Ayyyy!

Well that’s a pretty loose and comfy pantsuit you’ve got going there Penelope – pity your feet won’t be able to share in all that fun.

Annoyingly wholesome, I know, but I’m supposed to be on a liquid fast in solidarity with the homeless no lie so I’m trying to make this as painless as possible. I’m allowed all the blended-beyond-solidity smoothies I can suck down before the homeless have houses or I pass out or my bowels explode, whichever comes first. Whenever it gets too painful, I console myself with the realization that Redbreast is a liquid too!

Viva la Diva! (HolyMoly)

Pete in Paree (LondonBlog)

Christian Bale, Dancing Queen (raincoaster)

Penny vs Woody (AgentBedhead)

Blond on Blonde? (Websters)

Suri: “Srsly?“ (SeriouslyOMG)

Ink not mink (CelebritySmack)

Duff guff (CeleBitchy)

Miley face (CandyKirby)

Meerkat Messiah (GOTA)

Jailbird Joe (CelebWarship)

Lady of Leisure (IBBB)

RyRey Rejected! (Defamer)

Silly Lily (UKPopSugar)

Prince Harry duz Colonialism rong (Lolebrity)

Paging the Claymates! Clay Aiken singing angel music box (GalleryOfTheAbsurd)

Diddy wins the Gold! In Overshares! (POTP)

Flasher or Flash In The Pan? (Celebuwreck)

Paris Hilton, superhero? (ItsCandyTV)

Welcome to Dumpsville, Jennifer; population: you (CelebrityDirt)

Just let your damn keyboard get dirty for God’s sake! (IBBB)

Win a threesome with Scarlett Johannson (AgentBedhead)

Celebrity Deathmatch: Suri vs Shiloh (CelebritySmack)

Amy Winehouse: the stuff of nightmares (HolyMoly)

Ali Lohan, living la vida silicone (CeleBitchy)

Brad Pitt, typical suburban dad (PopSugar)

Madonna will depopulate Malawi if it’s the last thing she does (CelebrityBabyScoop)

Everybody Batusi! (DListed)

Tyra steals from children (CandyKirby)

Ashlee Simpson is a role model for Canadian youth (CrazyDaysAndNights)

Penelope Cruz isn’t pretty enough to date herself (DailyStab)

Someone tell Brooke Hogan blogging is a privilege, not a right (Websters)

Remaid in Manhattan (SeriouslyOMG)

Britney represents for Team Cheeto! (Defamer)

WaPo vs JonasFanz, yo (Gawker)

Madamism? Madonnaism? (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

Bar raised (Defamer)

Hammer dropped (AgentBedhead)

Lohan smashed (CrazyDaysAndNights)

Rick, rolled (Guardian)

Rowling potty? (Celebitchy)

Hunky Jesus (Mike Responts)

Presley poisoned! (GabbyBabble)

Hunk drunk (ASocialitesLife)

Carey doubt? (Bossip)

Amy Outhouse (Yeeeeah)

Nice…Spaniards (ImNotObsessed)

Manilow? NO! (SeriouslyOMGWTF)

Owen’s pickup (Popsugar)

Malthusian Catastrophe (Websters)

Mutual bonding (IDLYITW)

Alba time (DailyStab)

Go-Go’s gone (CelebritySmack)

Cognitive dissonance (CircusHour)

Infomercials: WTF? (LiquidGeneration)

Patrick Swayze’s dismal diagnosis (Defamer)

The 5 best faces of Patrick Swayze in Ghost (BWE)

50 gayest songs of all time (SameSame)

Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz are dancing, but who’s the fool? (AgentBedhead)

Salma Hayek prefers boys. Sorry Penny! (Dlisted)

Catherine Zeta Jones has some body image issues (GabbyBabble)

Demi Moore allegedly does not? There’s no justice! (CelebritySmack)

Conflicted Matthew McConaughey designs the very t-shirts he spurns (E!)

The Amy Winehouse soap opera continues apace (Yeeeeah)

Mary-Kate Olsen better keep her monkey paws off mah mayun! (Star)

Daniel Radcliffe faces serious death threats, gets SAS guards (Celebitchy)

Shar Jackson sticks up for FedEx (Bossip)

The Anna Nicole Smith movie: words fail (JustJared)

Julia Roberts and Ozzy Osbourne? (Cityrag)

Smells like…Daddy’s concert! (CelebNewsWire)

Best comedy of the last 30 years is…a joke! (HolyMoly)

Lily Allen is hospitalized for depression (EvilBeet)

Ben Stiller is pumped, Robert Downey Jr is black. Huh? (DailyStab)

Rolling Stone drives stake into Britney Spears with unholy hackiography (Defamer)

Britney’s only Goth from the waist down (DailyStab)

Pete Doherty seeks new life as Smackbob Nopants (Gawker)

or maybe the Easter Bunny? (AgentBedhead)

Top 10 reasons to miss Anna Nicole Smith (Jezebel)

Lindsay Lohan goes dark (CelebritySmack)

Amy Winehouse will bring the funk, may bring the crack to the Grammies (TMZ)

We traded the UK Snoop Dogg for Amy (HolyMoly)

Eva Mendez more Disco than Goth, in rehab for coke (LARagMag)

Scott Weiland, Velvet Revolver front man, back in treatment (GenosWorld)

ScarJo and PeCru go pansexual for ex-sexagenarian Woody Allen (Gabsmash)

Goths Celebs of the Day: Demi and Ashton wear all-black to his 30th birthday party (HolyCandy)

Kill me now: Cher and Tom Cruise were lovers? (Dlisted)

Top 5 celebrity Goth chicks (Hi-5)

The Last Supper of Trent Reznor (LolNIN)

Another reason to drink as if you need one (WorkoutMommy)

Mystery man in black (ImNotObsessed)

Brittany Snow joins the Trenchcoat Mafia (DerekHail)

Lost Boy still lost, still blood-sucking (PerezHilton)

Dita von Teese as the Girl Next Door (SkunksBlog)

Kat von D will never tattoo another agent as long as she lives! (Mollygood)

Kirsten “Vampire Chronicles” Dunst vanishes (Celebitchy)

Madonna is immortal. Because plastic can’t die (TheMeatScale)

Sorry, no Angelina Jolie or Avril Lavigne stories today. Haven’t you heard? They’re not Goth.

On its own, this snippet of information doesn’t offer much gossip fodder:

WOODY ALLEN gifted Spanish star PENELOPE CRUZ with a pair of his own spectacles after wrapping their new film VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA. Cruz confessed she liked the look of the movie director’s classic glasses while they were shooting.

But put it in context with Penelope’s choice of facial accessories in her recent lesbian makeout session (use family wherever possible – it’s a great way to keep costs down!), and we suddenly understand the motivation behind Woody’s generosity (sourcing free props also saves on expenses!).  Nothing relieves a desirous old man of his visual aid faster than telling him you’d like to have a threeway with his glasses and your lookalike sister. 

Jenny from the cell block (GoFugYourself)

The five unsexiest women alive (Maxim)

Kate Moss as the Debbie Harry Zombie (AgentBedhead)

Backstreet’s back! (DailyStab)

Michelle Rodriguez is lost for 180 days (TMZ)

Paris Hilton to annoy Kiefer Sutherland in jail (CelebritySmack)

Britney stands up kids, judge. Again. (I’mNotObsessed)

Penelope Cruz is dating down (HolyCandy)

Angelina Jolie, Jon Voight continue to avoid one another (USWeekly)

Amy Winehouse seeks freedom, fries (GlossLip)

Sarah Jessica Parker covets the scent of superior styling (GalleryOfTheAbsurd)

American Idol’s Corey Clark could be touring the slammer soon (WizbangPop)

Reese Witherspoon works the red carpet without Jake (EvilBeetGossip)

Victoria Beckham’s forehead of pebbly doom (Mollygood)

Famous Hookups: just what it says (FamousHookups)

Ricky Martin rocks the sysadmin look (TheMeatScale)