato-faced wonders by now, but apparently not. Is “Club Kid” really a career choice? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

This is perhaps the most terrifying headline of all time, until you smack yourself in the head and say “IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU PERVERT” and move on. But still. (CelebritySmack)

Oh, Will Smith. It’s not the size: it’s how you use it! And using it to annoy an entire neighborhood is just Letting the Thetans Win. (CelebVIPLounge)

Bristol Palin, now surgically enhanced! But not improved: it wasn’t brain surgery, after all. (DailyStab)

Taylor Swift will out a bitch! This girl doesn’t exist off the record, and if you’re dating her, neither do you (EarSucker)

Lady Gaga is Asian? Golly, she MUST have had some serious work done; she doesn’t look it. (FitFabCeleb)

Owen Freaking Wilson and yeah, like, a bunch of other celebs in Cannes, but who gives a rat’s ass about them? Eh? OWEN WILSON! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Jennifer Aniston’s steamy banana handling. Look ma, no hands! No desperation, either…that is so NOT the sound of faint weeping I hear. Nosiree Bob. (HaveUHeard)

L’innocent sentenced to live in mansion next door to coke connection. Poor thing. That’ll teach HER! (HollywoodHiccups)

Who’s the $100 million man? The one going around spreading herpes? Yeah, “That one who dated Paris Hilton” doesn’t really narrow it down any. (INeedMyFix)

Joan Rivers better watch her back: Kermit the Frog is after her job. The Red Carpet just got a little greener and a LOT cuter (PopBytes)

Adorable Prince Harry and adorable puppy being adorable. Adorbz! What are you still doing here? CLICKY CLICK CLICK! (Swoonworthy)

Caption the Gouvernator and his ex. I’m thinking something Harry Potter related. She reminds me of Emma Thompson’s character, the Divinology professor. (RightCelebrity)

 

Sexy Sexy Links!

I’m sorry, people, do we really have to go over this after all this time?

Charo cannot be upstaged. It cannot be done. Stop trying.

And now, it’s time for our Sexy Links. Enjoy them with a sexy cocktail like the Big Blue Sexy:

Sextradited! Julian Assange is going to Sweden! (raincoaster)

and how much do they make busking in that lobby anyway? (Ayyyy)

Dinner with Julian could get sexy! (Manolofood)

Steve Martin is a spammer! (raincoastermedia)

Marlon Brando is rollin’ dirty! (Lolebrity)

The King must be hard up (AgentBedhead)

Lindsay Lohan can afford a car? (BusyBeeBlogger)

How to Kreate a Kardashian (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Let them eat Paris Hilton’s birthday cake! (CelebritySmack)

Champagne wishes and caviar … nails? (CelebVIPLounge)

Making money this way is still more respectable than doing Glitter (CeleBitchy)

EVERYBODY’s a Material Girl (DailyStab)

Buy some Bieber! (Earsucker)

It’s a living, eh Natalie? (FitFabCeleb)

Kiki Drunkst spent her allowance on eyeliner (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Rosie O’Donnell is gonna have to get a job now! (HaveUHeard)

Also, she was trying to auction off her Plus One (INeedMyFix)

Is there MONEY in being an internet troll? (PoorBritney)

The Donald is just pissed Rihanna is richer than him (PopBytes)

and for this she gets $5million a picture (SeriouslyOMG)

I’d pay good money to have seen this live (TheSkinny)

Do You Hear What I Hear?

That rumbling sound in the distance?

Kim Kardashian Kardigan

Kim Kardashian Kardigan

Relax: it’s not an earthquake. It’s just the Earl of Cardigan rolling over in his grave.

Dear Santa, is it SO much to ask… (raincoaster)

Santa Andy has to put up with some mean drunks on Christmas (Ayyyy)

Julia Child, acolyte of Cthulhu??? (ManoloFood)

Ryan Gosling is into light bondage (Lolebrity)

The War on Christmas tweets (AgentBedhead)

Jennifer Aniston has the scent of desperation (AmyGrindhouse)

Hugh Jackman has cricket balls (BusyBeeBlogger)

Alanis Morissette for Ever (CeleBitchy)

Natalie Portman is packing babeh, off the market (CelebritySmack)

Is EVERYONE pregnant? Please stop her before she breeds (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Hottest accessory of 2010: Klingonhead (CityRag)

But would Lady Gaga have broken up the Beatles? (EvilBeet)

KK hits rock bottom and starts digging (FitFabCeleb)

World’s most hated couple makes honest homewreckers of one another (GabbyBabble)

Best Busts of 2010 (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Kelly Osbourne goes Full Flamewar (HaveUHeard)

Justin Bieber’s impurity ring (INeedMyFix)

To get your little gold man, get a little man of your own (Movieline)

Richard Chamberlain comes out, Perez whacks him (PerezHilton)

and all I got were slipper socks. AGAIN (PopBytes)

Lily Allen is engaged (PopSugar)

Santa brought the world some JLoHew/AlyMil action (SeriouslyOMG)

Charlie Sheen not dead (WeNewsIt)

Pee Wee’s Big Christmas Gossip Link Roundup

With Charo! NOTHING says “Christmas” like a blindfold, a Glen plaid suited children’s entertainer, and a song from Charo!

Jesus has two Daddies! (Warning: extreme cuteness)(raincoaster)

John Cusack then whispered it to attack Piven’s hairpiece (Lolebrity)

Ho, ho, ho! It’s a very 70’s Christmas (Ayyyy)

The secret Santa/Ninja connection (ManoloFood)

Elf you! South Park style cards (AgentBedhead)

RyRey gets ready for me (BusyBeeBlogger)

Keira Knightly gives the men of the world the greatest Christmas present ever (CeleBitchy)

Least Likely Headline Ever: There’s No Paris Hilton Sex Tape (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Yes, the Brittany Murphy story is getting even creepier (EarSucker)

Vanessa Hudgens, Michael Jackson impersonator (FitFabCeleb)

Tiny Goth gnome hides under mushroom (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Zac Efron eats street meat (HaveUHeard)

Pauly D has World’s Worst Hair and His Own TV Show (INeedMyFix)

The 12 films of Christmas (Movieline)

And let’s close with a visit from Grace Jones!

Whiskey Wednesday Humpday Links

Paul Newman, the only man who could get away with that hat

Well, I’ve pulled my second all-nighter in a week and it’s only Wednesday. Not only is it Wednesday, but a little bird called Twitter told me it’s #WhiskeyWednesday and the new Harry Potter movie is out, and that means that as soon as this all-night diner can rustle me up something warming I’m having a coffee with a double Fireball and then conking out while the rest of you are all working. Salut! Happy hump day! Here is a picture of Paul Newman in a floppy hat, demonstrating once again that the beautiful can get away with things mere mortals cannot.

John Galliano’s unholy ambition (Ayyyy)
Harold, Kumar, Team America World Police, and your daily civics lesson (raincoaster)
2 girls, 1 cup, 1 Chaplin (Lolebrity)
Unspeakable horror aboard a shipwreck! (ManoloFood)
Baby put in corner, survives to triumph (AgentBedhead)
Clive Owen, looking pretty (BusyBeeBlogger)
and you, madam, are NO David Bowie (CeleBitchy)
Justin Bieber in Playboy? (CelebDirtyLaundry)
I think this is a steampunk jeweled zombie dress? (CelebritySmack)
Don’t Tattoo the Hoff! (CityRag)
But HOW do you love a man in a wetsuit? (CojoStyle)
They’ve always seemed Sketchy to me (DailyStab)
Yes, we have socialized B-lister protection (DListed)
Charlie Sheen also reads Playboy for the articles (Earsucker)
Give that monster a cookie! And a job! (EvilBeet)
My invitation must be lost in the mail (GabbyBabble)
Hopefully this means she’ll be “acting” less (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Daniel Radcliffe actually IS Harry Potter (HaveUHeard)
Versace de-sexifies, rolls over in grave (INeedMyFix)
But seriously, how do you parody Nicki Minaj? (PerezHilton)
and Paris Hilton carries her Thanksgiving entree to the pantry (PopBytes)
Brendan Fraser in “Homeless or Hipster?” (SeriouslyOMG)

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Shirley, you jest

LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 26: Dame Shirley Bassey DBE arrives at the Fashion for the Brave event at the Dorchester on October 26, 2010 in London, England. (Photo by Chris Jackson/Getty Images)

“Basher” Bassey demonstrates how a real Dame handles uppity paparazzi. Perhaps she’d had a few Street Fighter Cocktails beforehand.

MJ fans stopped, got enough (raincoaster)
Saturday Caption Contest: Johnny Depp 2.0 (Ayyyy)
Under New Management (ManoloFood)
The latest OH GOD IT CAN’T BE TRUE couple (CelebrityBeehive)
Walken in a winter wonderland (Lolebrity)
Bill and Ted’s not so excellent time machine (AgentBedhead)
Kathy Griffin has hit rock bottom (BusyBeeBlogger)
NOBODY messes with Joan Freaking Collins (CeleBitchy)
World’s worst couple back together (CelebDirtyLaundry)
When your star has faded, isn’t it “Cold boxing?” (CityRag)
Carousel of Couture (CojoStyle)
World welcomes two new Canadians (DailyStab)
Bert comes out (EvilBeet)
Celebrities bare their fangs (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Lady Gaga is a billionaire (HaveUHeard)
That’s 100,000 loonies, bitches! (INeedMyFix)
Mariah and mom come (JustJared)
Lock up your babehs! Madge is on the loose! (PerezHilton)
Britwick -> Lawyer’s office??? (PoorBritney)
Marky Mark vs Bieber Fever (SeriouslyOMG)

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